Catered for 8 and no one showed up

[TheFailedCaterer]

I was in tears all of last night and I know shit happens but I’m so so annoyed.

Solid group of 6. 2 have partners, 4 singles, none of us have kids. For the past few weeks everyone has been seriously discussing meeting up as it’s the 5 year mark of us graduating Uni and going out into the working world.

We decided on yesterday. I and another woman initially wanted to go to a pub/restaurant but some others suggested that we’d do a BBQ instead. My house was the most “centrally” located for everyone so we decided that I’d host it.

Yesterday morning one of the group said in the group chat that she was tired so she and her boyfriend would be cancelling. 2 more cancelled, one due to it being a long week at work and one due to her niece being sick.

Someone then said that now that there’s 3 of us left should we take a rain check! The other one agreed so the whole event is now postponed to who knows when! I wouldn’t have minded but I bought so much food. They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) and it included things like a whole sushi platter that can’t be bloody kept and brisket/seafood that are fresh and I’ll never finish on my own.

AIBU to be completely pissed off? We all get tired but it feels so selfish to me to cancel at the last minute like this.

Totally see why in demand restaurants insist on deposits

I would be raging. And I would leave a message stating I am extremely upset, and well out of pocket so won’t be hosting again ever. When someone decides when and where you will meet next let me know. And then I would be backing away

What you need to look at is your passivity in the group, and is there a strong need to please others.
Our need for approval allows us to offer too much of ourselves to others, which they then can too easily decide to leave or take.

Because of low level of valuing yourself as a friend/group member, you take of the role of deferring to others needs before your own.

Here's a couple of clues

" They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) "

"we decided I'd host it"
What!!! how can 'we' decide something for YOU?

Read those sentences and see what role you are playing in the group.

(you went to great trouble to avoid making a decision and deferred to the higher powers because you wanted to please them.
Someone else might have said 'girls I'll just buy the usual stuff we like and you'll have to deal with that because I'm not spending ages trying to get agreement'.)

I suspect you rushed in to agree to hosting it because that serves a function for you being at the centre of things and being 'useful' because there's a part of you that is worried if you are not useful to people then what have you to offer them?

This dismisses and ignores the unique qualities you do have, that draws people to you. Because it's too scary to think people mightn't like you.

The more dominant others might take advantage of your willingness to be helpful. They would be thinking 'oh Susan won't mind if we postpone she's lovely and very easy going!'

In future, think carefully about your own time. No need to ditch the friend group, just take a hard and honest look at the role you play.

Then in future, think about what suits YOU. Don't think about how you can serve others.

A Sunday night (unlesss you are in Australia?) is not a great bet for an event.

Knowing how the group behaves, reduce your exposure to this sort of thing, by saying 'I might host it, but let's decide closer to the day, because I might change my mind'.

If someone make a request to you or a demand, the most useful tip is to buy time for yourself to think it over.

Simply say 'can I think about that and get back to you, not sure what I have on then'

Everyday of our lives is a learning day - unfortunately!

Absolutely this!

How dare they! It's not only very unfair to you, but it's a shameful waste of food.

And don't agree to host again.

Agree - plus, I'm often tired and don't want to go out, but invariably find that when I do go I have a great time

Have you suggested that they come and collect their share of "the rest"?

They're bliddy cheeky!

I vote YABU... ONLY because you should straight up tell THEM not mumsnet that cancelling is no longer an option because money has been spent.

Yes I get why you are annoyed, they are rude but you need to tell them that this has cost you money so they either show up as planned or pay their share or know that you will NOT be hosting them ever again.

I'd be tempted to post them all a bit of the sushi.
In the slowest postal service you have.

Get real guys no one is gonna stump up money for food they didn’t eat.

It was their choice not to go and to eat it.

Why should OP have to stump up for food she doesn't want and wouldn't otherwise have bought? Would you want to subsidise 7 other people?

The poster wasn’t saying she should stump up

but being realistic that they’re thoughtless twats and unlikely to transfer money

so the poster is saying block and move on

I’ve never had an açai bowl and just googled. I’ve love one. I’m going to make some. I’ll look for a place that serves it near me too 😍

It's really annoying when one person cancels and the others follow suit... it happens alot!
Your situation is alot worse with food waste and expense though.
Would they pay at least £5 per head like someone else suggested?

