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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doing a Sarah’s law on my child’s dad he doesn’t know

195 replies

FirstTimeMum0 · 13/11/2023 23:45

hi after being a single mother for 6 months out of the blue my child’s farther messages me. He has since barely messaged me after meeting his child a few times. However his sister has offered to have my child overnight. I never have any help no close family near me so it’s very rare I get a brake. Do I tell her I’ve done a Sarah’s law on her brother? I don’t even know if to let any of his family see my child. Obviously I won’t be able to share what I find out from it on here or with anyone. It’s just a lot to take on

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 14/11/2023 09:03

The op hasn’t said that her and her child don’t know the aunty. No one’s stupid enough to hand their child over to someone they don’t know for the night

ttcat37 · 14/11/2023 09:04

For the people asking for information as to what was disclosed, know that if OP was given information about her baby’s father she would have had to sign a document to say she would not disclose it to anybody else. It will be a criminal offence to disclose what she was told. So this is why is is rightly refusing to say what she was told.

OP, with Sarah’s Law relating to child sexual offences, I presume that it has been disclosed to you that he has previous convictions for offences of that nature.
All you really need to remember is that when your baby is in the care of that man’s sister, he can turn up at any point there. You need to ask yourself if you are prepared to take that risk. I would hope that the answer is no and you would not want to risk your baby being anywhere near him.
Consider that the sister has absolutely no loyalty or bond to the baby and is doing this purely to help out her brother so he can see baby. If he does indeed have previous for child sexual offences then he probably has conditions not to be around children which would explain why a) he disappeared and b) he’s getting his sister to do this for him.

welcometothnuthouse · 14/11/2023 09:09

Are you sure it's his dsis though? I thought that in the opening post this might be a gf.
Another saying don't leave your child with the 'dsis' or anyone else you aren't 120% confident with.
There are probably millions of images / videos etc doing the rounds of children /young children and babies, they are someone's dc many parents/carers who are unaware such media exists.
Protect your dc at all costs.

WowOK · 14/11/2023 09:09

You need to start slowly. Let her come over and spend an hour with you and your baby. Then build up the time with you supervising. This will let you build trust with her. Eventually, if you trust her you could let her take the baby to the park for an hour unsupervised. I wouldn't let an unknown person have my baby overnight. Its not in the best interests of the baby.

welcometothnuthouse · 14/11/2023 09:12

If no one has previously shown interest why would you want to even start it?

passiveaggressivenonsense · 14/11/2023 09:13

His sister could just be covering for him so that in fact it's him having your baby for the night.
Your baby is very young, don't give them to a stranger for overnight even if that stranger is perfectly kind and trustable. Take time for you and your baby to build a relationship with them first.

RunningFromInsanity · 14/11/2023 09:13

If something comes up on the Sarah’s law check then no

If not, then start with some accompanied visits, days out etc. Build up the relationship and trust. Then, if and when you feel ready, you can ask her to do some babysitting.

jannier · 14/11/2023 09:14

Something made you do the check the man grew up with his sister exposed to the same things and probably able to coerce her if she's not also warped why would you even consider it

MrsMiddleMother · 14/11/2023 09:17

As others have said, you do not give your baby to strangers because you 'need a break', especially if you have suspicions. Always always trust your gut. And honestly most mothers dont get a break when their baby is only 6 months old. You'll be fine and if not look for a certified babysitter.

VickyEadieofThigh · 14/11/2023 09:19

You owe this woman - even if she IS your baby's aunt - absolutely nothing. She has no rights to see your child and I'm not even listening to people saying the child 'has a right to know their family' - not if there's child abuse!

Your temptation to have a night without your baby doesn't override your absolute DUTY to safeguard your precious child.

Wintersgirl · 14/11/2023 09:20

No!, Why on earth would you do that? I get you need a break but come on. handing over your baby to a stranger?

Couldyounot · 14/11/2023 09:20

Like everyone else has said, if you have concerns about this man that are enough for you to do a Sarah's Law check, you don't want any of his family anywhere near your child. This must be incredibly tough for you and I'm sorry for you

laveritable · 14/11/2023 09:25

Why didn't you check on him before having a baby together?

