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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you wait forever for your dream man or would you ‘settle’?

253 replies

Missgemini · 11/11/2023 08:45

Random post that doesn’t actually affect my life, but I’ve been wondering about this.

I’m in my early 30s, married with kids (just for background). I have a couple of close friends that are single and looking. They’ve dated, but haven’t found anyone to be serious with.
It's not a case of a lack of men around. The ‘issue’ is the perceived calibre of the men. These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.
I’ve tried to say on a couple of occasions that they’re probably missing out on lots of good men earning a bit less but with the potential to make more in future (not that I think that money is the be all and end all). Anyway, they disagree and say they don’t see why they should reduce their standards.

Disclosure: I got lucky and met a great guy who ticks a lot of my boxes and did not have to ‘settle’, so this really isn’t my business, but these close friends do discuss their dating lives regularly with me.

So, my question is: would you wait potentially forever for the man of your dreams if you’re single? AIBU for encouraging them to give some ‘Lower earners’ a chance?

OP posts:
Anonymouseposter · 11/11/2023 14:12

It depends what their priorities in life are. If they want children and family life then they may need to rethink their criteria and be more open minded. If they’re happy to be single unless they find someone exceptional then that’s okay for them. Having said that, if I was giving advice to a young woman I would say to be extremely careful who you have children with. Although a decent income helps, more important is reliability, caring nature, stability, sense of humour, common sense. Your children will inherit some of his personality and if he’s not reliable and kind you’re in for a very tough time.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 11/11/2023 14:15

secondfavouritesocks · 11/11/2023 09:15

The thing is, they may be happy single, and are not looking for "a relationship at all costs" but " a relationship that is better than what I already have as a happy single life"

so the bar is going to be very high!

Which is fine if you aren't bothered about having DCs.

Chickenkeev · 11/11/2023 14:21

GingerLiberalFeminist · 11/11/2023 13:55

I think this concept of "ideal" and "forever" is really limiting and driven by marketing nonsense.

You fall in love with whom you fall in love with. My DH doesn't earn over 100k nor does he have a cut glass English accent (things I might have said were musts) but he's got amazing blue eyes, makes me laugh and I absolutely adore him and we work incredibly well as a couple.

Actually at the end of the day it's about being happy. For me anyway. More income would be nice but I'm so very happy. I'm not sure that's "settling".

Your single friends could broaden their aspirations, but life doesn't generally work like that!

Out of curiosity, why would a cut glass english accent be a 'must have'? That would have been rather limiting!

GingerLiberalFeminist · 11/11/2023 14:46

Haha just one of those wish list/that's what I want in a man thing!

Princessfluffy · 11/11/2023 15:16

They can make their own minds up and it's pretty arrogant to think you know better than they do about what they want in life.

The happiest and healthiest women statistically are single and child free.

LlynTegid · 11/11/2023 15:45

Your friends have standards, good to read that. If only that was the case more often.

hilloe · 11/11/2023 16:02

The happiest and healthiest women statistically are single and child free.

I've only seen stats that say single women after divorce/long term relationship ending are happiest. Those who have never been in a long term relationship, or had children, are more likely to be discontented; something to do with wondering if they've missed out, not having experienced those things, apparently.

Linked on a recent thread here actually. I'll have to see if I can find it.

Chickenkeev · 11/11/2023 16:30

GingerLiberalFeminist · 11/11/2023 14:46

Haha just one of those wish list/that's what I want in a man thing!

My H has a rather thick Dublin accent and some of my family actually struggled to understand him at first! Which was funny as we were born in Dublin 😅

TheCave · 11/11/2023 16:44

I am earn well but I genuinely have no idea how I would cope (with 2 kids) if my partner had a similar level of job. Maybe not all, but probably most jobs with £100k+ salaries aren't 9-5 or easy to balance with small children. My partner does a lot of childcare/ pickups etc as I simply can't. I guess if we both had crazy jobs we would pay for a nanny but that has its own challenges and doesn't appeal to me personally. So from my perspective, wanting a man with a high salary if they also want to continue with their careers makes no sense.

