Would you wait forever for your dream man or would you ‘settle’?

[Missgemini]

Random post that doesn’t actually affect my life, but I’ve been wondering about this.

I’m in my early 30s, married with kids (just for background). I have a couple of close friends that are single and looking. They’ve dated, but haven’t found anyone to be serious with.
It's not a case of a lack of men around. The ‘issue’ is the perceived calibre of the men. These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.
I’ve tried to say on a couple of occasions that they’re probably missing out on lots of good men earning a bit less but with the potential to make more in future (not that I think that money is the be all and end all). Anyway, they disagree and say they don’t see why they should reduce their standards.

Disclosure: I got lucky and met a great guy who ticks a lot of my boxes and did not have to ‘settle’, so this really isn’t my business, but these close friends do discuss their dating lives regularly with me.

So, my question is: would you wait potentially forever for the man of your dreams if you’re single? AIBU for encouraging them to give some ‘Lower earners’ a chance?

I can earn plenty on my own.

They are allowed whatever dating preferences they want. They are allowed to pursue whatever lifestyle they want. They are allowed to accept the implications and costs of this.

Their criteria aren’t mine. But then their life isn’t mine either.

Just let them get on with it. They understand what they are excluding and including.

I wouldn't say settle as in just to be with someone as that likely wouldn't work out well but most likely skipping quite a lot of the pool based on earnings.

May not be the case in all but would assume that a fair proportion of those earning that kind of money would likely be more invested in their career and current lifestyle than anything else.

I have always supported myself, and chose my DH based on entirely different characteristics than salary.

This is great example of how reality and the modern myths we are wrapped in come into glaring conflict.
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Very interesting. I am too old to change my life path, but any young uns in my orbit are gonna be more informed than I was.

And the money thing will also mean the guy has similar values and outlook to them, so it’s also a compatibility thing.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with settling. I think a lot of women’s standards for a relationship are pretty unrealistic tbh, especially in my generation.

I think this is the issue with having a set criteria for a partner beyond loving, kind, not abusive…

I have been with DH for 10.5 years and I don’t feel I’ve settled at all. He doesn’t earn 100k+ or have a six-pack or whatever. The things he does have are far more important in my opinion but I only found these out by actually dating him.

I find it pathetic women are only interested in guys earning a certain amount. I earn my own money and would be embarrassed to say I was looking for a rich man.

It's their life and their criteria. As long as they don't incessantly moan about being single, let them be

Think you have two different questions

should you settle - no

should you give people a chance before writing them off - yes

I don't think it's useful to have an arbitrary tick list to be honest. You should take each person as you find them.

To me the most important thing about a life partner is someone I can have a laugh with, who sees us as a team etc.
I'm married but have friends who had similar criteria they are now late 40s still single and regret it. They freely admit they are lonely and not single by choice and turned down some wonderful men.

The point of relationships is supporting one another what someone is earning now isn't what they will always earn. Up to them if they want to ignore decent blokes based on something shallow like income.

It's up to them isn't it? They are allowed to set whatever boundaries they want. Yes, the more you have, the more your choice is limited but a growing number of women are finding out that being single is really extremely pleasant. I guess it depends if they want dc.

In their shoes and with the benefit of hindsight and if I didn't want dc, then I'd absolutely be single (not waiting, just happily living life) unless someone came along who ticked all my boxes.

I think standards pertaining to emotional connection, sexual attraction, how they treat you and philosophies on life (future plans, day to day responsibilities etc) are non-negotiable.

Anything else, I think those are the standards that you should examine your "why" and maybe be flexible on, if you think you'd be happier in a relationship than being single.

For example, is she prioritising high earners because she thinks it symbolises someone ambitious, hard working, stable etc? In that case, she could compromise and find those characteristics in someone earning less. Or is the money or job title/progression the important thing, in which case she can't compromise.

If your friend is content being single and looking for a high earner, then she has no reason to compromise.

Well they might just find themselves lifelong single.

Imagine a man saying “I’ll only date women who earn at least £100k a year” 🙄

Are you new to AIBU? It a forum about opinions. It wouldn’t exist if people just walked around all day, never concerning themselves and pondering over things that are not their business.

I don't think this is about 'settling' it's about having a restrictive requirement level before you give someone a chance. I've never really understood people having set criteria for dating someone. Surely you should base it on an individuals merits? Does it really matter if someone isn't 6ft (for example) if you get on well and they are a good person? I had a friend who said she would never date someone who hadn't been to uni as she thought they would have nothing in common, they probably wouldn't be that intelligent or have much ambition (!?) I told her this was madness, but she said she wouldn't budge.
I think with Internet dating, it is probably easier to have a check list of things and just rule people out. It's like ruling people out on their cv basically!
So, no, I wouldn't 'settle'. But I wouldn't rule people out on set criteria without getting to know them. That said, that works better when you meet someone in person. Maybe they just don't want to waste time getting to know people online, only to end up having the same issues!

I think if you’re a high-flying career focused woman it would make more sense to have a partner who’s less high-flying and more willing to share the domestic load. Being compatible is not always being the same, but being complimentary!

I also earn my own money but I wanted a man who was an equal and ultimately able to provide for our family so I can go part time when we have children. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with that!

What I'm finding with being single, is that there are quite a few women, and there's a few already on this thread, who just cannot wrap their head around the fact that other women are CHOOSING to be single.

That they prefer it to lowering in their boundaries.

Well they have to do what is best for them so let them get on with it. It's good to have standards.
I actually earned more than DH when I met him he now earns 6 X my salary so they might want to re consider this aspect a little. Also not all highly desirable careers actually earn over 100k especially in early 30's . But it's their choice.

These women also ear their own money...

The last man I dated who earned over £100k I discovered was a functioning alcoholic and also had bipolar undiagnosed.

Money isn't everything. Now I'm with someone earning less than half that and less than me bit he's stable and makes me laugh so much.