To think my stepchild should leave private school?

[Morriet]

DP has one child, who is at private school, we have a baby together. It was my stepchild’s mother who chose to send him to private secondary school, one which is local to where she lives (45 minutes away if there is no traffic, 18 miles). My stepchild always lived with their mother, albeit with some difficulties, until a year ago where it became impossible for my stepchild to live there full time. They cannot go back to live there again, so that isn’t an option.

Up until now, we have managed stepchild’s school 45 minutes away, under the pretext that they would soon change to a local (not private) school near by. The current arrangement means multiple 45 minute school runs everyday, or a very lengthy and costly train journey for stepchild. Additionally, all of stepchild’s friends are in the area around their school, so they often want lifts to see their friends over the weekend, involving more lengthy drives. In the past, I have helped to do the driving, although recently I have told DP that I am not doing it anymore. Of course there are still times when I need to and there are no other options. Even though I’m not physically doing the driving, it still means DP is out of the house for hours everyday when doing the school run (he’s stressed and tired as a result) and our weekends often end up revolving around stepchild’s social life which is miles away. I feel this level of commitment to an area so far away is very unfair on the rest of the family. I find it extremely stressful, unfair on me and our other DC, and it’s put a massive strain on our relationship.

In addition, DP has always paid maintenance (a large amount), which his ex chose to put towards the private school fees. This was fine and of course his duty to pay. Now though, stepchild is living with us and we are totally funding their living costs (which is fine) but DP is still paying the large amount of maintenance as otherwise stepchild’s mum couldn’t afford the fees. This means our expenses have gone up dramatically and we’re struggling to make ends meet. We couldn’t afford to send our second child to private school, so it also doesn’t seem fair and I feel it is an insane level of financial commitment.

DP, despite initially agreeing that it was best all round for stepchild to join the local comprehensive, has now said he thinks stepchild should stay at their private school for the next 4 years. I really feel for my stepchild as it’s a very upsetting situation for them and really the last thing I’d want to do is for them to change schools, I love my stepchild very much, however… I just don’t see how this situation can continue and is doable for the next 4 years?! I feel DP is being blinkered and isn’t thinking about what is best for the whole family unit. We had an argument about it this evening and sometimes I feel like just leaving with my DC.

AIBU?

Oh gosh OP, I do feel your pain. DS currently goes to a school 45 mins away and the driving is exhausting but the difference is it was my decision to send him there, it wasn’t a decision made by someone else and then put upon me without my opinion being given any weight. We also have the same problems in terms of him seeing his friends as they all live on the other side of the school to us. So I really do understand how difficult this must be for you.

My only word of caution would be, the move from private to state at secondary can be really difficult, I know as I did it and given the upheaval of his life already, I would wonder what impact that would have on him and then how that might affect your home life with him.

I think your DP needs to be more understanding of how all of this is affecting you, and if he is still adamant on your DSS staying at the school then it needs to be up to DP to find a work around/solution that makes this all more bearable for you for the next few years

It’s not just comprehension skills as such. Mumsnet also tends to be a highly affluent demographic and many on this thread have demonstrated that they have little comprehension of what it is to struggle financially.

Morriet I don’t think you should feel “attacked” by any of the comments here. You posted asking for input as to how reasonable your stance was from other perspectives. Some of those perspectives have been concerned for the impact on your SS and that’s perfectly natural: he’s a young boy who has had much upheaval and is facing still more. Many parents do travel long distances and spend weekends revolving around childrens sports or social commitments, and it’s reasonable they might come out and say as much if it’s true - just as many have commented they personally wouldn’t. Best to take the comments you haven’t been pleased with as honest feedback made with your SS’s interests at heart. People took time out of their day to respond.

This is absolutely fucking nuts.

So your maternity pay which is meant to help you with your own baby is being put into the household pot and is being used to pay the private school fees of a child that isn't even your own? Why are you allowing this for even one second? Stop contributing financially to your stepson's school fees as that is not your problem. If his actual parents (your partner and stepson's biological mum) can't afford his school fees without your contribution then he doesn't get to stay in private school. His fees are a matter for his parents to sort out not you. His parents cannot afford to send him to private school and they need to accept it pronto. That's without even getting into the whole travelling, distance away from the school etc issues.

Why is your DP happy for you and your (and his) baby to scrimp and save and go without whilst his other child that isn't yours gets pampered? That is some next level prince and the pauper shit and I can't believe you're not putting your foot down over this like yesterday.

