Why are you awful?

[ppppoff]

Aibu to ask why you are awful?

I have friends and a good family who I get on with 99% of the time (I think) and like to think of myself as a very normal person but I defiantly have my flaws that I am trying to recognise and own.

I've rubbed some people up the wrong way this week by my inability to apologise when I make a mistake. It is absolutely the worst possible thing when someone points out a mistake I have made or criticise me. I know I hold some childhood trauma of criticism and I get a physical reaction when it happens in adulthood and I quickly try to deflect and manipulate situations to try and wriggle my way out of holding my hands up and saying 'yep, sorry'

I also think I have a tight grip of control over others peoples ideas. I really back myself and believe my ideas to be correct unless someone gives me a watertight alternative that I can't find fault with. If someone's idea has cracks in it, I will usually dismiss it and just bound ahead with my own. I know this pisses people off but I'm so scared of going with perceived cracked ideas as I'm convinced they will fail.

Would just love to know what other failings you recognise in yourself to make me feel like I'm not a horrid person?

I have loads

I am self involved, live alone and protect my peace
I am selfish with my time. I want to spend it alone by myself
I get annoyed when my mum asks me to show her how to use the internet ☺️
I hate being “perceived”… if I’m at work making lunch and someone comes and talks to me I would rather abandon my lunch and walk away
I lie about really random non important things like what I had for my tea or if I went to the gym, but when something important or devastating happens I keep it to myself

I often wonder if I’m a sociopath but I feel everything so deeply, that I’m sure I’m not 🤨

I'm perfect.

It's everyone else that's awful.

😉

When people piss me off or hurt me I don't say anything at the time because I avoid conflict to a ridiculous degree. However if something bad happens to them later on (illness , redundancy, relationship breakdown or whatever) I am pleased. There is a tiny, spiteful, deeply hidden part of me that thinks they deserve it because they displeased me at some point in the past.

No one knows I do this, not even my best mate of 50 years or my DH of nearly 40 years. I keep it secret because it's ridiculous and shameful.

@Middleagedmeangirls It's not all that abnormal to feel happy at others' misfortunes, especially if they've wronged you in the past.

Awful of course, but not unusual.

I'm a snob. I'm not entirely ashamed of it, partly because I don't let it show, but I judge people on accent and appearance a lot. Not so much working class people, more chavvy nouveau riche types.

I'm intelligent and driven, but like the OP I sometimes don't have that much time for others' ideas. I'm working on that, though.

I'm very vain and am afraid of losing my looks. I was a model in my teens and I am now in my early forties, I strive to keep slim and look very good, but I know that looks don't last forever and I sometimes wish I wasn't so looks focused (although to be fair to me, I am far more judgemental of my own appearance, especially my weight, than I am of other people's. I am judgy about tacky clothing and bad plastic surgery, but not of things that are outside people's control.)

@Ohforfox are you me?

This is a most enjoyable thread!

I have very little sympathy for moany, negative people. I make sympathetic noises, but inside I'm thinking "get over yourself". I hate ditherers, I'm extremely decisive so can't understand how people agonise over choices, especially minor ones. Just pick something!! I drive too quickly (cos I like it). I think (know!) that I'm cleverer than most other people. I'm stubborn. I don't dwell on things much and don't usually bear grudges, but get on my shit list and you're there for ever, and I will be full of glee if karma gets you.

This is the best thread in a long time.
I want to add negative, selfish and intolerant to my list.
Just when I think I’ve covered my worst faults I read another post and think ‘ooo I do that too!’ 👍🏼

I could have written all of this. Every single one of these describes me to a T, even the lying. For me I am 99% sure it's a trauma response, I've been subject to abuse of all kinds since I was an infant and have a real fear of people and a deep sense of shame about my self.

I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and complex trauma (not sociopath but EUPD/BPD) and I'm in treatment for this. I'm going a little better with the lying, but still very guarded about getting people in and feel a resentment when my space is invaded.

Of course even without the trauma I might have been an introvert who prefers their own space but my actual anxiety when people get too close and fear they will abandon or hurt me is such a strong reaction I am pretty sure it's more to do with that, and the fact that because of what I've been through I have become fearful of depending on others and fill the emptiness within with solitary activities which I'm fairly obsessive about. I fear being engulfed by people and losing myself in them. I wasn't able to set boundaries for myself for much of my life. Interestingly when I was younger I would feel lonely a lot and hated my own company, feeling the need to find someone who I would cling on to (alternating with distancing myself or sabotaging the relationship). I still feel insecure but I don't feel a need to be around people it fixate on one special favourite person anymore. But it has made me possibly too cold around others. I'm trying to find the balance here.

