Made dessert but not invited....

[Happbee]

Hi

I just wanted to find out some other opinions. The short story is my MIL had a dinner party. She asked me (via my husband at first) if I could make dessert for it. So I made the dessert and my husband took it round. However, I didnt receive an invite to come. I wouldnt have gone anyway as I have kids and it would be past their bedtime (on a school night). But AIBU to think its rude to ask someone to make a dessert but not invite them to come? My husband doesnt see the problem so wanted to know if anyone else sees my POV.

Next time...add laxatives

She must love your dessert OP.

So why did you make it for her then? Or are you one of these people who do things just so they can have a moan about it?

This.

I see no problem with the request.
You need to be honest.
It's a YES when you want to make dessert and a No when you do not.
Whenever you might ask for her to babysit, it is a similar request and she is free to say YES or NO.

There is a positive to this.
You and your DH would feel more comfortable to ask for small favours and help from your MIL.

Everyone is different ... even slightly odd.

Don't worry. Next time offer to make two cakes and ask what type she would like.

Did you spit in it?

is she asks again - do it, strong chilli trifle or similar😂

This. I can't see what is so rude about asking a family member to help out with something, and as you couldn't have gone, and she presumably knew this, what is the problem??

I would hate to live the way so many on MN do, taking offence at every little thing. You could easily have told her you didn't have time to make the dessert if you didn't want to do it.

I can understand her saying the x dessert you make is lovely, if I give you money for it would you make it for this event I'm having. But given your frosty relationship and the lack of consideration for the cost and time involved I think it's very cheeky. I wouldn't do it again if she asks just say you're busy.

She doesn't come into my house she will stand outside. Its a strained relationship.

But she asked you to do her a big favour? And you did it? I'm perplexed. If someone treated me like that, I wouldn't even be making them a cup of tea.

I find the 'asking for money for ingredients' a bit off.

These ppl brought your husband up - surely you can cover the cost of some ingredients? It wasn't a wedding cake or anything!

But given the relationship I agree with all pp, it was rude of her not to ask you directly and kindly.

Yep!

OP's problem is her DH. He should have told his mother that, "If you want my partner to make a dessert, then ask her directly".

Next time OP if your MIL wants anything from you, unless she shows you some courtesy and manners and asks you directly, it should always be a no.

It's not just rude, it's bloody weird. Why on earth did you say yes?

You made a desert for someone who doesn't like you for a dinner party you weren't invited to 🤔

The MIL didn't ask a family member to make the dessert. The MIL will barely speak to the OP and refuses to enter the OP's house.

Instead the MIL asks her son to ask his wife to make a dessert for her.

The MIL was just plain rude in not asking the OP directly. OP, seems to hope that by doing the favour, her MIL's ice barrier would start to melt. But unfortunately that is not the case.

Next time tell her you are too busy. CF mil! Unbelievable that you actually made it op. I would have put laxatives in the dessert 🤣🤣

YANBU in the least.

Is this downtown abbey and you’re the cook downstairs and she’s the lady of the manor?

I can’t see why else you would make someone a desert for a party you aren’t going to. It’s SO odd.

Am I understanding correctly, in that MIL had a dinner party, she asked if you'd make a dessert for it, your DH wasn't invited either but when dropping off, he was invited in to stay, and you were home with the kids who were in bed so couldn't have gone anyway?

This'd be a non-issue for me. I do a lot of baking. DP's friends/family will often ask if I'll do a tray of brownies/cookies/blondies. If when he was dropping them off, he was invited in to their house whilst I was at home, I genuinely wouldn't bat an eyelid.

I actually do not see a problem here.

Your MIL asked you to make a dessert. You could have said no.

You say the dinner party was mid week and you wouldn't have gone anyway.

You were helping her out.

Does she do anything for you..babysit, do you go round and she makes dinner for you or the kids, does she ask about your kids, how old is she?

Can people do something nice from the good of their heart without expecting some sort of payback for family?

Fucking weird

Never mind your MiL @Happbee your DH is as much the problem here.

Is he scared of her by any chance? Sounds like it, or else he's a total wimp. Sort him out first. Remind him his first loyalty is now to you, he didn't marry his mother, and there's to be no more playing at The Go Between.

Meanwhile tell your MiL there will be no more favours until she treats you as a) an adult and b) a welcome member of the family.

Alternatively, PPs idea of adding laxatives sounds like a plan!

Then you are an absolute nutter for making it.

No sympathy from me - if you are going to be so wimpish then it is your fault

Has she called you to thank you?

Who were the guests? Were they a group of her friends, or a group of mutual acquaintances? Also, how did she ask? Was it a “can you make a dessert for a dinner party?” or a “I’m having some friends around for a dinner party, would you mind making a cake for me?”.

If it was friends and she made it clear when asking then I don’t think she was in the wrong.

If it was mutual acquaintances then she was unkind not to extend an invitation.

Well, then, you've been a mug.

You should've told her or DH that you didn't have time. Or just plainly said no.

Your DH is partly to blame here too.