I’ve never read such utter bonkers in my life. The simple answer is he has to move schools. He is 13 and quite mature enough to understand why. The bottom line is parents can’t afford it, the travelling time is completely ridiculous and unsustainable and there is a high chance he will actually benefit from the move and make local friends. With a supportive dad and a stepmum with whom clearly has a good relationship, he will be just fine. Thousands of kids change schools at secondary age and it really doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

What of you were to set aside the same amount as the ‘maintenance’ + transport every month? When money is tight at the end of the month and your DP asks where the money went you can say you did the same as him: used some of the joint money for your DC’s education pot.

Surly if he can afford it for one he can’t deny it to the other one? At this point he should realize that you can’t afford private school and there is no point making all your lives miserable when he’ll have to change school eventually anyway.

@Calliopespa With respect, a number of posters have intimated that I don’t give a shit about my stepson, nor my family, that I’m irresponsible as I had a baby without thinking through every possible scenario, huge assumptions that I don’t financially contribute so don’t have any say in how family money is spent. It’s been heavily implied that I’m selfish because I’m no longer prepared to take my infant on 3 hour long school runs.

Those people are not trying to be genuinely helpful.

@Morriet

You are a caring, and loving stepmother to your SS, but please be kind to yourself too!

Your SS isn’t missing out on time with his friends - that’s why he’s at that school, because he wants to be with his friends!

If he wants to be with his friends in school and at weekends, then he needs to consider which he wants more! To be with his friends from Monday to Friday or to be with his friends at weekends. Depending on the answer, he either changes schools or understands that weekends are family time.

Also, he will most likely not be able to keep up his current friendship group if he lives so far away from them all. This will get worse as the group gets older and gets more independent about socialising. My husband went to private school which was nearly an hour away from where he lived. He lived rurally while most of his friends either lived nearer to the school or boarded. He was often out of the loop in his friendship group because he lived so far away and was not able to be involved in everything that his friends were up to all of the time. He has said that while he had friends at school he was never truly close with any of them and it sucked.

Moving to a local school will benefit your DSS far more than being miles away from the central location of his current social life.

Is weekday boarding an option? This would relieve some of the pressure of going back and forth and then you’ll only have the weekends. If not then you need to have an honest discussion with stepchild and ask them to think about either switching schools or moving back with mum ( you need to clarify the issues with living with mum to understand better).

And to that last comment I would add he doesn’t need to see his friends every weekend, especially if seeing them in school. There’s room for balance.

Totally agree. Such outlandish solutions just to keep the child in a school from having him sleep over in someone else’s house to OP moving house. A happy and stable home is so much more important.

Sorry was adding to cynicalone’s post but comments were coming thick and fast. Also can’t his friend’s parents sometimes do some of the travel eg, can you not host his friends at your end? At times of upheaval established friends are much more of a comfort than yet-to-be-made friends.

And let’s not forget the poster who said such ridiculous things as if the OP split with her partner, then he could move to a small apartment near the school, and OP wouldn’t get maintenance since the DSS’s education would take precedence over the child shared by OP and DP. And then the poster said that OP should arrange her day around school drop off and pick up, by taking DC to baby groups, getting shopping and generally doing things to facilitate OP doing the school runs. Or how about OP getting a better paid job to pay these school fees! Oh yes, my personal favourite was that the only extra money OP and DP were paying out was for fuel - because you know, kids don’t grow and need clothes, pocket money, more school uniform, school books, etc., etc. Apparently because birth mother was taking this cost before, then OP should take it now, and be happy to!

Come to think of it, that happened to a schoofriend of mine. Moved in about Y8 but stayed at our school. Friendly enough at school during the day but never took part in any evening activities as we got older.

There is no maintenance grant anymore - my elder daughters qualified back in 2010/11 but ds gets an extra £2k from the University as we are on benefits. Thus means he will have an enormous tuition fee loan to pay back!

Well, yes, I’ll allow that established friends can be more of an emotional comfort, but perhaps DSS’s friends parents don’t want to have that gruesome travelling at the weekend, when they want to be relaxing and taking it easy! Possibly because they have to commute for hours during the week!

The point is, that some posters have twisted themselves into pretzel like shapes to make OP seem unreasonable, where the reality is, OP has bent over backwards, even contributing the money that is supposed to help her support her baby, to the school fund!

