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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lying DH... wtf do I do?!

563 replies

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 10:52

Didn't think I'd be putting this one up but here we go. If anyone saw my previous post about finding DH & friend cuddled up on the sofa... surprisingly this isn't the lie I've uncovered but stay tuned because that cat will probably also come out of the bag when he gets his ass home!!

DH has always told me he was in the Army. He comes from a military family (MIL confirmed) so I never saw any reason to doubt. He was apparently injured and discharged, he has scars, but never wanted me to discuss with MIL as she was upset about it all. First 🚩. He'd get upset talking about it, nightmares, tell me about killing kids and constantly talking weapons, military vehicles, etc.

Some things haven't lined up for me and having caught him out lying about when he last had surgery yesterday I decided to ask MIL.

Weellll.... it was all a lie! He's never even been in the Army never mind getting deployed. He doesn't know that I know and I'm wondering how to approach it. I want to ask him if he's got anything to admit to because I know the truth, but then exactly what else will I uncover? Will he get angry? I dunno.

I've just come out of surgery and I'm still healing so I'm fragile in terms of being able to pack his shit and throw it outside. I don't know if I'm ready to admit to anyone yet what's happened and I don't even know who I could call for backup. Do I hide the kitchen knife block just in case? Who is this man that's in my house?!

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 13/11/2023 11:44

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:31

Irrelevant as we're married and it's the marital home ☹️

It’s not irrelevant, if you ring fenced your deposit regardless of marriage that is yours x

pikkumyy77 · 13/11/2023 11:45

F

Hankunamatata · 13/11/2023 11:45

Does he have his dog tags? Cap badge/beret?

Even ex squaddies who dispised army after kept those

Night409 · 13/11/2023 11:46

How many red flags do you need to see before you decide you are better than this?!

If you are still healing from surgery then I would not say anything until you have sorted everything out.

Tell your MIL that you don’t want her telling him that you know but you don’t want to talk to him about it for a couple of weeks.
Do you think she’ll say anything to him?

When you are strong enough then arrange with MIL for him to move back there and break up with him and explain why.

He is a pathological liar and wouldn’t tell you the truth anyway so there’s no point even asking.

If the house is jointly owned you will have to either sell it or buy him out though.

His name doesn’t start with B does it?

This almost identical scenario happened to my friend and it was his mum who told her that he had never been in the army and it was all a lie.

WhatWhereWho · 13/11/2023 11:47

So in all the time you have been with him it never came up with his in laws about him being in the army? Even a mention?

If this story is all true. I can't see a way back from this. He's a con artist and the fake troubled army guy persona was probably a way to get women and perhaps other attention. Hope all goes well with you and that you do not accept any apologies or lies.

IHateLegDay · 13/11/2023 11:49

Please leave and don't look back.
My ex was a compulsive liar with a seriously dark background which all came out as false (I also found out by talking to MIL) and when I confronted him, he absolutely went mental.
He was already emotionally and physically abusive and this made him worse.
Stupidly I stayed for another year but I wish I'd just walked then.

DaftyInTheMiddle · 13/11/2023 11:49

How many red flags do you need to see before you decide you are better than this?!

I agree. OP, I remember your last post and I’m agog you’re still with this man. Please do what you need to to end this relationship. It sounds like he has concocted a whole personality here, this isn’t “normal” levels of arsehole bloke lying, this is dangerous psychopath territory.

ManateeFair · 13/11/2023 11:50

Good grief. Obviously he's mad.

Military stuff is, for some reason, quite a common thing for fantasists to lie about. I don't think it necessarily suggests a propensity for violence, more a desire to be seen as a hero and to provide an excuse for shitty behaviour.

Muddybooties · 13/11/2023 11:51

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:31

Irrelevant as we're married and it's the marital home ☹️

It isn’t irrelevant. And I would strongly suggest seeing a solicitor before you approach things with the husband.

You should have got a declaration of trust.
And been tenants in common rather than joint tenants.
Pre or post nup too.

Seek legal advice.

And tell MIL to keep a lid on it until you know your rights and are as protected as you can be legally.

Also until you are recovered and stronger.

Boozybadger · 13/11/2023 11:51

Thank god you found out before having children with him!! Well done for going with your gut and finding out the truth!!

