Catered for 8 and no one showed up

[TheFailedCaterer]

I was in tears all of last night and I know shit happens but I’m so so annoyed.

Solid group of 6. 2 have partners, 4 singles, none of us have kids. For the past few weeks everyone has been seriously discussing meeting up as it’s the 5 year mark of us graduating Uni and going out into the working world.

We decided on yesterday. I and another woman initially wanted to go to a pub/restaurant but some others suggested that we’d do a BBQ instead. My house was the most “centrally” located for everyone so we decided that I’d host it.

Yesterday morning one of the group said in the group chat that she was tired so she and her boyfriend would be cancelling. 2 more cancelled, one due to it being a long week at work and one due to her niece being sick.

Someone then said that now that there’s 3 of us left should we take a rain check! The other one agreed so the whole event is now postponed to who knows when! I wouldn’t have minded but I bought so much food. They picked out the food (was taking pics and sending it on the group chat while they chose which ones they wanted) and it included things like a whole sushi platter that can’t be bloody kept and brisket/seafood that are fresh and I’ll never finish on my own.

AIBU to be completely pissed off? We all get tired but it feels so selfish to me to cancel at the last minute like this.

You eat out every night?

At first I went the “we’re just gonna eat and chill” route and then after it became more definite about how they’re really not coming because “work wiped me out” and “I need some downtime to recharge” and “niece is really sick what do you want me to do” I flat out asked “what do you want me to do about all the food then?” and then that’s when the freezer etc suggestions came where 2 offered to split the sushi cost and the rest went radio silent.

OP, when somebody took it upon themselves to cancel, why on earth didn't you say something then? That was the time to tell them how much you had spent. When you were buying to order, was it understood that they would be splitting the cost or did they all assume you were treating them? If it hadn't been agreed in advance that costs would be split, I don't think you can really ask for money now. I agree with a PP who said to tell them exactly what you have spent (because you bought what they asked for) but don't ask them for money. If anyone is half decent, they'll offer. If they don't, then you know they're worth nothing as friends. There are lots of awful people in the world and you seem to know a fair few of them. Leaving behind people like this is incredibly freeing, believe me. Don't clutter up your life.

It’s not unusual here I think. Dinner goes for $10-$20 and most colleagues are single/childless so we usually go to a nearby foodcourt or açai bowl place or something for a quick meal.

OP, it’s a shit trick and you are totally not unreasonable to be annoyed.

But I’m just going to share my own story here. I had a not dissimilar thing once for my birthday. I’d booked afternoon tea. The place I’d chosen had payment dependent on how many people showed up so I paid for twelve, the day before my birthday excuses started rolling in and by the day I was left with three

I was so hurt (and embarrassed!) and I posted here. This is some 10 years ago and it was on the old chat so the thread has gone but I had replies about billing my friends then blocking them and I did. Not the bill but I did a big Facebook cull (childish but you know …) and sat back feeling righted and waited for my new ‘real’ friends to come.

They didn’t. It’s taken me a long time to realise but people are notoriously shit with stuff like that. I never book or pay for anything reliant on numbers now because I know what people are like and a lot of the time - yeah, it’s really rude and it’s wrong but people are lazy and thoughtless rather than horrible or bad friends.

I spent my 30s very lonely as I’d pushed people away, some of whom I’d known since university. I’ve come to realise friends are a bit superficial in most cases and they are great to spend time with but they aren’t ever going to be perfect so to speak.

I’m not saying you personally would block and hill but that’s the consensus on here and sometimes MN does get carried away as they aren’t the ones who have to live with the consequences of the actions.

Freeze what you can.
Ask the group to re-schedule the event at someone else's house in a week or two - one of the people who cancelled with a poor excuse - so you can all eat the food from your freezer, which the new host can prepare.

Totally rude and unacceptable.
I have flakey friends who have form for cancelling stuff but never on the day once I’ve bought the food!

