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Original poster

Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

563 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 10:52

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

OP posts:
MercyIsEliminated · 13/11/2023 13:27

Why would you marry a man who constantly talks about killing children and says that "one more wouldn't make a difference"? Who has a hair trigger temper about ordinary topics of conversation? Who has been violent in the past? Honestly, lying about his (lack of) military service would be the least of it for me.

AbbeyGailsParty · 13/11/2023 13:29

OP, you need good legal advice, the pp who suggested you may be able to have the marriage annulled is an excellent one, worth looking into.
If he’s anything like the Mitty I knew ( long time ago) more lies will come to light.
Look after yourself.

Sparklfairy · 13/11/2023 13:31

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:21

House is jointly owned but he'll be damned if I'm the one leaving it. We only recently bought it and I sold my property to pay the deposit.

We're married and were talking kids... why wouldn't I trust the guy. I'm a fool.

I get what you're saying but your updates about his violent behaviour put a different spin on this.

Bragging about a kill count that he doesn't even have? I have NO idea why you would want to stick around to 'confront' him and make a point of staying in the house so he knows exactly where to find you.

Your priority should be your safety, not your money.

EasterIssland · 13/11/2023 13:31

Hope everything goes ok when you talk to him. And really sorry you’re going through this

JFDIYOLO · 13/11/2023 13:35

My mother had one of those. His Waltery was that he was working closely with the security services to create a network of Dads Army type agents ...

But this one sounds potentially dangerous.

No games, no detective work, no trying to catch him out.

Your safety comes first.

Pack a bag, take the financial evidence, get a hotel, call a solicitor.

Everything in writing from now on.

Nows · 13/11/2023 13:36

Don't confront him op. What's to be gained by it? He's not going to say "oops, you caught me out, sorry. Want a cup of tea?". He's either going to come out with more lies, or he'll get very angry.

At this point in your relationship I see no benefit whatsoever in you trying to get at the truth because a) you never will, and b) regardless of what he says, you can never trust this man and will never feel safe with him.

Give yourself some time to recuperate (and I'm sorry for what you're going through), and while recuperating make arrangements to leave, make arrangements to see a solicitor, and impress upon your MIL the importance of her not saying anything.

DRS1970 · 13/11/2023 13:37

You could have him request a subject access report SAR via the veterans agency. That will supply a service leaver with a copy of their military service records. Everyone who has served is entitled to make the request. He is correct about having to hand his ID back, but no idea what the book is that he mentioned. Unless it is a record of his trade experience.

FictionalCharacter · 13/11/2023 13:38

JFDIYOLO · 13/11/2023 13:35

My mother had one of those. His Waltery was that he was working closely with the security services to create a network of Dads Army type agents ...

But this one sounds potentially dangerous.

No games, no detective work, no trying to catch him out.

Your safety comes first.

Pack a bag, take the financial evidence, get a hotel, call a solicitor.

Everything in writing from now on.

I agree. Though surely it can wait until you’ve recovered from the surgery (unless MIL can’t be trusted not to tip him off).

FictionalCharacter · 13/11/2023 13:39

NOTANUM · 13/11/2023 12:22

Could he be secret services, MI5 or MI6? They go undercover for years..

I wouldn’t put up with it but just a thought.

They are not part of the Army.

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 13/11/2023 13:42

@CinnamonSwirl82 we once had someone join our work place who said that he was an ex marine. He had scars on his arms and claimed that he had been in a climbing accident whilst serving where he had also injured his leg. The accident did happen, but just not to him. He went on to tell a whole load of terrible lies. There are parts of what you are saying that really sound like he is the same person, particularly if the chest surgery was more to do with an incident.

Christine7 · 13/11/2023 13:42

Nows · 13/11/2023 13:36

Don't confront him op. What's to be gained by it? He's not going to say "oops, you caught me out, sorry. Want a cup of tea?". He's either going to come out with more lies, or he'll get very angry.

At this point in your relationship I see no benefit whatsoever in you trying to get at the truth because a) you never will, and b) regardless of what he says, you can never trust this man and will never feel safe with him.

Give yourself some time to recuperate (and I'm sorry for what you're going through), and while recuperating make arrangements to leave, make arrangements to see a solicitor, and impress upon your MIL the importance of her not saying anything.

This is excellent advice , please read it and then read it again.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 13/11/2023 13:43

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 13:14

So reasons I think he would get violent:

  • He constantly talks about the violent side of it, killing kids, etc, that have weapons/bombs. Highlights his kill count
  • Always says 'one more wouldn't make a difference' in terms of kill count
  • Punched a door through once when he got angry
  • Has a very short temper. I can't raise things with him like asking if he'd like to go somewhere on holiday without first asking him not to get angry with me for suggesting something.
  • Told me how he broke the arm of his ex girlfriend's boyfriend when he got angry because he tried to start a fight

Most people I know who are army don’t talk about the killing part readily including my ex.

amusedbush · 13/11/2023 13:44

Take copies of all legal documents, leave and don't look back. He has proven himself to be a violent pathological liar and no good can come from confronting him.

