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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made dessert but not invited....

188 replies

Happbee · 13/11/2023 21:39

Hi

I just wanted to find out some other opinions. The short story is my MIL had a dinner party. She asked me (via my husband at first) if I could make dessert for it. So I made the dessert and my husband took it round. However, I didnt receive an invite to come. I wouldnt have gone anyway as I have kids and it would be past their bedtime (on a school night). But AIBU to think its rude to ask someone to make a dessert but not invite them to come? My husband doesnt see the problem so wanted to know if anyone else sees my POV.

OP posts:
Nolongerlight · 15/11/2023 08:22

I would have assumed that being asked to make a desert WAS the invite.

Are you absolutely sure you were excluded from the invite.

Tonight1 · 15/11/2023 08:26

I'd feel a little hurt as she should have made it clear it was as a favour as she was overwhelmed/you're very good at desserts/whatever.

You know what to say next time though: NO. Especially as she's not been particularly friendly towards you.

HalebiHabibti · 15/11/2023 08:31

I can see the awkwardness here OP, and realistically you'd have been lambasted as the rude one if you'd declined. In future I think I'd establish the date/time and then ask up front "Am I invited please? Only I was thinking about last time and it seemed a little strange to be preparing a dish for an event I wasn't invited to." Then see what they say. They can't really say it isn't odd, because it is odd!

Eleganz · 15/11/2023 08:58

It always amazes me how people acquiesce to such breathtaking arrogance and rudeness. Paying in time and money to make food for an event you were not invited to is horrendous. Surely "sorry I'm too busy" is the most polite response to be expected of such a request?

I suspect this is not MIL's first offence. But if you let her get away with it you normalise it.

Catlady1978 · 15/11/2023 10:07

@Happbee out of interest what made you make it given the relationship with your MIL? My MIL doesn’t speak to me and my children and due to her behaviour is no longer welcome in my house. I’ve bent over backwards to accommodate the FIL and MIL but I’ve decided I’ve had enough. They haven’t seen my kids in over 2 years out of their choice, not mine. Let her make her own dessert in future!

Whyamiherenow · 15/11/2023 10:48

I think it depends on your relationship. I’m very close to my mother in law. I’ve known her since I was 11. She comes to our house for a meal 2-3 times a week. I know she finds cooking very stressful. If she has friends / relatives to stay, I will always try and give her a whole or part of a dinner party to ease the pressure eg a dessert / a main / a starter etc. but that is something I want to do to help her. My mum also does the same to help her - we live in a small one street town so geographically close - and mum and I don’t mind cooking.

I am sure my mum will have made a portion of a dinner party for me and I’ve not been invited before.

Conversely my mother in law does all my sewing and any stain removal from the kiddos clothes that I just can’t manage. She also does childcare for us at the drop of a hat.

But the difference is we all get along well and want to help each other where we can.

If it is a strained relationship then it is potentially a bit rude / mean. But as a general making a dessert for a dinner party you aren’t invited to - it probably isn’t rude.

Dontsayyouloveme · 15/11/2023 10:55

Just me desperate to know what the dessert actually is? 🤤

Jellytot1234 · 15/11/2023 14:50

I kind of feel like if my partner was invited that the invite included me automatically? Perhaps it’s you that has read the whole situation incorrectly?

BarelyCoping123 · 15/11/2023 17:55

Initially I didnt want to make it. But DH would be upset if I refused...I suppose as some have said I could have said "no". But in the long run would have probably caused more strain on the relationship tbh and I dont want to be so outright petty.

Wtf OP. Just say no. It's not being petty. You are being treated like crap by MIL and "D"H. You obviously see that it's wrong, as you've come on here to discuss it.

sensationalsally · 15/11/2023 18:25

Not the least bit unreasonable.In fact, it's flattering to be asked - she obviously thinks your desserts are great.

