Catered for 8 and no one showed up

[TheFailedCaterer]

I was in tears all of last night and I know shit happens but I’m so so annoyed.

Solid group of 6. 2 have partners, 4 singles, none of us have kids. For the past few weeks everyone has been seriously discussing meeting up as it’s the 5 year mark of us graduating Uni and going out into the working world.

We decided on yesterday. I and another woman initially wanted to go to a pub/restaurant but some others suggested that we’d do a BBQ instead. My house was the most “centrally” located for everyone so we decided that I’d host it.

Yesterday morning one of the group said in the group chat that she was tired so she and her boyfriend would be cancelling. 2 more cancelled, one due to it being a long week at work and one due to her niece being sick.

Someone then said that now that there’s 3 of us left should we take a rain check! The other one agreed so the whole event is now postponed to who knows when! I wouldn’t have minded but I bought so much food. They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) and it included things like a whole sushi platter that can’t be bloody kept and brisket/seafood that are fresh and I’ll never finish on my own.

AIBU to be completely pissed off? We all get tired but it feels so selfish to me to cancel at the last minute like this.

What a bunch of selfish flakes your friends are!

I agree with SleepingStandingUp's approach here.

The excuses are lame! If they were so tired, all the better to go to a friend's house as a guest and be waited on I would have thought!

Anyway, try and see if they'll do the decent thing and not leave you out of pocket (they should be offering without you having to ask). The ones who won't reimburse you, I wouldn't bother with again.

The rest, well, see how you feel once you've got over this disappointment, but if I were you I'd set some boundaries for the future (1) I'd never host again, (2) I'd never arrange anything, even a a restaurant, someone else will have to step up next time.

That's if you want to bother with them at all, going forward.

They need to contribute to all of the food costs, not just the sushi.
I'd never agree to host ever again.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people these days who are just so flaky. I feel like it got worse during and after the pandemic - at least in the European country I am in.
People pull out of things just because they can't be bothered and don't feel like it on the day, but don't consider the other people involved and the effort someone has gone to.
Also, here the "I've got Covid" excuse is bandied around all the time - there are so many people in my social circle who seem to have covid every 3 or 4 weeks. Obviously if they do have it I wouldn't want them spreading it around but it sadly becomes less believable when it is constantly being used.

This is so awful. They should contribute an equal share to the wasted food. I really feel for you OP. I am sorry that happened. What a shit crowd!

@Ncforrrthis I agree with you. None of us are perfect

On MN, I see a disproportionate number of posts saying "These people aren't your friends, ditch them" and I also see a disproportionate number of posts from people who are lonely and struggle with friendships. I think this is connected

Over the years, various friends have irritated me occasionally or been thoughtless. They could probably say the same about me. I'm no pushover, but I don't like to end an otherwise good friendship over one incident

Good points that no one is perfect, so on the positive side op, if you want to keep these friends, you now have a get out clause to not host again for at least the next 5 turns. In fact, the worse they are, the easier it is. Going forward 'let's meet up, who's hosting' 'not me, someone else's turn, I did last time' 'but you're the most central' 'I'm afraid you have to be joking after you all left me £x out of pocket last time'

That's outrageously selfish of them. I think you should ask for the money for the food.

Terrible, but I think the 'rain check' person is the worst of all. I hope you protested when they suggested cancelling just because some people can't make it. If they're going to do that every time you may never meet up because there can always be cancellations.

This. Super rude and feeble excuses.

Sounds like they each had better offers so they made their excuses. Maybe you are not as close as you once were?
I’d send them the bill, not bother to arrange anything else and move on with your life.

Yes I thought this. Hardly an onerous task! Bunch of flakers.

Def send them the bill!!!!

i woldnt have any room in my freezer for all that-bloody rude

not exactly the same but my dsis invited people just for drinks out of 30 only 4 turned up felt really bad for her

Ugh, ugh, ugh. I’m raging on your behalf, OP.

So disgusted at how selfish and lazy so many people are these days.