You're right.

I mis-read - I stand corrected.

Freeze it and eat it yourself

It's really hard to find better friends though. Everybody seems to cancel thoughtlessly these days. In my experience.

The saying about princes and frogs comes to mind. IME for every 10 friends you have at one time, perhaps 1 or 2 will prove reliable. Fewer if you move areas a lot. It’s nothing personal, just basic probability.

The other object lesson in this thread is about over-investing in friendships or friendship groups. I learned very early in life, thanks to disappointing childhood birthday parties, not to try too hard when hosting as an adult. We save the barbecues and dinner parties for family and close family friends only, and stick to pubs, takeaways and Costa for wider social circles. Or if more is called for, deposits for a restaurant booking, which tends to concentrate the minds of the flaky and superficial.

Pathetic. I once had a Christmas gathering, not many but 8 or so and all said they'd come. They knew it was small. None showed up for one reason or another for fairly flimsy reasons.
This has happened at other times. I used to organise the Christmas meals out for a group of school volunteers. The only time I got all the people to show up was to tell them they had to pay in advance. I mean I don't want to force people to come out, but everyone is enthusiastic about it as long as someone else is organising it. Then they feel 'too tired' or 'something has come up' or 'feel a bit if a cold coming on'. Bull. If you don't want to come fine, but say so before I organise it all.

The venn diagram of people who are flaky and those who rarely organise anything is a pretty neat circle. If you expand the diagram to include people who are more needy and prescriptive, you still have a neat circle.

I got to the point of quietly phasing out some flaky, non-organising friends by just ceasing to invite them. It didn't take long for contact to fade off, and I found I didn't miss them as any meet-ups were always clouded by the doubt of whether they'd turn up or not.

What a wonderful group if friends you have. I wouldn’t bother with them.

Did they pay for the food?

Never offer to host again or arrange things with this group

I would be absolutely fuming if I’d gone to so much trouble especially buying the food. I’m interested in why you didn’t voice your opinion and costs in the group chat. Maybe they would have reconsidered if they knew how much trouble you went to. I know I would if it was my friend. But then again I wouldn’t be shitty and cancel last minute unless it was something urgent or unavoidable. Seems like you need to find new friends…

I'm just over twice your age, I think, and am puzzled that this shared celebration wasn't more shared from the start - you suggested a restaurant in the first place, how did you end up not only agreeing to host at your home but paying for that food upfront, and did you/were you expected to do all the prep as well?

I think you should ask them to pay their share, and unless one or more of them wants to come and get some of the food, do you have organisations which collect/take donations and redistribute left over food for homeless people etc? I London I know people who do this with left over picnic food at events that have happened. You can tell your friends from student days that you are at least planning to do this with food that you don't now have a use for.

I think that asking for a share of the cost, at least at your age, is reasonable, and if they don't agree, then hopefully you can find a new social circle. If they do cough up and there are future plans for another celebration, make it either a restaurant or at least a shared commitment that you don't host, and/or that the host isn't expected to shop and cater and foot the bill all at once, that preparations are shared (that might make the restaurant booking more attractive!)

Utter bastards.

Yeh send them a bill, I'm so sorry for you.

You can tell everyone in this fiasco is childless and has 0 sense of accountability.
Childish and inconsiderate behaviour from the whole 'friend' group.

OP you learned from this now, please tell them to shove their sushi up their arses.

Honestly this should not be the new norm. Grown adults acting as if the world will always cater to them and there are no consequences for their choices ...

I would have went ballistic.

I hope OP ignores daft advice like this. And all the other bill 'em and bin 'em comments.

They've been friends for several years so presumably most of the time plans don't fall through.

Hopefully this is a one off.

Good friends are hard to find, OP.

I think I'd have said "Er, guys, it's too late to cancel, I've bought the food now as you know. I don't have the freezer space and don't want to spend the rest of the week eating expensive party food instead of my usual groceries so you need to get your arses in gear and come over."

Too late now though