Would you wait forever for your dream man or would you ‘settle’?

[Missgemini]

Random post that doesn’t actually affect my life, but I’ve been wondering about this.

I’m in my early 30s, married with kids (just for background). I have a couple of close friends that are single and looking. They’ve dated, but haven’t found anyone to be serious with.
It's not a case of a lack of men around. The ‘issue’ is the perceived calibre of the men. These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.
I’ve tried to say on a couple of occasions that they’re probably missing out on lots of good men earning a bit less but with the potential to make more in future (not that I think that money is the be all and end all). Anyway, they disagree and say they don’t see why they should reduce their standards.

Disclosure: I got lucky and met a great guy who ticks a lot of my boxes and did not have to ‘settle’, so this really isn’t my business, but these close friends do discuss their dating lives regularly with me.

So, my question is: would you wait potentially forever for the man of your dreams if you’re single? AIBU for encouraging them to give some ‘Lower earners’ a chance?

Yes, I could more easily understand a general lifestyle than specific figures. OP says they have access to higher earning London professional circles, but even so, does that mean they'd turn down a solicitor on 85k at a smaller in house place somewhere who'd made a lifestyle move, or earning the same in recruitment or something, for the sake of that fifteen grand? Seems very arbitrary even within what's already quite a specific pool.

Agree it's easier when you meet someone at a younger life stage rather than when you're already established in lifestyle. Because then you can tailor things accordingly rather than having to make big changes.

However, they are where they are and nobody can turn back time. I guess what that means is they have to decide whether they're happier relaxing their criteria or potentially missing out on the spouse and DC they want. It's a personal call.

It's tricky. I'm 35, independent and earn reasonably well (£65k). I don't need anyone to pay for me, far from it! But I would rather remain single than date someone who earned significantly less than me. I don't want my standard of living to reduce as I'm having to fund someone else... so being honest I would only date people who earn ~40k plus. I like nice holidays, good food etc and want some I can enjoy those things with.

It's grabby to want to only want to date people who earn more than you so they pay for you, but in my opinion it's completely fine to want to date people with similar earnings.

I would rather be single than settle

Why the he'll would I settle ?

I 'settled' once in my life.

After that I held out for the best and I'm so glad I did.

If you want children. And having them is your priority.

If not, then I agree, don't settle!

In general men don't go for status in women, they usually prioritise looks.

So you may hear men say things like 'I'll only date a woman who is a size 8 with big boobs' etc.

This, exactly. If one of their key criteria is that they don’t want to carry someone financially, that’s their call, as are the consequences, if there are any.

Not my criteria, though DH earns more than that, but he fulfils my key criteria, which are intellectual and educational.

Well no, I didn't and wouldn't 'settle'. But it was all about values and character for me. Arbitrary salary.. I mean wtf?!
If you want to be with someone hardworking who has the same attitude towards money and financial planning then yeah that's important (very actually, especially if you have kids with them). But a salary bar is just weird.

Right. And if I heard that I’d think “what a bell end”.

I don't think people should settle but they should give some thought to why they want certain characteristics in their partner. I.e. what they prefer Vs what they will not budge on.

Some years ago my director (late 20s) explained that the reason she'd want someone who earned the same or above is because when they are ready to have children, she wants to be to be off work and raise the children without having a massive drop in their standard of living. She said if her partner earned significantly less, she'd feel inclined to go back to work sooner so that her family can have the things that she wanted them to have.

I also see a lot of women who have babies with the man they are with at at the time they want to have a baby, regardless of the fact that if they were honest with themselves, if they'd have taken a step back they would have seen that he wasn't a good choice for a father to their child. Of course, it's miles more frustrating that so many men dont seem to be able to look at themselves and go 'am I going to be a good, engaged dad and an equal partner in the relationship if we add a baby to the mix?'

I see that too but I wouldn't say it's confined to women. I also know men who have married and/or had DC more because it was what they felt ready to do than because that was the person they wanted to do it with. In one case it was both parties in a couple, which was plain as day at the time. They didn't last.

Like OP’s friends, I am single, mid-30s, London-dwelling and earn well.