PostItInABook · 11/11/2023 16:51

Neither.

I’m not ‘waiting’ for a dream, nor am I willing to settle for anyone that does not significantly enrich my life. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. I’m actually not bothered either way.

Loubelle70 · 11/11/2023 16:57

stallonesbicep · 11/11/2023 10:10

I used to work in the city, around lots of men who earnt over 100k. Pretty much all of them ended up with women very much younger than themselves, very attractive, and ended up being stay at home spouses/SAHMs. Your friends need to be aware that whilst they have a right to high standards, so will the men they desire and there is a lot of competition.

Her friends might be very attractive too...i hate when men comment to try to bring women down a peg or two so they may re evaluate and go for a lesser man...no!!.

I work in the city..i know men...and women on well over 100k...youll be surprised...yes theres older men who are out with younger women..theres also older men who choose women same, similar age. They arent daft..they know looks are fleeting (theyve been stung by the younger women, financially (3 i know of) ...so they date nearer their own age with a woman on a decent salary too. Your hypothesis is what you see as ideal to prove a point, but it doesnt, and its not true for the majority

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 11/11/2023 17:00

Missgemini · 11/11/2023 08:45

Random post that doesn’t actually affect my life, but I’ve been wondering about this.

I’m in my early 30s, married with kids (just for background). I have a couple of close friends that are single and looking. They’ve dated, but haven’t found anyone to be serious with.
It's not a case of a lack of men around. The ‘issue’ is the perceived calibre of the men. These are high flying women that have achieved a lot in their lives, so they only want men that have either achieved the same or higher. For example, one would not date anyone earning less than 100k a year.
I’ve tried to say on a couple of occasions that they’re probably missing out on lots of good men earning a bit less but with the potential to make more in future (not that I think that money is the be all and end all). Anyway, they disagree and say they don’t see why they should reduce their standards.

Disclosure: I got lucky and met a great guy who ticks a lot of my boxes and did not have to ‘settle’, so this really isn’t my business, but these close friends do discuss their dating lives regularly with me.

So, my question is: would you wait potentially forever for the man of your dreams if you’re single? AIBU for encouraging them to give some ‘Lower earners’ a chance?

I'd encourage them not to bother with a man at all and enjoy their money and the freedom it gives them.

Original poster
Missgemini · 11/11/2023 17:09

@Loubelle70 yes, they are attractive, even if I say so myself haha. As I said, their issue isn’t a lack of men pursuing them, more that they’re writing off >90% of the population.

In response to someone else upthread, when they do discuss this with me, I try to be understanding etc. I would never try to force my opinion on the issue. I love them and obviously want them to be happy. I know that they want marriage and kids which is why I worry about the criteria issue.

Yes, she said 100k, but she would obviously not write off someone on 90/95. She would write off someone on 50/60 for sure though.

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 11/11/2023 17:15

They should go for a guy who earns less if they want kids soon, but only if they have the same values. They should not necessarily get married in that circumstance though. I don’t mean broke or in a v low paid job, less can mean somewhat less but in an area that pays less overall perhaps

Aurasauras · 11/11/2023 17:19

I’ve had a couple of loves of my life so I guess I am lucky. (Over 45). So at this age, nobody is perfect and I can’t do the whole ott woman in love thing. Nice eyes and easy to get on with and my own age works well.

Aurasauras · 11/11/2023 17:23

Missgemini · 11/11/2023 17:09

@Loubelle70 yes, they are attractive, even if I say so myself haha. As I said, their issue isn’t a lack of men pursuing them, more that they’re writing off >90% of the population.

In response to someone else upthread, when they do discuss this with me, I try to be understanding etc. I would never try to force my opinion on the issue. I love them and obviously want them to be happy. I know that they want marriage and kids which is why I worry about the criteria issue.

Yes, she said 100k, but she would obviously not write off someone on 90/95. She would write off someone on 50/60 for sure though.

What if one of them gets sick or loses their income. If it’s based on money alone it won’t last.

