To have expected dd to stay home?

[champagnetruffleshuffle]

No one in the family had plans this evening so DH and I decided to have a very rare evening out to the local cinema, leaving dd16 and ds13 at home. Dd16 came downstairs at dinner time saying she wants to go out to a neighbouring town and asked for a lift. We told her our plans and that the film didn't finish until 10.40 pm and we didn't want ds left on his own at home all evening.

We arrive home from the cinema to find ds on his own, dd had gone out at 9.45 pm to meet a local friend. She'd snap chatted me telling me whilst we were watching the film with our phones turned off. I turned my phone on when the film finished but my data was still off.

Ds is alright with being at home alone, but dh and I weren't happy as we'd be back quite late and weren't easily contactable.

I'm so cross with her right now. I know he was pretty safe but we made it clear we didn't want him left. AIBU? And wwyd?

YABU - 13 is old enough to be home alone, you can't exorcist 16yo to stay in on a Saturday night
YANBU - She went against our wishes and I'm right to be cross.

It’s the bigger picture. Not that 13 year old couldn’t look after himself or it was only a short time or that it’s not the 16 year old’s responsibility. It’s because the parents had made a decision and the 16 year old should accept their wishes. It’s disrespectful to ignore the parents.

What will she ignore next?

How many parents come on here saying their children are disrespectful and they don’t know why?

Daughter gets to make her own decisions when she’s an adult or no longer living there.

I don't think you were being unreasonable.

I think it's fine for teenagers to do things for their parents/family sometimes, as long as it's not to excess and it doesn't sound like it is.

You arranged it for a night when she didn't have plans.

The "you didn't say she had to be in all evening" stuff just sounds like what a teenager would say. I think your account makes it pretty clear that you asked her not to go out because you didn't want your son alone.

You should probably communicate more clearly in the future but I suspect your DD did know what you expected here, though she may try some of this as an excuse.

meh - the DD exploited a loophole. I would have done the same at that age. And knowing how teenagers think (because i was one) I would have been super specific about my expectations of her babysitting.

But I would have paid her to do it.

I'm with DD. At 13, your DS should be old enough to be left alone for a few hours. If he isn't, then that's down to your parenting skills.

Yabu unless sen 13 is old enough to be alone. My suggestion in the future for things like cinema is to go in the afternoon/early evening. When mine were younger teens we would aim to get home circa 9pm , though by the time dd2 was 13 we did whatever we wanted, she was the more sensible one, still is the most mature young adult I've met

Presumably as your DS gets older you’ll offer him the same level of lifts, perks etc as your DD gets now. Therefore it’s unfair of you to expect DD to stay in and use her as a free babysitter for your DS, because DS is never going to have the same expectations placed on him due to not having a younger sibling where the need will arise. Of course things will never be 100% equal between the siblings, it’s not like you have to keep a tally to make sure they get exactly the same as they grow up, but a situation like this where DD’s expected to facilitate your social life as opposed to help out in an emergency situation, when the same will never be asked of her brother, is fundamentally unreasonable.

You’re also at fault for switching off your phone - if an emergency situation came about that was serious enough for a 13yo to not know what to do, then a 16yo probably wouldn’t cope well with it either. Therefore why would you make yourself uncontactable - I know your DH had his phone on but why would you not want your DD to be able to get through to her first choice of contact?

I think my opinion may differ to others on here. In my opinion (and what I experienced when I was growing up) a 16 year old should be asking permission to go out in the evening and be informing you as parents where they are going. I would not be ok my 16 year old child going out that late at night unless I was previously aware. You don't say whether she is a 16 year old GCSE student or whether she has already started college but if the former I would definitely expect what I said above to apply. If the later I think you need to decide what rules you want her to follow moving forward and sit down to discuss these with her to make it clear. It was not ok for her to interpret rather than follow your instructions last night.

However, your 13 year old should be ok to stay on his own for a few hours in the evening. You say he is a young 13 so spend the time making sure that he know how to react in an emergency so he is prepared in the future.

