Would you wait forever for your dream man or would you ‘settle’?

[Missgemini]

Random post that doesn’t actually affect my life, but I’ve been wondering about this.

I’m in my early 30s, married with kids (just for background). I have a couple of close friends that are single and looking. They’ve dated, but haven’t found anyone to be serious with.
It's not a case of a lack of men around. The ‘issue’ is the perceived calibre of the men. These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.
I’ve tried to say on a couple of occasions that they’re probably missing out on lots of good men earning a bit less but with the potential to make more in future (not that I think that money is the be all and end all). Anyway, they disagree and say they don’t see why they should reduce their standards.

Disclosure: I got lucky and met a great guy who ticks a lot of my boxes and did not have to ‘settle’, so this really isn’t my business, but these close friends do discuss their dating lives regularly with me.

So, my question is: would you wait potentially forever for the man of your dreams if you’re single? AIBU for encouraging them to give some ‘Lower earners’ a chance?

I don't believe anyones dream man exists tbh.

A successful relationship takes so much more than 'needs to be a high earner'. I can't believe that people actually have that as a criteria tbh.

You are right of course, they are missing out on lots of potentially great partners who don’t earn that magic number. I’d be tempted to just let them come to their own conclusion though. If they’re intelligent women they ought to work it for out themselves eventually.

Salary may sound arbitrary but if they're using it as a work ethic/educational background/career focus screening tool then that's actually pretty sensible.
My background: worked from the age of 18, work to live, value security above all.
Husbands background: perpetual students at heart, hates being an employee and 'working to make someone else rich'. He earns vastly more than I could but resents doing it and wants to quit all the time.
In all other ways we get along great, but our core values are not the same, and we've been very unhappy because of it.

Surely that’s not the same question?
should they settle- no definitely not
should they date lower earners- maybe

I guess it depends why they earn less and if that makes them incompatible. for example I’m very ambitious so would happily date someone who had a low paid job in a field they were passionate about but not someone who had a low paid job because they were lacking ambition.

The thing is, they may be happy single, and are not looking for "a relationship at all costs" but " a relationship that is better than what I already have as a happy single life"

so the bar is going to be very high!

I have a friend who is a bit like this. Money/income isn't one of her criteria, but the guys she has dated are never good enough for her. Sure, if a guy does make you happy then you shouldn't be with them. But now she finds herself in her mid-30s, still single, and desperate for a baby. I know that she really struggles with the knowledge that it's going to be increasingly difficult for her to have a child unless she meets someone soon-ish, let alone more than one child. Unfortunately single women who want children will have to make a choice at some point.

Suppose you get your high-earning man and, a few years down the line, he has a life-changing accident or debilitating illness so he can’t work. Would these friends then ditch him?
Also, even if you want someone who earns well, setting a precise figure seems foolish - 100k? Fine! 98k? Get back in the gutter!

Really? Seems a very valid criteria to me.

Much as people hate to admit it, life really is much easier with money when you can afford nice days out and not having to worry about bills. Also let’s be honest 99% of the time the woman ends up shouldering most of the burden of childcare/domestic duties so I think it’s pretty reasonable to want a man who can afford to support me working part time?

Ambition is attractive, so when I was dating I didn’t have a “have to earn X” criteria, but they definitely had to be on a good career path and going places/likely to be a high earner. I was a high earner myself so why would I settle for less?

You are asking two questions.

Should women 'settle'?
It depends. No man ticks very single box unless you are very very lucky.
The important issue is which boxes are ticked according to your values.

Should women exclude men who aren't high earners?
And set an arbitrary level? Like £100K
Well, clearly not.

But it's about compatibility.
That £figure might mean a certain level of education which sometimes corresponds to a higher income (but not always.)

High achievers tend to attract the same sort of person not necessarily based on their income, but their education, values, hobbies etc.

I never made this 'choice' but I've never dated a man who didn't have a degree and was a professional, like myself. But some way in lower-earning professions which have never paid well.

I've known women and men who have tick-lists and they have ended up alone. That's because the person they want doesn't exist, except on their wish list.
They were so intransigent that they excluded some 'possibles'.

It isn't about the money itself. It's about what earning said money says about the character and lifestyle of the person.

I wouldn't have criteria in mind in regards to earning potential etc but I would not settle for less than qualities such as respect, someone who views partnership as equal work (both work on the relationship and in the home), good communication, kind etc. I honestly would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't respect me/our relationship etc

@Scottishskifun could not agree more with the having a laugh together.

Apparently 4% of the UK earns 100k plus, no breakdown for men versus women and no breakdown for age or marital status. Then there is that bizarre requirement do you like them? and then even odder do they like me? It’s a small pool to fish in.

