Doing a Sarah’s law on my child’s dad he doesn’t know

[FirstTimeMum0]

hi after being a single mother for 6 months out of the blue my child’s farther messages me. He has since barely messaged me after meeting his child a few times. However his sister has offered to have my child overnight. I never have any help no close family near me so it’s very rare I get a brake. Do I tell her I’ve done a Sarah’s law on her brother? I don’t even know if to let any of his family see my child. Obviously I won’t be able to share what I find out from it on here or with anyone. It’s just a lot to take on

even if the dad is completely fine on paper, on what planet is it OK to give your defenceless baby to a stranger? tbh I wouldn't reccommend for anyone other than close family you completely trust (such as grandparents/aunts) or an accredited professional to care for a child. and for a 6 month old - overnight stays in a house where you won't be, I wouldn't reccommend that.

if you don't have anyone else around, get a babysitter for a few hours or even for a day and have a break. I understand it might be difficult but you could literally be leaving your child open to harm including serious sexual abuse.

I understand how hard it is and it can be tempting to grab any offer of help but on this occasion, I'm sorry no.
Has something come from the search and you're worried the sister doesn't know? Meaning she'd likely allow contact with her brother?
Or is it that you don't know her well enough? If that's the case, thank her for the offer and build up to overnights gradually. Have her visit different times to see babies routine, go on walks etc together, have the baby an hour alone at home and build on this. If she's a decent person she'll understand, if she makes a fuss, write her off as an option.
It does get easier, it's a long road ahead but it will get easier. Try to branch out with friendships and you may find there's others you can swap child minding favours.

This!

My mum didn’t just pop over to Tesco and hand me to the first woman she saw when she wanted a break!! Parenting is shit and breaks don’t happen for a lot of people. We don’t just hand children over to total strangers

You're talking about information you have about the father, possibly being a risk

But you spectacularly leave out the fact that you dont know if the sister is a risk and she is the one that you seem to be implying you might leave your child with, for a break

Please dont do this, you have no idea of her safety or history, you have no idea of how or if she would supervise your child and ultimately your poor child has no relationship with her, how woudl your child feel spending the night there?

Absaloutly no way! You don't even know the woman. I know being a single parent is tough, I was one with my first born with no support.

However it is not essential that you have a night off. It is essential that you do everything you can keep your baby safe.

What? No! Bloody hell. How old are you?

You don't give your child to someone you don't know because you fancy a break!

You might as well pass them to someone sitting in Costa and bugger off for a few hours 🙄

You’ve been a mother for 6 months, it DOES get easier

if your little one is in a routine it helps. So focus on that, have bedtime routines and it’ll get easier

but no, you absolutely can’t just had your baby to just any random to get a break.

do you attend any baby sessions? Making friends will help you.

And I was a single parent for first few months then when together with my ex he was worse than a non existent parent as he terrorised me to make sure he wasn’t involved or inconvenienced in any way shape or form.

if I can do this, you can do this @FirstTimeMum0 you really can.

Do not let a stranger look after your baby!

I get it. I am a lone parent too, my DC's dad is not involved and I had no help. But your child's safety is not worth getting a break. Unfortunately this is life as a lone parent.

Yes, is it definitely his sister and not a new relationship or friend? Did you meet her when you were together for example? Sorry if I’ve skimmed a detail here.

I am also far away from family so never get a break. If I catch up with a friend, my baby is with us. I sleep when they sleep. I am nervous about my child going to nursery with experienced professionals eventually. So leaving a child with a stranger, especially one with a relationship with someone requiring a Sarah’s Law search, is an absolute NO. With safeguarding, the first rule is: it could happen here. Also your still quite young baby will be quite upset to suddenly have a night away or even a few hours in the day away from her mother, the only caregiver she has ever known by what you say. Especially if the new carer is a stranger. She’s at that age when they cry when their mum leaves the room.