I have to agree with PP that the bias against stepmothers is astounding on this thread.

If this was a situation with both parents being the birth parents and the father was insisting on this (we will say for arguments sake that the local comp was a pit and this was the next nearest school) but the situation was found to be untenable after a year but the father was digging his heels in, the same posters telling OP to suck it up, would indubitably be shouting LTB!

Agree if the situation is permanent as u say to move DSS to a local school next year, YANBU.

My eldest DD is a stepmother, has a great relationship with her teenage stepson (took a long long time to build, mind) and she never gets involved in decisions that need to be made. She firmly keeps out of discussions/arguments as she said he has two parents that don't often agree and doesn't need another.

I would firmly leave this in the lap of your DH and his ex. There's no reason at all for you to be involved in the school run/running round at weekends, and in fact may be contributing to your DH having his head in the sand over it all.

Protect yourself from the stress. It's all you can realistically do here.

Personally I think the best situation would be to move the child to a closer private school. Taking a child out of private school and back into a comprehensive is unfair on them. The level of teaching, sport and general social skills will be lacking for them after they have been in a private setting. Several people I know have tried to move their children back into the state system for varying reasons and have moved them back within a term.

@CynicalOne

1. The OP states that DP would not survive nor be able to send his son to private if they split. I pointed out that he would likely relocate to a cheaper home closer to the boys school saving costs. And that beyond a few grand of basic child maintenance OP - as legally required - she would not get much extra because, as others also pointed out, the school fees and maintenance to the other child are a pre-existing financial commitment and the detriment to the boy would be great if uprooted.
2. OP has made a great big deal out of school runs. As if her DP or anyone here thinks she should be doing 3hrs of school runs through the week totalling 15hrs. I suggested she could do two drop offs and 1 pick up to contribute, totalling 4 1/2 hrs weekly. And that this could be worked around baby classes and grocery shopping she would be out doing anyway. Unless you’re suggesting women on maternity be chained to the house?!
3. OP says she has pennies each month. She is on maternity, that is pretty standard. She should be contributing to living costs for all of them (not the fees), and this should be easier when she is back at work.
4. OP stated that paying for the fees and living costs relative to SC is financially fine. And that the issue is the extra Transport costs of £400 and predominantly the amount of time driving and the impact on her and what she wants in terms of family life.
5. OP is in a family relationship with DP, as follows she should contribute to the life of this child. She is a stepmother. For some reason his mother is in dire straits, may be unwell or abusive and isn’t contributing. That is no reason to not step up and support your family. The child is under her care, she and the DP have full custody of him.

His dad's second marriage falling apart, dad not being able to pay the fees and having to leave the school will have an even worse effect on the child than moving in y8...

I really feel for you SS but he chose to come and live with you - it should have been made clear to him that would mean a change of school.

It does seem like all of the priorities are going to the elder son and you and your child are being told to just suck it up.

Not fair at all.

Also, the child doesn't start exams for another 18 months - better to move him now than leave it closer to years 10/11, where the exam prep really ramps.

Coming from private, he is likely to deal with the move academically with no issues.

Have you thought about enrolling him in some weekend sports clubs in your area? If he met a few new local friends he may be more willing to move schools.

@Muddybooties You assume places near the school are cheaper, what if it a more expensive part of the country?
The dad would, in case of a split, have to pay OP off, have half of the house value elft, and would still have to find a place near an expensive catchent area (places around good schools tend to be more expensive)

Why would OP be spending even 2 hours in the car (not to mention 4-5) of the child can go to a near school and walk? You seem to rofget the said child also wants to spend time with school friends and go to acivities, which means hours of hanging around and waiting or driving them at the weekend, taking them to birrthdays etc. Dad seems to be already tired and pissed off. They have a small baby. Maybe OP does not want to spend hours a day driving when there is an easier solution.

Why are you so hell bent on minimising the effect of the whole situation on mental health of everyone in this family? Do you think them arguing and being pissed off is good for the older child?

You say she should contribute to the life of this child - SHE ALREADY IS! It's just the commute is taking an unreasonable amount of time and money which they cannot afford. Maybe the mother of the actual child could step up, or maybe you could finance their move to the place near the work if you are so invested into it.

I am doing supply teaching atm- the form class I have (Y8 too coincidentally) has got 4 new kids this year. They are all surviving and doing fine. One moved once in y7 and now again in y8. Doing great. It's really not that unusual to change schools, the child will be fine.