While I would not impose a strict £100k earning requirement, I would not want a boyfriend who earns significantly less than me. I just don’t want to subsidise someone and take a hit on my lifestyle. That being said, I think earning potential is important - someone who changed career and had to start at the bottom in a reasonably well-paying field is absolutely fine.

I'm over 45 and happy to have zero partner. I've been proposed to, had children and can see no reason to have a man around unless he is intelligent and wants to make a nice calm, happy and loving life together as we sidle into old age. I've no time for people who see salary as an attraction/quality... you can have the persona of a wet fish and earn 100k +and loose your job in a heartbeat. Money alone never makes anyone happy, as much as men thinking a size 8 girl would make them happy - it's not for life. Children come and you see the importance of having the same background/morals/sense of humour/education. There is so much more to happily ever after than a salary or if you both live in the same area/similar jobs/prospects.

I've no time for people who see salary as an attraction/quality... you can have the persona of a wet fish and earn 100k +and loose your job in a heartbeat.

I agree. I've met plenty of well earning men- doesnt mean they are decent, kind, interesting or attractive- some of them were complete and utter bores and many were complete misogynists and wanted a stay at home wifey to wait on them when they got home from their demanding high powered job. I get wanting someone on a fairly equal footing but to have an arbitrary 100k minimum is a bit daft. As OP points out- when her friend did meet that 100k guy he turned out to be douchebag.

Whilst I don't approve of your friend's standards, if she was to settle and she'd feel resentful towards her partner or be a knob about it then no she shouldn't settle.

I think if I hadn't met DH I'd have settled for someone who I think would've made a good dad but having children was a top priority for me and I would never care about someone's salary (work ethic yes, salary no).

I'm single, have been for years. I've had offers. But I won't be with just anyone. People have told me to lower my standards and I won't. I also like my life the way it is, and it would take someone incredible to change my mind, and I don't think that person exists.

Your thread title and your post are different really. Virtually everyone settles/compromises to some degree because ‘dream man’ is a weird concept that doesn’t really exist.

As to your actual post, I’m in a reasonably well-paid professional career, and whilst I don’t think I’d set a salary cut-off (and something tells me your friends haven’t either, to be honest), I would want another professional with similar ambition and approach to work.

Same. I’d think they were both bellends in their own way.

While it might be natural to look out for, and avoid, red flags of those who are bad with money in some way, or too dissimilar. To have a required number noted, from earnings in a job, is both old fashioned and distasteful. It feels grubby and grim.

When i met H i earned approx twice what he did. We clicked straight away. He's having to look after me now due to illness. He's brilliant. People do have to look out for themselves financially, but that's only one aspect all the same.

I think this concept of "ideal" and "forever" is really limiting and driven by marketing nonsense.

You fall in love with whom you fall in love with. My DH doesn't earn over 100k nor does he have a cut glass English accent (things I might have said were musts) but he's got amazing blue eyes, makes me laugh and I absolutely adore him and we work incredibly well as a couple.

Actually at the end of the day it's about being happy. For me anyway. More income would be nice but I'm so very happy. I'm not sure that's "settling".

Your single friends could broaden their aspirations, but life doesn't generally work like that!

I wouldn't wait around for the man of my dreams, likely because he doesn't exist. I wouldn't 'settle' either.

Where the fuck are all these 100k jobs? Not in my industry. Chief execs top out at about 80k, often much less, in all but about 5 companies. DH is absolutely top of his game in his own niche field and earns about 45k. And I think we're really lucky. We have a nice house and a new car? I can go to Waitrose for tea? What more are people actually wanting?

This isn't what the thread is about though, it's about whether or not to drop their high standards and "settle".
If you are happy being single that's brilliant and honestly I think if it wasn't that some women want children, I think more women would remain single.

There is a huge middle ground between settling for someone you arent truly happy with and waiting around for the perfect dream man to show up. Neither are likely to work. The first means ending up with someone you dont really like and the second means waiting forever because noone on this planet is perfect. Both will cause unhappiness.

Supposing your friend met a guy who adored her, is lovely, kind, supportive, gorgeous/sexy, great conversationalist, witty, responsible with money and interesting- would she really turn him down because he makes 70k instead of 100k? If so, then more fool her because she'll end up alone and I highly doubt she's a perfect dream woman either.