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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Catered for 8 and no one showed up

255 replies

TheFailedCaterer · 13/11/2023 08:35

I was in tears all of last night and I know shit happens but I’m so so annoyed.

Solid group of 6. 2 have partners, 4 singles, none of us have kids. For the past few weeks everyone has been seriously discussing meeting up as it’s the 5 year mark of us graduating Uni and going out into the working world.

We decided on yesterday. I and another woman initially wanted to go to a pub/restaurant but some others suggested that we’d do a BBQ instead. My house was the most “centrally” located for everyone so we decided that I’d host it.

Yesterday morning one of the group said in the group chat that she was tired so she and her boyfriend would be cancelling. 2 more cancelled, one due to it being a long week at work and one due to her niece being sick.

Someone then said that now that there’s 3 of us left should we take a rain check! The other one agreed so the whole event is now postponed to who knows when! I wouldn’t have minded but I bought so much food. They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) and it included things like a whole sushi platter that can’t be bloody kept and brisket/seafood that are fresh and I’ll never finish on my own.

AIBU to be completely pissed off? We all get tired but it feels so selfish to me to cancel at the last minute like this.

OP posts:
ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 14/11/2023 19:56

NearlyMonday · 14/11/2023 19:48

But I guess it was still Monday yesterday??

Show quote history

What's so special about Mondays that a barbeque can't be held? Life is different in the southern hemisphere Grin

HappyMe6 · 14/11/2023 20:43

Well firstly they are not friends. A friend would offer to pay ( I would as I’d feel awful if I left you stranded like this! ) I would expect them to pay for their share op. Also their feeble excuses wouldn’t wash with me.

RantyAnty · 14/11/2023 20:49

PrinceHaz · 13/11/2023 09:43

Is it an Australian thing?

Indeed it is. Some of the rudest see you next tuesdays on the planet.

mandlerparr · 14/11/2023 20:51

Oh, man, I thought this was going to be heartbreaking and it is just bad manners. Well, the one that suggested going to a pub knows what is up. I think your group will have to stick with things like that. Also, things like that need to be planned out more definitively and more in advance. I know you all were talking about it for weeks but sounds like concrete plans weren't made until right beforehand. People may have still canceled, but it probably would have been days ahead instead of hours and you wouldn't have a ton of food. Also, I think this also a problem with group chats. If that first person had called you to say they weren't coming and no one found out, I bet others would have all still showed up.

azlazee1 · 14/11/2023 21:11

Don't volunteer again .

Mumof3confused · 14/11/2023 21:19

They sent you photos of what to buy and didn’t offer to share the cost? Was nobody else bringing anything for the BBQ and expected you to foot the bill for the whole thing? That the first red flag right there!

Finteq · 14/11/2023 21:23

Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, ever host again.

Just don't ever put yourself in this position again.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 14/11/2023 21:25

NearlyMonday · 14/11/2023 19:34

OP, I really feel for you, but why did you all arrange a BBQ for a Monday night in November?

The OP posted yesterday (Monday) at 08.35 uk time in the morning which would have been early evening on Monday in Australia.

In that post she says she spent most of last night (I.e Sunday) crying and they had all agreed for the event to be held yesterday (Sunday).

A BBQ on Sunday in November in the southern hemisphere sounds pretty unsurprising to me?

penjil · 14/11/2023 21:51

Next time arrange a pub or restaurant somewhere that takes a big deposit up front. Much less chance of them pulling out and being flaky.

Msmbc · 14/11/2023 22:22

I must be the only person that thinks this isn't really a big deal. It's hard getting a big group together and people often flake out of events. That's rude if it's a special occasion but if it's just an informal get together that a bunch of people are going to, why not cancel if you are really tired. It's very unfortunate when it's a domino effect but no one person is responsible. I can see why the other two would suggest a rain check if the whole point was to get all six of you together. And if you can keep the food in the freezer and they offered to split the cost of the sushi then what's the issue? You don't have to eat the freezer food in a week, you can eat it over months!

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/11/2023 22:48

The one who cancelled cos their niece is sick - I don’t get it?! What bearing would that have on whether they could come to yours or not?!

Topiography · 14/11/2023 23:04

@TheFailedCaterer
OP, I'm so sorry you have experienced this, please change your user name, as you haven't failed anything, your so called friends have failed you.
Some people will not think this is relevant, but in Christian Scripture, Matthew Chapter 22 verses 1-4 there is a parable about a king who gave a wedding banquet for his son, and those invited to the feast were so hostile or indifferent, even mistreating and murdering the king's servants, the king was enraged and sent troops to avenge the murderers, and then invited people on the streets to the feast.
Could you share the food, which sounds lovely. with your neighbours, or community groups?