@NeedToChangeName

On MN, I see a disproportionate number of posts saying "These people aren't your friends, ditch them" and I also see a disproportionate number of posts from people who are lonely and struggle with friendships. I think this is connected

But aren't the people saying 'ditch them' advocating for making decent friendships, because they have experience of doing so, themselves? Are you sure that people like myself, saying 'ditch them' aren't talking from personal experience of building a successful and respectful social circle? Or do you genuinely think that people are posting 'Ditch your friends!' on one thread, then posting 'I'm miserable after ditching my friends' on another?

Thinking that two things are connected doesn't mean they're connected, and I'd tend to think that the people who advocate for ditching friends aren't those who are miserable from having done so themselves. There are lots of people on MN who have dogs, and lots who hate dogs. Do you conflate those too?

They sound utterly pathetic OP

who on earth has voted YABU?!

Selfish cunts. I'd tell them to pay up and then fuck off out of my life. I feel really angry for you OP - I've had similar done to me in the past.

Tell them you've bought all the food already so can they contribute towards the cost.
In this situation I think you need to be assertive, they're arseholes if they don't contribute.

Never organise group meals they are best left alone. They may well have been speaking to themselves prior to the meal and one said I am not going and then like they all followed suit! Load of prats.

That’s disgusting behaviour of your ‘friends’. I would never host them again after that behaviour. Is there something you don’t know about, like a separate WhatsApp group that you’re not part of? I don’t say that to make you feel worse but it happens.

Yep not on at all. Don't ever offer host again and don’t be the organiser/ deposit payer if you go for a meal out. They’re inconsiderate friends, all too common unfortunately.

So sorry OP. I probably see my uni friends once every few years now, some people get very flakey!

This is not ok and I am truly sorry. Never ever host them again. Make sure they know you bought all the food.

I’d say ‘so sorry everyone had to cancel, but as we had already agreed on the food I got it in and it cost this much £xxx. I’d really rather not be out of pocket for agreeing to host and so can everyone transfer x amount to my account please. I can’t afford to cater for 7 people’

Id also be majorly pissed off. Since when has being tired been an excuse for cancelling last minute? It’s so so rude! This will get worse off them if they go on to have kids OP and so I’d go to meetups arranged (only if they pay you back tho) but I wouldn’t ever host or plan anything yourself again!

Forget all the "food waste" nonesense. This is simply disrespect. I dont think the poster was concerned about the cost, I have put on spreads that have cost hundreds and never counted the cost as it was a lovely gathering, I have experienced the same. I was hurt,furious, angry and righteously so. Draft a letter to all of them. Then move on sweetheart !

Did the OP ever clarify whether she said anything at all during the back and forth messages earlier on in the day regarding those dropping out.

That would have been perfect opportunity to interject and say “hey guys… I’ve already bought the food, and a shed load! So I’m a bit… hurt / peed off that now looks all going to go to waste”

Good friends “oh shit sorry - yep, let’s definitely crack on with tonight and looking forward to it”.
or
“so sorry, ok - not going to come but we will all reimburse now and you can have a cook up and enjoy it al! Sorry”

Invite other less flaky friends for an impromptu dinner. Never host them again. Make an excuse next time and move on. Hopefully it is nothing personal but you never know. So annoying for you OP.

Op I think in your shoes I would be sending a very measured calm message to the WhatsApp group or however you communicate with your friends, to say that you have distributed the food, frozen the rest, and cleared up the rest of your preparations, but frankly after all of the communication at the outset, certain people insisting on having the event in someone’s home, after the effort and outstanding costs involved, for the record, you feel let very down that so many of your friends felt that cancelling at the last minute for reasons that did not constitute an emergency was acceptable.

Tell them you understand that life is busy and everyone is pressured but that this all feels disrespectful and you won’t be bothering in future and sign out!

The ball is then in their court.

Portion the food up before you freeze it.

Cut the brisket into steaks that you can slow/pressure cook in stock/gravy one or two at a time.

Do the same with the seafood. Portion it out. Use it for a Sunday brunch or such like.

At the end of the day, you still need to eat, and surely you don't eat out for all 14 meals (lunch/dinner) every week.