To be Upset - Mum Selling Her House and Moving 200+ Miles Away

[DontGoGran]

My Mum currently lives about half an hour away from our little family. She pops round often, and usually with just a few hours notice (I'll ring and ask if she wants company and vice versa etc.)

I have one DD(2) and am pregnant with another, due at the end of the year. We rely on my Mum for childcare whilst I'm at work once a month, sometimes twice, (she offered to do this), and she does ad hoc babysitting for DH and I if we want to go out on dates (maybe once every few months). We have no other family nearby. I talk to her every day and see her at least once a week, if not more, she has a great relationship with DD, they adore each other, and DD gets so excited when she knows Granny is coming round. She cries and cries when Granny has to go home, she loves her so much.

My Mum has announced to us all that she is selling her house and moving to live near the coast.

I'm devastated. Not just because of the loss of childcare, because we can sort that out if we need to, but because I will miss my Mum and not being able to see her every week, and I know DD will be so sad too, not being able to see her Granny every week.

Mum is angry at me because I've told her how sad I am that she's leaving, and said I was being selfish. I'm not telling her she can't go, but am I really BU to express my sadness at her leaving and saying we'd miss her?

I had hoped that she would have the same relationship with my girls that I had with my Gran, and I feel so sad that probably won't happen because she'll live so far away that we just won't be able to manage to see her anywhere near as often as we do now.

I feel like my Mum is BU expecting me to just say it's all fine, when I'm so sad I keep crying whenever I think about her being gone.

Exactly. I'm in my 60s and hate the assumption that I'm too feeble minded to know what I want and make my own decisions. It's insulting and infantalizing.

and how somehow we'll regret living for ourselves for a change. I don't expect any of my children to care for me when I can't any longer.

but we're all good for providing endless amounts of childcare and other services and we're selfish cows if we'd rather not.

@RantyAnty yes the OPs mum is hardly seen as a person at all - merely as someone who's going to need care and will be a liability to her family.
No one is guaranteed health or long life. Anyone at any age could have a life limiting disease or disabling accident, whereas OPs mum could happily live for another 25 years without any need for major support at all

But the OPs mother is not providing childcare at least not regularly or out of necessity . And it is not sensible to move somewhere where you know no one when you already have mobility issues .

my parents would have said exactly what you said about not wanting their children to care for them, but , and it’s a big but, there is no alternative . In the last week we have moved one set of parents out of their flooded house ( area has not flooded in 100 years so unlikely to be predicted) , they have as you can imagine needed huge amounts of emotional and practical help. A second set ( 250 miles away) have needed help to sort out a problem with their heating and navigating the hospital booking systems , following an unexpected fall , a third set have a chest infection and need some shopping . None are particularly internet savvy and in our largish coastal town the last physical bank has just announced its closure .

Do you understand the concept of mental capacity? Just because you don’t like a decision someone makes it doesn’t mean they’re wrong to make it.

Im well aware of the potential problems in store as I’m going through it with parents who live a long way away and they went through it with their parents who also lived a long way away. It is their life and their choice and I am pleased that they are living it the way that they want. They deserve it.

Exactly. It's not great how many posters are failing to consider the negative impact on DM herself if she needs support and is several hours away from it. Especially as a woman who's not 70 yet and already her mobility is getting restricted.

You don't seem to understand it very well yourself, if you think disagreement with a decision has anything to do with it.

Really, this segue some of you are taking about rights to make decisions is pointless. There's nothing to suggest OPs mother lacks mental capacity, which would presumably be why she's not even come close to raising that as a question. You are free of course to take the view that any decision made by a capacitous person must automatically be in their interests, but nobody else has to agree with you.

By the way I am almost 60 myself and I will be consciously making choices that enable me to retain maximum independence for as long as possible . Living within easy reach of shops , people who know us, doctors etc my children will likely all have moved away , maybe across the world and I fully intend to travel , have adventures etc but it will not be to move over 100 miles to somewhere without a network of support and easy access to facilities.

No one is suggesting that at all, what I’m saying (I can’t speak for anyone else) is that given that there is no indication that mum lacks mental capacity, she has the right to make whatever decision she wants, whether her family agree with her or not.

It's easy to speculate about the mobility issue as OP hasn't mentioned what it is.

It can't be all that bad if she can provide childcare to a 2 year old.

Everyone knows that, though. DMs basic rights here simply aren't in question. In particular, it doesn't address the point that DM could easily be the person most inconvenienced by her own decision.

yes. And that’s her choice.

Has your mum given some thought about how this will actually work and how future proof (or not it is)? It sounds like you aren’t in a position to follow her there and why should you have to. Is she happy with you not visiting every other month and not going there that regularly? I’m guessing it’s Devon or Cornwall which are lovely parts of the world but expensive to holiday at. Plus who wants to go to the same place each year. What happens as she ages? No one is especially close to provide assistance

My mum lives about 250 miles away and realistically l don’t have the time, energy and bandwidth to swoop up there to resolve crises. I have 2 very young children and work full time plus the journey from my house to her house is a nightmare

Again, everyone knows that. Next up you'll be solemnly telling us which direction the sun rises in.