BluebellsRoses · 13/11/2023 11:52

I totally agree with the people saying that your safety is the priority and that you should get out of the house asap.

Maybe someone can help you to collect all of your computers, hard drives, paper files, sentimental items etc and get them to somewhere safe. It would be good for your peace of mind and make it faster if you have c someone else there.

Get that solicitor booked. If you can't trust him then you can't be in a relationship with him, can you?

I'm praying for you and sending hugs!

mommatoone · 13/11/2023 11:58

Bloody hell OP this is truly awful.
You are getting some good advice on here. Make sure you protect yourself, he is clearly unhinged!.

What has happened when you have been in the company if his friends, Has this never been mentioned?

Unless he hasnt got any friends/ you haven't really met them. Thets another red flag !

Good luck.

ClareBlue · 13/11/2023 11:59

You're not a fool for trusting someone. Everyone has misplaced trust in someone or something in their lives at some stage.
It's how you act from now own that will be the judge as to whether you are foolish or not.
Safety has to be number 1 priority. Then practical steps to secure your housing and security. There seems to be plenty of advice from those that have gone through similar for you to be able to get a plan of action together.

Caerulea · 13/11/2023 12:02

CinnamonSwirl82 · 13/11/2023 11:30

I have a thought. We have a ring doorbell that needs charging so I can go put it on charge so he can't see someone come over.

I have a friend who's an hour away and I can see if her partner is free. He's a 6ft4 guy who is plenty big enough that DH wouldn't... I don't think... try something.

DO IT! 6ft 4" man friend ftw here. Get him round to be with you whether it's to confront him or to cover you while you pack stuff to stay elsewhere in case he turns up.

It was all weird enough till you said he's actually fabricated evidence, I thought that stuff only happened in films. Lying is one thing but to go to that extent is unhinged JFC.

Mirabai · 13/11/2023 12:03

I don’t understand why you’re waiting to hear what he has to say. Who cares what he has to say? He’s a pathological liar and he will no doubt lie about why he lied.

OhComeOnFFS · 13/11/2023 12:03

I can't imagine what you're going through given everything has been a lie, but why do you think he might be violent towards you?

ConstitutionHill · 13/11/2023 12:06

Sorry to hear this OP. I agree that you should be careful regarding the time and place you confront him.

You should be even more wary about the the fresh onslaught of new lies; poor me; I'm suicidal; yada yada to draw you back in.

Don't be posting back here in a few years time saying how you ignored some red flags and forgave!

MaliciaKeys · 13/11/2023 12:08

He's obviously not a well man mentally, to have lied about such a massive thing. However don't be sucked into feeling sympathy for him. It's the same with people who fabricate illnesses for attention, they are clearly ill, just not physically.

LAMPS1 · 13/11/2023 12:10

Burly Man can’t stay forever though can he.
And your lying husband isn’t obliged to leave the home.
So if I were you, I would pack my essentials and leave the house if you can before he comes back after work today as he sounds very unpredictable.
Go to a safe place…family or friends or the employer you spoke about. Or even MIL.
Dont go back unless you are accompanied and unless you know the house is empty and only go back to collect the rest of your stuff.
You need a good solicitor and fast.
I’m sorry you are in this terrible position.

Lollypopland · 13/11/2023 12:11

I agree with the posters saying you need to leave. All very well having someone there with you to confront him but what about if he comes back later?

Whiteday · 13/11/2023 12:12

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 13/11/2023 11:07

Tell him you are organising a party for all of his army mates and can you have their details. Watch him squirm..
Be prepared for his dm to stand by him imo.

Do not game play like this! Bad idea.

Pinkdelight3 · 13/11/2023 12:16

Irrelevant as we're married and it's the marital home

Not in such a short marriage. See as solicitor asap.

Flickersy · 13/11/2023 12:17

Lollypopland · 13/11/2023 12:11

I agree with the posters saying you need to leave. All very well having someone there with you to confront him but what about if he comes back later?

Or what happens if he calls the police because his wife has got someone in to physically intimidate him out of his own house.

It's a bloody stupid idea.

Don't play games, don't hire men. Just make yourself safe and then you can take steps to obtain an Occupation Order for the house.