YABU. Your daughter is not your son's minder.

dd Is not an unpaid babysitter I don’t blame her.

@ShakeNvacStevens she doesn't sound like Cinderella here. Once in a while having to stay at home to be around for your younger brother doesn't sound massively onerous.

And she may well have compensating older sibling perks like a bigger bedroom

I agree with this completely.

I didn't have younger siblings but I did plenty of much more onerous housework than staying at home every now and then and just viewed it as part of pitching into family life.

I pay my 17 year old to babysit 7 year old DD. He's a teenager and my nights out aren't his responsibility. Offer her some cash in future with specific instructions.

If you didn’t ask her to stay with her brother then she’s done nothing wrong. You can’t be vague and expect her to read your mind.

I think a 16 year old just up and leaving the house at 9.45pm a bit late to be honest.

I should add- DS has happily helped in times of emergency- if I'm stuck on the motorway getting home in time for after school club etc, or for an hour or so if I'm food shopping but for my own night out at peak socialising time (Fri/Sat night), I would always pay him.

That wasn't an emergency... tho I see your point.

OP a 13yo is fine home alone for a couple of hours! She popped out for a bit. You went out all evening and he's your responsibility, not hers!

You’re upset that she left him unattended for just under an hour? 🙄

Tbh it’s not your dd responsibility to “babysit” her brother.

Studies show that children who are raised in homes where there is an explicit understanding that everyone pitches in for the sake of the group are more likely to think of others and be community minded. Children who are given money as a reward for housework are less likely to help out unless there is something in it for them.

I can't believe there are parents who pay their children to do things that the children should be doing as part of supporting the family as a well functioning unit.

I think you ought to have explicitly asked her to stay in... perhaps you could have suggested the friend she meets come to yours for the evening.

Also, there's no reason why your phone cant remain on silent while you're at the cinema.

Nobody but you knows whether your 13 yo is safe home alone. So many factors from their maturity, confidence, trustworthiness and safety of your neighbourhood to factor in.
The question you're asking shouldn't be are you or DD right about whether he should be left (how do we know? But you're the parent she's a child, so I'd assume you knew best)
The question should be was it reasonable to expect DD to cancel her own plans at short notice to babysit for you? To which my answer would be no. If you want her to do this, at least arrange it with her in advance.

OK I'm taking from this thread that I should have given dd more notice - noted, our plans were a bit flimsy.
But I'm not taking that I should never expect this of her, our family is a team and I do a lot for her over and above what I should.

I'm also taking that I baby my son too much. By a young 13 I mean he's not had much experience of being independent. He doesn't have lots of friends he'd hang out with and dh and/or I are often at home. There wouldn't have been someone he could have stayed over with or had round.

Regarding dd going out, if we were at home we would not have allowed her to leave the house that late, on her own. She's allowed out later than this when prearranged but we would be aware of where she was and know how she was getting home if we weren't collecting her. Yes she messaged me but without a reply she should not have gone. That's another thing I'll talk to her about when she is up.

To clear up a few things. There was only one showing, we didn't book in case we couldn't go, husband's phone was on, just mine off. My dd also made late plans but they required us to drive her as she had no other means to get there, that's why she didn't go. No alternative plans were mentioned.

I'll talk this through with her when she is up.

I don’t think she does sound like Cinderella. I just think this particular situation seems inherently unfair. If she gets other elder sibling perks then that’s her parents’ choice - it still doesn’t require DD to be a free babysitter without clear discussion first. (I’m say this as the youngest sibling btw).

Depends whether you asked her to stay home before you made your plans or whether you assumed she would be home all night.

Is this thread making anyone question their entire teen years?! I was expected as a matter of course to look after my younger brother, often overnight and it wasn't negotiable to say 'no'!

There's a difference between looking after a sibling when it's been pre-arranged and agreed in advance, and having it dumped on you at the last minute.

Personally I think the former is fine but the latter is pretty poor parenting.

A good time to talk to 13 yr old about emergency plans. Leave a book with numbers to call etc We used to have the lady next door and other people that would come over if a problem plus our mobiles obviously.