Messaged my husband’s friend and shouldn’t have

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Dh came home absolutely bladdered this evening with six pints in him and no dinner. He collapsed over kitchen too, vomited on dining room table. Managed to manoeuvre him into bed where he was sick again despite my shoulder being fucked with an injury at the moment.

I’m due in London tomorrow morning, was meant to be leaving at the crack of dawn for long pre-arranged trip. Obviously not now as don’t feel safe leaving DD (8) alone in house when I don’t know when he’s going to wake up. I know she can make herself breakfast and watch TV but I wouldn’t feel right being on train to another city not knowing.

Anyway I was really crossed and WhatsApp’ed his friend/work colleague from his phone and asked how much he had drunk because I’ve never seen DH like this and said state DH was in and impact it was now having on me. Friend was sarky and rude.

I’m regretting this as DH will be cross when he finds out tomorrow. Just found it so bloody selfish but not his friend’s problem or fault.

So cross 😡

@Vinrouge4 thank you <preens>

@MayThe4th and if you did, he'd probably help you too. He's nice like that.

Absolutely not. Messaging anyone in the way you’ve described is not ok. It wasn’t out of concern it was rage and annoyance. Not acceptable.

I would go mad if my dh messaged a work colleague ( can see you are trying to justify as a friend) if anything it makes him looked controlled and not great professionally.
The rest you are right about but I wouldn’t do that to a work colleague or a friend, my dh is an adult and no one other than him is accountable

Omg I've seen it all
Having a skinful and vomiting equates to abuse now 🙄

The OP has admitted she shouldn't have done it.

What do you want? Sackcloth and ashes?

Why would you call someone names for messaging you. I might think 'eh?' But I wouldn't launch into an angry tirade

I'm not saying I'd go into an angry tirade with him. I'd send him a curt reply about my friend being a grown woman and tell him not to be accusing me of giving her too much to drink...I'd maybe finish it with 'prick' Then I'd put the phone down and call him a few names under my breath. So where you'd say "Eh?" I'd say "What a knobhead!"

Having a skinful and vomiting equates to abuse now 🙄 no, that’s not what I said. Having a skinful and vomiting equals being a twat, but vomiting in the marital bed, which for many is their safe space, absolutely is.

He clearly has no respect for the OP if he’s prepared to get into such a state that he’s not in control of where he vomits.

But hey keep tying yourselves in knots trying to make the OP the wrong party here.

As a matter of interest, if the OP had posted the same thread but without reference to the fact that she had messaged his friend, what would the response have been then?

There's a pissed the bed thread at the moment which is unanimously condemning the drunken man. The OP on there, who is very tolerant, is getting stick for not LTB. I think people like to find something to criticise the OP for.
I think it also depends who's on the thread. If the MRA types catch a sniff of a woman doing something less than ideal they're always all over it with their hyperbole about men being the victims of abusive females. I just hope the OP recognises the agenda and ignores it.

Controlled vomiting 😂😂😂

If ANYONE entered my house in that state, it would be the very last time they did. I've gone through teenagers and no one has crossed that line. It's disrespectful and disgusting.

Definitely not a lifestyle I wish to endure.

Leaves her DH for doing the exact same thing you did...? Sorry I really am quite lost at this point

Get a grip.

Your true colours emerging. So much for the false remorse.

I was serious btw. Most psychologists would agree that yours/his actions fall under abuse (triangulation/public shaming tactic), but it would be beyond dramatic to leave your spouse over a message. And I don't know why you're rooting for your DH to leave you

I wanted to know how much he drank because it informed my decision about whether to leave at the crack of dawn without waking DH or DD up

that doesn’t really tally with you explaining the state he was in and how it was impacting you..