Rosequartz7 · 14/11/2023 09:36

Absolutely not, don't let any of them see your baby, let alone have the baby alone- what are you thinking?!
I know its hard not having a break (been there, single mum with no help for 9 years) but this is an absolutely terrible idea. Please don't do it, for your baby's sake. You'll have no control whatsoever over what she'll do with your baby while you're not there. Can you get support from home start or something similar if you're finding it hard?
www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with

Sallyh87 · 14/11/2023 09:42

No I wouldn’t do this. Let her visit you and play with the baby, that will give you a bit of a break. You can work up to her taking her out for a few hours etc.

Hotchocolatemousse · 14/11/2023 09:42

If I knew you in real life, I would report you to social services because you're unable to keep your child safe. You're considering handing over your baby to people who could potentially abuse her.

This is so you can have a break, what happens if she's harmed while you're having a break? Or they don't return her to back to you? If he wants to see her, then supervised visits only for an hour or so in a neutral space.

It's tough being a parent but you are one now & the responsibility to keep your child safe falls on you. You didn't choose the father of your child wisely but you have a choice now to keep her safe.

HarrietStyles · 14/11/2023 09:42

It’s really not clear from your original post if you know his sister, have met her before you broke up with your ex? And do you have the results on the Sarah’s law check on your ex? Is there anything of concern about him?
I would wait for the results of the check on your ex…… if there isn’t anything of concern then there is no reason why the baby’s Aunt can’t have a relationship with your baby if you are comfortable with that. BUT build it up slowly and get to know her really well - arrange to meet her for a coffee with the baby, or at the park, and take things very very slowly. Don’t let her look after your child without you until you have known her a long time and are certain that you trust her. It would be nice if it turns out she has the best intentions, wants to help support you and have a relationship with her niece/nephew……… but take time to make sure that is the case.

PrinnyPree · 14/11/2023 09:47

Don't risk putting your baby in the arms of an abuser for a break.

I know it's so hard being a single Mum OP, but your baby may be seriously harmed, protect your baby at all costs this person is a stranger and is loyal to her brother, not you or your little baby.

Take care OP you sound very vulnerable, but even though you are vulnerable you have to be a protector at all cost. Xx

Rainbowsandbutterflies1990 · 14/11/2023 09:51

If u have tried to find out things, u obviously had suspicions, how would you know his sister wouldn't take ur baby around to her brothers especially if they don't know u have looked into him. Its not worth the risk. Having a baby is hard. Especially as a single parent I could imagine. Don't jeopardise ur child's safety for anything. And also don't just give ur baby to strangers overnight. I felt that's a bit of an obvious one but maybe not.

Ihatethenewlook · 14/11/2023 09:57

Is he on the birth cert op? If he has parental rights then you’ll have a hell of a break if his sister hands the baby over to him and he refuses to give it back. I believe child arrangement orders are taking 6-12 months nowadays, possibly longer.

Dweetfidilove · 14/11/2023 09:59

I couldn’t care less what you found - the answer is no.

Single parenting is difficult, but having a child who has been harmed by a ‘whatever’ will be miles harder.

And why would you sense there is a risk, confirm it, then send your child regardless? Please don’t.

Sending you some virtual strength 💐

Ramalangadingdong · 14/11/2023 10:10

tescocreditcard · 14/11/2023 07:59

How? You're anonymous. I'm guessing he's a bad un then. As others have said, no.

Show quote history

Yes, all op has to say is that she found something out. She doesn’t have to say what. Then we can properly advise her on how to move forward. Otherwise, I don’t see the pint in posting.

silverbubbles · 14/11/2023 10:11

You sound like a real danger to your child. You cannot seriously be thinking about leaving your baby with a stranger that you have concerns about?

Change2banon · 14/11/2023 10:19

This has to be a wind up surely? Why would anyone contemplate handing their baby to a complete stranger overnight?! OP you’re either very young and naive, completely stupid, or a wind up! If this is genuine, PLEASE do not hand over the most precious thing in your world to a stranger … especially one who is linked to what you believe is a dangerous man! Father or not!

ClawedButler · 14/11/2023 10:20

OP, I can very much understand how tempting this offer would be when you're physically and emotionally exhausted. Newborns are no picnic, even when there's two parents at home, so I do get why you entertained the idea, even if it was just for 5 minutes.

However, you just don't know or trust these people enough to risk leaving your very vulnerable child with them without your being present.

As PPs have said, supervised contact in small doses might be a way forward, but I think you need to get some proper advice as to how that is managed.