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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Made dessert but not invited....

188 replies

Happbee · 13/11/2023 21:39

Hi

I just wanted to find out some other opinions. The short story is my MIL had a dinner party. She asked me (via my husband at first) if I could make dessert for it. So I made the dessert and my husband took it round. However, I didnt receive an invite to come. I wouldnt have gone anyway as I have kids and it would be past their bedtime (on a school night). But AIBU to think its rude to ask someone to make a dessert but not invite them to come? My husband doesnt see the problem so wanted to know if anyone else sees my POV.

OP posts:
penjil · 13/11/2023 23:52

GetBackIntoBed · 13/11/2023 23:47

Then you are an absolute nutter for making it.

No sympathy from me - if you are going to be so wimpish then it is your fault

This.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 13/11/2023 23:57

Lieblingsessen · 13/11/2023 23:19

The MIL didn't ask a family member to make the dessert. The MIL will barely speak to the OP and refuses to enter the OP's house.

Instead the MIL asks her son to ask his wife to make a dessert for her.

The MIL was just plain rude in not asking the OP directly. OP, seems to hope that by doing the favour, her MIL's ice barrier would start to melt. But unfortunately that is not the case.

Show quote history

Here we go again......... It doesn't matter who MIL asked, or whether she speaks to OP or not. OP agreed to make the dessert, knew she wouldn't be able to go to the event, and yet still she whines. She had a choice, make the dessert or not. She was never going to be able to attend the event in any case, so why be so hurt that she wasn't invited. I didn't get on particularly well with my MIL. If she had asked my DH to ask me to make a dessert I would have either made it, handed it over, end of. Or I would come up with a reason why I couldn't do it, end of. It's quite simple really.

As I said, I am so pleased I have a stress free life by not obsessing over these silly little things.

Mumof2teens79 · 14/11/2023 00:00

Happbee · 13/11/2023 21:56

So our relationship is not very friendly. She mostly communicates with DH. If I call her she normally rushes me off the phone and keeps the convo as short as possible. Not nice vibes from her at all. She doesnt come into my house she will stand outside. Its a strained relationship. Previous to this request i havent spoken to her or seen her for a few weeks.

It's interesting that you say "my house"
I like my MIL, I think we get on quite well, and have known her 20yrs, but I would never call her unless an emergency and she rarely calls me, and I haven't seen her for 2 months easily but she has seen OH and kids.....so in some ways your relationship seems about right, she asks you favours, you do talk on phone, she comes to your house.
How do the conversations go on the doorstep, do you invite her does your OH invite her?

Crumpleton · 14/11/2023 00:26

She mostly communicates with DH.

No...not on at all.
If MIL can't be bothered to speak to me herself I'd take every message that's given via DH as her just having a chat with him and take her wondering, as in I wonder if Happbee would make a pudding, as just the same.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 14/11/2023 00:40

In future you could just say you'd forgotten the recipe, for that and everything else. Or tell her to ask her DS!!

JMSA · 14/11/2023 00:51

I would be happy to do this as a favour IF the relationship was good, and if helping each other out was reciprocal.
I definitely wouldn't expect an invitation! That's bitter and petty.

JMSA · 14/11/2023 00:52

disappearingfish · 13/11/2023 21:46

Outrageously rude.

Like, how? Confused

HerRoyalNotness · 14/11/2023 01:00

Is it too late to send her an invoice?

id only do it if I was otherwise friendly with MIL and I am mine. But she’d never be so rude to ask

SurelySmartie · 14/11/2023 01:07

What an odd situation all round really.
And what on Earth is this dessert???

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 14/11/2023 02:07

I would have taken being asked to bring a dish as an invite.

HoppingPavlova · 14/11/2023 02:52

So our relationship is not very friendly. She mostly communicates with DH. If I call her she normally rushes me off the phone and keeps the convo as short as possible. Not nice vibes from her at all. She doesnt come into my house she will stand outside. Its a strained relationship. Previous to this request i havent spoken to her or seen her for a few weeks

In this case, hell would have frozen over before I made a dessert.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 14/11/2023 03:04

Whattodowithit88 · 13/11/2023 21:48

She needed help and outsourced it to family, that’s perfectly fine as long as she helps you out too, so I suppose it’s cheeky if she doesn’t ever help you out but if she does then it’s fine, that’s what family is for. People are so busy being offended these days I’m surprised anyone breathes!

This. Absolutely.

She probably thinks of you as family @Happbee.

I know that I do with my DC's partners/spouses. They all get treated as near as dammit possible, in exactly the same way as those I gave birth to. I love them so much, and before reading Mumsnet AIBU threads, I would have expected them to understand that I was asking them for a favour because I really enjoyed their 'cooking' - in this particular case. I would ask that of my daughter - if she could make such tasty desserts - and would not think it was any different to ask my DiL for the same favour.

Maybe in future I should go down on my knees, put my hands together, and say
"Please my most blessed DiL, would you do me the massive favour of making me one of your delicious Tiramasu's, as I am having FiL's brother and wife over for supper on Wednesday, and when I mentioned your wonderful pudding to them they almost drooled. Of course Dad and I will pay for the very expensive ingredients and for any electricity used, and of course we will pay you top dollar for your time. You are of course very welcome to come as well, but then you must know by now that you are always welcome, no invitations necessary. However, I do think I should warn you that my dear BiL isn't exactly the most scintillating company, and his dear wife always brings her crochet with her, even doing it and talking about it throughout any meals at the dinner table - in fact I'm surprised she didn't bring it to your Wedding reception..."

I noticed OP that she did ask your DH if he wanted to go. Unfortunately (IMO), one of the few things wrong with the English language is that unlike many other Latin based languages we don't have a plural 'you', so if your MiL said to her dear son "would you like to come, she almost certainly meant both of you(s)!"

