To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Stop paying the mother any money whatsoever and then see how you cope with the school fees. I have to say, if you love your SC as much as you say you do, you would walk the earth over for them as you would your own DC, but a lift to see friends on the weekend is too much and you’re considering leaving DP for?! If you love them as much as you say you do, you stop complaining, find the money and make sure you have a happy, well balanced SC; like, has this kid not been through enough to the point that they can’t even live with their mum?! This kid needs to be shown how much they are loved!

Exactly this!!!
Change his school and tell his mum she needs to cough up towards his keep, no matter how little. You can be sure she was quick enough to get maintenance from the dad so its her turn now!

Bloody sell a house and uproot everyone over a school thats costing a fortune anyway, honestly 🙄

Goodness me! You really will say and do anything to make the narrative fit however you want it to fit!

Be careful you don’t cut the circulation off to any critical body parts, staying in that pretzel shape too long!

Gosh that is a tough one... I do think changing schools at this stage would be extremely disruptive. Is there a week day boarding option at the school?

How many stepchildren do you have. Sometimes you say stepchild sometimes you say ‘them’ I’m confused. It’s really hard and I’d hate to make that decision. Good luck.

But OPs money is being used to pay this tuition??

I think if the child is with you permanently then this is not a viable situation, however regrettable (and I do think kids should stay in schools esp at times of upheaval) it’s not tenable for many reasons.

I would wonder though what the issue s that the child can’t live with the mother anymore and is it going to be forever? Eg, is it an abuse situation and child is never able to go back? is mother a recovering addict and it might take time but child can go back? Is it a child going through teenage years and saying I am not living with my mum, in which case that might change in a couple of months.

for me that’s the crux- if this situation is never, ever changing, without any possibility of the child going back then I’d say move schools. If it’s going to be anything up to a year or so, or reunification is a possibility then I would say don’t change schools because in a time of turmoil the stability school provides is immeasurable.

This is ridiculous. The 13 year old doesn't necessarily know what's best for him. He isn't terminally ill, he just has to change schools. The OP and her DH can support him through that, and help him understand why it's for the better. That demonstrates love - being realistic, supporting him through a transition, ensuring he's part of his new family set-up where they'll actually get to spend proper time with him (not in a car), helping him integrate into a new community, and will set him up better for the future than his parents going broke and spending half his life in transit. That amount of travelling is not the road to a happy well balanced life, a dose of reality and a secure loving home is.

The boy staying at an independent miles away is not sustainable in terms of time or costs.

Withdraw him now, get him into a local state school sooner rather than later.

Sorry but you say you feel attacked, think of how your poor step child will feel? They’ve had a huge upheaval and must have been fairly traumatic to no longer be able to live with their mum. I assume you’re not a step child yourself?

you’ve also said “to the point we cannot make plans as a couple or with our own DC.”

it’s clear you don’t include your step child as part of your family. He was there before your and the child you and your husband share.

Oh give over. 🙄
either you haven’t read OPs updates or you choose to ignore them and give your own twisted meaning.

Currently, everyone’s lives run around DSC school.

YANBU

It shouldn’t be costing you money for your stepsons schooling. He has two parents for that, and if they can’t afford it, he shouldn’t be going.

If it were me I’d be withdrawing my financial contribution to this farce. Not to mention the impact it’s clearly having on the family because of logistics.

Ultimatum time. Move child to state school or you move out.

I didn’t say it is OP’s job to finance the step child’s education but I’m sure it said they gave up work to have a child together so due to that they are now only on one income as a household so OP isn’t financing it.

Surely this wont even be feasible when you're back at work too esp with dc2's nursery drop off? Fees will only increase, it will be a disaster to pull the child mid gcse, DP needs to find a local school now, delaying is only hurting the child.

Maternity leave is not giving up work, jesus wept!!

Seriously OP, you need to get as far away from this thread as possible, a lot of pp certainly seem to have departed from it!

My DC was put in a position where I had no choice but to change his school; I couldn’t have made such a worse decision in my whole parenting life. He is 24 now and it still upsets me just how much it affected him. He went to a new ‘better’ school, leaving his friends behind. At his new ‘better school’, literally every single kid there had been together since pre-school and were not open to new people. He was sad, lonely and missed his friends and whilst trying to make new friends at his new school, his old friends were moving on as usual (as kids do), so even though I would drive him across frequently to see them, he never quite fit in in either place. He never managed to forge lasting friendships, which affects him to this day, and he is a happy, sociable person, the school was just very cliquey, parents included. 18 miles is not spending a lifetime in the car, it’s just making sure this poor kid doesn’t have anymore major upheaval during a crucial developmental period in their lives.

So you’re not paying maintenance? You’re paying your half or portion of the school fees. The child has already had their life turned upside down by a relationship breakdown, then having to move homes.,ffs let them have some stability and continue in a safe and familiar school. It’s not costing you any more. Have you actually asked DSC how they would feel about moving schools?
Give the child something in their life that is stable.

Think OP doesn’t want to verify the sex of the child.

Have you applied to the school for a bursary to assist with fees? There is always a busses and always a hardship fund, they are especially open to current pupils whose circumstances have changed. With a nursery assisted place you have small or no fees which means you could then afford a train pass too.

@Morriet it's not maintenance though, it's part of the school fees. Does the child's mother perhaps already get a bursary and that's how she can afford her part of the fees?
It won't be the end of the world for him to move schools. He might actually be happy not to commute and make friends around where he lives.

Read the original post. The child’s father is paying maintenance to the mother which she uses to pay half the school fees. The father pays the other half. The child lives with the OP and the father. It cost them an additional £400 a month to ferry the child to school.

@Muddybooties

noone as parent can live their life in fear of their child or stepchild developing mental health problems. Because a) that’s no way to live and b) they could develop mental health problems anyway.

@VimtoVimto

No, I’m afraid you’re wrong
(and I can’t blame you, the OP has indicated the whole payment issue.

If you read her first 5 posts, you’ll see that she has called it “maintenance” in inverted commas, but after being pulled up by several people, she goes on to explain that is just what she calls it, because originally it was legally required maintenance.

Since the child moved in with the OP her DP now chooses to continue to pay for half the school fees.

Why he doesn’t pay them directly to the school has not been explained.

I actually think this is part of the reason for some of the disparity in opinion (not all, but some).

Obfuscated not indicated!!!