To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

My Mum and step Dad did this. I was pregnant with my 2nd dc. My sister and step siblings told them it was daft. I said nothing. 18 years on and my Mum is bed bound with carers and they are too far away for us to offer much help. My step Dad is tied to caring for her and has no respite. I’m trying to persuade them to move back home. All of their children and grandchildren are back home. It’s early days but I think they are giving it some thought. They are 2.5 hours away

I have no interest in treating my Mum like a childminder, she offered to spend time with her grand-daughter by looking after her once a month whilst I worked (sometimes I admit it is twice if my working days get moved for something important, but it's very infrequent), and we love having her here. If she didn't want to do it, or couldn't, she can just say so. She has done, in fact, when she went on holiday, or was busy with a volunteering role, on a couple of the days we 'needed' her help, so we just popped DD into nursery.

It's literally one day a month, she isn't here 2/3 times a week babysitting whilst I'm at work or out having fun or whatever 🤣.

YABU purely down to the fact that you listed the loss of childcare first.
Missing seeing your mum was secondary.

She deserves to go where she wants,good for her. My younger daughter and her family travel a lot and may very well go and live abroad. I would not be consulted and wouldn't expect to be. Your mum probably wants a change, an adventure before she gets too old.I would do the same if I could afford to.
I think it's very positive if children go and spread their wings,confidently. Equally it's been hard for me to establish a life as an individual not just mum...single mum at that...a nd not just an appe ndage to the children's life.
The time will fly and you will be enjoying visits,both ways.

Yeah this literally just isn't true at all but OK 👍🏻

I understand where you're coming from but I suppose all you can do is support her decision and hope she moves back. She will probably regret it if she doesn't at least give the move a go.

It is a long journey though, especially when you have a newborn as it's unsafe to keep them in a carseat for long. I've moved to N.Ireland and my family live in England. We get the ferry to Scotland and it's a 3.5 hour drive from there but it takes closer to 6 hours as I stop 3 times for my 2 year old to walk around. I'm due my second child next year so I won't be going for at least 6 months as it isn't safe to keep a newborn in the carseat for that long in one day.

Your reaction was only natural, and she should have half expected it. I think she must have been building up to telling you for some time, and is probably dreading leaving you all behind as you are all that’s keeping her living near you, and didn’t want to be given a guilt complex to spoil her excitement and remind her of what she’ll be missing out on.

Make peace with her as soon as you’re ready, explain you were in shock at initial news, hence your reaction, but of course support her plans, as you understand she must do what makes her happy.

I agree. The way some posters on this thread are writing anyone would think OP's Mum is 95 with advanced dementia. Maybe she wants to fulfil a dream before she gets too old to do so?

I don't live in the UK, and find all this talk about how hard life will be on the coast odd. People here generally live wherever they want to live, and towns here are further apart than they are in the UK and many people live quite some way from a major hospital. People often also live far away from their families, in some cases in a different country, but make it work. I just don't understand this having to live cheek by jowl with your family that I see so often on MN.

You feel how you feel, but it isn’t kind to inflict those feelings on your mum.

So yes, you are being unreasonable to do that.

You sound very mean!

I have a couple of perspectives on this scenario..

1. My DS GPs and other family live approx same distance from us, involves going over Dartfotd crossing, we rarely manage it in less than 5 hours, often 8. Been stuck on the Dartford bridge for hours several times. With a squeely child at midnight it's really no fun. Now, if we were to arrive after 10pm, we split the journey and stay in a lodge somewhere.
2. We'd love to move nearer but about £200k more to buy a house there than where we are, ie double.
3. Inlaws are getting older, fortunately SIL is very proactive about their needs, no idea how they'd manage without Sil and her DC.
4. They live in what's considered a retirement town with reasonable transport links as they drive less now, and lots to do, decent healthcare etc.
5. My dad retired to a different coast in similar circs about 30 years ago, he was 120m away and I had to spend nearly every weekend there towards the end (died 20 yrs ago) . It was a logistic nightmare and I used to have to do on line shops and arrange them to be delivered as I arrived etc. Relied on good friends and neighbours to do day to day care. The more local you can be, the better from this perspective.
6. Yes it'd be great to keep DM more involved in grandkids, and actually I think she'll regret moving far away, especially when it's about reviving memories of a place she used to live/visit. Be supportive of her needs, whatever they are (talk!). And keep as close as you can within your ability as a parent of 2 (good wishes with that btw). Distance is shocking for loosing contact.

I think you are right to be sad, and its a real shame for you all.
I hope there is another, better way, to meet everyone's needs.

@Beentheredonethat123 It's pretty clear that she mentioned childcare beause anyone who's spent any time on mumsnet knowns that "you just want childcare" is the first thing everyone comes out with.

I feel for you OP. My DM moved abroad 20 years ago and I was happy for her that she was going to have a better life. But it saddens me that she doesn’t have the relationship with my children that I had hoped she would or that my MIL does. She comes over occasionally and I’ve never made her look after my children and I’ve bent over backwards to make it as nice and easy a trip as possible. But she just doesn’t seem interested in these amazing human beings we have in our life and that saddens me. But, if she’s happy that’s fine. I feel like she’s missing out but she’s a grown adult able to make her own choices. It makes me very determined to ensure I am in a position to be the kind of nanna my MiL is vs DM however.