PainPeas · 13/11/2023 12:18

@CinnamonSwirl82 , back in 2019 I wrote a post almost EXACTLY like this. The ONLY difference was that my abuser was from the US and was pretending to be a US Marine. They call it Stolen Valor and it's taken extremely seriously over there. I also found out through his mother, who he also told me not to talk to about it because it was too traumatizing for him to discuss with them and too upsetting for his Mom to think about.

This pathetic creature had shown me pictures of "him" in Afghanastan (really blurry, pointed out his friend who ACTUALLY was in the USMC), medals he had received (bought online), his "uniform" (bought online). He went into extremely graphic detail about killing men, women, children. He had even faked discharge papers. As someone from the UK, I don't even know what UK discharge papers look like never mind USMC papers. Looking back it was so obvious it was all lies.

So my advice, having been exactly there, is this. Firstly, make absolutely sure you have 999 on speed dial and make sure your MIL knows when you are about to confront him. He won't be violent until he is and men like this can lash out when cornered in their lies. I would even maybe have MIL there with you. If not Make a plan to text your MIL after half an hour, then half an hour after that so she knows you are ok. She should also be on hand to present the evidence if you don't have it in text form as without it he will likely keep trying to wiggle his way out of it.

When you are ready and he is home do not to beat around the bush with "I know" or "Do you have something to tell me?", or any other vague BS. Don't make it a game. Confront him directly. "I know you weren't in the Army". Present him the evidence. Give him no opportunity to drag it out. Despite this, he will try. It's a manipulation tactic so he can regain control of the situation, to make you feel sorry for him and to make you doubt yourself, and he may try to do so using the following excuses.

He was stressed and having a hard time at the time he told the lie. He didn't think your relationship would become more than a fling when he told the lie so he thought he would never have to worry about it. Then, when you did become more serious he felt he couldn't admit his lies to you. He will blame his lies on childhood trauma, not being able to join the military because of XYZ problem, he was stressed and wanted to live a fantasy life for a while, thinking it wouldn't harm anyone. He is fucked in the head and needs help which is why he made up vulgar tales of kids being slaughtered.

I wouldn't get into it any further than that with him. Stonewall any more excuses. You don't want or need to hear it and there is no point in hashing out why he lied about killing women and children or whatever other fake trauma stories he told you, because there is no explanation or excuse good enough to make any of it make sense.

At this point you set out what is going to happen. You are the one in control here, not him. "I want to stay but you get therapy". "I want you to leave and we are getting divorced". "Go and stay with your mother/friend/wherever while I get my head around this". Whatever you decide to do you set it out right there and then. Don't give him hope because that allows him a space to manipulate you again. If you are kicking him out follow through with it, have a bag packed and ready. I made the mistake of staying. It may not seem as simple as just leaving him, but I would strongly advise not wasting time trying to change a liar and manipulator. That's 2 years I won't get back trying o fight the inevitable after catching him in another lie (liver failure), on top of the 3 wasted years believing he was a veteran. You cannot fix him and it will be extremely hard to make this work and to trust him afterwards.

Next, and this is the absolutely most important part, is for you to get some real practical help. Despite my abusers stories of murdering innocents being fake, his PTSD episodes etc, it all left me very traumatized and eventually I was diagnosed with PTSD. GET THERAPY NOW. Do not wait. Do not try and do this on your own. Do not try and make sense of it with his help because he is too close to the situation. He IS the situation. You need to work through your own feelings on this with he help of a pro, separate from him and separate from his family. The lie itself is a big enough betrayal but the context can and will leave you mentally tortured going over and over and over it all. Also, as much as your MIL is supporting you now don't rely on it. They will always ultimately side with their baby boy.

Stay strong, and stay safe OP. Don't fall for more lies, manipulation, begging, crying, pleading or intimidation. If you want to DM someone who has been there please feel free to send me a message. I can give advise or just be a listening ear.

ETA: Record record record and record every conversation, too. Regardless of the outcome he will twist the story and if it comes to divorce you need all the evidence you can get.

NOTANUM · 13/11/2023 12:22

Could he be secret services, MI5 or MI6? They go undercover for years..

I wouldn’t put up with it but just a thought.

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