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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have told DH to get the fuck off me?

310 replies

Probablynotright · 11/11/2023 08:41

It’s not like me but Saturday mornings are a massive stress as swimming is early and we’re always late which pisses me off as it’s really expensive and I feel it makes us look bad.

So this morning is the usual chaos despite me being up since 6 and it looked like we might make it on time - I asked DH to pass me something and he kicked it towards me (an item of clothing) and then started giggling at my face. He then came over and started cuddling me and trying to kiss me and I hissed to get the fuck off me.

I know it was an overreaction but he does wind me up so much when we’re rushing.

OP posts:
Squeaky2023 · 11/11/2023 21:07

You sound tired and stressed, OP. Have a break at home with the baby yourself and get DH to take your daughter swimming.

curaçao · 11/11/2023 21:21

This reply has been deleted

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adriftinadenofvipers · 11/11/2023 22:20

@Probablynotright my god, there are some holier than thou types posting here. I defy anyone of them not to have reacted in the situation you describe.

I think posters should give you some slack. Your baby is only 3 months old, and she needs to be with you all the time. You'd have got different answers I think if you had spelled that out, but you are obviously exhausted, upset and frustrated.

This won't be the same issue in a few months. Your baby may accept expressed milk in a bottle or a sippy cup in a bit. She will be more independent of you by the time she's 9 months/a year old.

Honestly, if your baby is napping, then you should be too. She sounds like my youngest. They barely slept at all during the day and fed what felt like continuously during the night!! They'd finally settle - I'd breathe a sigh of relief, and the little toerag would wake up again half an hour later! If they had been the first, they might well have been the only!!🙄

You need to let your DH step up. You don't have to stop going swimming for ever. I dragged the aforementioned sleep depriving 'monster' everywhere my elder two went, including swimming. I think people still expect to see them in a buggy and they're 20 now lol.

Why don't you let him take your DD1 swimming even some Saturdays? You have all the time in the world to do one-to-one stuff with her. You only gave birth a matter of weeks ago, and your DH is able to get a full night's sleep! Been there, done that, etc.

Having a second baby does mean you have to make tweaks to the way you live your lives. Your eldest will be equally happy for daddy to take her. You can go back to your routine when your younger baby is a little bit older. It's not forever.

CynicalOne · 12/11/2023 04:28

I have read all your replies @Probablynotright, but not any nonsensical/sensible comments by other posters.

I actually think I might have the answer (tl;dr scroll past the next 2 paragraphs!)

So pretty much, you get up on Saturday mornings, probably really early, since you have 2 DC under 3, whilst DH sleeps well at night, gets up relaxed, sorts himself out, puts his make up on and tarts himself up, despite not being allowed to sleep until 10/11/12/1 or whatever ridiculous lie in time that people have in their minds, that is suitable for poor old DH, who’s misunderstood, miserable and much maligned!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, you’ve organised yourself, 2 (young) children and whatever gear you need for swimming and the park and you have the absolute temerity and audacity, in the middle of running about like a headless chicken, probably on little sleep and running on fumes, to tell DH to F off, because let’s face it, he’s not really part of the solution is he? Yes, it’s nice to be mauled and have kisses and hugs forced upon you when you’re really busy. I mean, WTH OP!!! How dare you expect your poor nagged, henpecked and abused husband to help you with the kids? I mean, it’s not like they’re half his, is it? It’s not like he actually had a hand in making them, is it? I can imagine the scene now: DH, snoring away, dreaming dreams of fluffy clouds and angels. Enter stage right: the wicked, abusive, nagging OP. Not content with allowing DH to sleep in this peaceful slumber, she handcuffs/ties him to the bed, tickles his prostate to help her evil machinations, has her wicked way with him, whilst he’s screaming around the ball gag that she inserted into his mouth to actually prevent screaming, and gets herself pregnant. Twice! I mean, yep, I reckon I’ve got a good handle on this Saturday morning and marriage situation!

IN REALITY it’s pretty much paragraph 1 and the first 5 sentences of paragraph 2 above, followed by: you giving DH a sharp setdown (F off) because you’re, well, busy. DH is actually a fully grown adult and can see that you’re busy. But he can’t help because…reasons (too busy getting ready, mauling his wife, etc., (okay, maybe mauling is a bit too harsh, but yeah, he needs to learn when it’s appropriate and when it’s not)). You enjoy swimming with DD1 because, oh! you’re a good mum. You like having one on one time, swimming is actually a really important skill which could save DD’s life one day, getting out in to the fresh air, regardless of weather is also important, DH enjoys clogging his arteries with McD’s once a week and DD2 enjoys napping. Structure and routine is important for children, regardless of age.

