To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

As an aside, why isn't your husband paying his portion of the school fees directly? He doesn't need to go through his ex wife. He doesn't need to pay her anything if SC is living full time with you.

My DC moved from Fee paying to State school after year 8 because she was so unhappy there.

It was the best thing she ever did.

Kids move schools for all sorts of reasons. Seems like the only viable option for me

No it's not the same.

Now the child is incurring hundreds of pounds a month in travel costs and 3hrs a day travel time, to attend this school. They are new costs. And not just dad's problem, especially as they only arise since the child refuses to live with their mother.

If the £500 a month in travel and three hours a day on school runs was there from the start, the child would not have been going to the school as neither parent could manage that.

The bottom line is, if the child wants to stay in the expensive school, they need to stay in the house that enables both parents to afford it. If they want to stay in the house that makes the school unaffordable, then fine, but neither mum or dad can afford the fees and travel and 3hrs a day to facilitate it. This isn't a 4yr old, they can understand their choice, and that the world doesn't revolve around only them.

If the mother can’t have the child anymore, or pay for transport and you find an easier journey they may have to move; hope you find a good school though as it could be quite disruptive. Some kids adapt quickly some may find it hard depending of personality. It is a difficult age.

Would you do the same if it was your own child or make the sacrifice for their happiness?

Just to say that I moved from private school to state school at that age as a kid and I was fine.

Obviously each kid is different but the private school I was at had to close so my parents had no other choice. I had a couple of months where it was tough settling in as the 'posh kid' but I soon made new friends. It doesn't have to be the disaster that your DH thinks it might be. I think a lot will depend on your stepchild and if they adapt to change easily or not.

Looking back now my secondary school days were great and I think overall I was much happier there than I was in the somewhat insular little school I was in.

It sounds as if it’s the travel (time and expense) that’s the biggest issue, not the private school per se.

Do you think SS living with you is a permanent/ long-term arrangement? Because in most other circumstances, if you moved 45 minutes’ drive from your child’s school, you would move schools. And, take it from me, a long school commute is exhausting and, as you get older, limiting to your social life. You actually don’t want your dad dropping you off and picking you up.

Don’t think in terms of the fees; think about the lifestyle. Something has to give.

As a PP has said, often journey times to private schools are longer and that’s why private schools have arrangements with local coach companies.

Do you really have to take them ALL the way to school - can’t you drive them to a coach pick up point?
Obviously you’ll be paying more because you’re using the coach, so adjustments would need to be made, but that grabs some time back.
Personally, I’d bite the bullet and find a) a closer private school if being in private is so important or, b) just simply change schools.
Fees never go down, only up and it sounds like they’re a bit too much of a stretch for your finances/ new arrangements.

He chose to make a new family with you so why should his first child have to change schools and lose his friends, just to make things easier for the second family?

I’m a step parent with 2 adult stepchildren. Their mum died when they were young and they were young teens when I met their dad. When you get involved with someone who already has children, you fit in with them, not the other way round.

This is madness. You have to pay next term's fees but I wouldn't be spending the next 5 years driving to a school 45 minutes away.
I would give notice that ss was leaving at Easter and get a state school place for summer term 2024. That way he'd get to meet some local friends and settle into the school before GCSEs start in Year 9 or Year 10.

The financial situation is unsustainable long term.
School fees will increase, as will travelling costs.
It’s sad your step child has to change schools but it happens.
I think leave it until after Christmas but prepare a spreadsheet showing all your income/outgoings plus how costs will increase in the next academic year.
Then your DH has to make a decision, give notice to the school and prepare stepchild for the move. It’s probably a term’s notice so spend that time carefully introducing them to new school, new activities close by etc… It won’t be easy, anything major with teenagers seldom is, but you can’t go into long term debt over school fees.

ChristmasCrumpet

Are you privy to some information that the rest of us aren’t???

Why do you keep making out like any of this is the child’s choice?

Whete does it say the child refuses to live with their mother?

I’m pretty sure they understand that the world does not revolve around them and they weren’t involved in the choice for their parents to split up, their father to be more distant, or to have to leave their home..

We cannot reduce the maintenance or stepchild’s mum couldn’t pay the school fees.

That's not true, you can clearly set expectations that it is unsustainable and unaffordable and unfair to the rest of your family including your DC. Give a firm date if when it will stop, maybe match it to the end of the current school year and if she wants to keep him in private school she needs to pay for it and step up or he is moving to the local comprehensive.

The only reason you can't is because your husband doesn't want to deal with it.

And unfortunately you may have to give your husband an ultimatum of you're willing to go ahead with it.

