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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Made dessert but not invited....

188 replies

Happbee · 13/11/2023 21:39

I just wanted to find out some other opinions. The short story is my MIL had a dinner party. She asked me (via my husband at first) if I could make dessert for it. So I made the dessert and my husband took it round. However, I didnt receive an invite to come. I wouldnt have gone anyway as I have kids and it would be past their bedtime (on a school night). But AIBU to think its rude to ask someone to make a dessert but not invite them to come? My husband doesnt see the problem so wanted to know if anyone else sees my POV.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 14/11/2023 07:18

Yes unless you're close and friendly, it was rude. Tell husband to decline next time, if he doesn't then he can make it. Or you could make it very badly, add spices to it etc.

Gardeningtime · 14/11/2023 07:19

Why did you expect an invite? It’s very clear she was having a dinner party and asked you to make dessert as a favour. You’d not have went either, if you didn’t wish to help her out you should have said no, not made it and whinged after.

ChannelNo19EDT · 14/11/2023 07:23

I think that's really rude of her too.

But, you never get good vibes from her, flip it in your head. You feel rejected (understandable). But you wuold not treat anybody like this. Reject her. repeat after me. You only get close to people with good character. So from now on when she asks you to do her a favour, say ''no thank you!'' with a smile and go and do something better when she asks you for a favour. Next time she asks your husband and not you go out, so you don't get stuck babysitting, or, agree in advance, tomorrow I'm going to x

ChannelNo19EDT · 14/11/2023 07:26

IT'S good that this happened just before Christmas. I'm sure thhat it's been pointed out before I came along but do not buy so much as a name tag for christmas presents for his side this year. He can do it. You do it for your side I'm sure.

Mumof2teens79 · 14/11/2023 07:34

mirax · 14/11/2023 03:42

You people are really clutching at straws here. The Mil did not ask the OP directly, she has not the basic courtesy to do so. She used her wimpy son instead. She extended an invitation to the son but not OP. Explain the logic of that. She hasnt thanked nor paid OP (even acknowledged a favour done) for her trouble. Is this what your dear families are like?

Show quote history

It's not clutching at straws it's how normal people communicate in groups. You are having a conversation with one person,you say "oh donyou think (your wife) would make X for me?" "I'll ask her"

And the post you quote does explain why the invitation may not appear to have included OP?

We don't know enough detail to know how or when the DP was invited, when the party was, or that there hasn't been a thank you as OP hasn't told us.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 14/11/2023 07:36

Happbee · 13/11/2023 21:48

Yes they like the dessert I make. Not famous for it though LOL. Just think no-one else can be bothered to make dessert

I wouldn’t say anything about it now. You could be passive aggressive and leave an essential ingredient out next time she asks or point her in the direction of Iceland, (the shop not the Country.) leave a few of their leaflets behind at her house after a visit. Iceland has some lovely deserts.

Shoxfordian · 14/11/2023 07:39

If its a strained relationship then why did you make the dessert?

Crinkle77 · 14/11/2023 07:40

Who were the guests? If it was her friends for example and I can see perhaps why you weren't invited and perhaps she thought oh I'll see if DIL will make her famous dessert'. In that case she should have offered to pay for the ingredients. If it was other family members and OP was the only one left out then yes she's rude.

sollenwir · 14/11/2023 07:43

I wouldn't offer to make anything in the future and if asked say 'I only tend to make food for events I'm actually going to/invited to'.
Unless there's more of a back story she sounds like a cheeky mare.

Zanatdy · 14/11/2023 07:44

I don’t think it’s that bad, presumably she loves that dessert and wanted a favour for you to make it. Maybe your DH didn’t pass that on. Has she personally thanked you? I don’t think because you made the desert means you automatically get an invite. If my adult son asked me to make a dessert he likes for a dinner party with friends I wouldn’t be expecting an invite. But I’d be expecting a thank you from her, not just via the DH

LookItsMeAgain · 14/11/2023 08:00

I would use this instance as a line in the sand.

She stands outside the home of her son and grandchildren and asks you to make dessert but doesn't extend an invitation to you.

Yeah, she is rude. Very rude.

However, the facilitator in this mucked up relationship between the two of you is your husband, her son.
I would tell him that if she doesn't start being politer to you, kinder to you and so on, you no longer want to hear anything about her or from her. He can see his mother, if he wants the kids to see her it's done on his time, not yours. You are done and the way she wanted a particular dessert and you made it, well that's the last time that will happen. She can either go without, make it herself or buy a dessert from a supermarket.

That's my 2c on the situation.

DuckyShincracker · 14/11/2023 08:02

This is the sort of thing I do for my Mum. I used to make her a cake for her book club that I wasn't invited to. We are very close so it's a nice thing to do. I'm not sure about the situation with your MIL. If she was sort of showing off her clever DIL that's one thing. I've got a horrible feeling she's treating you like the hired help. If it's the latter then drop the rope.

butterpuffed · 14/11/2023 08:10

Surely when you were asked via your DH to make a dessert , you should have realised there was no invite for you , especially as you said in your update that when she comes round to yours she stays outside .

