To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

The driving everywhere though - welcome to the teen years.

Most teens make their own way to school. I recently moved one of my DD’s because of RAAC to a school that we have a 15 minute drive each way with no transport options. Most people think that is insurmountable/ we’re mad 🤷🏻‍♀️.

If you and dh are now solely responsible for his care then things have changed and very sadly that means he will have to move schools. That is life sadly. Either dh gets a new job to cover the additional expenses and is prepared to travel for 3 hours daily or it’s the local school. Are they particularly sporty? Is there a local school with good sports facilities?

Surely now you are just doing the same as the mother did then?
She is now contributing half of the school fees.

Not really. The mother chose a school she could walk too. Travel costs are zero. Time required, also zero as the child walked themselves. Both parents "suffered" this zero cost, which is the only way the school was affordable, or practical. Now her child doesn't want to live with her. So travel costs are around £150 a week, and travel is 3hrs a day. The mother suffers none of this, and the father suffers it all. The mother needs to do 50% of the drop offs and cover 50% of the travel costs for her own child. If she can't because she can't afford it, then she needs a better job, or her child needs to come out of a school she can't afford to put them in if her child isn't living with her.

Surely you stop the maintenance and pt the school fees directly. Mum tops up from boyfriend of this is what is currently happening, if she wants him to stay at this school. Go through CMS for a small amount of maintenance. Paying her so she pays school is an unnecessary step. If he's settled and happy it does seem unfair to move him as it sounds like he's already been through a lot

In this case really the child should move schools (and remember you'll have to give notice)

But, if your DP is dead against it, you need to talk to the school, see if there are bursaries, you need to see if you can figure out any way to reduce the impact on this school commute (could he go half-way by bus/train so that you can reduce the travel time for you - albeit increase it for him, but lots of kids, including me had 45min+ commutes for school as we lived rurally).

I have a 30 min drive to take my kids to school (no public transport at all) - and it really does take it out of you more than you'd think - due to time taken picking up (primary child, and a secondary child - so I have to walk in to get the primary child) I spend 4 hours a day in the car, so I completely understand

Yes, many private school kids travel 20 miles or so by train (as this child can) or school coach.
The weekend drives to friends houses would be a totally normal part of having a teen for many families.

I think it's a reasonable question if the father has chosen to live a good distance from his child, leaving the vast majority of raising them to their mother until now. Also taking into account what this child has been through already and the likehihood that they may want to return to a shared arrangement, or at least see more of their mother, over the next few years.

I agree with this.

Overall, it's impossible to answer this question without knowing why the child absolutely cannot live with their mother (which frankly suggests something dreadful must have happened, so a school move on top should be avoided) and why the father has chosen to live so far away from the child and their school. If the commute is the issue, moving house really needs to be considered.

I know others have mentioned weekly boarding but also ask about flexible boarding, both our local private schools offer it for parents who work shifts.

If your DSS is in Y9, can you survive until he finishes GCSE and move for 6th form? That's a natural moving school point and will at least put an end in sight?

why the father has chosen to live so far away from the child and their school

18 miles 🤔. It’s hardly the other end of the country is it?

I moved school in year 9 to a completely new area and it was fine. So long as you are able to choose a decent school, then it isn't a huge issue. You cannot be living like this for the next 4 years. And after that, it will be university costs and you will definitely need to contribute there, so in your position o would definitely change the school arrangement now.

Children do make new friends and even when they stay in the same school for the entirety of their education, friendship groups change. This is unsustainable for your entire family.

Your step son will ultimately be happier when he has a shorter commute and has made friends local to where you live, especially when he's a bit older and goes out more. He don't want to be reliant on lifts from you and his dad. And as he gets older, you'll also be constrained by school runs and play dates for your own child, so unless you and dp want to spend the next 4 years separately ferrying different kids to their different social activities, something has to change now.

You don't have enough information to make a decision.

Speak to the school and find out what your stepchild's tuition is exactly. Explain you're struggling with costs and travel. Ask if you can apply for a bursary and if they have a bus service.

Find out from the child's mother how she's funding her half of school fees. Is there a generous family member in the background? Would they be prepared to pay the full amount, rather than half?

It's entirely possible you can keep your stepchild at the school AND get transport provided via the school's bus service.