Yes, but I'm from the states which is why 200 miles doesn't really feel like that far and why I say the UK is tiny, considering it's smaller than the state I grew up in.

The size of a place and how many people live there are 2 different things, but that aside, who is saying to go every weekend? Who in their right mind wants their grand kids coming around every weekend, esp when they are trying to move further away for some peace and quiet?

I agree with you - up to a point. Parents have a responsibility to bring their children to adulthood, and also to show care and support onwards. HOWEVER, they don't have to give up the rest of their lives, and their dreams, for their adult children. It is beyond ridiculous to suggest that they do.

The area I live is a huge favourite holiday destination and we have a lot of people up sticks away from family and move here as they have holidayed here. It’s by the sea! In my job I deal with lots of people who moved here to retire far away from family because they always loved their holidays and dreamed of living here! These people are lonely, struggle greatly once they start to need help as family so far away and life becomes complicated for all the family. Whilst your mum is relatively independent it’s great but you say her mobility is affected so this will not help and may get worse. I don’t know if you live in a city but pretty, rural areas have poor infrastructure and a reduced availability of services to help if people need help. I think your mum is imagining a quiet life by the sea and not the reality which is very different. I think renting somewhere could be a good idea or easier would be a 3 month air bnb if you can get one. Get her to research the area, what groups there are like lunch clubs, film clubs etc so she can make friends and ask important things like availability of doctors, dentists, what public transport is like (it’s terrible where I live) as there will be a time she will need this.
supermarkets near by? How will she get to hospital appointments?
its all very well living for today but you also have to keep an eye on the future sadly especially as we get older
I could go on but in view of my experience I think your mum needs to think very very carefully.
Has she gone on holiday herself here? If not she should out of season!!

Hope this helps

What is the cost of a flight?

YANBU to feel sad. It will change your relationship sadly.
My parents lived 10 minutes away from me but my mum always wanted to live by the sea. They are now an hour drive away, which although not that far is nothing like the 10 minutes it used to be. As they get older, although they love where they live, they are starting to show signs of regret.

I hope you can find a way to keep your closeness

I know people are saying it’s only 260 miles, people do it all the time and it’s worked out fine, she might not need any care, etc., all good points. But the worrying issues in this case are a) OP’s mum is single, so no spouse to talk to or lean on on lonely days, b) she can’t drive and these areas are often poorly served by public transport, and c) she’s already needed medical intervention which impacted her mobility. Her situation is vastly different to a healthy and active couple in their late 50’s/early 60’s with at least one drivers licence between them moving to this sort of location.

When people talk about future proofing it doesn’t mean keeping the numbers of the nearest care agencies on speed dial, it’s more like “if I fall and it’s an eight hour wait for an ambulance who can I ask for help?”, “if the buses are cancelled how can I get to my hospital appointment?”, “If there’s a spate of bad weather again who can help me get essentials in or check on me?”.

DH and his brother both live several hours away from MIL but we’re very fortunate that she has other younger relatives and friends close by who are happy to help in an emergency until either brother can get to her. To move away from any sort of safety net or established social network is baffling, it can all change so quickly at that stage of life. Five years ago MIL was 72 and happily flitting around the world, until she had a bleed on the brain during a cruise around SW Asia. That stopped her driving and impacted her sight, so her mobility and ability to travel have been substantially curtailed. It’s the security provided by the people around her and her life long familiarity with the area that have kept her as independent as she is.

Try to be happy for her. She may go and move back in a couple years and she'll still have the experience of living there.

I lived on the water a few times now and no regrets.

To give you some background, it's an abusive marriage. I was very very lucky to have a darling maternal grandmother who kindly pulled me aside one day and told me to get away from the abuse once I got older. I didn't, of course, until one day in my 40s when my parents were over from Australia on a visit. They'd been fighting for the ten days they were over and I finally told them that they couldn't behave like this as they were in someone's home and grandchildren were present.

They walked out and I've not seen them in seven years. I've had YEARS of abuse from them.

I am so lucky they left me in peace.

How old is your mum OP? At the moment you could do with her support, but it’s surprising how quickly time flies and the tables turn. She might miss out on the convenience of having a close family on the doorstep to support her when she needs help one day.

I was really surprised when my MIl and Fil moved to Ireland when I was expecting their first grandchild. Now I am retired I fully understand why.
after a life of work and providing everything for their children and caring for their parents in old age, now is the time to share enjoying each other.
allow and support your mum to have this “ me time”

I missed this yesterday. Thankfully you were not my parent nor I your child. My parents thought the best thing they could do for my siblings and I was to encourage us to be independent and follow our dreams/ambitions/lives. They were there for me if I needed them, but they had their work, other family & interests. And we had ours. Someone recently said to me that I had led an interesting life - now I don't think of mine in that way - but yes with my parents support I took every and any opportunity I was given. And I encourage my DC to do the same. Not all about money or wealth but the chance to try new things. I remember meeting a friend of my ex-H - he and his wife lived in the same village/town suburb as both sets of parents. We visited for a weekend and we had to go and meet the parents. That level of contact was claustrophobic. I am there for my DC until I die but I want my DC to know that other people, including older people, have lives to live and dreams to action. Life doesnt revolve around them only.