To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

Selfish? Yes heaven forfend she put herself first for once.

I think the issue is that the only one the mum can rely on when she has major surgery is OP, as has been proven.

If her mum needs similar care again, it’s likely she will expect OP to provide care.

With such a distance between them, this is going to make things really difficult for OP.

I’m guessing this is why pp said it’s selfish.

I didn’t think you sounded mean at all

@wesurecouldstandgladioli why would she? And why would the OP agree if she did? If the OP and her family wanted to move 200 miles away from her mum, would you or the other naysayers on here be telling her she couldn't possibly do it as her mother might need care some time in the future? Bollocks you would. You'd be telling her to think of her own family and future first.

Fwiw OP my mum's best and oldest friend moved 250 miles away from her family to the coast when she lost her husband. She's the happiest she's been in years.

Why would she what? Expect OP to help? Because that’s what happened when the mum had major surgery, no one helped except OP. And no one helped when the grandma needed help, except the mum. Past events are often an indicator of future events. And OP’s brother is going to be reluctant to help as always so it will likely fall to OP to help. This is the reality.

If the OP and her family wanted to move 200 miles away from her mum, would you or the other naysayers on here be telling her she couldn't possibly do it as her mother might need care some time in the future? Bollocks you would. You'd be telling her to think of her own family and future first.

You assume a lot, given I bought a house within 5 minutes walk of my mum to ensure I am always available to her. If you don’t believe me, you can check with HQ, I often post about my mum and her health.

I think it's a bit strange that this has come out of the blue, with no prior discussion.

Has there been some sort of falling out recently or is it possible that you have unwittingly become reliant on her? Alternatively, would your Mum be moving to a cheaper area? Is she finding it difficult to cope financially, and moving somewhere cheaper would give her some extra money? That might explain why she hadn't discussed it beforehand.

I can understand you being very upset about this but perhaps you ought to ask her what has prompted this as it seems quite unusual for someone to move away from close family, particularly when they are getting older.

The seaside can be great for a day out but, as others have said, sometimes it isn't the same if you are there all the time. In winter, coastal resorts can be quite bleak.

For those who see this as an opportunity for Mum, daughter and grandchildren, 200 miles away will severely limit the opportunity for regular visits. Your brother isn't near either so I wonder if your Mum has really thought this through. With the best will in the world, such a distance would make it difficult for you and your brother to support her practically and emotionally if she were to need it.

why would she? And why would the OP agree if she did?

Thats exactly what my dad DID expect! He moved miles away then ended up needing care/help/assistance and I couldn’t help him. I did what I could but with kids and a job I physically couldn’t travel up and down regularly. If he had stayed nearby I definitely could have helped with some things. Yet he still got upset about it. This is the issue- when you are feeling unwell, in pain and completely alone, you don’t tend to think rationally. All you want is someone familiar to help you. Unfortunately, decisions have consequences and sometimes we don’t realise the full extent of those consequences until it’s too late. Many people have posted similar instances in this thread which is why it’s good to consider what may happen in the future. Especially considering the OPs mum already has limited mobility.

the OP wrote this because if she hadn’t there would’ve been 300 posts telling her that all she cared about really was childcare. She couldn’t win either way.

My parents moved overseas for work shortly after I left home. When they retired I had 2 small children who they adored, and I figured they would move back to the UK and live near us. I was sad that they instead chose to live 6 hours away, but it was fine when they were relatively young and healthy. Latterly their health declined significantly and it was impossible for me to have any useful part in their day to day care.

If her mum needs similar care again, it’s likely she will expect OP to provide care.

Well she can expect all she likes!

If she is too far away Op simply cannot get to her regularly & if moving in isn't a possibility then that's that!

Maybe she didn't expect Op to help before & Op was happy to as she could?

It’s reaching a bit to assume mom will need care and working with two young kids how much care could op offer anyway.

Some people only need care right at the end and it’s too complex to be provided by family anyway.

Adults can’t tell other adults what to do, it’s patronising.

She says that by way of explanation but clearly her primary concern us for her own needs and how her mother services those. She just isn't able to admit it to herself.

Maybe she would prefer a few good years of living her best life and then having strangers care for her at the end; rather than more years doing the same thing and then her dd looking after her at the end.

@MaisyAndTallulah How remarkably nasty. Where is this coming from?

Why is it so impossible that OP is feeling disappointed that she (and her daughter) won't get to see her mother as often? That it is because she cares about this relationships?

I'm a granny and left my adult children (previously at home with us) living in the city almost 20 years ago so that we could help them to become independent and get their first homes before they married and had children.

3 years ago we moved back to be closer so that we could help when asked and build a relationship with the GC. I should add that we are asked if we can babysit and arrange childcare to suit both us and their working lives.
We like living in an urban area with good transport and amenities and love living near our family. Generally I find it hard to understand why people want to move to a new area when they are getting older and less able, especially if they're leaving their friends and family network, local amenities and good transport.

