To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

@DoDoDoD

She doesn’t need to, she could do drop off, go to a baby class and then drive home twice a week with DP doing pick up those days.

The kid could get train there and back two days.

Dad could do the final drop off with SM doing final pick up after a weekly shop or something else she needs to do….

It doesn’t have to be all her driving 3hrs daily 5 days a week. No one is suggesting that and it wouldn’t be practical with a baby.

But she’ll want to be out for a few mornings doing things with baby anyway. And they still need to shop/eat.

Work the drop off or pick up around other tasks is key.

Not RTFT but do we know why stepchild can’t just live with mum and be near to school?

@CecilyP

Well this is the thing - if DC has been with Mum for however long they have been split then all the finances will have been going to Mum and Dad either may not know about the finance or may not as yet have organised it going through in his name.

If the money is going through to paying fees this circumstance would not change by having it in Dads name so he may not have considered it a priority over attending to the child’s immediate needs.

It's still 90 minutes (at least) a few days a week that she didn't expect to do, and was never told she would be doing for a situation she agreed with her dh wouldn't be happening. So it's completely different from if you have a child and agree/plan/sign up to something.

I can understand why she's irked and wants no part in something that is putting the whole family under strain. There have been arguments here for and against the sc staying in the school they're currently in, including financial stress and him maybe being happier if he makes friends closer to home. She clearly thinks it's best if he leaves the school - as do many posters - so why should she be put under pressure to facilitate what seems a scarcely workable arrangement?

Tbh there's so much we don't know about this situation other than the OP has been put in a position she was told she wouldn't be in, and she's annoyed and feels she isn't unreasonable.

No, OP has just said she absolutely can't.

Realistically you can't afford to keep the child in the school. Whether it is the fees or the travel, its going to cripple the family if you only have pennies left each month.

Your husband can't afford to keep paying maintenance and living costs, and as he legally doesn't need to he should stop the maintenance.

If he is adamant that child is staying put then mum needs to start paying maintenance to him. She is saving money by not having the day to day living costs now so she should have that spare. If she doesn't then she can't afford for them to be in the private school either and they leave.

I'm also a firm believer that one child shouldn't be advantaged over another so as you can't afford to send both children to private school then don't send one.

Uprooting the child part way through secondary school will have a detrimental impact on his exam success. As difficult as the situation is, I think the child should stay in the school where he has been for the past 2 years. It's not his fault that his parents martial issues have caused the situation to be difficult. Your husband and his ex need to discuss the best way going forward for their child.

Absolutely agree with you
But OP hasn’t said how long the kid has been at his present school.
He/she could have been there for 9years, we don’t know

This sounds sensible to me.

I feel like I've lost the plot reading this thread. Of course the situation isn't sustainable, and of course he needs to move school. I think the conversation is being massively skewed here by the fact it's a step-child but also by the move being from private to state school. Taking those things out - this is a 12 year old who has moved house to too far away to go to their old school. Obviously they move schools. It won't get any easier for them to do so over time, and it's pretty crap for them not having any local friends where they now live. It is absolutely in their interests to move.

Could your stepchild have a sleepover at a classmate’s house at least once a week?

Same! My DC are in private school and there's been a fair number of arrivals and departures, including end of Y9/ beginning of Y10.

Plus the bottom line is, if they can't afford it for whatever reason, they can't afford it.

Could your DP take over the bill and discuss the possibility of a bursary with the school as the financial situation has changed? Then he doesn't pay his ex any maintenance.

She may not earn much but she would need to contribute some maintenance.

Agree it would be awful to uproot DSS from his school and friends when he is already going through a massive change.

on a side note I’m assuming your DC is very little still? In which case I wanted to point out as you won’t have experienced it already that it’s normal to feel like the world revolves around a yr 8 child. My DD is yr 9 and it feels like all we do is ferry her here there and everywhere for clubs, school events and social events at the expense of our own time in the evenings and weekends. Personally I think you need to speak to the school about bursaries to help you cover the costs of travel etc. and then suck it up for a few years.

