Catered for 8 and no one showed up

[TheFailedCaterer]

I was in tears all of last night and I know shit happens but I’m so so annoyed.

Solid group of 6. 2 have partners, 4 singles, none of us have kids. For the past few weeks everyone has been seriously discussing meeting up as it’s the 5 year mark of us graduating Uni and going out into the working world.

We decided on yesterday. I and another woman initially wanted to go to a pub/restaurant but some others suggested that we’d do a BBQ instead. My house was the most “centrally” located for everyone so we decided that I’d host it.

Yesterday morning one of the group said in the group chat that she was tired so she and her boyfriend would be cancelling. 2 more cancelled, one due to it being a long week at work and one due to her niece being sick.

Someone then said that now that there’s 3 of us left should we take a rain check! The other one agreed so the whole event is now postponed to who knows when! I wouldn’t have minded but I bought so much food. They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) and it included things like a whole sushi platter that can’t be bloody kept and brisket/seafood that are fresh and I’ll never finish on my own.

AIBU to be completely pissed off? We all get tired but it feels so selfish to me to cancel at the last minute like this.

It’s a well written message, but I think it’ll just make things awkward.

Just learn from this not to pay upfront for this group of friends. Do not put yourself out unnecessarily or expect them to either. Take them as you find them and enjoy the friendship for what it is.

How disappointing.

But those food choices were always a little risky! If you or anyone else on this thread is tempted to dip their toe into hosting a similar gathering then ‘wet’ food is the way to go. A big chilli or a couple of curries could easily be portioned up and sitting in your freezer or made available for others to collect. Then there wouldn’t be half the annoyance.

Sorry guys I can't eat all that food I'm happy for you to come and collect some but I do need you all to help by paying your share I wouldn't spend that much on food in a month

Yes. I commute 4 hrs a day...out house up to 12 hours, however, i have never cancelled a dinner invitation anyone has organised. Especially last minute. Its rude, inconsiderate, selfish. I wouldnt be happy if i was hosting and everyone cancelled after id forked out. Id have asked for the price of the sushi or perishables (as cannot be saved) the meat i would freeze if possible...if it cant id ask for money back for all perishables. If they didnt, id look for new friends

@Ncforrrthis

But this idea that if you go salsa dancing or join a book club and are friendly and open and real, true friends who will never let you down will magically appear is wrong

You're arguing against a point that you've made up. Nobody has said this. I expect that we all agree that making friends is hard and time consuming. My point is that it's worth the effort. But if you think advising people to settle for unhappy friendships with people who take advantage of their kindness is a good idea, that's your prerogative. I disagree. I'd rather be short of friends for a bit than spend time with people like OP's 'friends'. Over the long term, I've ended up with a respectful social circle, so, it worked for me, but that's just me.

I know you said they told you to freeze the food but tell them that doesn't work for you as there is only you and you would have to eat the same thing for weeks. Tell them what each of them owes you and send your bank details. Tell them they are welcome to come round to collect some of the food for their own freezers.
You could also add it that it isn't fair for you to be left with the cost is it?
Hopefully forces them to face up to how out of order they are being

Really rude of them knowing you'd have bought food. I wouldn't be asking for payment but would certainly let them know of my disappointment and about all the wasted food.

That isn’t quite what I mean @Watchkeys . I think if there’s a long history of mean or cruel or really thoughtless behaviour over a period of time that’s one thing, but equally I do think people will sometimes be a bit shit and while being frustrated and annoyed with this is a given it’s also likely to be lonely if we don’t accept that sometimes it will happen. Hopefully that clarifies what I mean.

(sadly) am agreeing with your points @Ncforrrthis

I have to say that I am a flaky person and love it when plans are cancelled, but absolutely no way would I ever have done this at the last minute like that, when I knew you'd already bought food, unless I had an EXTREMELY good reason, and even with an extremely good reason I'd be massively massively apologetic.

Get new friends.

@Ncforrrthis

it’s also likely to be lonely if we don’t accept that sometimes it will happen

We disagree. Hopefully that clarifies what I mean.

OP, your friends seem to have been shitty in not showing up, and are being shitty in respecting your position due to the fact that they didn't show up.