'Hi friends, I bought food for the gathering, so please reimburse $x per person to x bank account. The food will be wasted, as I can't eat that much sushi, and don't have room in my fridge freezer for the rest. If you'd like to collect your share instead of paying for it, let me know and we can arrange a time. I suggest that in future, we all make our food contributions before the food is bought, so that nobody is in this uncomfortable position, should we have no-shows.'

Then, consider dumping these friends and finding some nice ones.

YANBU but this is strange wording: “everyone has been seriously discussing meeting up”

Was the event definitely confirmed, and they all knew food had been bought? There wasn’t any inconsistent wording in the invitation/confusion around plans?

so suck it up, freeze what u can, eat what u can and give away the rest of u can.
then get these assholes out your life. you don't need selfish greedy people like that. and don't go to the next meeting, CF's.!

The other thing common on these threads is you get people posting what you should say, the exact wording.

The OP is not an actress in a play needing a script. IMHO no one should have others speak ‘for’ then, even if well intentioned.

Honestly, some people are so goddamn selfish these days, I'd feel like billing them for the wasted food!

Would most of it go in freezer? If not, make most of it yourself if you can or donate to a food bank if you're able to.

This is why I no longer plan group stuff. You either get let down by entitled people or not able to book anything at all with a group cos people can't get back to you in time. One on one or groups of 3 better.

In future, let one of their houses be the central one!

Hey guys
Really a shame that everyone decided to postpone our get together last minute.
I'm stuck with all this fresh food which cost me xzillion pounds not to mention the mammoth waste of my time shopping for all your favourite food choices.
Please pop round to collect your share of this rapidly decomposing food and send me yzillion pence to cover your share of the cost.
Lots of love you disrespectful fuckers
xx
Ps I'm never hosting again and am going to seriously reconsider whether I ever see you all again

This. Completely

Absolutely this. Are they completely thick? It’s obvious you’ll have spent money on the food.

Definetly split the cost and suggest they can come round and pick up their share.. except for the sushi which needed to be given away / eaten.

Heh Guys.. I don't really want to be left with the cost of beef brisket and sea bass that I would never buy on my own.. it cost $250 in total.. that's $30 each please. You are welcome to come and take share from the freezer. I was happy to host.. and I understand why everyone dropped out but I don't want to be left with the cost as well!

10000% this.

This is people for you.

This.
I'm sorry they are so rude and disrespectful

They know, that’s why some offered to cover for the sushi which was the only strictly perishable food there. The logic for the rest of the food is that it can be kept in the freezer for me to eat some other time so they feel cancelling “wasn’t that bad” cause the food wasn’t “wasted”.

I would be absolutely livid and be asking them to split the food bill and come and collect whatever they want!

How awful! Sure the freezer food isn't wasted, but your freezer is now full of food you can't eat as the other supposedly have a share on it (only if they pay of course!)

“Tired”??!

As piss poor excuses go, that’s about the worst I’ve heard.

Too tired to go to someone’s house and eat food.

It basically means “can’t be arsed”.

That happened to me once with a book club, spent much less than you , but had got the house tidy. Like you it was can’t be bothered, not real reasons. Only one friend was on holiday and she had told me ahead of time. She was appalled and we both dumped the rest. We are still close friends and I know she can be relied on, we later formed another book club and luckily the members have basic good manners.
When the first said she couldn’t be bothered you should have stood up to her, reminded her that you had spent a lot of money. She might have made an effort ? You really don’t need friends like this, you should tell them. I did and no regrets.

I'd tell them you want the full cost splitting 8 ways and they're welcome to come and pick something up to the value of their share. Make it clear that you wouldn't usually buy that food and you're not happy to pay for it.

Yeah but it's not about the food being 'wasted', it's food that was only bought because others wanted it. I mean, I love a brisket but it's hardly something a single person would buy just to have, see also a sushi platter.

Anything you genuinely can use and would LIKE to use, then fine, take that on the chin. The rest gets split six ways with a fairly stern message.

You know all that's going to happen is you're going to bin that giant brisket in six months time, because you're sick of looking at it and are never going to cook it...