To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Or course it's not sustainable. Even without a new baby in the mix it wasn't sustainable.

And now, with the new baby, it's going to be increasingly unfair to the new baby because the baby will start going 'without' as all the time, money and energy gets poured into the stepson's school, rides to and from school, rides to and from friends that live too far away, and then too broke and tired and lacking time to do anything for anybody else.

I would end a marriage over this, tbh.

Have you asked the Step child what they want to do? Are they happy to be moved to the local comp? I think YABU

Don't be ridiculous.

How reasonable is your stepson? Would he understand if you said that you can no longer afford his school fees plus travelling expenses? Possibly you could reach a compromise of allowing him to still see his old friends at weekends if he agrees to move to an alternative private school. You could suggest viewing some schools together?
he wouldn’t be the first child to move schools, if he’s made friends before he can do it again.
if you and Dh can’t agree on this and take some action soon then you’ll split up and the boy will be in a worse position.

Correction @Manthide

There is no maintenance grant in England, there is in every other U.K. region and I wasn’t so quick to assume OP’s location.

https://www.studentbeans.com/blog/uk/how-much-maintenance-loan-should-you-get/#:~:text=The%20average%20student%20loan%20varies,t%20need%20to%20pay%20rent.

Student loan repayments are not enormous, and tend to be manageable and about as much as a gym membership monthly. The biggest change recently is for English students, in that their loan won’t be written off after 25 years, but 40. Though the threshold for repayments to start is higher than it used to be.

https://www.savethestudent.org/student-finance/student-loan-repayments.html#plan5

Let’s leave aside his driving time for a moment. Has your DH stress-tested his own finances to see whether he can mop up the 20% hike in fees which will come into force probably within the next 12 months? And that’s before the inflation-busting annual fee uplift (8% for us this year)? I would take emotion out of it and put your own family’s very valid needs aside and just sit him down with a spread sheet and do the sums. That may make him wake up. If you’re on mat leave, is he counting on your salary going up once you return to top up the household budget and in effect cross-subsidise his child? I would rather sell my house than pull my kids out their independent schools so I don’t say this lightly but YANBU. He cannot afford this!

I don't understand why your husband continues to pay the large maintenance sum? Assuming the maintenance is for your stepchild rather than his mother, surely the payment should stop and you simply funds the fees yourself.

Most schools will offer bursary's for financial hardship. A large number also put on transport, have you looked into this? Or the possibility of mid week boarding?

Pulling a child from independent school to move to state isn't a decision that should be taken lightly.

Not to seem bad but if the child is with you. She should be paying you for the child. (That's usually how it works) if she's getting benefits they will take it out of it. Is she having social events every weekend? Limit her social events. It is OK to say no some times. Say maybe twice a month. Her good friends can come to you some times too!
Maybe if she's recently moved it may be too much for her at mo to change schools and leave friends as well. Try getting her to meet new friends in area via clubs etc the. Ease her into talks about new local schools.
Tbh my step child goes boarding school which my partner fully pays for. We have no plans to do the same for our children. I havent got a problem with this as there was a reason why she went boarding. I can't comment about the journey fees arrangements, is there another form of transportation for her to get there? Someone I knew found it better to pay someone petrol amd a small fee to drive their 2 children as it was a far journey for them by bus I. The beginning. Now they make the nearly hour an A half journey themselves.

Just a thought but it might be as simple as just moving him to a local school. Have you checked if the local schools are full? Your step child wont be able to go to any popular or over subscribed schools unless a place has come up. I know friends who have moved areas and the LEA has offered them schools miles away. Your step child won't be going through the normal application procedure as they would have to start in year 7.

@Morriet If the child lives with you full time now, why is ‘maintenance’ ie school fees, being paid to the other parent? That makes no sense at all to me. Why don’t you just cut out the middle woman and pay the fees directly to the school? Are you sure this money is going to the school, or is there some kind of fee reduction/scholarship in place base on the mother’s low income? Could she be simply pocketing this ‘maintenance?’ With or without your partner’s knowledge?

Have you considered speaking to the school to see if there are any bursaries available?

@Morriet

With respect, I am only giving my opinion and the reason you don’t like it is that it is opposite to yours.

I have no doubt you very much love your SC, but this scenario is something you did not see coming. And it isn’t what you wanted for your life and for your child, so undoubtedly it’s very difficult.

I’ve argued my points at too much length really. But my honest view and concern would be that you could be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire with this.

