Catered for 8 and no one showed up

[TheFailedCaterer]

I was in tears all of last night and I know shit happens but I’m so so annoyed.

Solid group of 6. 2 have partners, 4 singles, none of us have kids. For the past few weeks everyone has been seriously discussing meeting up as it’s the 5 year mark of us graduating Uni and going out into the working world.

We decided on yesterday. I and another woman initially wanted to go to a pub/restaurant but some others suggested that we’d do a BBQ instead. My house was the most “centrally” located for everyone so we decided that I’d host it.

Yesterday morning one of the group said in the group chat that she was tired so she and her boyfriend would be cancelling. 2 more cancelled, one due to it being a long week at work and one due to her niece being sick.

Someone then said that now that there’s 3 of us left should we take a rain check! The other one agreed so the whole event is now postponed to who knows when! I wouldn’t have minded but I bought so much food. They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) and it included things like a whole sushi platter that can’t be bloody kept and brisket/seafood that are fresh and I’ll never finish on my own.

AIBU to be completely pissed off? We all get tired but it feels so selfish to me to cancel at the last minute like this.

Bin the lot of them. They won’t be your friends in the future so just cut out the canker now.

What would particularly anger me is the way that they were so keen to choose the food, being sent pictures of it etc. What they did was nasty.

Yeah these are all crap excuses. If you’re all 5 years out of uni, you are all fairly young. Being tired is feeble and niece is poorly, is also a bit strange, does the niece not have parents?

Think you’re more than entitled to be pissed off.

Please don't do that. Just rise above it.

Their NIECE was ill? Jesus, that’s a pathetic excuse

I would be so pissed off too. Sorry this happened. Hope you're okay x

How absolutely rude and inconsiderate of them. I have given up hosting because of how flaky people have got post pandemic.

Honestly I hate it but I think the same. This is the norm for people, especially these days. It’s easy to block but the next group will probably be the same too. I can count on one hand the number of people I know who aren’t at least a bit flaky or inconsiderate when it comes to time/punctuality/showing up.

Made plans to drive down to Canberra for someone’s wedding a couple of months ago with a completely different group I met in a completely different setting and had 2/4 of the party drop out at the just hours before the drive. It’s just how it is sadly.

Personally I wouldn’t get into cost recovery but I would send the following message.

I just wanted to share with you what the last minute cancellation has meant for me. I spent days preparing and spent X to arrange yesterday. My house was suggested as the location and as we are such good friends, I was happy to host.

However I need you all to know how hurt I am at the overall disregard for my time and effort and the lack of care for how I might feel sitting alone in a prepared house full of food for a crowd.

I can only say how hurt I am.

xx

YANBU, I'm sorry but despite all this 'turning down invitations can be self care' narrative, that's if you maybe are having serious issues not because 'it's been a long week' or you're 'tired'. Everyone's tired, especially people who are hosting a bunch of others and those excuses, other than the person who was ill are basically 'I can't be bothered and I haven't thought for one moment about the effort the host has gone to'

Not saying I’m all kumbaya with them now but sometimes it feels like this is what’s “normal” and expected now with any social events.

Is it an Australian thing?

Second post in as many days about stupid, flaky "friends".

The excuse about the niece being ill is pathetic, unless she is in ICU.

I would have said ‘I have spent loads on food and drink for you all! Bit rude to all pull out!’

This is a good message. Don't let them get away with not paying their share. This is such a shitty thing to do and shows how none of them have basic decency. Not one of them felt bad to do this. Find better friends op.

They're suggestions, not scripts.

sat back feeling righted and waited for my new ‘real’ friends to come

Waiting for life to come to you was your mistake, rather than pushing away people who didn't quite fit the bill, friendship-wise, for you. That was the right thing to do. You created space for the new people, and then failed to fill it. That's not 'living with the consequences' of dropping poor friends, it's failing to take responsibility for creating a social life for yourself that meets your needs.

It's really hard to find better friends though. Everybody seems to cancel thoughtlessly these days. In my experience.

Crimpolene's message is good, I agree.

Well it is shit and extremely inconsiderate. I do think that you shouldn't ditch the group, just don't ever put yourself out like that again. You don't have to make a big deal, just say 'not up for hosting, let's stick with a restaurant'.

it feels like this is what’s “normal” and expected now with any social events

And yet, somehow, @TheFailedCaterer , it happened to you, rather than any of the other members of the same group. Why is it expected of you, but not them? Is that 'just the way the cookie crumbles', or could you be more responsible for your own position, rather than opting for 'victim' stance? You chose to pay, without any agreement of the split of the cost.

Yep

Yes, it can be hard. Life is, sometimes. We all have a choice. Settle, or don't. Not settling is usually harder, but if you choose to settle, and you're settling for something you don't like, that's on you, not 'one of the woes of life'.

Exactly!

Its fair enough if they had an actual excuse but to admit they just can’t be bothered because they’re tired is such an insult.

All they had to do was sit there and chat and eat.
They had none of the shopping, preparing, cooking, cleaning etc that OP has had and would have had.

Id be honest. Id say"Im not hosting again, Its a restaurant or someone else's place after last times debacle".

@Watchkeys - I obviously didn’t go into the precise details of how I tried to make friends! But this idea that if you go salsa dancing or join a book club and are friendly and open and real, true friends who will never let you down will magically appear is wrong.

People can be amazing and they can also be shit. It really is as simple as that. And I do think MN can be very pushy about ‘block bee’ ‘why are you with him’ ‘your mum adds nothing to your life’ when they aren’t the ones reaping the consequences of those actions.

I was right to be hurt and angry but blocking and cutting off contact only hurt me in the long run.

Yeah in this instance I'd be asking for the money. Fair enough if it was buy pizzas on the night but they know what you bought. Can't believe they didn't offer to pay upon cancelling to be honest.