Why are you linking public shaming with abuse, as though though the first is always synonymous with the second? Any time a person's bad behaviour is brought into the open it could be defined as 'public shaming'. So every time a woman discloses domestic violence, reveals at work that her line manager has sexually assaulted her, confides in her friend she has been the victim of marital rape, she is 'shaming' the perpetrator. While these behaviours are obviously more harmful than 'only' vomiting over a family's eating and sleeping places, the principle is the same. Encouraging women to keep quiet and cover up male bad behaviour on pain of being called an abuser themselves is just an insiduous first step to protecting serious abusers from being outed.
If this man was shamed it was his own behaviour that shamed him.

Ah OK, so now we've given up on pretending the intention wasn't shaming. Instead, we've switched tack to claim shaming is a good and noble thing here.

Good to know coming home drunk and puking in one (1) night has the same "principle" as domestic violence, sexual assault and marital rape. I'm sure DV and rape victims would be really pleased to hear your hot take!

Your definition of "disclosing" versus "covering up" is very unusual as well. By all means, air the problems in your relationships, and your husband/wife's bad behaviour. But maybe not by stealing their phone to send their friends a paggro, insiduously shaming and alienating text. That's hardly a battered victim speaking out, sorry, but is instead the work of a triangulating, toxic person.

But I suppose you probably send out a regular Whatsapp group text / public newsletter with bullet points of everything wrong your spouse has done this week, to all your spouse's contacts. I suppose you feel OP has bravely opened the gates to the Me Too movement here, or something like that. 🙄

I do take your point that shaming drunkenness may have a more gendered element for drunk women than men. The more pertinent and wider principle, though, is invoking a 3rd party (worse still, from the spouse's circle) into marital conflict to try to publicly humiliate your spouse and prove yoir point.

You know, somehow I get the feeling that you'd be vehemently calling it abusive, unacceptable shaming, etc if the genders were reversed. Actually, I'm very certain.

If my DH ever attempted to shame me by invoking my colleagues/friends into our marital spats (any disagreement at all, about something I'd done), from my phone especially, I'd be calling him a controlling twat with sly motives, because that's what he would be.

I've not pretended anything @alchemisty I have made no comment on the OPs intentions.

Nor have I said that soiling your family's eating and sleeping spaces with your vomit after failing to bother to moderate your drinking is the same as the other acts I mentioned. Do you understand what is meant by principle?

You have been clear that you consider this woman's divulging of her husband's bad behaviour is abusive. I am merely pointing that encouraging women to believe they are abusers merely for telling other people about unacceptable behaviour they were forced to tolerate is a slippery slope towards silencing women about all types of unacceptable behaviour. Where is the line between what we may talk about and what is 'abusive shaming'? Who draws it? You, with your tendancy to minimise it? Or those who would take it seriously?

If someone vomits on my dining table and in my bed through their own irresponsible behaviour, I am well within my rights to tell whoever I like this has happened to me. As I said from the start, I wouldn't have done what the OP did, as I recognise that the only person who would be 'shamed' would be myself as a 'nag' such is the prevailing attitude to male drunkeness.

As for my taking a different stance on this were the sexes reversed, this has already been asked and answered. If you want to disagree with me, you've plenty to go on in the points I've made. No need to resort to telling me what you're 'certain' I'd think or say to bolster your argument.

Anyone who comes home and behaves in the way the OP’s DH did deserves to be shamed.

he’s lucky all the op did was text his friend, I’d throw the fucker out. The first time any partner of mine behaved like that would be the last.

@5128gap

Do you understand what is meant by principle?

Oh this is very, very interesting and hilarious to me. Somehow, getting drunk for 1 night is akin to rape, DV and sexual assault on "principle", but the principle of control, privacy infringement and abuse is only applied very literally, maybe to OP electrocuting him with a cattle prod or something (but even that would probably be fine for you).

Taking a step back, I suppose what you're imagining is some kind of stereotypical lad culture, them laughing their heads off at a "nag" who doesn't know what a good time out on the town means. I suppose there are circles like that, but I think in the majority of professional and social circles these days, these gendered attitudes do exist but mainly as vestiges, or hangovers if you will. Most grown men – at least the ones in my circle – would be ashamed, and not viewed kindly, by their male peers if they had potentially lapsed in their duties as husbands and fathers.