NB I mean this light-heartedly, no serious sarcasm meant - which is just as well as I am not very good at it!

NB2 - to anyone reading this: I know that the English Language is not solely a Latin based language. There is also a large ancient Greek influence, some norse, some Indian, we also adopted a few of Shakespears made up words, and there might even be some double Dutch for all I know.

It really is time I was asleep, so sleep tight, and don't let those pesky mainland European bed bugs bite.

mirax · 14/11/2023 03:42

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 14/11/2023 03:04

This. Absolutely.

She probably thinks of you as family @Happbee.

I know that I do with my DC's partners/spouses. They all get treated as near as dammit possible, in exactly the same way as those I gave birth to. I love them so much, and before reading Mumsnet AIBU threads, I would have expected them to understand that I was asking them for a favour because I really enjoyed their 'cooking' - in this particular case. I would ask that of my daughter - if she could make such tasty desserts - and would not think it was any different to ask my DiL for the same favour.

Maybe in future I should go down on my knees, put my hands together, and say
"Please my most blessed DiL, would you do me the massive favour of making me one of your delicious Tiramasu's, as I am having FiL's brother and wife over for supper on Wednesday, and when I mentioned your wonderful pudding to them they almost drooled. Of course Dad and I will pay for the very expensive ingredients and for any electricity used, and of course we will pay you top dollar for your time. You are of course very welcome to come as well, but then you must know by now that you are always welcome, no invitations necessary. However, I do think I should warn you that my dear BiL isn't exactly the most scintillating company, and his dear wife always brings her crochet with her, even doing it and talking about it throughout any meals at the dinner table - in fact I'm surprised she didn't bring it to your Wedding reception..."

I noticed OP that she did ask your DH if he wanted to go. Unfortunately (IMO), one of the few things wrong with the English language is that unlike many other Latin based languages we don't have a plural 'you', so if your MiL said to her dear son "would you like to come, she almost certainly meant both of you(s)!"

NB I mean this light-heartedly, no serious sarcasm meant - which is just as well as I am not very good at it!

NB2 - to anyone reading this: I know that the English Language is not solely a Latin based language. There is also a large ancient Greek influence, some norse, some Indian, we also adopted a few of Shakespears made up words, and there might even be some double Dutch for all I know.

It really is time I was asleep, so sleep tight, and don't let those pesky mainland European bed bugs bite.

Show quote history

You people are really clutching at straws here. The Mil did not ask the OP directly, she has not the basic courtesy to do so. She used her wimpy son instead. She extended an invitation to the son but not OP. Explain the logic of that. She hasnt thanked nor paid OP (even acknowledged a favour done) for her trouble. Is this what your dear families are like?

MyCircumference · 14/11/2023 04:57

but why did you make it, you must have known you werent invited

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/11/2023 05:02

If you had a friendly relationship and she had just invited friends over this request would have been fine.

However given that you DON'T have a nice relationship and she asked your DH to join them and not you, then it is very rude.

Lesson learned for next time, say "I'll bring it with me when we come over for dinner, ok?"

If she asks you to bring it earlier then say "oh I won't have time to do that, sorry! It will all be a bit last minute I'm afraid."

So you haven't said "no", nor have you agreed to cater for something you're excluded from.

Vulvasaur · 14/11/2023 05:30

I would've made something really weird, like unset jelly with squirty cream on top, so she would've been embarrassed in front of her guests. Or just a pie tin full of shaving cream 🤣

LizzBurg · 14/11/2023 05:32

You are complaining about not being invited to a dinner party that you couldn’t go to hosted by someone that you don’t really get on with and you knew you wouldn’t go when you made the dessert. You did something nice for your MIL for nothing in return, you might be surprised to learn that this is quite common amongst families.

WandaWonder · 14/11/2023 05:45

People help each other out in situations where doing this all works for everyone, it doesn't seem to be the case in the OPs situation so the OP could have just said no

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 06:04

I once made a key lime pie and accidentally used unsweetened condensed milk - it was horrible but looked normal, perhaps a recipe idea for next time.

MusicAndPassionWereAlwaysTheFashion · 14/11/2023 06:46

It's a tough one. If she doesnt even come in, or want to speak to you, then your relationship is pretty dire IMO.

Be busy. If she asks again, get your DH to say you are not feeling well, or got a lot on and can't do it.

the cheeky bitch

LemonCurd1 · 14/11/2023 06:47

Lesson learned, don’t make another dessert again! She’s a cf.

Olika · 14/11/2023 07:02

With the relationship you have with your MIL I wouldn't be bothered next time.

GreyCarpet · 14/11/2023 07:09

Presumably, OP, you knew you weren't invited when she asked. So, if it bothered you, you could have just said, er, what's the word I'm looking for?

Oh, yeah, it's "no".

Ahwhatthehell · 14/11/2023 07:13

Happbee · 13/11/2023 21:56

So our relationship is not very friendly. She mostly communicates with DH. If I call her she normally rushes me off the phone and keeps the convo as short as possible. Not nice vibes from her at all. She doesnt come into my house she will stand outside. Its a strained relationship. Previous to this request i havent spoken to her or seen her for a few weeks.

Ah well, that simplifies things. You know where you stand and what she thinks of you. Leave it all to your DH in future. All contact, all visits and all the fucking dessert making.
Leave her to it, she doesn’t want you. Try and move on in your head, op.
It’s sad but she’s making a choice and will the bigger loser in the end. Silly woman.

Tempnamechng · 14/11/2023 07:16

This is something my mil and I would do for each other if asked, however in the context of our relationship it would be fine. You and your mil however don't have a relationship, so you need to say no next time.