YDBear · 15/11/2023 18:26

The problem is with your DH. If he was putting you first, as he should, and he knows you and the MIL don’t get on, he should have made an excuse for why you couldn’t do it. At the very least he should have said “I’m not sure she’s free for dinner that night, I’ll have to ask” thereby implying that attending the dinner was a condition of providing the dish. It would have been interesting to see if the MIL had the brass face to then say you weren’t invited, she just wanted the dish. I suspect she would just make an excuse about being able to source it elsewhere.

pphammer · 15/11/2023 18:29

I'm sure you were part of your husband's invite.

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2023 19:55

pphammer · 15/11/2023 18:29

I'm sure you were part of your husband's invite.

Then he should have communicated that to the OP

pollymere · 15/11/2023 20:11

I suspect she asked your DH if you would make this dessert for a dinner party she was having and he said no problem without really asking you. I've made cake for my MIL in this situation only to find out she'd asked others too.

If she wants things from you, then she needs to ask you herself. Don't accept communication through your DH because you need to be able to know exactly what has been said, and decide whether to say no or not.

Willitwork999 · 15/11/2023 20:23

Ask her to make you a dinner for 6, oh and can she pop it round. 😀😀

exaltedwombat · 15/11/2023 21:01

I take it this wasn't a family dinner with just you excluded? No biggie then. She asked for help with the catering. She owes you one.

coldcallerbaiter · 15/11/2023 21:09

So she does not like you but wants your desserts. Next time smush a fish head in it.

No foraged mushrooms though - not like that woman in Australia on the news… that would be gratuitous…

Bellie710 · 15/11/2023 21:18

Why on earth would you expect to be invited? My mum, sister and me are all good at baking, depending on what is needed we will be asked or ask each other to make things. I would never ask for money for ingredients nor would I expect an invite because I made something although sometimes I am invited.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 15/11/2023 21:31

Bellie710 · 15/11/2023 21:18

Why on earth would you expect to be invited? My mum, sister and me are all good at baking, depending on what is needed we will be asked or ask each other to make things. I would never ask for money for ingredients nor would I expect an invite because I made something although sometimes I am invited.

Did you even read the OP’s posts?

  • the MIL is not nice or friendly to OP
  • OP feels forced into making the cake by her H
  • it was short notice

So not sure why you are comparing OP and Mil to the reciprocal baking you do for your family.

Bellie710 · 15/11/2023 21:46

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 15/11/2023 21:31

Did you even read the OP’s posts?

  • the MIL is not nice or friendly to OP
  • OP feels forced into making the cake by her H
  • it was short notice

So not sure why you are comparing OP and Mil to the reciprocal baking you do for your family.

Show quote history

Yes she said MIL asked her husband first which suggests she was also asked? Fairly normal behaviour for family members,

She says I made the dessert and he took it round, not I was forced to make it then he took it round. There is no mention in the original post about short notice etc.

The last 2 comments drip feed all sorts. She is still being ridiculous her complaint was not being invited not short notice, MIL being a bitch so not sure what your point is?

Zerosleep · 15/11/2023 21:56

What a rude cow, I wouldn’t be happy either unless she was clear she was asking a favour for a dinner party for her friends and offered to pay for ingredients.

Pinkfluff76 · 15/11/2023 22:10

That’s bat shit. I’d also love to know who the people are who voted you unreasonable!!

Mumof3confused · 15/11/2023 22:55

This is strange behaviour both my her and your partner. Is it a cultural thing, ie normal where they are from?

2Rebecca · 15/11/2023 23:00

Can't vote on phone but very unreasonable of her and husband. If he wanted his mum to have a pudding he could cook it. Has he not heard of chefs? Decline future " wifework" nonsense. I've only ever made food for meals I'm attending.

2Rebecca · 15/11/2023 23:05

If you aren't able to cook all the food for an event you have chosen to host then why would you try roping other people who didn't choose to do this in to being your domestic staff? Supermarkets sell ready made cakes and puddings and whole meals. You just buy the stuff you don't have time to make you don't try and get proxy glory for home cooked food you've manipulated other people in to cooking.