To ask social services to take my child?

[Outandabout43]

I've reached breaking point.

DH and I are in the process of buying a shared ownership, have the deposit by yhe skin of our teeth. Pretty much been sold a lie, house has been pushed back and pushed back.

LL gave us notice in our old house 3 months ago, Father said we could live there, appreciated the offer but knew it wouldn't work. Cut a long story short, had nowhere else to go and had to stay there. Was supposed to be 3 weeks, we are now on week 13.

Father is and always has been a bully. Used to physically and emotionally ebuse my mum and ruled the house with threats and violence, I grew up woth significant mental health problems and left the house as soon as I could after DM passed away.

I could probably cope living at father's just me and DH but we have a 3 year old. Father and DC do not get on, he will constantly try to tickle her or call her jocky names when she is trying to play and now she doesn't want to speak to him, I've tried telling her to be kind but quite honestly I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to him. Now he keeps threatening to smack (has never touched her) her and keeps telling her she is naughty, every day he shouts at me and tells me it's my fault she is like she is. I've told him not to do this, but he has told me I know where the door is. Now it's like he purposely goes out his way to wind her up so he can shout at her and me.

I'm at the point I'm in tears every day and even I'm telling DD off constantly when to me it's not deserved. I need to safe guard my child and not have her constantly threatened and shouted at but we have no where else to go, air B&B is to expensive, have no other family and if we private rent and house completes then we have to properties to pay for, can't pull out of house because we are then liable for 10% as already exchanged. I've called the council saying we are homeless and they have said there is nothing we can do as we have exchanged on property and have savings (deposite)

I'm currently sat with DD in the car after she was crying because she couldn't sleep and dad came in screaming at us both that he has to get up for work.

AIBU to call SS and ask them to take her because right now I can't see any other option.

Yes this . 👆

Does the contract have a long stop date ? A date that eventually releases you if the property is still not ready ?

You are tired and mentally stressed by the delays to the house and your vile bully of a father. As PPs have suggested, try to find as much free or cheap stuff to do outside the home. You will soon be free of him !

Long stop date of march.

*unloving

I really feel for you because you have done your best to do the right thing for your daughter, and cash flow issues and timing around buying a home can be brutal.

A few practical things: you must be saving quite a bit on rent right now. Can you go away for a couple of nights in an inexpensive hotel just to get a breather? How else could you use some of that money to make things easier?

I would also speak to the contractor and ask for a very honest move in date.

And like others have said, make a “home” for yourself in a local library so you spend as little time as possible at your dads place.

Where is your DH?

Honestly, looking for his backbone. I try to take DD out but then both DH moans as I've left him with father or father moans I'm not around enough.

I've took all DDs stuff into the bedroom to try and keep her away from him as much as possible but she will be playing nicely in the bedroom and he will come up and start winding her up.

I've calmed down a bit now. I think waking up at 3am to a child crying and a father screaming just pushed me over the edge slightly.

Hi there, I just wanted to give a slightly kinder response here, as a lot of these responses seem very black and white and don't reflect the really awful situation you are in.

First of all, I suspect that the long-term history you have with your father, may mean this is far more triggering and traumatising for you , than your child. I'm not sure how old your child is, but please have an honest conversation.

I would work out a schedule so that you are out the house as much as possible. Yes, I'd suggest confiding in a local church and see if there's anyone who will help and open up the church at additional times if needed. People can be very kind. If your dd is at school, I'd speak to them as maybe they could help with subsidised before and after school care or even offer ELSA (emotional) support to deal with feelings around her grandfather. Warm hubs also. Libraries etc.

Talk to your child and keep reminding her that it is short-term. Also, try phoning the developer (maybe through solicitor?) and explaining that you are practically homeless and can they give as much detail as possible about completion date to enable you to make a plan. Are there any penalties due or ways to pull-out if they don't meet their timings?

Maybe think about an annual pass somewhere local that is warm if dd isn't in school. It could work out cheaper than finding places daily.

Food-wise, try olio app.

With your father, if you think appropriate, explain that you know its difficult for him having you both in his space and show him your schedule of what you plan to do to give him his space. Acknowledge that the situation is not easy for him but that shouting at your dd is upsetting her.

If your child is below school age, you could perhaps then discuss with the health visitor who may know of local support networks to keep you out of the house. You could say so your father doesn't need his heating on and to give your father some space from you both.

But lastly, I want to just check you are okay. You are in a difficult situation and it's normal for anyone to be stressed and not thinking straight in this. Please look after yourself, see if you can get a break e.g. friend look after your dc? And involve your gp if you need to. This sounds like a temporary issue and do what you can to plan and count down to when times will be easier. To get a 5% deposit, you must have worked incredibly hard. And in the future, remember this time and all you did to keep you and your daughter safe and happy. Be proud of all you've achieved to provide a better future for you both.

