To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

Parents have zero rights to expect anything from their children as they did not ask to brought into this world but parents have a lifetime responsibility to their kids as they decided to bring them into the world.

I can understand she wants an adventure, but agree with others that coastal life as an elderly person can be tough.

Can you suggest she tests the water by renting her house out for a year and renting by the coast?

I've family who've recently cancelled coastal move plans as they realised in just enough time, that it wasn't for them. Luckily they hadn't put their place on the market already.

My ex fil moved to the coast 10 years ago.

He's now gravely ill, alone and miserable, unable to access the limited support available locally, hospitals are small and non-specialist, and it's a proper ballache for his family to visit.

Your mum isn't future-proofing. Yes it's sad that she's moving so far away from you but don't sell it like that cause she'll put the barriers up. I'd be sowing a seed that her health/independence will never be as good as it is now. Let that sit for a while.

My parents did this. They moved thousands of miles away for 'the sun' but they haven't managed to make friends and lack a supportive network.

I was very upset when they moved as I valued family relationships and they just dropped the move casually in conversation.

15 years on they are isolated, fighting, unhappy, one's an alcoholic.

I'm so lucky they left me in peace.

I totally get you being upset OP, we've just had a recent thing happen to us.

Ultimately though you ARE being selfish. She is older now &clearly wants a quiet life. Try and look on the positive...Nice breaks for free by the coast

The trouble is that 'future proofing' can be very hard to do. What if Mum decides to cancel her move and stay near her daughter, so daughter can 'care for her' in the future, but daughter has a baby which - God forfend - needs a high degree of care? Or her husband, or present child becomes incapacitated and needs round the clock care? Will she expect to run herself absolutely ragged caring for everyone?

Nobody knows what the future holds. Mum might never develop any health conditions which need care. She might be able to afford carers. She might already have thought about this (she's hardly moribund).

Of course you are not unreasonable to be upset at the thought of your mother moving to such an awkward spot, but it is her decision to make.

Tell her you will support her decision but realistically you will visit infrequently because of the distance, time and cost but hopefully she will be able to make the trip.

None of my children ever travelled well.
It was a dose i the car with them.
Headaches, nausea, complaining🙄, they absolutely hated it.

As young adults they are not much better if it tips 3-4 hours.

So be honest with her and spell it out.

Also what are local services like should she need help?
She has recently needed your support, who would she call on in a similar situation?
I would investigate the provision of services for the elderly locally to her.
They are often very poor and oversubscribed.
It is often family, friends and neighbours that fill the gaps.

My friends parents sold up and moved 6 hours away to their favourite coastal area home 20 years ago and got very pissy with her and her two siblings when it was made crystal clear that one of them wouldn't be visiting with their young children every couple of weeks.

They had their own lives, work, small children and had zero intention of doing such a trip regularly.

The parents were genuinely surprised and they had extra bedrooms but still it was considered too far.

They really loved their parents but when you are working, have young children, are getting broken sleep with them, facing into a journey like on a regular basis is a non starter for many, it certainly was for my friend.

I think the suggestion of your mum trying it out, perhaps renting a room, might be a very good idea.

Making friends as you age and building community supports is not always easy.

It would be great if she was open to exploring a trial period.

It is reasonable that you are sad but your mum has her own dreams maybe living near the coast is her dream and she wants to do it whilst she’s healthy and able. She has raised her family and helped you out but now she’s allowed the freedom to move, you can visit and so can she , it’s not the end of the world , don’t be so selfish x

Affordability is very far from being the only issue with carers. There's no guarantee of services and carers actually being there to be bought, and this is a particular concern in seaside towns that attract retirees. Chris Whitty has pointed out just this week that we have a coastal ageing crisis.

Perfectly true - I live somewhere very rural where carers are rare - but we are all plotting Mum's eventual deterioration which may never happen. Plenty of people live hale and hearty into their 80s or older and die suddenly without needing years and years of caring.

Truth = you mentioned childcare first. You’re one of those mums that thinks your mum is supposed to be a child minder. Be honest.

”I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.”

Yes. However, this is an already physically limited woman on her own, so not entirely hale and hearty even now, and there's also a lot of room between able to manage ones whole life independently and needing carers. It's quite conceivable that at home care will never be needed, but the distance from the one relative who's actually prepared to help elderly family becomes a significant problem.

