To ask social services to take my child?

[Outandabout43]

I've reached breaking point.

DH and I are in the process of buying a shared ownership, have the deposit by yhe skin of our teeth. Pretty much been sold a lie, house has been pushed back and pushed back.

LL gave us notice in our old house 3 months ago, Father said we could live there, appreciated the offer but knew it wouldn't work. Cut a long story short, had nowhere else to go and had to stay there. Was supposed to be 3 weeks, we are now on week 13.

Father is and always has been a bully. Used to physically and emotionally ebuse my mum and ruled the house with threats and violence, I grew up woth significant mental health problems and left the house as soon as I could after DM passed away.

I could probably cope living at father's just me and DH but we have a 3 year old. Father and DC do not get on, he will constantly try to tickle her or call her jocky names when she is trying to play and now she doesn't want to speak to him, I've tried telling her to be kind but quite honestly I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to him. Now he keeps threatening to smack (has never touched her) her and keeps telling her she is naughty, every day he shouts at me and tells me it's my fault she is like she is. I've told him not to do this, but he has told me I know where the door is. Now it's like he purposely goes out his way to wind her up so he can shout at her and me.

I'm at the point I'm in tears every day and even I'm telling DD off constantly when to me it's not deserved. I need to safe guard my child and not have her constantly threatened and shouted at but we have no where else to go, air B&B is to expensive, have no other family and if we private rent and house completes then we have to properties to pay for, can't pull out of house because we are then liable for 10% as already exchanged. I've called the council saying we are homeless and they have said there is nothing we can do as we have exchanged on property and have savings (deposite)

I'm currently sat with DD in the car after she was crying because she couldn't sleep and dad came in screaming at us both that he has to get up for work.

AIBU to call SS and ask them to take her because right now I can't see any other option.

Are you paying rent to your father? presumably you are not paying for the house you are buying yet so i don't understand why you can't rent somewhere (financially at any rate) - can you find out set an earliest date to completion so you can at least rent fro say 3 months

Your DP needs to step up though - he doesn't have the history with your father and should be able to stand up to him more

So which part is unbelievable then. An abusive father, my mum dying, trying to buy a home, a new build completion date being pushed back, the fact there is nowhere else for us to live or the fact my dad is just as abusive now as what I remember as a child??

How wonderful for you to have had the perfect upbringing and perfect life that your oblivious to the fact other people struggle

You’re a bit of an asshole, aren’t you?

Sounds like your dad works during the day if he was shouting about being up for work, can you switch around your hours and sleep when he's working, then be out when he's home as much as possible. Do you work? I'd ignore your partner when he moans about being left with your dad, he must understand why you want your dd away from him?

I would also be on to the HA/builder as much as possible, at least once a day. Make a nuisance (a polite one) of yourself.

Have you any other options, friends or family where you could stay even just for a day or two?

We are paying him rent yes, plus towards bills. We looked into renting and have spoke to local estate agents, minium rent contract is 6 months, half the issue is the HA won't give us a set time frame, they say to us maybe end of the month, maybe January, mortgage people have been told April and solicitors end of Jan. Therefore if we sign a contract to rent for 6 months and house is ready at end of this month we are stuck paying rent on rental, and Mortgage and rent on shared ownership for remainder of the 6 months, if that makes sense

WoW @Threadreplier, your wonderful reply to @Outandabout43 has brought tears to my eyes - which hardly ever happens these days as I ran out of them many years ago. I don't think that I have ever read a kinder and more empathetic response to any poster on here, whether it was to an OP or another PP to that OP.

I do hope that Dear Outandabout can take both comfort and support from your post Dear Threadreplier, and I just want to say that I agree with everything you have said - but which I could not have put anywhere near so eloquently - especially your last paragraph, and even more especially your last two sentences.

Please OP, if you can, print out @Threadreplier's last two sentences, and if possible laminate it - or frame it, and keep it with you wherever you live in the future. I am wishing you OP, your DD, and Threadreplier, that you all go forward in life surrounded by love, best wishes, and success in whatever your futures bring. 🩷🙏

I do work, 2 days a week. Luckily as we are staying ar fathers work is a 2 hour commute there and 2 hour commute back, so that gets us out the way.

I've opened up honestly to a friend this morning and she has kindly said I can go round there this evening.

What happens to DD when you work op? Childminder? Nursery? Can they help?

Haven't RTFT but seems like you have had some more helpful advice and support. I can hear you are at breaking point, this is probably triggering a lot of your childhood trauma too so that you are not thinking the way you might normally. Social care would not accommodate your child, just won't happen plus the trauma of that for your child would be significant. But do contact them and explain what is happening and they may be able to support, they may for example be able to advocate for you with the housing association.

Darling I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s for a short period of time - and I encourage you to find a way to disarm this abuser - you can laugh at him on behalf of your child as he is basically such a coward he picks on a 3yr old. Fight it fight his generational abuse. And be more demanding of your new home. Either way do not let this manchild abusive little piece of shit change the course of your life from
now, and no social svs is not the answer right now. So sorry you’re going through this. Keep going.

OP, on another tack can you talk with the solicitor handling your conveyancing? Have they really let you exchange on a contract with no completion date? Is there a ‘long stop’ date? Is the house not built? Explain your difficulties. Ask if you can issue a ‘notice to complete’.

