Would you wait forever for your dream man or would you ‘settle’?

[Missgemini]

Random post that doesn’t actually affect my life, but I’ve been wondering about this.

I’m in my early 30s, married with kids (just for background). I have a couple of close friends that are single and looking. They’ve dated, but haven’t found anyone to be serious with.
It's not a case of a lack of men around. The ‘issue’ is the perceived calibre of the men. These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.
I’ve tried to say on a couple of occasions that they’re probably missing out on lots of good men earning a bit less but with the potential to make more in future (not that I think that money is the be all and end all). Anyway, they disagree and say they don’t see why they should reduce their standards.

Disclosure: I got lucky and met a great guy who ticks a lot of my boxes and did not have to ‘settle’, so this really isn’t my business, but these close friends do discuss their dating lives regularly with me.

So, my question is: would you wait potentially forever for the man of your dreams if you’re single? AIBU for encouraging them to give some ‘Lower earners’ a chance?

And can also be fine if you do want DCs.

Those sort of woman with a big criteria list that potential partners must meet more than likely end up being alone with a cat.

Well, not every woman wants to meet their dream man, some arent even interested in a relationship. Or even marriage. You could meet your dream man and relationship may not even last. There are no guarantees.

I wouldn't dream of being with a man who earns less than me. Im not a rescuer. & rather than settle I'd have waited it out. I love DP and my life with him, but I was happy in myself when I met him; wasn't always that way but I learned that for me, self-care is non-negotiable. Also that I work hard for my money and like a certain lifestyle too so, no to low earners. Earn equal to me, or more. Not less. I like having a partner but I wouldnt fall to pieces without one.

I don't know why women think they have to justify their choices. Caring far too much what people think brings unhappiness. I don't owe low earners a thing. DP knows my thoughts, we're happy enough why should anyone else matter? I mean if women are happy to be with low earners it's their choice I wouldn't judge them or lose sleep over it.

I'd argue that everyone settles, nobody knows whether a better option was around the corner if only they kept looking. The main variability is how frequently people give up on their choice or their choice gives up on them leading them to repeat the cycle, and the reasons for it each time. I don't think any woman I got into a relationship was perfect, I'm not even sure what perfect means when it comes to women, I just felt hopeful it'd last

Is there something wrong with that? Being alone with a cat?

Would you leave him if he lost his job?

I am alone with a cat, and very happy indeed thank you! You are making it sound like a "failure" situation, whereas to me it is a win. I never met anyone good enough to sacrifice my independence for, so I haven't and am very happy - much happier than any of my married friends

I think the money thing is a bit of a red herring to be honest. I was with so
for a long time who earned a lot less than me, the earning difference didn’t bother me, but the lack of drive did. He constantly talked about going part time because we were financially comfortable (but only because of my earnings), he would always take TOIL from work rather than overtime so he could go on weekends away with his mates.
So next time round I will be looking for money-but as a short hand for has some drive and isnt looking for a meal ticket

That reeks of internalised misogyny. Is the worst thing you can possibly imagine being single?

Because it looks more appealing than many of the relationships I see described on here, and I don’t mean the ones on the Relationships forum where the poster recognises there’s a problem.

I applaud anyone having standards, if they are prepared to live with the consequences of them not being met, just as the people with different, less exacting standards, need to live with the consequences of those standards.

Yes, she said 100k, but she would obviously not write off someone on 90/95. She would write off someone on 50/60 for sure though

Thats her choice then but she can’t really whine to you about feeling sad about not being married with kids as you’ve said she is/does! She can’t be that much of a catch either as if she was, wouldn’t she have found this perfect unicorn dream man by now already- seeing as she’s apparently so perfect herself?

Well when one states she wants to meet a man to have relationship with then yes, it is not great when her perceived criteria blocks that pathway. If one chooses to be single then no it's fine.

Assuming Mr Perfect never shows up… There will come a point where you have to decide between “no man at all and no kids” or “settle for a lesser man but at least you have kids”. The latter is better because at least you have kids.

If you’re going to settle for someone who’s not your dream man, you may as well settle for a higher calibre of “not your dream man” while you’re relatively young and desirable. Because as you get older, the quality of “not your dream man” that you can attract will reduce.

You do not have to "have" a man to have kids though.

More fool them for being shallow. They may earn £100k+ but where's their perspective and maturity?!

Their unrealistic standards are only going to disadvantage themselves.

I wouldn’t settle. Luckily I didn’t! People have all sorts of dating criteria. Im not a fan of beards. They might be the loveliest person, but I wouldn’t want to kiss them!

They're not neccessarily less exacting standards, they're different priorities.

@RocketIceLollie given that cats are excellent company and single women are statistically happier and less likely to be murdered than married women, that sounds splendid

My take on this is you can’t help who you fall in love with. One day they might meet someone who isn’t perfect to them on paper but that is no longer of consequence. I fell in love with someone I didn’t expect to, it happens! 😂 it took me completely by surprise.

They are entitled to have restrictive requirements in their search for a man, but they also need to accept that they are limiting their choices and not complain that they are still single.

I don't want a partner, and can't imagine I ever will, but I would never choose one based on his earning, his career, his social standing etc. I couldn't care less about those things.

Leave them to get on with it would be my advice - but refuse to listen to any complaints about not being able to find their "dream man".

but you can have kids without being in a relationship

Technically yes. But your life is going to be a hell of a lot easier with a father to pay half of the bills and do a share of the childcare. It doesn’t even matter much who the father is - by the time you both go to work and spend hours looking after the kids you’ll barely see each other.

Its just a personal preference though, personally, I think it is easier alone

@Missgemini

The last time the 100k friend dated someone that met all her criteria (on paper), he turned out to be a complete douchebag!

I dislike the "on paper", he must have met the criteria or she wouldn't have dated him.
Either her criteria lends itself to "douche bags". Or her criteria is wrong as she doesn't get what she wants from it..

I think it matters HUGELY who the father is. A ridiculous amount of ‘fathers’ do fuck all and/or pay fuck all for their kids. Women should choose who they procreate with very, very carefully, with eyes wide open and leave the emotions of ‘being broody’ out of it nowadays.

The last thing women who want kids should do is settle for a bad partner, if you can’t find a good one you should maybe reconsider children unless you can do it alone. We can’t have everything we want in life.

Would a child want to be born to you and your prospective partner? What kind of life will they have? Will they have good genes. Think of it that way instead of “I want a child so much I’ll pick any dud to father him/her”