You are doing everything right! Seems to me it’s a win/win situation! Yes, getting ready is probably stressful, you’re on a timer. But getting kids ready for school single handedly is stressful; are we then supposed to stop sending our kids to school? Or getting them ready for the nursery/childminder to get to work on time is stressful - maybe it’s better to live on/under the poverty line so that you can mitigate this stress. After all, who needs money, right?

So please OP, continue as you have been doing, but maybe speak to DH about choosing appropriate times for affection. Perhaps he thinks a kiss and cuddle will make you less stressed but doesn’t realise, that when you’re really busy, this isn’t the time, and actually, what will make you less stressed, is help from him. And not just on Saturday mornings. Peeling potatoes whilst you cook, reading to DD1 whilst you see to DD2, these are ways to help mitigate stress. Not actively stopping/preventing you from doing the things that need doing, but actually being a partner and helping you, with the children that you share. (Unless it all went down as per the second part of paragraph 2, in which case, please start another thread, as this needs a deeper dive into what is/isn’t appropriate 😉)

Brefugee · 12/11/2023 08:06

having read the thread again - seems to me that the 3 month old baby is the biggest "issue" here and frankly? DH needs to grow the fuck up and help rather than hinder.

Ballsbaill · 12/11/2023 11:50

Given that she had a baby only weeks ago I think the OP should cut the whole family some slack. A nice Saturday morning together having breakfast, then going to the park. Find a later swimming class.

Stupid o clock swimming lessons sounds as if it makes everyone miserable

TheSilverThorn · 12/11/2023 12:21

Take turns taking your DD and stop putting your family under stress. I could swim like a fish from very young but lived literally on the beach, front door to sand about 4 mins. I didn’t bother with proper lessons till my children got to about 6 just took the, to the beach and pool before that in regular sessions.

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 12/11/2023 16:20

TheSilverThorn · 12/11/2023 12:21

Take turns taking your DD and stop putting your family under stress. I could swim like a fish from very young but lived literally on the beach, front door to sand about 4 mins. I didn’t bother with proper lessons till my children got to about 6 just took the, to the beach and pool before that in regular sessions.

Not everyone lives four minutes from a sandy beach that's warm enough to swim in every day. But we're all happy for you I guess?

adriftinadenofvipers · 12/11/2023 16:25

TheSilverThorn · 12/11/2023 12:21

Take turns taking your DD and stop putting your family under stress. I could swim like a fish from very young but lived literally on the beach, front door to sand about 4 mins. I didn’t bother with proper lessons till my children got to about 6 just took the, to the beach and pool before that in regular sessions.

There you go OP - you need to (in all likelihood) move house and live by the sea....🙄

Oh and another tip for you - take turns at the weekend to have a lie-in. Or even take a nap on a Sunday afternoon. DH could take the two children to the park. You need a chance to recharge.

Thinking about the situation, I wouldn't have blamed you if you had knee'd him in the goolies!!!

stardustbiscuits · 12/11/2023 18:27

Wow what a thread.
I think that
a) this post went on the wrong thread- if you ask AIBU, of course you are going to get responses along the lines of 'Yes'. And if you go elsewhere for constructive advice, you are going to receive it.
b) the essence of this problem is the same as the essence of any decision surrounding leaving the house with a baby and toddler in tow. Its a nightmare. I had to plan departure a good hour in advance when mine were 0 and 4. BUT - 90% of the time, its worth it. So you've sworn at your husband, but you swore at him in the window of time which carries the highest stress when parenting small children. It will get better around the time they can put on their own shoes, coats, open a car door and get in it, can utilise a toilet and don't require a boob. Until then, cut yourself some slack, and keep leaving the house.
Regarding the husband, mine does that. Its really F%*king annoying, i think he thinks he's cute like the children, he's not. All I can suggest is to co-produce clear guidelines as to what he is willing and able to achieve on a Saturday morning before leaving the house and tell him that if he manages it you will be less of a stress head and he might get a voluntary kiss / cuddle (not guaranteed).

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