He is going to panic at having been caught out and he will feel like he is losing his grip on you, and I guarantee you don't want to be there fanning those flames.

Baffledandalarmed · 13/11/2023 13:46

Oh, OP. This is very sad.

Unfortunately, the one thing you can count on is that the people who have seen action/danger (even if they’re not military but something like MSF) will never talk about it.
But until you know someone who’s been in those situations it’s not something you know (if that makes sense). So people up thread berating you are being a bit ridiculous.

I would personally speak to a solicitor before you do anything else - you might be able to secure your house without having to ‘buy him out.’

Fionaville · 13/11/2023 13:47

I have a friend who tells big dramatic lies and small everyday lies for no reason whatsoever. It's very strange. Some people are compulsive liars. It's doesn't necessarily mean he's dangerous, just that he can't be trusted.
I had a very short fling with a compulsive liar when I was younger. I realised he always had a dramatic story to tell, then his cousin warned me. She said he's harmless, but take his stories with a pinch of salt. I couldn't stay with him because I felt like everything he said was a lie, even compliments.
I would definitely get rid of him, a marriage is nothing without trust. If you have a trusted friend or relative get them round while you tell him. You need the support.

Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstomycar · 13/11/2023 13:47

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 13:14

So reasons I think he would get violent:

  • He constantly talks about the violent side of it, killing kids, etc, that have weapons/bombs. Highlights his kill count
  • Always says 'one more wouldn't make a difference' in terms of kill count
  • Punched a door through once when he got angry
  • Has a very short temper. I can't raise things with him like asking if he'd like to go somewhere on holiday without first asking him not to get angry with me for suggesting something.
  • Told me how he broke the arm of his ex girlfriend's boyfriend when he got angry because he tried to start a fight

Is this new since you married him? Or was he alway like this?

Did you get any independent legal advice when you used your money on the house deposit? Did he put anything in? Who pays the mortgage?

ClawedButler · 13/11/2023 13:50

Is there somewhere you can go in the short term while you're recuperating from your operation and have a think about how to proceed?

GrimDamnFanjo · 13/11/2023 13:53

I'd give yourself a bit of time to get physically stronger and your ducks in a row. You've a plausible reason for separate rooms.
Get the paperwork together before you say anything.

Duckingella · 13/11/2023 13:54

In my circle men who pretend to have been in the army are known as Walts (Walter Mitty).

Unfortunately I know at least two walts;one was identified and his secret came out;the other is a friends partner who has actually been in the armed forces but has lied about where he's been and what he's done;he was discharged due to a court marshal not medical like he told my friend;I have no intention of telling her as it's not my responsibility to do so.

JudgeJ · 13/11/2023 13:55

He constantly talks about the violent side of it, killing kids, etc, that have weapons/bombs. Highlights his kill count

Someone who has served in the most secretive units will not talk about what he's done or seen.

forgotname · 13/11/2023 13:57

Charge ring camera in same room as you and set to live record so have recording of anything. Stay safe

fingerguns · 13/11/2023 13:59

I'm sorry OP, that sounds terrible. If you're worried about your safety, especially as you're still recovering, could you ask any friends - maybe get three of them together - to be with you? More witnesses, and he'll be outnumbered. Or bring it up in a public place?

I hope everything works out for you!

Whoopy · 13/11/2023 14:00

Baffledandalarmed · 13/11/2023 13:46

Oh, OP. This is very sad.

Unfortunately, the one thing you can count on is that the people who have seen action/danger (even if they’re not military but something like MSF) will never talk about it.
But until you know someone who’s been in those situations it’s not something you know (if that makes sense). So people up thread berating you are being a bit ridiculous.

I would personally speak to a solicitor before you do anything else - you might be able to secure your house without having to ‘buy him out.’

Not true. Prince Harry did talk about his service action and gave a total of his “kills.” This wasn’t just speaking to someone, he wrote about it for anyone in the World to know! If he can, others can.

Ponderingwindow · 13/11/2023 14:02

If you are worried about his reaction you shouldn’t be confronting him at all, even with assistance.

you should bide your time, gather your documents and anything of your possessions you can’t stand losing, open a bank account, and rent someplace to live. Then at the very last minute, transfer half of any joint assets into your new bank account and leave. You can most likely get the rest of your things later, but they are just things.

Intelligenthair · 13/11/2023 14:05

Ask your MIL to keep it to herself while you recover.

Then go and see a solicitor, get some advice and make a proper plan.

Don’t rush into anything.