To ask social services to take my child?

[Outandabout43]

I've reached breaking point.

DH and I are in the process of buying a shared ownership, have the deposit by yhe skin of our teeth. Pretty much been sold a lie, house has been pushed back and pushed back.

LL gave us notice in our old house 3 months ago, Father said we could live there, appreciated the offer but knew it wouldn't work. Cut a long story short, had nowhere else to go and had to stay there. Was supposed to be 3 weeks, we are now on week 13.

Father is and always has been a bully. Used to physically and emotionally ebuse my mum and ruled the house with threats and violence, I grew up woth significant mental health problems and left the house as soon as I could after DM passed away.

I could probably cope living at father's just me and DH but we have a 3 year old. Father and DC do not get on, he will constantly try to tickle her or call her jocky names when she is trying to play and now she doesn't want to speak to him, I've tried telling her to be kind but quite honestly I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to him. Now he keeps threatening to smack (has never touched her) her and keeps telling her she is naughty, every day he shouts at me and tells me it's my fault she is like she is. I've told him not to do this, but he has told me I know where the door is. Now it's like he purposely goes out his way to wind her up so he can shout at her and me.

I'm at the point I'm in tears every day and even I'm telling DD off constantly when to me it's not deserved. I need to safe guard my child and not have her constantly threatened and shouted at but we have no where else to go, air B&B is to expensive, have no other family and if we private rent and house completes then we have to properties to pay for, can't pull out of house because we are then liable for 10% as already exchanged. I've called the council saying we are homeless and they have said there is nothing we can do as we have exchanged on property and have savings (deposite)

I'm currently sat with DD in the car after she was crying because she couldn't sleep and dad came in screaming at us both that he has to get up for work.

AIBU to call SS and ask them to take her because right now I can't see any other option.

You've got to push for a moving in date, is the property still under construction?

you’ve some really sound advise on here OP. Church’s yea turn up and ask, also often local council run stay and play sessions too - I used these - really supportive usually x

Inside the property is actually all complete, only thing left to do is connect the gas whish is supposed to be done this week, then garden, drive, pavements and tarmac road. Sounds like not much but every now and again more things are added and excuses made.

I was reading a very old thread because I was on the verge of calling the HV and giving my DS over to his dad but then someone said that this is where children learn a lot about how to act going through a rough time. So I think even though it’s tough this is a very big learning opportunity for her.

She can see how you, and your DH deal with stress, conflict and uncertainty. Also, maybe unfortunately how you deal with family stress on your side so please be strong and use all your strength to hold on. She’s watching and learning so much from this about appropriates behaviours💕 Be strong and then you can drink wine and cry after bedtime for days and days once you’ve made it through this awful awful time

I have been in your situation. But never considered removing my child. I was suicidal instead.

Ideas for you:

• Get out the house 8.30am - 5pm. As long as you can. Library, clubs, hombase to choose colours watches, playdates. Fill your days and weeks with preplanned constructed activities for you and child.
• set a routine for home that keeps you busy and keeps child busy. This could be as simple as setting the table, storytime at 6pm.
• lastly see a gp for further support and you could ask ss for safeguarding support? Wouldn't hurt.

Good luck. You'll get your confidance back abdcself esteme xxxxxxxx

Where’s your new house? Is it nearby? Ask the workmen when they think it will be finished, and ask the company too. Tell them you understand it’s an estimate not a definite date. That will give you an idea. You can also get a rough idea just by looking yourself.

If it’s almost finished, ie a few weeks, then suck it up at your father’s and count down the days. Put your DD in nursery or childcare and get out of the house yourself too. If it’s going to be a while until the house is finished, then I’d look at renting. Near me, there are chalets and mobile homes that you can rent out per week over the Winter. You might also find a B&B that will give you a reasonable rate. If you can find anything like that, book a regular once or twice weekly hotel stay. This will give you a break and make things more bearable.

@Outandabout43 that's shit! Poor you being so helpless.

I know it's easy to say, but take one day at a time, take time out of the house, go to the library and a cheap cafe.

Ring the housing association every single day!

I’m so sorry you are in this position. I’m thinking of you in the situation you are in right now and sending a lot of love.

From experience, I know how triggering an angry parent can be. I have also not protected my child once, when he was being screamed at in the face. I then worked to get my child to be nice to DD, to make them friends again. I regret that a lot. There is no way I could have lived there with DCs.

You are overwrought and emotional. I’m not sure why everyone is being so nasty. Social care won’t take your child, just because you ask. They won’t even take kids that have horrendous parents. So, either way, you wouldn’t be getting out of the situation any time soon.

Everyone is offering advice about being out of the house more. That sounds like a good plan. However, maybe you could think about being the adult you wanted in your life when you were little. Be that adult for your DC. Who knows, maybe that will help you to heal from some of this. Don’t negotiate with your DD; just tell him he’s wrong. Don’t ever tell your DC off for what he is annoyed at. Let her know that you think he is in the wrong. Grabbing a child to tickle them when they don’t want it is horrible behaviour. Tell him that.

He might get worse, which could be awful. However, your child will never be as traumatised by him as you were. Grandparents just don’t have that kind of power over them. Let her see you sticking up for her and she’ll be fine.