This reason is obviously not at the top of the list, but if you are worried about things like access from your ex or even custody battles with your ex one day, it won’t go down favourably for you that your daughter does night stays with his sister who is a total stranger to her.

Better safe than sorry is my opinion. Single mums do get targeted. The effects of abuse sadly are lifelong. I remember those days as a single mum, desperate to go out occasionally but keeping the kids safe always came first.

It doesn't ring true for me at all that you would consider it.

I have never spent a night apart from kids. It's not a necessity. And they're not vulnerable babies.

Jesus Christ. Wft is wrong with you! You simply do not hand your baby (or any child really) over to a complete stranger. If you need a break, pop her into a registered, professional nursery for a few days. I don't care if technically she is the aunty - she's a stranger. You may as well hand your baby over to the the next taxi driver who passes and say help yourself. Can't stress this enough. The chances your baby will be seriously sexually abused are looking pretty high right now.

Speaking as the mum of two, an 11 yr old and a 10 yr old who has had the grand total of two evenings off since they were born and one overnight break. One. You're six months in. Buckle up.

Protect your baby at all costs.

I can’t grasp why you on one hand would do a Claire’s law on this man and on the other let your own child stay overnight where the father will clearly also visit/be.

Totally agree about a routine! Me having some down time to relax in front of the TV before bed and getting a good night’s sleep is now only possible because I have a routine. I stick to it every single day, even if it means saying no to things during my baby’s nap times and getting ready for bed routine.

And baby groups incorporated into the routine help tire babies out so they definitely nap when they are meant to.

So he’s dangerous and you don’t know these people…

Why would you send your baby there?!

You don’t need to tell anyone that you’ve done the check, no. There’s no reason to and it would only cause upset.

I understand why you’re so tired, it must be exhausting on your own. It does get better, hang on in there. x

I don’t know if it helps but I heard the phrase ‘it’s just a season’ and it made it easier for me to handle the grind, putting into perspective that it does pass.

OP.
Seriously.
If you need help contact local charities or see if there's home start volunteers near you.
If this is even true (I'm going to report to admin to check!) then you should seriously consider a social services referral to help with parental rights etc (is ex on birth certificate? Does he pay child maintenance?) As for the sister, she can just bloody wait!
All this is totally crazy.

The child has the right to a relationship with their family - both sides of it.

So yes it's premature for overnight stays, but having a relationship is the baby's right and you may as well start it now.

But, if disclosures via a Sarah's Law application mean the father is unsafe for unsupervised contact then of course that can all get very complex. When do you expect a response to your application?

Did the Sarah's law come up with anything? If so let him go to court to see the baby. If n9t let him come e around to see the baby at your house and build it up slowly to letting him take her out for a few hours slowly. The sister can visit. Don't hand over your baby to her. Did you know her before?

She’s done a Sarah’s Law check which relates to child abuse, whereas Claire’s is of course about domestic abuse. But I totally agree with you.

Agree.

Your child needs to build a relationship first with this person. How do you know your ex won't be there if you don't want your child to come in to contact with him?

My husband had a suspicion about his ex wife’s new partner based on some of the things the children were reporting (about shouting, dog kicking and wall punching.) He applied for a Clare’s Law check and nobody knew.

If the check HAD uncovered something, only my husband and his ex wife would have been notified. And she would not be told where the application came from.

As it happens, although the check came back clear, the man strangled the poor woman the following summer. She survived but she’s shaken up and the children witnessed it. SS had to be involved and it became a very drawn out process for her with numerous social work plans, Freedom Programme attendance etc. The bloke basically just walked away and started over with just a caution.

Trust your gut and for goodness sake don’t send your kid to a stranger overnight.

I’m sure it would be tempting to have a break from your child. It’s really hard doing it on your own. But no, you cannot leave your baby with a total stranger….

Do you have any friends with children or even other friends that could take your baby for the afternoon just to give you a bit of a break?