Firstly, I’d contact school and let them officially know the change in circumstances of DSS and the financial struggle it now poses given the distance away from home. Ask that all invoices are sent to DH ( for now) and find out what notice is required to terminate his place at the school. Also discuss how far they are into the GCSE curriculum . Private schools tend to be well ahead of their comp counterparts so I wouldn’t worry about that at this point. Ask about any potential bursaries that may be available to DSS.
Secondly, I’d be revisiting any court agreement re custody and finance as these have now been altered by mutual agreement of all parties.
Thirdly, can exW not help in getting her child to/from school , after school activities and chauffeuring to/from friends now to share that load? Why is it all down to your DH?
Fourthly, if there’s no court order, get CSA involved on exW and her new partner as (I believe) the new partner’s finances will also be brought into any maintenance payment due to your DSS. ( I assume her new partner also works)
if it all boils down to finances or lack thereof ( school fees, increased school travel costs, increased living costs) and you’re not prepared to move nearer to the school to reduce the travel time ( which does significantly impact on your daily quality of life) then something’s gotta give. By the time DSS has finished private school you’ll have a few years fee free before your DS starts secondary school if you decide to go down that route.
Once you have all the facts, it’s get real time. A few ultimatums perhaps from yourself to preserve your DS and your own standard of living. Are you prepared to sacrifice it for sake of DSS?
lots of questions to answer.
Good luck.
YANBU

Your DSS needs to move to a school where you live as the situation is not sustainable. If he is happy there, then that is sad for him but one child cannot be the sole focus of a family. I have had to do similar school runs which took an hour one way, two different school settings and a college setting then going out again of an evening. It was no way to live and two were not my own children.

People will let you do the work if you let them sadly. Your DSS needs to make friends locally if the move to you is permanent and this is very important.

I have to say that when I was involved in the family courts they would have baulked at enforcing such a drive everyday on a child. Your DH seems to be the sole decision maker but this situation cannot continue and your relationship already appears damaged. A difficult decision needs to be made by end of term op I am afraid.

@MrsZargon The issue isn’t ferrying our stepson around, it’s the distance and time. All of his friends live a minimum of 45 minutes away. Last weekend we had to do an hour and 15 minute drive (and back!) to pick him up from a sleepover. So two hours and a half in total. This was fine when he lived round the corner from his mates with his mum. He was able to get buses, or trains, or get a lift from her. But for us, this level of time, distance and driving we also aren’t able to facilitate without it taking over our entire weekend, to the point we cannot make plans as a couple or with our own DC. It’s easy to feel resentful and just want to say no all the time. But then if we don’t do the lifts, it’s cruel on stepson who doesn’t get to see his friends. We’re not talking about 20 minute, or even half an hour, drop offs to see friends. It’s entire mornings or afternoons.

I am going to be having a conversation with my DP tonight and hoping we can reach a sensible conclusion / compromise. There had been a lot of assumptions and conjecture on this thread, some nasty twisting of words and lies too, it’s hard not to feel very attacked, hence I haven’t come back to answer other questions or comments.

OP, pay attention to the votes! Two thirds of people agree with you - it's just that the one third who disagree are shouting loudly and sometimes making up their own narrative. Good luck with doing the best for your whole family, I really hope it works out for you.

@Morriet please ignore the commenters with zero comprehension skills or the just plain nasty ones!

I don’t blame you for not answering all the questions. Even I took a break from this thread as some of the assumptions, questions and ‘reasoning’ were so ridiculous! Very irritating.
I hope you find a resolution that works for your whole family.

Good luck to you @Morriet It's not sustainable to be managing that on a daily basis.

This is where I would firmly draw the line. You absolutely do not need to let this also take over your weekends, children do have to understand reason and how to be reasonable.

I would discuss this with SS and (in an age appropriate manner) set out that you love him, don’t want him to be uprooted from school but equally this can’t go on. I’d try to get to know some of his friends’ parents and suggest he socialises after school and is picked up later once a week/fortnight but that at the moment weekends are not doable other than special occasions such as perhaps birthdays.

I definitely wouldn’t be doing this 7 days a week - there has to be a limit.

We do lots of running around for our daughter who is in school a long way away but this is because it was OUR decision to live where we do and OUR decision to put her in that school and therefore we will happily facilitate travelling to socialise too. She can’t be penalised because of something she wasn’t old enough to understand or be a part of. But your circumstances are entirely different and you can absolutely explain to your stepson that something has to give somewhere.

Good luck @Morriet, please
do come back and update us as to how you get on, I hope you find a resolution that suits all of you.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. All things considered it sounds very much like this situation isn’t sustainable. As much as it would be difficult for SC to change schools it happens and being so far away from school friends means socialising is extremely difficult.
Obviously it’s a decision that only you can make as a family. I completely get how tough this is on all of you and hope you manage to find a solution that is workable for you all

This does not sound very sustainable. I imagine uniform is more expensive and I can only imagine extra costs as the child gets older.. Try and have a very frank conversation with your husband as this may become an issue that breaks the camels back.

I hope things get better.