OP with all due respect your mum is a grown woman who has made an independent decision which you should support and respect. You state she supported you singlehandedly when you were young and still does now.
Reciprocate and release her. Personally I do think you should hide how upset you are. Your daughter will always know her grandmother and she has loving parents.

I am the Mum who actually did this OP. The only reason I regretted it was that my family made me feel like shit for going!! I have recently moved back closer to them, although not as close as I was previously, but I did it because I needed to move anyway, due to my original choice of property gradually becoming too big for me to manage, but I would happily have stayed where I was, had I not got so fed up with my long distance move always being blamed for anything that went wrong in the family. If this is what your Mum wants to do, please let her go with your blessing, she may well find that she misses you more than she imagined, in which case it's likely she will move back again, but please don't guilt trip her out of living her dream, even if it only turns out to be for a little while.

I haven't read all of this but it sounds like you and your DD have a lovely relationship with your DM. I think the person who suggested she begins by renting has it right. I live in a desirable coastal area and it is very different out of season. Older people can be quite isolated when the weather is bad and the streets empty. If the area she has chosen is anything like here (SW Cornwall) transport is poor and medical care can be a long way away and over subscribed. Try to repair any damage caused by your lack of enthusiasm for her plan, then offer to help her find rented accommodation so she can really see what it's like. If you really want her to stay, book a long weekend in January in a holiday cottage. If that doesn't put her off, nothing will.

Oh yeah - because OP won't cope without that ONE DAY A MONTH.

Get real.

This🥳🥳🥳

She has every right to move where she chooses. If she’s spent her life putting her family first, then good for her.
you are sounding a little selfish and entitled. Miffed she wants to put her life choices over living close to you and her grandchildren.
Plenty of women, once they get to her stage of life, having put their children/partners first. Try to be happy for her. Don’t make her feel guilty. That’s v selfish. Why are you making her feel guilty. Let her go, with happiness.

@DontGoGran
260 miles is bound to take you over 5 hours, it’s unusual to average more than 50mph. I suggest you look at the AA route planner to get a realistic estimate.

My mum moved 400 miles when DS2 was about a year, when she retired. She moved back to where she'd grown up, but hadn't lived there for 40 ish years. She quickly fell out with her relatives!

She was happy enough there but she had a lot of major health issues and got very upset that my brother and I weren't giving her the level of attention she expected. My brother was living abroad and I had 4 DC, 2 were diagnosed ASD at that point.

Do you think maybe your mum just wants to live out her dream and may come back?

Yes I read that Chris Whitty report which is quite concerning and exactly what your mother needs to know before she makes the move.

The pull of the sea is too vast for many to resist. I grew up on the coast and really detest that I'm nowhere near it now. It's something I really struggle with.

So, I can understand why your Mum wants to live out her days by the sea. There's nothing like that fresh sea air on your daily walks.

Not read the full thread, so not sure if you've said, but have you considered you all moving nearby too? It's amazing for children growing up by the sea.

It’s true, older people should of course make their own decisions. But it is unusual that they live with into their 90s hale and hearty, needing no medical intervention or support. Also there’s the expectation that their grown up kids will be visiting frequently to fit in with a dream that’s not theirs - they can’t if they have ft jobs and kids who are doing stuff at weekends too. My Nan’s generation seemed to be more sensible- they lived their dream but within a reasonable distance of family so they could see the people they love and get the support when the time came. Believe me, if my much loved dm was happy I probably wouldn’t be saying this. But it’s such a common story that it makes sense to future proof as someone said upthread. It’s not that simple that they’ll cheerfully up and move back when they start to get frail. Older people can become very entrenched. I know I may also, I’m not being ageist. Just realistic from my dm’s painful experiences.

It’s ok to feel sad and the changes it will bring but don’t make your mum feel bad about it. I intend to move away in a couple of years and I know my older daughter will find it hard but I want to retire and in order to do that I will move somewhere cheaper. It’s exciting and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve sacrificed a lot with over 30 years of parenting and it’s my time now

Unfortunately, we don't have the money to move to the coast anywhere near where she is looking, it just isn't feasible for us at the moment. We'd have to be really far inland to afford a house similar in size to the one we have now, and we're by no means living in a palace at the moment.

We'd only be able to afford it with inheritance (which I'm not counting on or expecting before anyone jumps down my throat, she can do what she wants with her money, I'm just saying it's the only way we'd afford it), and if we were buying with inheritance, there'd be no point in us being there if you see what I mean!