Gardeningtime · 14/11/2023 08:12

It’s was obviously very clear she was being asked to make dessert as a favour for mil. it’s not an unusual thing either.

I wonder what’s caused the op to start this thread pretending she thought she’d be invited.

Milknosugarta · 14/11/2023 08:17

If she ever asks again, hand the recipe to your DH and let him crack on.

Gardeningtime · 14/11/2023 08:19

Milknosugarta · 14/11/2023 08:17

If she ever asks again, hand the recipe to your DH and let him crack on.

Or she could just say no?

Maddy70 · 14/11/2023 08:22

I think there is mis communication here. She was having a dinner party and lneos you make a great pudding. She's said to your husband. I wish I could make xxx like dh. he's said shal I ask her if she will make one. She won't mind

Mil says thanks. Pop In. If you like. They would love to see you....

Original poster

Happbee · 14/11/2023 08:25

Thanks for the input from everyone.

Initially I didnt want to make it. But DH would be upset if I refused. It was a request with very short notice.

I suppose as some have said I could have said "no". But in the long run would have probably caused more strain on the relationship tbh and I dont want to be so outright petty.

OP posts:

AgaMM · 14/11/2023 08:29

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being asked to make a dish for someone else’s dinner party, depending on who else is invited. My mum loves my lasagna and has asked me to make it a few times for her. Similarly, a friend of mine loves my chicken pie and once asked if I could make it for her to use at a dinner party she was hosting. For all of those occasions, the guests were not people I would ordinarily hang out with so I saw it as doing someone a favour rather than expecting to be invited too and then feeling excluded because I wasn’t.

But what makes it odd is that your husband was invited, so clearly the guests were people that you both could have spent time with. So your MIL has made it clear that she simply wanted your dish, but didn’t want you there. That’s plain rude. In future, don’t make her anything else.

AgaMM · 14/11/2023 08:31

Happbee · 13/11/2023 21:56

So our relationship is not very friendly. She mostly communicates with DH. If I call her she normally rushes me off the phone and keeps the convo as short as possible. Not nice vibes from her at all. She doesnt come into my house she will stand outside. Its a strained relationship. Previous to this request i havent spoken to her or seen her for a few weeks.

Actually, considering your DH asked you, and you have this type of relationship, it’s not at all surprising that you weren’t invited but he was. Why did you assume you should be invited?

Next time, just say no.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/11/2023 08:37

@Happbee you wrote "Initially I didnt want to make it. But DH would be upset if I refused. It was a request with very short notice."

Stick to your guns woman. You didn't want to make it but your DH would have been upset if you didn't. So he could have either made it or bought one and brought it with him. There are more ways to skin a cat (as the terrible saying goes) and if he gets upset, he has to learn to deal with that. If he had shown up without the dessert, all he had to say was "Happbee was too tired to make dessert. Sorry" and leave it at that. Eventually he'll be confident enough to say "Stop asking Happbee to make your dessert when you're not even extending an invite to her. She isn't going to be doing that for you. She's not your hired cook" but getting to that point will take time.

Mumof2teens79 · 14/11/2023 08:41

"MIL had a dinner party. She asked me (via my husband at first) if I could make dessert for it. So I made the dessert and my husband took it round. However, I didnt receive an invite to come. I wouldnt have gone anyway as I have kids and it would be past their bedtime (on a school night)."
"He was asked while it was happening if he wanted to come round"
"i havent spoken to her or seen her for a few weeks."

This all sounds perfectly reasonable. I can easily go 3 weeks without seeing or speaking to my own family let alone my MIL
Peicing this together it sounds like MIL was talking to DP and asked if OP would make desert.
She apparently followed up with a request in person....all perfectly reasonable.
The night of the dinner party comes round.
OP has desert....then what happens?
DP is invited to bring it round, but only gets that invite during the party?
DP takes it round and once there is invited to stay? Or just offered a drink?
How do we know invite wasn't extended to OP? Maybe they assumed she would bring it? How far away is it? Who was at the party? Old friends of parents that know DP from childhood?
Presumably he says OP is home putting kids to bed? Or MIL already knows this?

I am not sure what else is supposed to happen?
It completely depends how you frame the conversation.

Whether people come into your house IMHO is mostly dependent on whether you invite them.....in words and body language.

burnoutbabe · 14/11/2023 08:53

It could just the mil is awkward. Why doesn't she come inside? Is she not welcome?

Me and my mother in law have an awkward relationship-she isn't a huge amount older than me so mothering relationship doesn't work. So we are cordial. She may ask me for a favour if I am good at it (to flatter me maybe) and the request would probably be filtered through her son (as surely she should speak to him on the phone mostly)

Crikeyisthatthetime · 14/11/2023 08:56

From your update OP it sounds like you have a husband problem.

Does he often put his mum on a pedestal and do you often do things you don't want to, to avoid an argument?

AngryBird6122 · 14/11/2023 08:56