To have expected dd to stay home?

[champagnetruffleshuffle]

No one in the family had plans this evening so DH and I decided to have a very rare evening out to the local cinema, leaving dd16 and ds13 at home. Dd16 came downstairs at dinner time saying she wants to go out to a neighbouring town and asked for a lift. We told her our plans and that the film didn't finish until 10.40 pm and we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening.

We arrive home from the cinema to find ds on his own, dd had gone out at 9.45 pm to meet a local friend. She'd snap chatted me telling me whilst we were watching the film with our phones turned off. I turned my phone on when the film finished but my data was still off.

Ds is alright with being at home alone, but dh and I weren't happy as we'd be back quite late and weren't easily contactable.

I'm so cross with her right now. I know he was pretty safe but we made it clear we didn't want him left. AIBU? And wwyd?

YABU - 13 is old enough to be home alone, you can't exorcist 16yo to stay in on a Saturday night
YANBU - She went against our wishes and I'm right to be cross.

Were you paying your 16 year old to babysit her brother? If not I don't think it's fair to tell her she can't go out so you can. DS is your child, your responsibility not your DD's. If you'd ask and she'd said yes, she's happy to stay in, it would have been different. You should ask your DD if she minds babysitting before you make plans to go out yourself.

One thing that I agree is striking, OP, is how much freedom/responsibility your 16yo DD has, and how many expectations are on her, as compared to your 13yo DS.

It's not a huge age difference and yet one is treated essentially as an adult, while the other is treated very much still like a child.

It's part of the.give and take of family life, surely. Mum and Dad don't get out often. It would have been nice if the daughter who does get out a lot had been more cooperative.
Now if Mum and Dad want to go out they will have niggling anxiety that DD can t be trusted.

I’d expect my kids to clean their room or do the dishwasher or walk the dog and be part of the team not babysit a 13 year old.

Yabvu.

It doesnt matter how frequently you do or dont go out. You chose a second child not DD and she clearly said she wanted to go out.

It was on you to cancel the cinema or decide to leave him alone or find actual paid childcare. Your late planning is not her responsibility.

I don't agree that it's part of the "give and take" of family life, because it puts extra responsibility on the oldest sibling that the younger one will never have. it creates an unequal dynamic.

If mum and dad want to go out, they should sort childcare if they don't feel the 13yo is capable of being left by himself, not rely on the goodwill of their older child.

My point about us not going out much wasn't a sulk, it was to indicate that we rarely, if ever, expect this of her. I gladly facilitate her social life when she needs me to and I feel let down by her.

I get where you're coming from, OP, but 16 YOs don't think the same way fully grown adults do.

I think it was fine to leave the 13 YO. I remember my parents leaving me very infrequently to visit nearby friends and I loved having the run of the house; not to get up to anything, just to feel responsible. It's part of growing up.

Me too. At 17 I was living in a hostel in Bloomsbury, (central London) and working full-time in a department store on Oxford Street. I used to regularly walk home from the Royal Festival Hall via Soho at night, on my own. At 16 I was working full time, living alone in rental accommodation (grotty bedsits) and paying my bills. I believe I was as much an adult then as I am now at 69. I had zero support from my parents, either emotional or financial. I was entirely independent.

Maybe leave your phone on and on silent next time. Least he could of got hold of you if needed.

Your house, your rules.

Sounds like the 16 year old got pissed at being asked to babysit her brother.

In my world, the 16 year old would be asked to look out for her brother and no, she wouldn't be going out.

If she deliberately changed plans and went out, she'd be grounded.

Personally I would have asked her before I made plans and not assumed that she would stay in.

He’s not had much opportunity to be independent but he is not going to have that unless you stop babying him. If you are not sure whether he knows what to do in an emergency, you should make sure he knows. There should be emergency numbers accessible in the house and surely, he should be able to contact you as well. I have a very immature and anxious 13 y/o but I have no issues leaving her in the house alone. We do make sure she knows how to reach us and that she knows she can dial emergency services. We also keep our phones switched on and close by. She has a key to the house, knows how to evacuate safely in case of fire, not to answer the door etc. They don’t just magically know these things through “experience”. It’s your job as a parent to teach them.

I voted yanbu but see I'm in the minority. If you expected 16yo to stay, communicated that and they didn't, I agree that is out of order. I'd be really annoyed too. I used to get pretty scared on my own until about 14. All kids are different so I would disregard comments about just leaving them to it.

When we were growing up it was different but now, I'd basically pay the 16 year old to watch your 13 year old if you want to go out. It's a bit unfair to expect it in this day and age. I'd always offer something in return.

I pay my 12 year old for things I ask that I can see might be a bit more than the typical responsibilities - some money for X box bits, football cards etc.

I agree with PP, you weren’t clear OP.

If you wanted her to stay at home with her brother and not go out, you should have said that.

She has done nothing wrong based on your communication on here.

What strikes me here is that your 13 yo wouldn't know what to do in an emergency. At that age, barring any special needs, they should be able to be left for an evening. Especially given your 16 yo goes OUT at 10pm.

My older teens offer to "babysit" my 11 yr old so we can go out, but it's not an expectation in any way. When I've told them it's not their job, their response is that we always give them lifts, ferry their friends about, slip cash for trips out etc and they want to contribute to our life as well as vice versa.

However, the 11 yo is left for periods of time during the day and absolutely knows what to do in an emergency.

The other striking point is you cannot go out and not be contactable. That's not OK. Phone on vibrate if in cinema.

My expectation of my 16 yo is if plans change, they let one of us know and wait for confirmation it's OK. Never an issue.

Community rule in our house for everyone is if going out, make sure someone knows. Adults too (children and parents), not for permission, but as a courtesy to the household.

She gets to go out more than you because you chose to have children. If you don’t want your 13 year old left alone then you need to look after him or pay someone to look after him. Your daughter isn’t a live in nanny.

Also, you should have had your phone on- turn it to silent and check it regularly.

You are the parents not your DD16. Why would you think it’s ok to put the responsibility on her. Equally no way would I leave my DS13 home alone. Down to personal preference I guess and each to their own but it wouldn’t work for me.

Precisely. I think that OP is being really unfair on her DD. I hope she doesn't expect her to do a lot of looking after him, as it really isn't her job to do so.

If you asked her to stay at home and she didn’t I think it is disrespectful of her and out of order.

She’s 16 and doesn’t have any children. Of course she can go out on Saturday nights!

Maybe take DS with you next time if you don’t want to arrange childcare for him.

in all honesty my 16 year old wouldn't be going out at that time anyway.

It's odd for me that she's just allowed to go out at 9.30 at night without letting you know

she's bang out of order and needs the riot act thrown at her. She knew exactly she needed to stay at home and she deliberately went against your wishes. This isn't even about your son it's about disrespecting her parents. Not ok.

@CustardySergeant that was 53 years ago! times have changed. my daughter is 15- 16 in 2 months and has to be home by 9, so do all her friends. She did gcses a year early and is doing her a levels, she goes to restaurants and cafes with her friends not parties or anything like that. I think the whole clubbing, drinking on the park etc days for this age group are long gone. Not safe and they can't get in the clubs anymore because of ID

Imagine being 16 and all your mates are out and you can’t go because you have to look after your 13 year old brother at 9pm! He’s 13. It’s not late. Why can’t you leave him? My 14 yr old looks after his younger brothers

16 year old going out after 9.45 pm would worry me most tbh. Unless they were in the next street which sounds unlikely.

Sure 13yr would be OK for an hour or two.