Ultimately though, if you're going to tell us all how sad you are without even considering a substantial part of DMs interests, expect it to be pointed out how one sided that take is.

You’re making a lot of assumptions here, I’d argue that I’m taking a broader perspective than many of the posters here who are writing off mum’s desires and abilities because of the possibility that she may experience health issues in future.

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Agree heartily with the idea of renting so she can see how she finds it.

You need to also make sure she has a plan in place for her 80s as neither you or your brother will be able to be there in an emergency.

For yourself, just to be prepared, if you both work you'll need some good babysitters on standby as children get ill a LOT in the first years of pre school and school and if you've got two of them there are missed work days every week if you don't have family to rely on (it's a v tough stage!)

Hear hear.

Goodness I wish people would stop with the free childcare thing when that’s clearly not what’s bothering the op.
Im guessing op she wants to take this last chance to do something she always wanted to do. Before very long she may be too old. I’m sure she’s completely over-idealised it but you will have to find a way to accept her decision which I’m sure feels more like a rejection to you. I dont imagine it’s just the logistics or difficult journey that concern you, but the feelings of why-ever would she choose to move to live 5 hours away from her daughter. This must really hurt (I know myself) and I hope you can find a way to come to terms with it.

Again, I'm on the mum's 'side' of the age spectrum here. I agree that Mum has every right to decide to move, whether it's across the street or to Timbuktu.

To me the 'issue' is that actions may have consequences. Being so, it behooves OP to have a very frank discussion with her mother as to what she is or is not willing/able to do in the future. And I mean everything from how often OP & family will visit right now to what OP sees herself as able to do if/when Mum's physical/mental health or her mobility fails to the point of affecting her day to day life.

I've seen some not only in my social group, but years ago in my (late) parent's group make huge assumptions about what their children will do 'when the time comes', from expecting that they'll move in with one of their children to simply assuming that their child to be willing to drive them around, run errands, and 'take care of XX' when they're no longer able to do it themselves. And all of this, without really sitting down with these children and discussing any of it.

And I saw any number of my parent's friends absolutely shocked when the shit hit the fan. Some of them had children who had no intention of being 'carers', others had children who were simply unable to drop everything to help the minute their parents needed help. DH and I were lucky that our parents were close by, had financial resources, and that DH and I had jobs where taking time off with pay was pretty easy. And that my DBro was willing and able to move in with Mum after Dad died. Not everyone was as lucky as I was. I saw some hellacious family 'situations' both with my friends and due to the nature of my work.

For some families this will never come to pass, either because the parent has the resources to pay for their 'needs' or the parent stays 100% healthy until they die. But I have a feeling this is NOT the majority of cases. And it needs to be talked about frankly and often as time passes.

So OP's mum should go ahead and move. OP just needs to be sure Mum understands the ramifications.

It’s worth remembering that the majority of people do not require significant amounts of support or care in old age, and only a small proportion end up in care homes. It’s only if you hit your ‘90s that the chances start to increase, and for the OPs mother that’s 20 years away. So I say let her enjoy the next 20 years…as that’s in her best interests

@AcrossthePond55 You make some very good points.

From the adult child's perspective, it's also really distressing when something happens and you really want to help, but you can't because you have kids in school and a job.

You can't choose not to need help. And the little stuff that services won't help with can end up being big things - like someone feeding the pet bird, or fetching a toothbrush. Stuff like that is easy to problem solve when you are well, but not if you are in pain.

@Tryingtokeepgoing It's not being in care that's the issue. It's the minor things that happen when you're at an age where you are more likely to have little medical things, and when your mobility isn't as good.

The other thing is that people keep posting that people don't owe anything to their grand kids. Yes, that's true - however, we were never meant to raise kids alone. Yes, it does work out fine, but kidsdo benefit from having more supportive adults in their lives. If my kids have kids, I really hope that I get to see them on a regular basis.

This grandma is clearly devoted to her daughter and granddaughter that doesn't mean she has to be there.
Adults benefit from living rich fulfilling lives where they have agency.

Adults do benefit from agency, but study after study shows that what they most benefit from is connection with other people.

My mum made a similar move. The kind of distance that means that you can't visit for a long weekend. That distance actually gets harder once the kids start school, as your time become less flexible.

My mum and my kids care about each other, but they don't know each other, and they aren't there for each other, as they just can't be, seeing each other once a year. I find that really hard.

That’s why I also said that the majority of people don’t need that level of support, and are therefore quite capable of living independently. For those that can’t it can be tough, and tougher sometimes on family (and friends) but again it’s not until people are in their 90s that the likelihood becomes significant enough to actually worry about, IME. Limiting options by assuming the worst doesn’t seem like a particularly rewarding way of spending one’s retirement!!!