Seaside towns in particular can be like ghettos for the elderly - though not all, of course - and there is huge demand for such care services as are available. The idea of the @DontGoGran's mother renting a property in the new area makes a lot of sense.
One thing I must say is that we do not expect our children to drop everything to care for us if we are unlucky enough to become infirm. We hope that we have enough resources to be able to pay for carers if necessary, though if we have a good relationship with our family we hope they will help us with the arrangements. The idea of travelling 260 miles with young children is daunting and I'm not surprised that the OP is upset. Niggling at the back of my mind is the thought that her mother actually didn't do a lot of childcare anyway so it is unfair to suggest that is why she is moving.
One of my GM lived a fair way away when I was a child and we didn't see them often but we were very fond of them.

There's a shortage of carers in these areas as well, it's not just 'get carers in and pay', there's a lack of them, same as the hospitality trade as these are expensive places to live and low waged carers suffer.

I do think people are being harsh on the OP. She has explained repeatedly that she's not upset about the loss of (a fairly negligible amount of) free childcare, but because of the loss of proximity to her mum, both for herself and her daughter. The fact that she mentioned her mum's coming round to help out first is not really the crucial point.

In your shoes, I would be worried about my mum becoming unwell or unsteady, and my being too far away to be of practical use without creating massive stress on everyone. I don't blame you for being sad.

Lovely balanced perspective. Still think your DM is mad OP! I can’t think of anything worse than leaving my kids 100s of miles away. Especially aged 70!! Does she think she’ll live forever?

It’s in this decade that often problems start. I’d give her two years tops before the chickens come home to roost. Poor both of you.

I feel so sad reading this thread.

Essentially a woman’s life is spent caring for her family and at a time when she can focus on herself, her goals and dreams, she’s considered to be selfish or mad to want to do that because it’s an inconvenience to her kids if she needs help and support.

Like as a mother it’s our job to put everyone else before our own needs and wants.

What a depressing state of affairs.

You do realise that the person who stands to be most inconvenienced if she needs help and support is DM herself? What with her moving several hours away from the one family member who's shown any willingness to provide it, to a place where it cannot be assumed the necessary services will be easily available.

Yes, but @TrashedSofa , that's her business and decision to make.

You do realise that the person who stands to be most inconvenienced if she needs help and support is DM herself? What with her moving several hours away from the one family member who's shown any willingness to provide it, to a place where it cannot be assumed the necessary services will be easily available.

As a grown adult that's her choice to make. Of course the OP can tell her mum that living a couple of hours away and having a family of her own means she cannot drop everything to attend appointments/ care for her physically etc. I imagine that her mum already realises that.

So many people on this thread assume that the OP's mum mustn't have put any consideration into what may happen in the future and there is nothing the OP has said that indicates this.

I wonder when in her life it would have been allowed for her to do what she wants and live where she wants? Or as a woman she must put everyone else first eh?

Precisely this, it’s as though there is an assumption that because she is a certain age, she’s lost the ability make decisions for herself.

Yes, obviously that's her choice to make. It's hardly as if the third trimester OP is going to try and physically prevent her. But pointing out that very obvious fact doesn't address the question of whether this is a bad idea, of whether it actually does constitute DM prioritising her own needs (and this point also applies to @marmaladeandpeanutbutter.

Additionally, this idea that we can't possibly know if DM has put any thought into this won't wash, because her own actions tell us that either she hasn't or she decided it didn't matter. We have clear information that she is already losing mobility, she's going on her own and she's moving 200 miles and several hours away from the only relative who's willing to help with elderly care. That, plus knowing how far services for older people are already fraying in our coastal towns is amply sufficient to make it clear that this is a plan that's seriously missing consideration for the future.

Those of you who think you're sticking up for DMs wellbeing here are glossing over what could realistically be a very significant problem. Sometimes, people are not best served by simply smiling and nodding, and certainly not by saying they've got the right to make a decision as though that actually constitutes a meaningful response.

You need to understand the distinction between whether someone can make a decision for herself and whether the decision she makes does actually best serve her own interests. They are two very different things.

Personally I think it's pretty sad that some of you are so dismissive of the potential problems in store here, as though it's merely a matter of a bit of inconvenience.

I would say exactly the same if she were a man , in fact many of the examples quoted on this thread are of men who have moved away from family and support . I am really not sure that people generally have grasped the crisis in social care which is out there. The old adage ‘fail to plan; plan to fail’ is profoundly true about any decisions people should be making once they reach 65 ( or younger if they gave an ongoing health condition) .

This does not mean giving up all your dreams but it does mean making sensible decisions in the knowledge that aging is a certainty and more and more people are living longer but also living with long term needs . Social care is only available at the extreme, sadly there is an assumption that people have to cope with what family support they have. It’s all very well saying she might not need help, but the odds are very much against that