I feel more at peace with my 'awful' traits after reading this. What a refreshingly honest thread.

You sound a LOT like me.

Waves

BPD 'sufferer' too. Stick with the therapy. I cope so much better now but it is a process.

None of your 'symptoms' make you awful, by the way. We are a product of the way we were treated. Keep walking.

Haha, if we met in real life, we would probably either get on marvellously or detest each other!!! No middle ground!

I was in the PDSA with my cat and honestly better inspiration to clean up one's lifestyle etc can probably not be found anywhere. I was sat opposite a family who were all 'fatspo.' Also, everyone there is slobbily dressed and well rough looking. I like to think I'm not that rough looking lol. But best to see it as inspiration to clean up one's act physically, rather than judging as such.

Interestingly when I was younger I would feel lonely a lot and hated my own company, feeling the need to find someone who I would cling on to (alternating with distancing myself or sabotaging the relationship). I still feel insecure but I don't feel a need to be around people it fixate on one special favourite person anymore. But it has made me possibly too cold around others. I'm trying to find the balance here.

Hi there @Celticliving , I have some BPD traits. For me Covid helped me learn to like my own company. DBT did nothing for me really, but I highly recommend EMDR to address the trauma at the root of the issues. It has a knock on effect of improving so many things.

Thanks so much. It helps to know I'm not alone though I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

It's an awful, awful disorder. But there is so much help out there.

Haha yeah!Or be like BFFs one second and at each others' throats the next!

Sounds like you're doing well!

I have pyscho-dynamic therapy and it worked so well for me.

I definitely have fall-backs. Many of them. But I cope with them so much better.

This is probably not the best place to admit this, but...

I can feel quite superior for being child free and don't understand why people want children. When I see, usually mums, with out of control kids or a whole pack of them, I feel quite smug in my quiet, footloose and fancy free life.

I love my animals more than 99.9% of people.

I can be quite fake, especially at work. I have no interest in most of my colleagues but act like I'm super interested in their kids, holidays, weekends etc.

I also do minimal work but want maximum praise and salary.

As soon as I know someone's a cat person I will hold them in higher regard than everyone else.

I don't forgive or forget. And I'm so mad that an ex bf died before I got my revenge.

I judge people who can't dance. I also judge fat people even though I'm not exactly skinny myself.

I judge people who write draws instead of drawers, brought rather than bought and farther in place of father.

Fuck me, I'm awful ☠️

@RecoveringBorderline You're trying to improve, that's what counts. There are so many people content to carry on living in a way that's destructive to others etc. All we can do is try our best to improve.

I had a 'best friend' with borderline and she made a play for my boyfriend because that's how she used to get her ego boost. She tried to sabotage my relationship in all sorts of ways, too, because she wanted me single so we could go out on the town all the time etc.

As long as we're trying our best not to be that person- that's what's important.

And of course, bonus points for taking care of our health and wellbeing, too.

Haha I struggle to believe there's more than one of us 🤣

I constantly interrupt people when they're talking, I really do make an effort to not do it, but then I don't listen. I'm just waiting for them to stop talking so that I can talk.

I love gossip, but pretend I don't. I listen avidly then act nonchalant about what I've just heard, but I'm absolutely desperate to go and tell someone else.

I love bitching but make sure I always say something really reasonable towards the end so I don't come off as the bad person.

Just silly things that I try to be more aware of, but I accept my flaws.

OP I used to try and wriggle myself out of trouble when I'd made a mistake also so I didn't have to say sorry. Then I decided to give it a go, people tend to be so nice when you apologise and admit you messed up - I actually quite like doing it now haha.

I'm a drama queen. A bit of a victim sometimes. I look for problems and don't make it easy for myself.

@Beryls I find apologies hard because I associate admitting wrong with punishment, shaming or ridicule. I'm working on overcoming this though. It's like if I admit to myself I've messed up I suddenly flash back to fear and shame so intense I feel utterly worthless and terrified . The dialectical behaviour and trauma therapy I'm having are helping me see that I'm not all evil just because I made a mistake.

@itsallshite me too. Don't intend to but I do end up taking the hardest way out. I make a huge mess out of things!