If they can't step up and be fair, they're probably not good friends. They are having multiple chances here to display that they care for and respect you. Obviously if someone who is usually reliable makes an error and lets you down, that's one thing, and we can't go dumping friends willy nilly for minor misdemeanors. But if they don't have any regard for your position here, when they have chances to apologise, to acknowledge, to sympathise, to recompense, to take on rescheduling at their own expense, etc, they are really showing their colours. And you don't like those colours, otherwise you'd be feeling fine about it all.

You don't have to stick with these friends through fear of loneliness. Being on your own is better than being disrespected anyway, but making new friends who fit the bill will leave you happier in the long run.

My advice would be to use the food best you can and take away the message you need to stick to your guns next time and insist on meal out - and use this as an example of why.

When it happened to DH with house warming - he shrugged and kept it to things previously done - drink in lunch/after work occasional meal out. I was brought up to distance yourself but I think long term that doesn't work well for me - DH has more acquaintances and causal friends than I do - he'll meet up with them when convenient and pass when it's not - takes it bit less personally - he been in places tried to meet up with old acquaintance been let down shrugged and gone and had a good time anyway but then he happier doing things by himself than I am (though going round museums/historical sites by myself is looking increasingly attractive)

I'm not saying friend here haven't behaved badly - but I'd meet up and have fun when convenient and have no issue turning done in future if not - ie put them in fun acquaintance category and plan accordingly.

If the non-perishable food is not something you’d usually buy, and/or has added extra money to your food costs, then definitely make them pay for it as well!

They really should have made more effort and been more apologetic. And the 3 that still could definitely make it should have come! Bloody awful!

I totally get your response. I would feel exactly the same and it doesn’t take much to just do what you say you will.

min very very often disappointed with groups of women who let me down and I’ve got a friend and my friends always sends me in capitals letters too

’YOUR FIRST MISTAKE WAS THINKING THEY ACR LIKE YOU!! ‘ and she’s 100% right and it never fails to make me laugh. She’s a lovely lady.

I get that totally and I really do understand. Doesn’t sound like we’re in the same country otherwise I’d of said let’s meet up! Lols xx

This.
Surely you said something like "well we can't postpone because I've just spent X amount on the food and drinks!!"

@Watchkeys the OP is obviously free to ignore either of us! But I do know myself it’s easy to get caught up in a wave of self righteousness. When poster after poster says they aren’t really your friends and find some better ones - you do it but then cut yourself off and adrift.

I have a number of friends and quite honestly they are all flawed in some way. Some have a tendency to boast and be a bit competitive, some are flaky, some are a bit dominating, one in particular has a tendency to ask me questions as if I’m being cross examined at the old Bailey which I find a bit tedious. If I just describe them like that then I’m better without them - except I’m not because we do all actually have a really good laugh together and support one another. They aren’t perfect though and only the OP will know if her life is better or worse for these people. I just stepped in because I actually don’t think it means they aren’t her friends. Their actions are about them, not her.

So rude.

OP would have spent time thinking about what to buy, going out/ordering the food, cleaning the house as we all do when we have people round. To say they are tired is a crap excuse. We are all tired. For others to pull out after is awful.

I would not host again and let them know face to face exactly how much effort you went to and how pissed off you are.

Ridiculous excuses! The worst one being that their NIECE was sick! I can understand if it was their own child, but that's as bad as "my dad's friend's brother's girlfriend had an emergency!"

Absolutely do this and don’t host again. Flaky friends are the worst.

Their actions are about them, not her

Yes, but her response (posting on a forum for validation that he feelings are ok, having attempted without success to solve the problem via communicating with the friends) is about her. She doesn't have to stick with friends who make her feel this way.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't settle for a friendship group with the list of failures you listed, @Ncforrrthis , and nor would I settle for friends who feel the way that you do about me. In my social circle, if someone is upset, they say so, and then efforts are made to smooth things out, via understanding each other.

Maybe it took me a lot longer to set up my social circle than you? Maybe you like yours and I like mine, and they're different? My point is that it isn't wrong to tell OP not to settle, and it's up to her, rather than anybody else, to choose her own boundaries for what's acceptable.

@Watchkeys You are here! I haven't seen you for ages.

this! They need to pay!

@Ncforrrthis Don't get your reasoning, you think you were in the wrong and were lonely because of your own actions? They were arses!

I wouldn't be friends with them anymore after all this.