Made dessert but not invited....

[Happbee]

Hi

I just wanted to find out some other opinions. The short story is my MIL had a dinner party. She asked me (via my husband at first) if I could make dessert for it. So I made the dessert and my husband took it round. However, I didnt receive an invite to come. I wouldnt have gone anyway as I have kids and it would be past their bedtime (on a school night). But AIBU to think its rude to ask someone to make a dessert but not invite them to come? My husband doesnt see the problem so wanted to know if anyone else sees my POV.

So why on earth did you agree to it then? Who cares if your husband and MIL would be pissed off?
Can never understand being a doormat and then moaning about how awfully people treat you. That's why they treat you that way!

You clearly don't like each other much so I am a little baffled you expected an invite.

It was off her asking you via your DH.

I think you need to stop doing favours for people who don't appreciate you, starting with your husband.

I'm sorry, OP, but your DH is behaving disgracefully. He's invited, but you're not. Instead of challenging his mother about this like a decent husband would, he actually guilt trips you into making a dessert they can all enjoy without you. That's completely fucked up.

OP, I think you have done the right thing and I think you are entitled to have a moan too.

Even if your difficult and distant MIL isn't grateful, your DH will be. If he isn't, I change my view and join the chorus of say no next time.

Next time, bake her one of Minny's 'famous' chocolate pies from the movie 'The Help'. She'll never guess the secret ingredient! 🤣

why would you make dessert for a dinner to which you are not invited?? who was invited? SIL??? MIL can make her own desserts from now on and your hubby needs to start standing up to his mother and being your husband instead of being her son!!!

If you are so scared of your husband and his dessert-rage that you were forced to make it, then you could have made it, wrapped it up so H didnt see it and when Mouth-In-Law unwrapped it she would have seen the "F You" you have written in butter cream on the top. With a little note that you have added an extra ingredient in there for her.

Would have kept her guessing, and you would never be asked again

Next time say no. Tell your DH to do it if he feels so obligated to provide dessert for a party he's not invited to.

I think that depends on the reason for declining

More fool you for doing it. She doesn't treat you well, is rude to you and yet you go running after her to do her favours. People treat you how you allow, so here's a fine example of that.

Absolutely this. No sympathy for people who behave like doormats and then act all shocked why they are treated badly. Stand up for yourself because it is yours and only your responsibility to to do that.

how could it be any more strained?

Who was invited to the dinner party? I’m assuming MILs friends so I don’t really see a problem with her asking you to make a dessert that she obviously really enjoys. It actually seems like you really don’t like the woman so why would you have even wanted to be invited to this dinner party?! Especially if it was all her friends and you say you have a strained relationship? I doubt you would have gone even if she had invited you.

Your husband wasn’t invited either, she probably just said your welcome to join us when he dropped off the dessert as a customary gesture and she would have probably extended the same customary gesture to you if you had been the one to drop it off.

Not sure why you’re acting like you’re baffled why you didn’t get an invite surely you knew you weren’t and you husband weren’t going when he asked you to make the dessert.

You say she “asked” your husband if you could make it, I’m assuming she didn’t demand it from you, you had a choice to make the dessert or not. For all you know your husband could have offered your dessert making services to her!

Wow, that’s cheeky!

‘Yep, sure I’ll make dessert and I’ll only charge you 95% customer cost!’

IF you make another dessert make sure that YOU'RE the one to deliver it, otherwise it's possible that DH not only offered the dessert but was already invited. As the cook you should be present to accept the adulation. MIL will then get to thank you in person.

The next time someone offers your services to others, let them do the work. DH znd MIL seem to be taking the piss.

Well you could of said No, you could not go anyway, so why is it an issue? You choose to make it?

Why would you assume you weren’t invited? If my OH got invited to his parents I would automatically be invited even without being asked

Is it the Delia Smith Amaretti chocolate cake?

You could add some foraged mushrooms?

… just a thought 😉

If it’s a dinner party for her friends, colleagues, or another group that you wouldn’t be part of…eg her siblings or cousins, then it makes sense that you’re not invited. If you’re husband is invited, as his wife, you should be invited too. Unless there’s a really good reason?

I would make something for my mum, if she was hosting for her friends or sisters only, without expecting an invitation to their thing. It doesn’t seem however, like you have that sort of relationship with her, so it does seem odd.

the thing is, why doesn’t your husband see any of this?

@Happbee

Can you please tell us who was at the dinner party as quite a few people have asked and it's never been answered.

Also, you say DH was invited as it was happening. What do you mean by this? Did MIL call him and ask him to come round or did she invite him to stay when he was already there dropping off the pudding?

Doing a family member a favour like this is acceptable and I wouldn't ask my mum etc for the money for the ingredients but she would offer and thank me and that makes the difference.

It's different if you don't get on with MIL and especially since she won't set foot in your home and she's no time for you on the phone, it's kind of rude to be expecting favours from you when she's no time for you. Did she call and thank you for the pudding at least? I suspect not but you haven't told us.

I'm assuming your husband has noticed yous don't get on, does he ask his mum why she doesn't come into your home? Do you ask her at the time why she isn't coming in?

I don't think you should be offended you weren't invited, it's a normal thing to ask for a favour but if DH was invited anyway then I'd think differently about it. I do think she had the cheek to ask for this favour when she's no time for you and I wouldn't be doing it again. If you have no time for me you have no time for my pudding.

As for DH, let him be annoyed when you refuse to do his mum a favour. You shouldn't need excuses but next time a favour is asked you can say no your last favour was shown no appreciation. If your still going to be a doormat say sure, tell your mum to give me a call direct with her requirements.

Oh...and stand up for yourself!!

Oh, I think you're very good at sarcasm. Infact it's a bit of a C reply. Not all families are like yours, not all MILs like their DIL the same way as you. If your going to post a shitty comment then own it!

Maybe in future I should go down on my knees, put my hands together, and say
"Please my most blessed DiL, would you do me the massive favour of making me one of your delicious Tiramasu's, as I am having FiL's brother and wife over for supper on Wednesday, and when I mentioned your wonderful pudding to them they almost drooled. Of course Dad and I will pay for the very expensive ingredients and for any electricity used, and of course we will pay you top dollar for your time. You are of course very welcome to come as well, but then you must know by now that you are always welcome, no invitations necessary. However, I do think I should warn you that my dear BiL isn't exactly the most scintillating company, and his dear wife always brings her crochet with her, even doing it and talking about it throughout any meals at the dinner table - in fact I'm surprised she didn't bring it to your Wedding reception..."

NB I mean this light-heartedly, no serious sarcasm meant - which is just as well as I am not very good at it!

If your husband was going round then surely he should have made the dessert?

I wouldn't be annoyed they asked. But I wouldn't have done it.

I would decline any further requests to cater for her guests in that case!