It obviously depends how much they want to settle down and commit to one person.

Of course I wouldn’t leave my husband if he had an accident or something (although we do have robust critical illness insurance), but that’s hopefully very unlikely, and besides it wasn’t even the pure £££ that attracted me to him, it’s the confidence, ambition and desire to provide for a family.

I have a friend like this, she earns an average salary herself but is waiting to be whisked off her feet by a wealthy good looking man who ideally doesn’t have kids or baggage in his late 30s-40s who will treat her like the princess her parents have enabled her to become (only child). 🤨🙃

Trying to get her to broaden her horizons or be open to potentially a ‘normal’ guy is almost impossible, she just won’t do it and so this endless cycle of going on 1 or 2 dates before she finds a fault goes on and on.

Possibly, in some cases...but that goes 2 ways..the man wants a beautiful young woman (even if he's older and not all that)... he wants everything...for doing not much.

Characteristics are important...but i wouldn't date anyone without at least a little money, otherwise it means me..us, missing out on trips etc because he cant afford it...yes in some instances i could still go on trips, theatre on my own but not all the time, so i would be limiting my experiences by dating someone who couldn't afford to go out. I am not paying all the time. Doesn't have to be a big wage but not minimum wage. I earn enough to do these things alone...im ok being single..but if meet someone hes gotta be able to financially be ok. So no i wouldn't settle.

I often think putting barriers up like that is a way of avoiding relationships/intimacy altogether?

Yes, but my DH earns nowhere close to 100k and we've been married and homeowners since age 25 (am 38 now).

I've either been a SAHM or working PT myself during the past 13 years. We're not off on long haul holidays each year, that's true, but we have shared values, think it's important to be around for the kids etc. We've prioritised that over a big house in South West London (or wherever) and holidays to Australia.

On the fence with this one.

I think the £100k is a bit arbitrary and stupid but I can see an argument for wanting someone’s general lifestyle to match yours. My friend, also early 30s, has a similar (although less rigid outlook) - she has a successful, professional career and owns her own flat. She wants the person she dates to match her on these criteria.

I met my DH at 18, so we have just sort of bumbled on together. On paper I probably wouldn’t choose him if I was single now but he is the best person I know. If you are too rigid that you won’t give people a chance you could end up missing out on someone great.

If you've got such a specific criteria like that then yes you might be waiting a long time.

I think wanting someone with a bit of money is fine though, providing it's not the only thing you're looking for. There's probably quite the difference in ambition and morals between one earning £££ and one unemployed not bothered about working. I split up with my ex partly because of the latter. He had no ambition and was lazy, and I knew this would be a problem later in life if we had kids for example.

People joke about finding a rich man, because having plenty of money does take away alot of life stresses!

Friends laugh and think I settled because my boyfriend isn’t over 6ft, doesn’t look like a male model, have a 6 pack, earn a six figure salary, etc etc. But I chose him because he’s a lovely, gentle, family oriented man who adores me & I know he’ll make a wonderful father.

I notice a lot of women who had ‘very high standards’ in their 20s suddenly panic in their early 30s and end up having a baby with the first guy that comes along. And 9 out of 10 times that relationship never works out.

Sounds pretty old fashioned. The man could go part time instead if he was the lower earner. Plus £100k is a ridiculously high threshold. Not many people earn that much!

I’m pretty much an eternal single and not looking right now but I wouldn’t date someone who earned much less than me. I’m not a high earner though so would have more choice looking for someone earning an average wage than 100k plus. My reasons are if a relationship got serious that I have a child and my earnings are to make his life comfortable and secure, if I brought anyone in to our lives I wouldn’t want our lifestyle to get worse.

More than money though, I know I’m ok on my own. I would love a partner but don’t need one. I listen all the time to people who are in bad, unequal, borderline abusive or straight up abusive relationships and I would rather be alone. I feel like I will be a red flag hunter. Maybe people just tell me the bad stuff, but if a man doesn’t pull his own weight or if he shows any signs of possessiveness or controlling behaviour that’s my line in the sand rather than money.

For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.

Omg so shallow

It depends what you find attractive, surely? If these women friends of yours are successful and well-paid, I would expect them to want to meet and marry someone who is equal to them in career terms and there is no harm in them wanting that.

Might they keep on looking and miss the boat for a family? I suspect if they're successful they're also intelligent enough to be aware of this possibility and personally I'd rather wait than settle for someone who I don't fancy and don't respect. This board if full of women who had DC with rubbish men who don't pull their weight and who left them in the lurch in one of various ways. As long as these women are being realistic (i.e. not waiting for George Clooney or Ryan Reynolds to come along), then IMO they shouldn't lower their standards.