Completion date was supposed to be 1st September, long stop is 1st March.

Will the HA not provide temporary homeless accommodation? As its a HA property you're moving into they'll be aware of the delays. I would go to local office and explain you've nowhere to go. Have exhausted all friends/family as an option and need help.

Also look into caravan parks as it’s out of season and they’re often really cheap to stay in.
Even just one weekend will help.

OP, is there anywhere near you that is holiday accom in the summer - caravan parks etc? Round here they often rent out as 'winter lets' out of the holiday season. If you're going to be out by March at the latest then that might be perfect for you.

I think you need to do all you can, to get away from your Dad. Don't lose the purchase, it's a hard thing to achieve and trying to start again will be should destroying.

I also think your DH needs to step up here. Where is he when his wife and child are being berated by an angry abusive man? And why is he moaning that you're 'leaving him with' your Dad, why the hell isn't he leaving with you rather than sitting around like a bloody potato while you're driven out of the house?!

I’ve not seen any!

I know lots of people who bought homes in similar circumstances and it was pushed back by months.
They all had to stay with family or were fortunate enough to be able to extend their rental home.

Many people also have crap parents.
I had to stay with my narcissistic mother when me and my DD were homeless.
I was thankful she let us stay there but it was absolute hell.

Be thankful that you have never been in a position like the OPs.

Can you contact women's aid? They have safe places for you and your daughter to stay.
I am so.sorry you are going through this. Please hold on to the fact this is temporary and you are doing all you can to keep your daughter safe.💐

I am honestly overwhelmed with the kindness.

I'm going to try what I can today to find alternate accommodation. I wish I would of stayed in the rental but we thought it may impact on the new house. Worst thing is the re tal is still standing empty.

I've actually loomed at caravan parks but when I go on the websites it doesn't have rental options, is there another way to do this??

Not defending DH but father will moan at him when he doesn't sit downstairs and watch TV with him, DH feels like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. I would tell him to grow a pair however really I should also grow a pair. Its mad, If anyone else treated me like dad does I would tell them where to go, I'm normally a confident person who speaks up for myself, however I won't with dad, I cower down and don't know why, then I feel ashamed of myself.

I think in the meantime when times get tough I'm going to open and reread this thread to see me through.

All emergency homeless accommodation is accessed through the council not directly through housing associations but the OP and her family aren't homeless, they won't qualify

A refuge?! That's for women in abusive relationships, are you proposing she goes into a refuge and leaves her non abusive husband with her father??

A refuge?! That's for women in abusive relationships, are you proposing she goes into a refuge and leaves her non abusive husband with her father??

Abuse is abuse! It applies whether it's from a partner or a parent! Astounding you don't realise that! And the protection of the child in these circumstances is always paramount! That said, refuges are hard to come by and the op probably wouldn't qualify (just a guess) but don't be so quick to dismiss this as abuse just because it's a parent!

I would speak to the council and see if there is anywhere to rent immediately but because you’re living with your dad, you won’t be classed as homeless.

I would also look into whether you can do some seasonal evening shifts and bring in some more money and find somewhere to rent in the meantime.

If this was a couple of weeks then it’s different but you need somewhere more permanent.
They’ve said March but it could be delayed yet again.

You could speak to your old LL and see if there’s anyway to go back there.
You could put your stuff in a storage locker if you haven’t already.

I'm not dismissing it. But refuges are for victims of intimate partner abuse and for people who need a safe anonymous place to escape to. That's absolutely not the OP's situation, and again, what's her husband supposed to do while she's living in a refuge (taking a place from a woman who actually needs it)?
the OP and her husband need to find accommodation elsewhere together

OP contact social services. They will not accommodate your daughter but what they may be able to do is provide support and signpost you to other sources of support regarding your situation. Shelter are also wonderful.

Good luck with everything 🌹

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog, to be able to make a decision one needs to have choices.

I don't think that the OP had/has any realistic choices, as moving in with her father for a short period of time, in order to provide a potentially, and hopefully, much better future for her DC, was the only solution open to her at that time.

If the OP was going to have to stay with him long-term, then yes, she would have probably had to give up on the idea of owning her own home. But in 6 months time she should be able to put all of this behind her, and it will then fade away as a horrible memory, but in retrospect she and her DC will hopefully be able to view this time as a steep - and very hard - learning curve, that has enabled both of them to realise that struggling through very difficult times can help us all to 'grow' (sorry, I hate that term, but I am struggling to come up with a more appropriate one at the moment), and realise that we are far stonger than we thought, and that perseverance can achieve many positive things, and at the very least, teach us or help us, to recognise the times when perseverance through difficult circumstances will be the best stance to take, or when it probably isn't worth the likely outcome.

None of us are born knowing how to only make positive decisions, how to make the best choices, in our lives. Most of us only learn these things through going through hard and/or difficult times ourselves. If we are lucky we won't have to spend a whole lifetime learning these lessons, unfortunately for me, I haven't been one of the lucky ones, but I sincerely hope (and believe) that the OP and her DC are.

I have not referred to the OP's husband/partner, as I have absolutely no idea what to say about him.