Failing all of that, start looking at schools near you - both private and state. There may be a more affordable private school near you, or one that will offer a good bursary depending on your income. Involve stepchild in your reasoning process. Y8 (if that's the year they're in) is certainly old enough to understand the impact of a 3-hour commute every day. Maybe they also hate the long commute (my son turned down private secondaries because the shortest commute on offer was 40 minutes one way). They might be happy to look at state schools near you. Reassure them you'll still drive them to see old friends on the weekend.

Present it as figuring out what works best for them as well as the family as a whole. If they're involved in the decision making process it will be a much easier transition for them.

So what's the main problem? The fees or the transport?

Are you sure that there are no bus routes? It maybe there is a stop that you could drop him at?

To be honest this isn't sustainable for you are a family. Children move schools all the time and I would say year 8 is the last chance before GCSE study really kicks in.

Are you sure the mother can continue to fund her half? What happens if she suddenly says she can't/won't pay anymore?

I meant financially they are doing the same as the mother did: paying all the costs of bringing the child up, plus half the school fees.

I take your point that there is more travel and this is inconvenient and has a cost but

1. why did the father move away from his child and their school
2. the impression I got was the OP was complaining about the costs of having the child live with them, food clothes etc. not the petrol.

What’s muddying the waters here is that the OP is describing the payments as “maintenance “. Most of us think of maintenance as cost of living (clothes,food, housing)

The OP did not say that the father was previously contributing to these at all.

So the fact that the mother now isn’t might not be unfair.

Does DSS want to stay at the school? If so I can see why his DF would do everything in his power to make it happen.

The fact that his other DC can't go to private school is a bit irrelevant. Half siblings have different educations all the time.

If he could stay at his DMs even one or two nights a week, it would make the whole thing a lot more tenable. Why is that not an option?

Running kids around is part of life, it’s what you do. You’ll be doing it for your child soon enough so take the pissy bit of this whine out of the equation, it’s not relevant.

If your oh works OOH, it’s no different, he’s commuting. Your stepson has suffered a massive change to his life, so social interaction with his friends is the least you can do.

But you can’t afford the school, that’s clear. Costs are only going to rise and unless you all move to closer to his school, it’s never going to get any easier, only harder.

you are going to have to sit your OH down and really insist that he really face facts on this.

If the child is living with him, the father doesn't have to pay maintenance to the mother.

He also gets to decide whether or not to pay for school fees. It would be reasonable to change child to a local, non fee-paying school.

If the mother wants the child to go to the private school, it is up to her to fund it herself, including travel costs

The school may have some charity funds for circumstances like these. I know ours has a fund for DCs whose DPs have lost their jobs.

It is clear, take dc out of private school. You are struggling financially because of it and the distance is way too far to cope with plus a baby. The situation has changed and you need to make it clear that if he lives with you he needs to be in a local school. He needs to change now before it is too late. I don't get why people just send their first dc to private if they can barely afford it and do not think if they have additional dc.....

I get the arguement that extra upheaval for the child is not desirable, but if keeping him in that school means the overall wellbeing of the family unit is being flushed down the toilet, aren't we arriving at the same place anyway? Upheaval, unhappiness, undesirable consequences (finances, resentment, exhaustion, lack of quality time as a family etc etc)

I'd be looking at state school options for Y9.

YANBU. The only way to solve all the problems are to change school. The idea that you should carry on paying private school fees you can't afford and couldnt pay for your other child is ludicrous. The time/travel difficulties will only get harder as your baby gets older. It is difficult to move school but it happens to a lot of kids. I would wait until the summer at the end of year 8 though to give them time to get used to the change in living situation so it doesnt all come at once.

It kind of sounds that way.

Yes, but both parents could only afford the school while their child lived within walking distance.

The issue is the child now refusing to live within walking distance when this has been the thing enabling the school to be both affordable and practical for both parents.

The child's refusal to live with their mother is now incurring 3hrs travel per day and hundreds of people in travel costs. This new cost and disruption should be shared between both parents at least, or if it can't then the child and mother need to sort it out so the child can remain at the school by living back at hers. It's the only way the school remains viable for both parents.

It’s a difficult situation. If he has just moved in full-time with you then changing schools may just be a bit too soon. However, if you are financially struggling, then you’ll either need to make cuts elsewhere or have a chat to DSS and explain that the costs are something you realistically can no longer pay. I don’t think the whole family should be suffering to try and pay for such a huge expense when it’s not compulsory.