Why are you awful?

[ppppoff]

Aibu to ask why you are awful?

I have friends and a good family who I get on with 99% of the time (I think) and like to think of myself as a very normal person but I defiantly have my flaws that I am trying to recognise and own.

I've rubbed some people up the wrong way this week by my inability to apologise when I make a mistake. It is absolutely the worst possible thing when someone points out a mistake I have made or criticise me. I know I hold some childhood trauma of criticism and I get a physical reaction when it happens in adulthood and I quickly try to deflect and manipulate situations to try and wriggle my way out of holding my hands up and saying 'yep, sorry'

I also think I have a tight grip of control over others peoples ideas. I really back myself and believe my ideas to be correct unless someone gives me a watertight alternative that I can't find fault with. If someone's idea has cracks in it, I will usually dismiss it and just bound ahead with my own. I know this pisses people off but I'm so scared of going with perceived cracked ideas as I'm convinced they will fail.

Would just love to know what other failings you recognise in yourself to make me feel like I'm not a horrid person?

I’m inflexible and unforgiving. I tend to be very “my way or the highway”, and if plans aren’t going the way I want, I just opt out and do what I want on my own. I also cannot stand dependency in either direction. I won’t ask for help, and if I feel someone is relying on me too much or being clingy, I run for the hills.

I also hate confrontation and talking about my feelings, so if any of the above issues surface, I’ll deny/avoid them until I’m so pissed off the situation is unrecoverable.

Throughout my adult life, my romantic relationships have ruled my mood and overall mindset. Even when I've been single (rare), I've always had a crush, and men are where I'd say 75% of my emotional energy has gone. I know why I'm like this (childhood issues) but it's still present and I'm getting more and more resentful of my own tendency to hand men the control to my happiness.

I think you are missing the point of the thread. 🙄

Interesting.
I lack ambition and motivation. I don't like leaving my (very comfortable) comfort zone.
I used to be a terrible gossip but have reigned it in, in recent years. I know it's not fair to talk about others and it bakes me look bad.

As I’ve aged I’ve become a bit of a control freak but I think it comes from having had children, so running a house/work/activities etc, but now the kids are adults I’ve nothing to organise.
And I don’t put up with crap anymore. If I do t want to do something I don’t, and I call people out on their lies.

The fact that you are critically looking at yourself and your behaviour, trying very hard to be honest with yourself and being open to change speaks volumes about what a decent person you are.
Try reading or listening to A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It's life hanging wrt understanding our ego and the role it plays in our behaviour and how we relate to the world.

No judgement as this was me. But just so you know, I stopped drinking and my life got a lot better and I bet yours would too.

Oops sorry, that was a reply to the lone parent of 3 kids drinking too much wine

I’d rather be two faced than speak up. So wishy washy and a complete coward.

Currently, I’m harbouring rage against a friend who often makes sly digs about my nationality. She also knows she’s doing it but can’t help herself. I let it go as we’re part of a wider group of girls and I don’t want to upset the apple cart and involve anyone else. In my head I have demoted her to acquaintance and she will pay for making me upset in another way. I know she and her husband really enjoy the four of us going out together (as I do but have always had to let the frequent comments she makes slide) but I’m phasing it out now. I’ve enough. They’ve fallen out with most of their other friends (for other reasons).

But I am a bloody coward and she possibly won’t connect the comments and us being too busy in future. Or maybe she will. She knows she’s doing it. I’ll see her when I see the rest of the girls but not the four of us.

This happens to me, too.

I make a new friend and think "gosh, she's great. Love her."

Over time I begin to think she's a bit of an arsehole or whatever and while I do continue the friendship it's very superficial. They don't know how I really feel. Most of my friendships are like this. Apart from family. I adore my family.

Is this what "familiarity breeds contempt" means?

Me too

I dislike people and think most of them are lazy, stupid and wrong. I infinitely prefer cats.

I have a very low tolerance of anything I perceive of as weakness and little to no empathy.

I think most acts of social conformity are stupid and judge people who go along with them.

I'm highly egotistical and the poster girl for 'Main Character Syndrome'.

On the plus side, I'm extremely generous with both time and money, incredibly resilient, excellent in a crisis and I make a world-class fish pie (nobody is all bad, after all!).

Some of you sound like psychopaths tbh 😂

Yep, me too. I can be extremely kind and compassionate (honest!) but I get extremely irritated by navel-gazing, self-obsession and people for whom life is sooooooo haaaaaaard alllllllll the tiiiiiiiiiime.

My ideas of "right" are very rigid, and when I see someone has done something not "right" I really struggle to not be completely zoned in on that and removing myself from that situation and shutting them out.

For example, a person who I had considered a friend, her car went into the garage to be fixed. She was advised that the fix was temporary. A week later, she sold the car.
She just had the view that it was someone else's problem then.

And I'm an interrupter. I try not to be but if someone is saying something interesting I get excited and want to join in! if I'm not interrupting you I'm probably not that interested in your conversation

And I'm definitely hugely judgemental. And gossipy. And I don't make enough effort with my friends. And I'm a bit of an aspirational middle-class twat at times (would never say toilet, serviette or settee).

I silently judge fat people.

Jesus Christ. Pretty sure you're in the wrong job. And maybe I am..we should switch!

@AffIt I love fish pie. Do you put prawns in it?

I can be very manipulative. I’m good at it so do it more than is right.

I don't think I am but I think others may think I am because I am really unsociable and I don't like to chat irl. I find people annoying and prefer to avoid them as much as possible irl because I can't interact wholly on my terms like I can online.

Bottle things up rather than talk about it politely and assertively. I actually can take feedback and find it useful to improve the way I behave, as long as it’s constructive and not bitchy.

Sometimes act like an overexcited puppy, too cheerful and too much energy. So I try to work out until I am tired as many times as I can and tone down the excitement.

I bitch about so many people, then I feel bad. I think I will end up a nasty bitter old lady.

I try to remind myself I can't be that bad, I paid for an old lady's car parking the other day as it was card only and she only had cash, I didn't take the cash. I take mum to her various medical appointments at least twice a week. I took my MIL out for lunch last week for her birthday, even though she moaned and was miserable.

Do they cancel each other out? will I go to heaven or hell?

I'm polite to a fault, but can be so passive aggressive when I choose. It's so ingrained. I was once described as 'so polite, but so cutting' I put that down to years of an abusive marriage where I was unable to express my emotions. Possibly.

I was a terrible gossip, I admit, but I've stopped that in recent years. You can't trust the people involved in gossip, and that included me.

And I'm a bit of an aspirational middle-class twat at times (would never say toilet, serviette or settee).

Neither do I, though I'm not aspirational MC. I confess that I inwardly wince when someone says 'pardon' when they haven't heard you. It was one of those forbidden words as a child. An old acquaintance said she'd rather her child said 'fuck' than pardon.

I do a lot of internal judging and I'm very critical. I feel guilty for thinking like that but don't seem able to help it.