NorthernGnashers · 14/11/2023 23:08

I'm angry for you, especially as you went to bed crying. Hope your friends are ashamed of themselves.

Mamanyt · 14/11/2023 23:17

FrenchandSaunders · 13/11/2023 08:36

I’d be raging OP. How rude and disappoints. Send them all a bill.

This, and do not offer to host again. Ever.

saythatagaintome · 14/11/2023 23:23

wWow.. You’re not wrong to feel this way. Wow. Will they be refunding???

Jeannie88 · 14/11/2023 23:40

Really, all no kids, just feeling a bit tired etc? Wouldn't have happened in my day. X

Lili132 · 14/11/2023 23:42

I would definitely tell them how you feel. Not all people are unreliable but you will attract more of those if you just ignore bad behaviour.

NorseKiwi · 15/11/2023 00:25

I have a rule that if I am hosting a dinner party and someone drops out on the day, I never ever invite them round again. Its different if someone's two year old is sick and they cant leave them, but if people drop out on the day, the message is they don't value my invite, which is clear feedback that I don't need to invite them to my house for lovely food and entertaining in the future

I live in NZ where people can be very flakey, but this rule came about when I lived in the UK.

Badgrief · 15/11/2023 00:43

Send a message "As suggested by X and Y, the cost per person for the food I bought is $? Please each transfer your contribution to me before the weekend. Much of the food will be wasted because I can't freeze it all or don't want to eat it as I chose things you all wanted"

I wouldn't offer to host again but if you do get everyone to bring their own food and drink

MCTorridWaffles · 15/11/2023 01:14

NorseKiwi · 15/11/2023 00:25

I have a rule that if I am hosting a dinner party and someone drops out on the day, I never ever invite them round again. Its different if someone's two year old is sick and they cant leave them, but if people drop out on the day, the message is they don't value my invite, which is clear feedback that I don't need to invite them to my house for lovely food and entertaining in the future

I live in NZ where people can be very flakey, but this rule came about when I lived in the UK.

Your rules are your rules Norsekiwi but I think that’s a bit harsh as people can genuinely suffer sudden illness. My dh got Covid last week and he was totally fine one minute and throwing up the next. Lots of gastric bugs start this way and I definitely do not want people turning up to my house with those!

Also, there’s no need for such a rigid rule as it usually takes only a few months for true flakes to show themselves.

sashh · 15/11/2023 02:31

Put the food on Olio or nextdoor.

Send a bill for the food.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 15/11/2023 02:34

Msmbc · 14/11/2023 22:22

I must be the only person that thinks this isn't really a big deal. It's hard getting a big group together and people often flake out of events. That's rude if it's a special occasion but if it's just an informal get together that a bunch of people are going to, why not cancel if you are really tired. It's very unfortunate when it's a domino effect but no one person is responsible. I can see why the other two would suggest a rain check if the whole point was to get all six of you together. And if you can keep the food in the freezer and they offered to split the cost of the sushi then what's the issue? You don't have to eat the freezer food in a week, you can eat it over months!

People "flaking out" of an event which has been organised is always rude. Just because the people you know have no manners doesn't make it right.

flaxentoad · 15/11/2023 07:23

TheFailedCaterer · 13/11/2023 08:52

Boxed some of the sushi and gave it to one of the neighbours I’m close with, ate the more perishable sushi for dinner and brekkie and put the rest in to the freezer.

I asked about the food last night and someone said “oh keep it for meal prep”. Then someone else said they’ll split the sushi cost because the rest can be frozen as it’s not that much different from my grocery order but I don’t want to eat this for the next bloody week!

Show quote history

Your friends seem to have a lot of suggestions for your life, don't they? Deciding you could host in the first place and now telling you how to handle all the food they left you with and telling you about your normal grocery order.

They can't seem to run their own lives very efficiently, you don't need suggestions from them!

Afteropening · 15/11/2023 08:00

this is one of those mumsnet “friendships” where actually no one seems to really like one another or enjoy each others company

Mumof3confused · 15/11/2023 08:47

Put it all in the freezer. Next time there’s a BBQ suggest they all pay you for the food you bought last time, defrost it and bring it to the party.