OneCup · 11/11/2023 17:31

It's fine to have criteria when it comes to values/shared views but not salary really. Fair enough to want someone who has a job and work ethics but they can have that on a much lower wage working a completely worthy job.

SomersetLevels · 11/11/2023 17:38

A good friend of mine earns well in to six figures. She has a lovely life - great job, friends, money to travel and have wonderful experiences. She won’t date anyone who can’t afford a similar lifestyle because she wants to carry on enjoying herself and couldn’t do all these things if she had to pay for a partner. She wouldn’t dream of settling and good for her

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/11/2023 17:43

DH and I would never have been together if salary was a criteria. I have always significantly out earned him. However, he is a decent, thoughtful, kind, hard working man and we’ve been married over 20 years.

There hasn’t been a single year where I haven’t earned multiples of his salary but it really doesn’t matter because we have the same outlook on money and family.
I have been a high earner in the City for a long time and plenty of the high earners I can think of are tough and driven (I would include myself in this and that brings negatives as well as positives). I could see how two very driven ambitious people might not be an ideal combination.

Wellyrambles · 11/11/2023 17:44

The old 'Sex and the City' thing isn't it..women sat around lamenting 'where are all the menz', before realising there are plenty out there if they stop being so shallow and materialistic.

I think women can have whatever criteria they want, but then can't complain about being single when they immediately rule so many out, and can't complain when Mr £100k turns out to be a coke addicted, narcissistic arrogant prick with zero moral compass.

Chickenkeev · 11/11/2023 17:51

Missgemini · 11/11/2023 17:09

@Loubelle70 yes, they are attractive, even if I say so myself haha. As I said, their issue isn’t a lack of men pursuing them, more that they’re writing off >90% of the population.

In response to someone else upthread, when they do discuss this with me, I try to be understanding etc. I would never try to force my opinion on the issue. I love them and obviously want them to be happy. I know that they want marriage and kids which is why I worry about the criteria issue.

Yes, she said 100k, but she would obviously not write off someone on 90/95. She would write off someone on 50/60 for sure though.

That's so pathetic tbh. Financial security is important, but what about the guy's character? There are plenty of guys earning loads who are complete dicks. Plenty who earn less who are lovely. To restrict oneself to a certain 'price point' seems very transactional, and is no gaurantee (sp? Ffs!) of anything

SummerDawn2000 · 11/11/2023 18:10

Perfect people. Perfect men don’t exist. We all have flaws. We can all be dicks.

-does this person make you feel secure
-feel happy
-call you out on your hypocrisy/shit

bqsically can this person enhance your life? Doesn’t matter about how successful they are

what positives do they bring. Do their negatives affect your life negatively. Can as a couple over come then

no one is without flaws but it’s about whether those flaws are damaging to you

settlingsusan · 11/11/2023 18:18

Slightly concerned that so many posters think having kids is a reason to settle - you know half of the genetics come from the father, right? Also that there are plenty of ways for women to have children without having to marry an idiot just because he earns enough...

BertieBotts · 11/11/2023 18:24

settlingsusan · 11/11/2023 18:18

Slightly concerned that so many posters think having kids is a reason to settle - you know half of the genetics come from the father, right? Also that there are plenty of ways for women to have children without having to marry an idiot just because he earns enough...

I totally agree with the co-parent being the single most important parenting decision you will make. Including being a single parent by choice.

I don't think that me saying I care more about willingness to have children than income is really settling? It's just what your priorities are.

It's a weird question anyway because it's not like there is a constant stream of random men and you just have to hold out for the right one to come up. You might meet someone to start a family with, or you might not.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 11/11/2023 18:24

I'm baffled by the whole concept of having a tick list and specific criteria tbh. I think I'd rather have stayed permanently single than to approach relationships in such a horribly transactional way. I think an attitude like that would actually be counterproductive in finding your 'dream man'. Whatever happened to just meeting people and seeing how the relationship turns out? The male population isn't divided into men who you'd have to 'settle for' and men who would be your 'dream man'. They are all just individuals with different characteristics.