Catered for 8 and no one showed up

[TheFailedCaterer]

I was in tears all of last night and I know shit happens but I’m so so annoyed.

Solid group of 6. 2 have partners, 4 singles, none of us have kids. For the past few weeks everyone has been seriously discussing meeting up as it’s the 5 year mark of us graduating Uni and going out into the working world.

We decided on yesterday. I and another woman initially wanted to go to a pub/restaurant but some others suggested that we’d do a BBQ instead. My house was the most “centrally” located for everyone so we decided that I’d host it.

Yesterday morning one of the group said in the group chat that she was tired so she and her boyfriend would be cancelling. 2 more cancelled, one due to it being a long week at work and one due to her niece being sick.

Someone then said that now that there’s 3 of us left should we take a rain check! The other one agreed so the whole event is now postponed to who knows when! I wouldn’t have minded but I bought so much food. They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) and it included things like a whole sushi platter that can’t be bloody kept and brisket/seafood that are fresh and I’ll never finish on my own.

AIBU to be completely pissed off? We all get tired but it feels so selfish to me to cancel at the last minute like this.

That’s terrible. People can be very flaky and all they see is their own little world. They’re not your friends.

Send them a bill with your bank details. Tell them you don't gave room in your freezer for food you'll never eat so they can come and get their share if they want but they best be quick. Then dinghy them.

My reasoning is just that ending a long friendship over a crap action will probably lead to few or no friends.

If it's a one off yes, maybe. I chucked a friend who has never paid their share of the holiday we went on, asked me to lend them money and moaned they can't believe they've not paid me back yet. They haven't paid back half and we went a year ago. And still ask me to lend them money here and there.

Be Kind
Self Care
Wellbeing
Emotional fragility
Work/Life balance.

I suggest that you stick to eating out with reservations that can be cancelled at the last minute if someone’s nephew’s girlfriend’s dog needs therapeutic reassurances whilst they nap.
No, I’m not surprised that your flaky friends are mid-late twenties.
Yes, they should contribute to the expense you have incurred, if they are friends.

Sadly it seems that being self centered and not wanting to make an effort for others is more prevalent than it used to be.
Socially acceptable manners used to be much clearer and more commonly impressed upon people from childhood.
Perhaps in the past sometimes too rigidly, but it's gone the other way now, that people are too laid back and consideration for hosts/others efforts seems to be barely on the radar.
It's hurtful and rubbish.

I think there is more than 'one crap action here', and that's why we're not on the same page. For me, they've failed to show up, they've notified OP at the last minute, they've agreed on specific food and let her go out and buy it, they've cancelled for reasons that would make anybody feel shit, they've failed to offer to reimburse OP, they've essentially suggested she 'suck it up' and deal with the cost on her own, and they've neglected to consider how she might be actually feeling about all of this.

I wouldn't call that 'one crap action', and would leave friends for it, even if it left me with no friends for a bit. I won't be treated like that. It's up to others if they choose to stay with friends like that, for fear of being lonely otherwise, but it's not good advice to say 'let it go, people are shit sometimes'; that also dismisses OP's feelings.

Sorry to talk about you in the 3rd person, @TheFailedCaterer , my posts are actually for you!

Did everyone just think that you was paying gif it all because it was at your house?
Why did they think this?

Absolute lame arseholes. This really gives me the rage as I hate flakiness. None of these excuses are good esp last minute. I’d def bill for food unless you can freeze - this is why I tend to buy food for gatherings v last minute and people know that I can’t abide this sort of behaviour and I’d give v short shrift to crap excuses. Obviously being properly ill/bereaved etc is different but short notice ‘tired’ doesn’t wash with me - I’m always tired 😆

It took me too long to realise that people who never host have NO idea how much time and money go in to it. Honestly - find friends who reciprocate as soon as you can and drop the users. You'll end up not liking them anyway.

How frustrating

If it's any comfort, my sister lived in Australia for a while and felt people were generally more flaky / quicker to cancel than she had been accustomed to in the UK

These people are not your friends. There is probably a reason you haven't all met up for so long. This happened to me in a similar way, needless to say haven't see the people since.

That's realy shit OP and I would feel really pissed off and let down like you. Freeze what you can (do you even have a big enough freezer?) and then make sure that every single next time you guys meet up, it is at one of their houses for a BBQ and then just bring out bits of the frozen food for your contribution each time.

When you next meet at a restaurant and they try and divide the bill between all 6, say oh can you divide it between 5 please as that will compensate me for all the money I spent the other week on sushi that I had to throw away as me and my neighbour couldn't possibly eat it all before it went off!

I would definitely write something in the group.

It was such a shame you couldn't come yesterday as I have catered for 8 people at a considerable cost of £×

If anyone would like to contribute here is my Iban number. It was awful having to throw so much away. As most of it couldn't be kept as I didn't have space in my freezer

Perhaps next time it would be better to meet in a bar as then there is no impact on any of us

My dad used to say this to me 20odd years ago, you can count your real friends on one hand, he was right all the way back then and things have only gotten worse

Given the cost of eating out, I’m guessing the OP is more likely to be in Singapore than Australia.

I would tell them you won’t eat the food and if any of them want to pick it up to do so. I also wouldn’t host the next time.

It is weird that your friends chose all the food, and left you to foot the bill.
In this situation, I wish I had the courage to charge my absent friends, but I know I would feel too embarassed. But I DO know, I would never host again.

What a pathetic bunch.

OP, these are not the actions of friends. Seems you’ve found yourself in the midst of a bunch of selfish, flaky and thoughtless herd.

Up to you to decide if you want to keep them, but expect more of the same if you do.

Reason #101 everyone is lonely, has no support system etc… This behaviour is not conducive to being supported.

In future you don’t buy all the food. Whoever wants the sushi platter can buy it, someone buys desert, another one buys wine/soft drinks.

In future you don’t buy all the food. Whoever wants the sushi platter can buy it, someone buys desert, another one buys wine/soft drinks.

She wanted to do a restaurant in the first place - not host so I say in future if she still wants to meet up stick to her guns and do that - then no one gets stuck with unwanted food and hosting work and anyone who pushed for BBQ in future is automatically the host.

Any time someone starts using these phrases, I cross them off my friends list!

Ages and stages and numbers are the key to friendships.

When I look at my old uni friends and ones from when I was really young I just do not have much in common with a couple of them anymore. A couple of them still party like we did in our twenties. It also starts to sometimes get odd when people start to partner up or have children. Some people really change.

Really long term friends where you have gone through life stages are great but people change. I have three 30 year plus friendships, one has become venomous as she is unhappily single, one is competitive and the other is married to someone that neither DH nor I like and she has become a sort of parroting mouthpiece of his views. We are all at peri menopausal/menopausal age and they have all gone a bit crackers but I love them so let it wash over me. That’s the stage I’m at.

Their behaviour was terrible op, I wouldn’t burn bridges but try lots of different things to meet as many people, as possible. I reckon for every 100 people met you could click well with maybe 10. I am good at collecting people and in all those years I have only ever fallen out with two friends. One it was definitely her and the other well to my regret it was on me and I did apologise.

Appalling behaviour! You absolutely need to request that they pay their share of the food!

100% tell them they need to cover the cost of food bought, and also call them out for their bad behaviour!