Erm you do realise SS do not just automatically foster kids and would expect you to work on resolving things and putting in place a plan with your family. It must be very stressful but as others have said you need to discuss with your father.

I think threadreplier has some sound advice. It sounds like a really tough situation for you OP. I would basically be trying to get out of the house as much as possible, whether DH or DF like it or not. I hope you get your home soon.

So you have issues with your father now you are an adult how do you think your child will feel as an adult that you handed them over to SS so you could buy a house? Your not pregnant again are you?

The OP has admitted she has reached breaking point, I really don't see the need for posters to kick her down any lower than she already is.

It sounds as if you were trained to appease your father. Now you’re training your dd to appease him. You know how damaging this is. And you’re also trying to appease your dh at the expense of your dd. This is why you’re looking at terrible solutions.

You need to be your dd’s advocate. Whatever works best for her is what works. Being with her mummy is best. Being with a mummy, who is on her side and protects her is what she needs.

I get it’s hard to live with difficult parents. However, your 3 yo cannot change how she acts. The only person, who can change and the only behaviour you can control is yours. Your reaction to what he’s saying or doing. Telling him “sorry dad, I get it’s hard living with us on top of you”. Cuddling her and saying simple things to know she isn’t the issue “let’s go and do x, grandad is cross / needs some space”. Removing her from the situation. Doing what is best for her.

Hi Op,

If long stop date is March I think I would rent somewhere as it sounds like this can’t continue. Could you try and negotiate a tenancy with a break clause after 6 months. Like others have said you will be able to rent out your new home if needed. Possibly you could even push back the completion date yourself by a month or so by asking for things to be checked etc.

Where in the UK are you if you don’t mind sharing? People might be able to help find options.

Remember as hard as this is it is temporary. You will get through this x

I'm sorry OP, but children internalise trauma in all different ways.

Her 'chatting away' is no indication of how well she is faring.

I'd sleep in my car before living with an abusive man.

Thank-you so much

God some people are nasty. Yes, you're definitely being unreasonable to call social services OP, but from your follow ups I think you're already aware of that and it was said in a moment of panic. However, you're not at all unreasonable to acknowledge the current situation is damaging to both yourself and your daughter, and is untenable. It's obviously good to avoid spending money on rent when it's an option but I think you need to treat living with your dad as no longer an option. It's not doing you, your marriage and - most importantly - your daughter any favours and will drag you all down more quickly than you could realise. If your dad wasn't alive/couldn't host you, what would you be doing in terms of your living situation right now? Whatever it is, do that.

I think your exactly right. I've reverted back to this scared little girl. When I moved out and just come to visit I would just walk out and go back home when he started. Now I can't do that, I'm so afraid of him telling us we have to move out, and he knows it.

Hi OP. I agree with PP. people are so unkind on here it is mad. First thing is first you need to get some rest. No one is thinking clearly at god knows what time in the morning especially when they are under the stress you are under. I don’t for a minute think you are actually going to contact SS as you seem like someone who is just trying to do the best you can and I think SS probably isn’t that.

I have no practical advice really. I just wanted to offer some support. I also just wanted to mention that this isn’t exclusively your issue and I think a frank conversation with your DH is needed so you can come up with some sort of plan together is in order.

Fuck me this is some of the worst responses I've seen here to someone desperate!!

Yes this is bad but you've ended up here by trying to buy stability for your daughter that's not a bad mum.
Reach out for every bit of support you can manage!
Health visitor, local church or charity shop and yea maybe social services... just not with a view to them taking her but they usually know a good list of local support stuff they might be able to link you up with:

Good
Luck op I hope you get sorted. Also get on to your solicitor to push and push for the purchase tongo through

OP I am so sorry for the responses you are getting. Mumsnet has got worse amd worse lately. You sound totally desperate and exhausted and in those moments, no one feels.rational.
You're back living with your abusive father and it sounds like hell.

I would honestly consider speaking to women's aid and see if they can help temporarily.

Thank you everyone for the kind words.

The help to buy is actually through the local housing association. I'm going to call them today to see if they are able to house us temporarily until ours is ready. The only reason I wanted to buy a house is so DD has a stable home, we have previously been given notice on 2 rentals, I wad so fed up of having to move I took on loads of overtime to scrape together a deposit.

I never thought of the local church, do I just turn up?

Does your dd go to nursery? If not investigate that today.

You also need to talk to your husband. He needs to stop complaining about things that you have no control over.