I really hope you get through this. It’s amazing that you nearly have your own home. Well done. In a few months time, this will all be a bad memory and you will be in it. Hang on to that thought.

It really is ridiculous how people are responding. Obviously she is having a really difficult moment😭. I understand her fully. I have had thoughts like this but would never actually go through with it. I remember times when I was actually planning on throwing myself down the stairs so I would get a break in hospital 😭

Hi OP

Huge hugs - I could have written your first desperate post about twenty years ago. I was in almost exactly the same position. Ignore all the arseholes - Threadreplier has given you calm and good advice.

People without the history of trauma don’t understand how we slip back into those roles when we return to an abusive home, even as an adult.

I held onto my DC and maxed out my credit cards staying in budget hotels as often as possible so we could spend time away from my abusive father.

Your DH has let you down massively by not supporting you better. As for your father, please consider going very low contact or NC once this is over. He will never be any different.

I know you're trying to protect her but handing her off could have worse and more lasting trauma. Who works in the house and is there so to get air bnb out of area?

Can you clarify please - in one of your posts you say you would be liable for 10% of the property because you already exchanged. In another post you say it would be 10% of the deposit ? Which is it ?

I think it's probably 10% of the deposit which seems like a relatively small price to pay considering how serious the situation is..

Contact your local domestic abuse charity for support- they may be no use what so ever but they might be might be some.
I'd say ring the Samaritains and let it all out, but I know exactly how impossible that can be when you've got a small child constantly at your side.
I'm sorry you are in such a horrible position OP, I hope in a few years time you will both be absolutely thriving and this he'll will be long behind you. Hang in there.

Social services won't just look after your child like that. There aren't enough Foster places for children in desperate need.

Op I feel your pain. I bought my shared ownership HA property 5 years ago and the delays were seemingly endless. Ignore the less helpful posts on here and focus on the good advice you've been given. Don't give up your new home. I'd be speaking to SS with a view to telling them of your concerns and saying your dad is a safeguarding risk. I'd also do as pp have said, speak to shelter, CAB, your gp, her childminder/nursery/HV/your local church etc and ask if they know of any solutions / and tell them why, don't be proud, because someone somewhere might just come up trumps.

Then make a plan to be out of the house as pp have said, as much as possible. Get on to the HA as well. Tell them your child is in danger and they need to come up with a solution (I was in a DA situation when I was buying so had to do similar). I'm sorry it's so tough op but take a deep breath and get through it all one day at a time.

@Outandabout43 the mistake you made was leaving your flat after the notice. You should have negotiated with your landlord to leave when you are ready. He would have had to evict you which would take Time and is expensive

This. Only go back to the house to sleep and eat.
I know it’s hard at this time of year as the weather’s not great for being outdoors, but just sit the car with an audiobook in at the McDonalds Drive-through or go to the local sports centre and read her a story in the waiting area / cafe if you need to.

Also, get up early (and get out of the house early if necessary) so that she will be tired and ready for bed earlier in the evening.

Just do everything you can to minimise contact between her and him.

You won’t be able to do it every day but every argument avoided helps, and this is only short term.

Can you call a domestic abuse charity and ask for advice? You and DD are being abused verbally and your DH is doing nothing about it. They might be able to make some kind of suggestion of what to for respite from the abuse.

OP, I would pull out of the house purchase, lose the 10% deposit and rent somewhere.

Because realistically, if your situation is so desperate that you can’t afford to rent then you can’t afford to own a house.

Because owning a house isn’t just about being able to afford the mortgage, it’s about the maintenance, that leaking tap, that dodgy light fitting, that bit of storm damage, and all those costs rack up, but all we see when buying is how lovely it is to own our own home. And it is. But never under estimate how much it will cost you.

Right now you’re in a situation which is detrimental to your DD. But tbh if you’re that badly off financially then owning your own home is unlikely to make things better, just different.

I would look to rent somewhere, improve your earning capability, and then look to the possibility of buying a house further down the track when house prices may have fallen further and mortgage costs will be lower.

Firstly, I would spend as little time in the actual house as possible.

Try and arrange play dates, get her to stay at nursery for longer, visit other family etc.

On the weekends I’d look at getting a cheap hotel.

You’ll only need to see your dad Mon-thurs evenings and even then you can spend a couple of hours downstairs with him whilst you eat dinner etc and then take DD upstairs for a bath and to watch a film before bed.

If you rarely see your dad then it’s going to make things a lot easier.

Does your DP not have any parents?
It would help even if you can alternate it.

The situation sounds awful but you have to remind yourself that he’s doing you a big favour by letting all 3 of you stay there for so long.

Hound for housing to be sorted every single day. Hound via phone, email, letter.
Could you have a night each week in a cheap hotel/b&b?
Get out the house as much as possible.
Have you looked at a temporary caravan as an option?

I would not pull out of the house sale.

Deciding to move in with your abusive father was a crazy decision but it's done now.
im glad you've moved on from that idea but I can tell you 100% social services wouldn't take your child into care. It's just not an option.

Do not contact social services but DO seek support from women’s aid now! They will help you.

Yup!