It is one thing having the hassle of ferrying around a happy teen and accommodating their social life. It’s another to have one with mental health problems living with you, which could carry on for much longer than 4-6yrs if he has issues with educational attainment as well.

Please, if you can, go through all of the options available to resolve this issue first. There’s a lot that can be done. Already mentioned by me and others.

This is absolutely ludicrous on you OP. And if the mother was a man and it was the other way round, everyone would be crying 'how unreasonable!' If the child is living with you, the mother should be paying maintenance, surely? Can you speak to an expert in the law around maintenance and see what is reasonable to expect in this circumstance?
Also I would say that if the mum is the one who wants to send her son to PS, then she should be doing the school runs! 45 minutes one way may not sound like a lot, but that is a huge chunk taken out of family life. I would get this sorted before year 9 and GCSEs. It sounds to me like your maintence should be cut hard and the situation reversed....

Then is it to leave? It doesn’t sound pleasant or sensible at all. If he doesn’t keep his promises and is irrationally putting one thing at the expense of the three of you it’s going to be a loooooong four years. Have you said that it’s a real line in the sand?
I’m sorry it’s so tough x

This is an excellent point.
While a move now would be awful, a move in GCSE years would be so much worse.

@Morriet anyone with half a brain can see this is unsustainable. You are really not unreasonable, but you are a step mother so held to a higher standard then birth mothers.

The people suggesting anything other than move the kid to a state school are insane. Or very well off. Or total martyrs to their children.

Hope all goes well with your chat tonight and your partner starts to see sense.

The situation doesn't sound tenable and certainly not for another 4 years.
You need to give a terms notice as well at private school so it has to be done before easter term next year for the new school year.
It will be unsettling but kids move school all the time and make new friends. They manage.
Both of mine had to move schools 4 times. They made new friends within weeks.

I don't know if anyone else has said this already- I've read the thread to page 5 and have read all the OP's responses.
Of course YANBU. The situation is unsustainable. However, to coin a phrase, the problem is with your DH. Why is he so resistant to sending his DC to a more local school? Are there guilt issues there somewhere? Is it that he sees DSC's move to yours as temporary? I think having a good heart to heart with him is needed, where you try to tease out what's making him so adamant to continue this stressful situation. It sounds like he's unhappy/stressed too. Good luck, OP 💐

That sounds really tough OP.

You sound so lovely BTW. Your step child is so lucky to have you

Good Lord of course he needs to move to the local state school and swiftish. You have been a saint putting up with this situation as long as you have.
What does the DSS think?
I agree with a PP that your marriage will never survive another 4 years of this.

You have received a very hard time, for no reason, @Morriet. Just ignore the wackos.

This is a fascinating dilemma; I've been turning over possible solutions.

Agree with others that at 13, the only practical way forward is for him to change schools. It's not the end of the world. You can still do some transport on weekends for him to see friends AND he will have the opportunity to meet new friends in your location.

Is your husband worried about the educational caliber of the state schools? Perhaps some of the monies saved could be applied toward tutoring, enrichment courses or whatever else might bolster the boy academically and supplement the state school curriculum? That's got to be cheaper than private school fees.

If your husband is worried only about the social aspect of the boy changing schools, well, time will take care of that. Many kids have to move more than once over the course of their school career. There must be local clubs and activities he can join, beyond school, to enlarge the social circle.

I hope you can work something out.

I would tell the child unfortunately you are going to have to move schools because of xyz

Seems a little extreme to move house so a child can go to a particular school for 4 years.

Yanbu, this situation is untenable.
Like I feel sorry for your SC but there’s no way this can continue in the long term. In a family with no step parent situation, you can’t spend all the time and resources on just one child and tell the others that they can’t see dad for example 6 days a week because they have to ferry one of them. They also can’t do any activities that cost money or they can’t even have good clothes, go on holidays, etc because all the money in the household is being spent on just one of them.
I have a DC with SEN and for example we’re paying for her to have 1 to 1 swimming because she can’t cope in group lessons and this costs 4 times that of group lessons but the other DC also still does swimming lessons just that they do it with a group so they’re not missing out. Obviously there are lots of times where one will put the needs of a child first esp when one is already a teenager but what’s happening here is just ridiculous. And you’re also financially facilitating something that does not benefit you in any way, neither did you agree to it.
If your DP and his mum refuse to change his school, I’ll have a separate bank account and only pay my percentage of the bills to the joint bank account. I won’t get involved with the ferrying about, make weekend plans for myself and your DC so they are not miss out on having a childhood, etc. I just won’t get involved.