To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

How is it traumatic for a child to go a live with his dad? Especially a dad that isn't absent from his life. We also don't know why step son suddenly lives with his dad full time. Maybe it wasn't a great home life at his mum's?

You do not want a child that ends up going to a different school and having to cope with making new friends, feeling isolated and lonely, perhaps being made fun of or bullied

I moved near the end of Year 8 (in my 20s now) and made loads of friends and did extremely well at school (state not private). OP's step son has barely started Year 8. This move to a local school may be better for him as he can make new friends and hang out with them more often as they live close by.

Years 8 and 9 can be quite challenging in secondary school too and I’d try and avoid these if possible.
I definitely wouldn’t move him half way through the year.

He's only been in Year 8 for a few weeks. It's not a challenging year. It's also not half way through the year. It wouldn't be good to move to a new school in Year 10 or 11. However, he's years away from starting GCSEs so this is the ideal time to move school.

@Morriet OP, this is the best time for your DP to move his step son to a closer school. He should also look at what the school fees actually are because maybe your DP is paying over half. He should be sending the money to the school, not his ex. She might be scamming him. She needs to pay maintenance to your DP because he has their son full time.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4774209-boyfriends-kid-wants-to-go-to-private-school

Is this also you OP?

Considering stepchild has 4 years to go and your dc is a baby, by the time ss finishes gcse yours will be coming up to start primary. Sc can go to state college and your dc will be able to go private either after a couple of years or right away. You signed up to a man who had an older child so you have to deal with financial support until they are 18. They were there first.

I am the ex wife in this situation. Not ops, my children live with me. My dc will leave their indie over my dead body despite exh and partner's protests.

If your SC is going to come out of the school it needs to happen now. Just starting year 8 means they’re in a better position to move- another year and they’ll be in GCSE prep territory.

It sounds to me as though SC mother is not easily finding her half of the fees. Do you think she will be able to cover them as SC gets older? Private school only gets more expensive the older the child gets. If shes struggling now she will struggle in 2 years.

Do you have a good enough relationship to have an honest conversation about this? Perhaps she’s panicking about covering her half in future and you can come together an agree a better plan?

Madness. Has your dh even been to look at local schools? Is he planning to cripple your family even further by putting your baby in private school when they're old enough too?

stepmother is now not spending money on the child’s daily expenses, food etc. She needs to send you that money and you use it for train fares.

The thing about 1.5 hours on the train is DC could just spend the time on homework. So it isn’t entirely wasted time.

Could they board? It may be expensive but would give some stability, they’d be with friends and have structure.
Year 8 going from private to the local comp sounds v stressful for them and I suspect they’d get a really hard time, they’d also be going into much bigger classes etc. Secondary school seems a tough time to pull it.
How was the mum managing before in a low paying job? Was there a bursary? Your dh may well have been picking up a larger portion than he knows.
Have you spoken to your stepchild about their feelings around the move to you and being away from their old life. I feel for them.

But presumably in your case, going private was a mutual decision, not one made unilaterally by just one partner as is the case here.

OP said this isn't an option.
That's all we need to know.

Maybe OP does, and has built an existing support network? But I forgot, it's AIBU and stepmothers are evil witches.

I assume its a day school and a not one with a flexi boarding option. Boarding would be cheaper than your transport costs.

Your husband is being a bit short sighted. Our children changed schools several times due to living abroad. They always adapted. It’s not the end of the world. Yes it might takes a few weeks but your SS will gain by having a much shorter commute and there will be more money for activities and family time. Plus your husband will be less stressed.

Kids change schools all the time for all sorts of reasons. GCSE courses should not start until year 10 - the gov actively discourages a year 9 start now as it’s so boring.

Find a good , preferably state, local school. Ask the school about how they can help the transition. Take SC around and explain the situation. Emphasise the positives- no travel, local friends. Be firm - they don’t have a choice but they do deserve an explanation.

Notice for Easter if possible. Summer term to settle in and they’ll return in year 9 as a ‘local’.

Your DH needs to be reasonable. It’s not going to be a happy home with this stress. Things have changed, you’ve welcomed in SC but no one can expect everything to remain the same.

To just comment on one bit - your wording isn't balanced.
If you considered it 'maintenance' when you were just paying half school fees, then the Dm is also paying 'maintenance' by paying half school fees.
It seems you were fine with the arrangement when she paid half school fees plus all living expenses, but aren't fine now it's reversed - but exactly the same.

I feel your pain; the situation doesn’t seen sustainable; but I don’t think I could move a child from school in year 8 if they are happy; just for sixth form.

They either have to go back and live with their mother or learn to travel alone pretty soon, maybe in year 9 no matter what the journey. Can you drop and pick up at a nearby train station to cut journey short; as a child they should pay half the rates; can the mother contribute to travel costs?

This is incredibly sad and your child will have to move to a local school. I hope you can make it as easy as possible for them. Your partner will be having a lot of guilt and stress, try and meet with him with compassion even if he is outwardly being a knob.

@Littlegoth
OP specified that 45 min was the travel time with no traffic to contend with. It seems a little high for the distance but I assume now the roads aren't greàt ones.

I've worked in a secondary school. It's fine to move a child in year 8, but not year 9 onwards. I would absolutely change his school after Christmas. You're going to have to write down how much this is costing you, and how much time it's taking each week/month driving. Then sit down with him and tell him that it's not on, because it's now affecting your family finances.

ChristmasCrumpet

I’m not sure why you are saying the child is refusing to live with the mother?

The OP doesn’t say that anywhere does she??

There is one new expense in all of this that means the OP’s DH now can’t afford to pay his eldest’s school fees… he chose to have another baby.

Not the OP’s fault really, but if the affordability of the school was really limited, so that a few hundred pounds a week extra and it all became untenable (and the DH must be pretty wealthy, so a relatively marginal cost). Then he really shouldn’t have started up a new family.

I see women on here constantly berated for having more children than they can afford and I see this as no different .

Moving this child is going to be extremely detrimental, so heartache all round caused by the man in this scenario.

Private school is a luxury they can’t afford at the end of the day. Better to move now in year 8. Mum can then pay the maintenance she should be paying.

Would everyone be happier with a local private school?

I read it as The child’s mother receives maintenance from your DP, she pays half of the school fees out of this and DP pays the other half, the child is now living with you and his dad full time. If this correct why is dp still paying maintenance to his ex?

YANBU. If it was SC's final year I'd say suck it up, given all the upheaval and obvious emotional distress he must be experiencing. But four years? That's not tenable. It also isn't ideal for SS to have his social life based 18 miles away from where he lives, and this will become more logistically problematic as he gets older and there's so many more social events and parties. I was forever hopping on the bus to our nearest town and back as a teen. I'd have missed out on so much with my friends if it had involved a 90 min expensive train journey because I just couldn't have afforded it. It's better that he builds friendships where he lives now.

If your husband won't see sense and won't discuss or compromise, then your options are basically to stay and put up with it or leave. So you need to weigh up those options with all the financial implications, implications for your child etc and decide which is the most viable and would result in a happier and calmer life for you and your child. He hasn't left you any room for negotiation so he's forced your hand. He's just hoping that he's forced it in the direction of "stay and put up with it".

I feel so sorry for your stepchild. First his parents divorced, then he had to change his living arrangements, and now you want to change his school.
There isn't a perfect solution, however, he should stay at his private school because of the good education he'll get. But he should stay home at the weekend and find some activities locally. At least you'll be able to relax and enjoy some family time at the weekend. Not ideal but workable.