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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask social services to take my child?

166 replies

Outandabout43 · 13/11/2023 04:20

I've reached breaking point.

DH and I are in the process of buying a shared ownership, have the deposit by yhe skin of our teeth. Pretty much been sold a lie, house has been pushed back and pushed back.

LL gave us notice in our old house 3 months ago, Father said we could live there, appreciated the offer but knew it wouldn't work. Cut a long story short, had nowhere else to go and had to stay there. Was supposed to be 3 weeks, we are now on week 13.

Father is and always has been a bully. Used to physically and emotionally ebuse my mum and ruled the house with threats and violence, I grew up woth significant mental health problems and left the house as soon as I could after DM passed away.

I could probably cope living at father's just me and DH but we have a 3 year old. Father and DC do not get on, he will constantly try to tickle her or call her jocky names when she is trying to play and now she doesn't want to speak to him, I've tried telling her to be kind but quite honestly I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to him. Now he keeps threatening to smack (has never touched her) her and keeps telling her she is naughty, every day he shouts at me and tells me it's my fault she is like she is. I've told him not to do this, but he has told me I know where the door is. Now it's like he purposely goes out his way to wind her up so he can shout at her and me.

I'm at the point I'm in tears every day and even I'm telling DD off constantly when to me it's not deserved. I need to safe guard my child and not have her constantly threatened and shouted at but we have no where else to go, air B&B is to expensive, have no other family and if we private rent and house completes then we have to properties to pay for, can't pull out of house because we are then liable for 10% as already exchanged. I've called the council saying we are homeless and they have said there is nothing we can do as we have exchanged on property and have savings (deposite)

I'm currently sat with DD in the car after she was crying because she couldn't sleep and dad came in screaming at us both that he has to get up for work.

AIBU to call SS and ask them to take her because right now I can't see any other option.

OP posts:
crazyivy · 13/11/2023 04:26

no, dont do that, just go back to your Dads once he has gone to work and get some sleep

How long until you are in your own home? If it is going to be a while, you need to rent a room, or anything, temporary to move out and be in your own space

PossumintheHouse · 13/11/2023 04:27

I’m sorry… what?! You want to ask social services to take your child? You want to voluntarily involve social services within your life? Air b&b is too expensive, you’d rather put up with living with your long-term abusive father to save some pennies towards the house you haven’t secured yet? Re-read your post. And then read it five times again.

Original poster
Outandabout43 · 13/11/2023 04:27

They can't give me any date could be end of November, could be January, could be April. This is the difficulty we are having. I've looked into renting a room but no one accepts children, just single adults.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 13/11/2023 04:28

You know giving up your child is not an option.
buying a home is not as important as keeping your daughter away from an abusive man. Find a new place to rent and move out.

GoingOffOnATangent · 13/11/2023 04:29

My heart goes out to you.
As bad as this is, from your DD pov I'm not sure leaving you to go to strangers would be less traumatic.
In she appropriate language, Tell her you know grandad is not a nice person, that you will protect her all you can and it's not her fault. Tell her the situation is not forever and you are doing all you can to end it as soon as possible, tell her you are working on a safe home together.
I genuinely think that at all ages we can handle everything better if we are dealing with the truth.
Right now, your family is in a really hard situation. Your DD needs to know you see the problem and are doing all you can, that you won't leave her and the problem is him. She also needs to know better is coming. If she's got that she will come through this in the best possible shape.
But yes, it's not good, your father it's clearly a very difficult man.
When will the house complete?

ILJ28 · 13/11/2023 04:30

It sounds like a horrible situation. However, asking SS to step in is the nuclear option and likely to cause significant long term harm to you daughter. Can you sign up to a private rental for 12 months and then if your house does complete before that time, you can rent that out so you wouldn’t have two properties to pay for?

Original poster
Outandabout43 · 13/11/2023 04:30

PossumintheHouse · 13/11/2023 04:27

I’m sorry… what?! You want to ask social services to take your child? You want to voluntarily involve social services within your life? Air b&b is too expensive, you’d rather put up with living with your long-term abusive father to save some pennies towards the house you haven’t secured yet? Re-read your post. And then read it five times again.

It's over £1000 a week for air b&b, where should I get that money from? Take it out the house deposite and then be liable for 10% of the house even though we only have 5% deposite anyway.