Shampoo 😶

TBH OP, this was always going to crop up eventually. I fail to believe that if DSS had stayed living with his mum that extra money would have allowed you to send your own DC to private school. Unless these are v. cheap ones at £12K a year (but even then that's £1K a month and the costs you're suggesting don't add up to anywhere near that - maybe £500 at best).

So, basically. The issue is this:

You now have your own DC and have realised that, regardless of anything else, you cannot afford to send both children to private school. You don't want your own DC to go without and therefore DSS has to leave.

I'm glad it worked out well for you, but what I would say is that the poor DSS here has already had a heck of a lot of change to adapt to.

He has moved primary residence for what appears to be quite a serious reason and his DM has a new boyfriend. His DF has also got a new partner and a baby step-sibling for him to adapt to.

DSS may be super duper at change, but this may be the icing on the cake in terms of number of changes.

I'm biased the other way though. DS is at private school paid for by my DPs, and he has loved the whole experience.He is in his final year and I'm so glad he has been there. It would have broken his heart to have moved at any point in senior school and he would have had a hard time adapting at the local school.

This. This child can never live at home again. You have shown no empathy for the child, in anything you have written.

Could you move stepchild to a closer private school?

Still not great for them but will maybe feel more familiar and keep that continuity for them?

I think it's too much to move a child from private school to comprehensive in a totally different area in year 8/9. It's a recipe for misery.

And the PP who said this probably wouldn't be such an issue if you'd not had another child kind of has a point. It is absolutely lovely for you to have a child but it does seem that it might now disadvantage your DH's other child. Stepchild may well see it that way and I'd be worrying about damaging the sibling bond.

I would say that year eight is one of the better years to move schools at secondary level. What is the child like? I am not really getting an impression of their voice here. Are they flexible and adaptable, do they find it easy to make new friends? Or are they shy and insecure? They have been through a lot. But it may be in their interests to find a local school as all that commuting is exhausting for them too.

If you can’t afford it or accommodate it in your life, well then you can’t. None of this is ideal for the child. But you will have to make a compromise as a family. Just make sure that he feels loved and that he has an element of choice amongst local schools. Does he have any hobbies that you can fund locally?

I would start looking at local schools asap and try and frame it as positively as you can.

Another poster mentioned before… if she’s on a low wage it seems odd she can pay 1/2 the school fees.

I’d put money on him getting a bursary, so dad is either paying all of the school fees or the school fees and bank rolling his ex.

Id either speak to the school and find out or message her and tell her that as of next month he’ll be paying school direct and see what reaction he gets…

YANBU. Leave it to your other half to deal with ALL the running around for SC. He’ll soon tire of it.

I live in a small country town, and at least three private schools pick up from here in minibuses, two of which are further away than your son’s school is from you. His is common for all the private schools in our county.

Cant your DH just drive to the closest pick-up point, instead of all the expensive training or driving? Or is it being done to make a point?

I can see that this is a stressful situation for you in terms of time and money. But your DSS has had two huge life events recently:

• a presumably fairly catastrophic breakdown of his relationship with his mother leading to a change of residence
• his dad has had a new baby

In your shoes I would move heaven and earth to keep him in his current school and with his group of friends. Even if it means serious financial sacrifice/remortaging etc. Children don't ask to be put in these situations and it's the responsibility of the adults in their lives to mitigate things as much as possible.

It’s a difficult one but if your SS wants to stay at the school, I would just suck it up for a few years.

It sounds like something quite major has happened with his mum and he’s had a massive change of circumstances. He’s now living with his dad and half sibling who he was only seen EOW and you, that must be very strange for him. The last thing he needs is to lose the constants that are school and friends. Poor boy.

I do feel for you too but you’re an adult. Things that happen in your childhood really shape your life and I think moving schools/leaving friends, on top of whatever has already happened and the consequences of that meaning he lives full time away from mum, is just too much.

Apart from anything else, it's not fair that one child gets a private education, and the second doesn't. I would insist that your step son is moved to another school. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Has he spoken to the school recently?
I'd be checking how much the fees actually are and whether the child is getting some sort of grant, bursary, scholarship or whatever it's called.

And there is actually no need to pay the mum instead of the school directly. Who's telling you that can't be done? It doesn't matter whose name the bill is in. He can ask the school for the bank details and pay his half directly with the reference number. The school will apply it to the bill.

If she's on a very low income the first thing I'd be checking is whether she's getting any form of help from the school and I'd be checking with the school directly. Not asking her.

The child is now living with their father full time which is a change the school needs to know about. If you're going to say he's not authorised to talk to them or something then that's the first change that needs to be made.

Also child benefit needs to be paid to him now.