Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

563 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 10:52

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

OP posts:
MrsSlocombesCat · 13/11/2023 12:55

You need to make this a separate thread as you have posted as a reply to someone else’s post. For what it’s worth you clearly need bereavement counselling but your husband turning to drink is not he answer, of course you have lost your libido when you feel so unsupported. But looking at it from the other side men often take rejection of sex as rejection of them. I don’t know if you need to leave but maybe take a break from each other and seek couples counselling too.

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 12:55

I've taken the ring doorbell off and put it on charge in the living room. I've given a friend access to the doorbell, and set up a code with her that I can quickly text her if I need her to look or ring police.

Will read through messages and respond... give me two ticks.

OP posts:
HScully · 13/11/2023 12:58

Something very similar happened to a friend of mine. When I looked he had multiple social media pages under different identities. He was manipulative and used the "trauma" to excuse bad behaviour. I wouldn't even be 100% confident we knew his real name.

Run for the hills as fast as you can!

MrsPinkL · 13/11/2023 12:58

God I can’t stand a Walter Mitty. Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for people to lie about being in the army, people even do it to access help that should have be available for veterans.

You could question him a bit more ask his service number ( I can guarantee to you that nobody that has ever been in the army will ever forget this number) Push more on where he was deployed etc? I’d honestly have to just to see the lying snake under pressure.

Do not have dc with a man that’s got in to relationship with you, got you to buy a house with him all while lying! That is not the man you want to spend the next 18 years parenting with

1990thatsme · 13/11/2023 13:02

Oh gosh! A Walt!

It is incredible it’s never come up in conversation before though? Like “oh DH must have been in the army then?”

I think you can legally ring fence a deposit even if you are married but too late for that now. I think you need to call a solicitor and see what they advise. 💐

NetZeroZealot · 13/11/2023 13:04

OP, be prepared for him to tell you it was a cover story because he is involved in a Top Secret mission.

This is surprisingly common. On no account should you believe him.

What regiment did he claim to be in?

Jibo · 13/11/2023 13:06

Wow, this is wild.

Did your MIL tell you what DH was doing during the time period he's told you he was serving?

Mirabai · 13/11/2023 13:07

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 13/11/2023 12:54

@Mirabai

Next time, I’ll open with “SARCASM ALERT”

Seems I need to open with a sarcasm alert too!

Globules · 13/11/2023 13:11

You poor thing. How awful.

I'll reiterate the need to keep yourself safe in this, as he may be violent when you speak with him.

And get a solicitor employed now. They may be able to support getting your deposit back.

willWillSmithsmith · 13/11/2023 13:11

Oh my goodness, please be careful. When someone’s big secret is out and confronted it’s not unknown for them to do terrible things. Your safety is the most important thing here. Choose your moment when there are safety measures in place.

jlpth · 13/11/2023 13:12

Fucking hell OP

Make sure you keep yourself safe. He sounds dangerous and could flip if he knows you spoke to MIL and found out the truth.

Thank God you don't have kids with him.

You need to get away and you need to do it safely. Divorce is a given.

Tighginn · 13/11/2023 13:13

Bcg scar that most people over a certain age have?

Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 13:14

So reasons I think he would get violent:

  • He constantly talks about the violent side of it, killing kids, etc, that have weapons/bombs. Highlights his kill count
  • Always says 'one more wouldn't make a difference' in terms of kill count
  • Punched a door through once when he got angry
  • Has a very short temper. I can't raise things with him like asking if he'd like to go somewhere on holiday without first asking him not to get angry with me for suggesting something.
  • Told me how he broke the arm of his ex girlfriend's boyfriend when he got angry because he tried to start a fight
OP posts:
Original poster
CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 13:15

Also please stop with the 'don't have kids' comments :( I'm infertile, hence my surgery, and it's emotionally ruining me

OP posts:
DontListenToWhatYouveConsumed · 13/11/2023 13:19

I have read two threads this morning that have convinced me SOME men need to have a visible warning on them to alert every prospective partner to kick that one back to the gutter.
Make sure you stay safe OP, he sounds a nasty wanker.

mummysquasher · 13/11/2023 13:19

Leave leave leave. As soon as you can do so safely.

ExDH was one of these, ex army officer he said. No memorabilia because "trauma", no uniform pictures at his parents' house because they had wanted him to join the RAF 🙄

I didn't find out till after I'd had DS. It was exPIL who dropped him in it during a conversation with my mum. She was saying how he'd been upset because of it being Remembrance Day etc (obviously this was just an excuse for shitty behaviour). Turned out he was never in the army, he was actually in the police and never made it beyond constable!

Needless to say this was one of many many many lies, infidelities and frauds that eventually came out during the course of years of child arrangements, divorce and financial court proceedings. Just leave him, there's nothing to salvage here. Don't make the mistake of thinking his mother will have your back.

TheBunnyLover · 13/11/2023 13:20

Oh god OP I had a DP do this exact lie once. I wonder if it is a common-ish thing? Why lie about being in the army? Or indeed any occupation? What else may he have lied about?

Ex DP went as far as to be 'triggered' by fireworks-I was up all night with her as she got 'flashbacks'.

She wasn't as clever about it as your 'D' H though. For a start, she was really fat-and I am not a body critic at all, I loved her and didn't care what her body looked like, but I had my suspicions because the things she said she'd had to do in the army-she just was nowhere near fit enough for! Not just weight wise but she had a very complicated problem with her foot which meant lots of regular surgeries. Anyway sorry for thread derail but just got me thinking-wonder how many people do this?
I hope you can get someone to be with you and keep you safe from him-he sounds dreadful. I am sorry you're going through this. You're doing the right thing.

TheBunnyLover · 13/11/2023 13:20

X post (sort of) @mummysquasher .

CaroleSinger · 13/11/2023 13:21

Either just leave and get to safety or call the police immediately and tell them you fear for your life if he finds out what you know. Please don't be another statistic. Get out now.

porridgeisbae · 13/11/2023 13:21
  • Always says 'one more wouldn't make a difference' in terms of kill count

@CinnamonSwirl82 Brrr, that's very intimidating. Is there anyone who would take you in? I think it's safest to get away from him as soon as possible.

TheBunnyLover · 13/11/2023 13:22

@MrsPinkL is this a common thing? How strange. I am pretty sure one of my cleints lied about it too, some years ago but as he was just a client it didn't so much matter to me to get to the bottom of it.

Lovemychair · 13/11/2023 13:22

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 12:55

I've taken the ring doorbell off and put it on charge in the living room. I've given a friend access to the doorbell, and set up a code with her that I can quickly text her if I need her to look or ring police.

Will read through messages and respond... give me two ticks.

I think this is unnecessary drama op , just go and stay with a friend or book a hotel.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 13/11/2023 13:23

Jeez that's awful, if you do confront him definitely have someone with you, preferably a male, with you.

Lovemychair · 13/11/2023 13:26

TooOldForThisNonsense · 13/11/2023 13:23

Jeez that's awful, if you do confront him definitely have someone with you, preferably a male, with you.

I wouldn't want to risk a third party getting injured if he is volatile.

Jibo · 13/11/2023 13:26

Hello OP - this FB group (Walter Mitty Hunters Club) might help you get confirmation if you need it:
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61550628272522

Also, this old thread has some advice that you might find useful:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4426640-I-m-99-sure-my-friend-s-boyfriend-isn-t-what-he-seems