I'm literally on the verge of ending it all and you offer criticism and no actual advice. We have no spare cash at all, none. Not I would rather buy boxe things then get an air b&b

OP posts:
GoingOffOnATangent · 13/11/2023 04:35

Stay out of his way as much as you can.
You are doing well too be able to afford a shared ownership house, if you can only just afford this then if course you won't be able to afford overlap of purchase and rent... To go into rented could jeopardise your purchase by renewing it unaffordable and then your chance to have your own home is gone.
Stay out of his way as much as you can, do you have any friends you can escape to as much as possible?
A local library?
In my area there are still lots of 'warm hubs' open who often have toys etc where people can go and be in peace for free...

PossumintheHouse · 13/11/2023 04:35

Outandabout43 · 13/11/2023 04:30

It's over £1000 a week for air b&b, where should I get that money from? Take it out the house deposite and then be liable for 10% of the house even though we only have 5% deposite anyway.

I'm literally on the verge of ending it all and you offer criticism and no actual advice. We have no spare cash at all, none. Not I would rather buy boxe things then get an air b&b

Show quote history

OK, OP. I’ll not criticise your post any further. Ring social services tomorrow and tell them your child can’t live with you any longer because your father is abusive and he’s threatening to smack her. Tell them you want your daughter back in approximately two to five months.

HoppingPavlova · 13/11/2023 04:36

Take it out the house deposite and then be liable for 10% of the house even though we only have 5% deposite anyway

sorry to be obtuse, but if you need 10 and you only have 5, how is that working anyway?

HoppingPavlova · 13/11/2023 04:36

I’m not from the UK, probably why I don’t understand it?

Original poster
Outandabout43 · 13/11/2023 04:41

HoppingPavlova · 13/11/2023 04:36

Take it out the house deposite and then be liable for 10% of the house even though we only have 5% deposite anyway

sorry to be obtuse, but if you need 10 and you only have 5, how is that working anyway?

It's a clause in the contract, if you pull out in-between exchange and competition, you are liable for 10% of deposite despite how much you have offered to put down.

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 13/11/2023 04:43

Have you actually exchanged contracts without a completion date?

GoingOffOnATangent · 13/11/2023 04:44

Your DD loves you op. Don't send her away.
You can get through this. Does your DH have any support on his side friends or family?

Flubadubba · 13/11/2023 04:46

FiveShelties · 13/11/2023 04:43

Have you actually exchanged contracts without a completion date?

Sounds like new build. Completion changes a lot with those, agreed to

FiveShelties · 13/11/2023 04:52

@Flubadubba yes I agree. I have bought four newbuilds in the UK but never had one with a completion date which could be pushed back 6 months. I think the last one was that it could vary by up to one calendar month and I thought that was bad enough.

Original poster
Outandabout43 · 13/11/2023 04:55

She's in the back of the car chatting away to me so don't think she is too traumatised. Since we are now both wide awake we've decided to get a mcdonalds breakfast and then think about my next step.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 13/11/2023 04:57

Every week is one week closer to getting your own place.
Well done you.
Your father is a tyrant. You will not change him but you will be free of him soon.
Find public areas to escape to during the day - like the library.
Go to the park every day too and get your child into a positive routine so that her time with Grandfather is not a large part of her day.

Find a large vibrant church (not a sect just a run of the mill Christian church) and go with your child and enjoy the singing and music, kids activities and friendship. This is free.
You will suvive and you will prosper.

Kedece2410 · 13/11/2023 04:57

And how do you think your 3 year old will cope with being put in foster care & not seeing you.

What would your long term plan be?? SS aren't a babysitting service that you can hand your child over to, pop over & visit when you fancy & then once your house is ready expect them to return her.

Once she's in the system it may be incredibly difficult to get back out it.

Al991 · 13/11/2023 04:59

OP has exchanged, she can’t just pull out of the house and rent.

I am really sorry this has happened OP. Don’t ring social services, you’ll likely regret it. Is it a new build? Have you exchanged on notice?

Dolphinnoises · 13/11/2023 04:59

I think it might be worth talking it through with Shelter. There may be B&B accommodation short-term for example. Also some Premier Inn type places can be pretty cheap - what does that look like?

FourCandlesNotForkHandles · 13/11/2023 04:59

In your first paragraph you said
DH and I are buying a house

So is DH also living with you now. Where is he?

AngelAurora · 13/11/2023 05:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ILJ28 · 13/11/2023 05:01

I didn’t suggest pulling out, I suggested renting until the house completes and if that’s less than a standard 12 month tenancy she could rent the new place? If she hasn’t yet completed, she won’t be paying a mortgage?