And anyway, even if they hadn't – say even if the argument was something as stupid as husband and wife disagreeing on dish soap brands – Spouse A contacting Spouse B's colleagues without permission in an attempt to badmouth, undermine and prove a point is itself damaging. I know people of both gender who often attempt to "triangulate", to great detriment to their own relationships.

Now again, I would fully understand that in some kind of stuck at home wife trope from a bygone era, contacting his circle would be a cry for help and an attempt to turn the tables in terms of their power imbalance. I do recognise it's not the same in all social circles, and perhaps OP's message was a noble, desperate rally against a powerful male narcissist who holds all the cards in her life...

But at least in my circle, in today's age, both men and women attempt in good faith to behave decently, with occasional very big slip-ups from both sides. Contacting your spouse's friend or worse, spouse's colleague about a one-off marital conflict – by sending out a text from your spouse's phone to their contact at that – is clearly an attempt at (1) embarrassing them (2) publicly undermining their professionalism and personality, and (3) eroding the relationship between your spouse and their colleagues/friends.

If someone vomits on my dining table and in my bed through their own irresponsible behaviour, I am well within my rights to tell whoever I like this has happened to me

Again, interesting definition of "tell".

If you made an unwise decision, or made your husband / mother / sister / brother / in law / whoever (I've seen triangulation and shaming in many kinds of relationships) unhappy in any way, you'd be happy with them stealing your phone to text your colleagues to shame you ("telling whoever they like"). Got it.

I don't suppose there's much more I can say given the rank hypocrisy, so I'm out of here.

Sorry, one last thought to add to the above, perhaps not to those looking to actively validate abusive behaviour, but anyone who often unknowingly uses this tactic of public embarrassment to "win" against their loved ones...

For context, my DH does more housework/childcare than I do (but has also had his drunk nights, as have I), so I don't automatically recognise this situation as mutual abuse. I'm not here to worship males and I recognise the reality is probably flipped in many cases. I've seen plenty of asshole men as well.

In the case of mutual abuse: What I would say is that relational aggression (attempting to shame / affect social standing, alienate friends, etc) and triangulation of 3rd parties to "win" arguments are considered a control tactic by pyschologists and has no place in a healthy relationship. These were common behaviours when I was growing up, so maybe that's why some on this thread think it's fine. However, hopefully now we know better, just like we (both genders) don't lay hands on our spouses when we're in a temper!

If you find yourself repeatedly "pushed" into this toxic behaviour because of your spouse's behaviour within your marriage, either work on healthier communication or leave because the relationship isn't sustainable. Often, emotional abuse becomes mutual between 2 parties in dysfunctional relationships, so break the vicious cycle. If you feel you're being emotionally abused, and are only giving as good as you get, you should leave rather than become an abuser as well.

As a random comparison, it's like throwing things at your kids while screaming – you might feel it's the only way to get them to fall in line with you, but that doesn't make it acceptable. Perhaps look for more sustainable solutions, like support from professionals. Otherwise, you aren't behaving in a way you can be proud of either. You hide behind rationalisations and excuses, like the faux question about drink volume in OP's sneaky text with the stolen phone. But you can stop the toxic cycle.

I don't think there is much wrong with you texting the mate - he let down his mate's wife. That is out of order.

If a bloke can't put up with a rebuke or even a bollocking (whether deserved or not) from a mate's wife when her bed has just been vomited on, then he wouldn't be a mate of mine.

Take the gendered faux macho element out of it though – bollocksed by a woman, a bloke puts up with it, etc.

Also, the bit where we're infantilising a grown man by making his colleague responsible for his behaviour, and also magically aware of his childcare plans and wife's expectations.

And where it's assumed that you're close friends, and not the case where the wife in fact might not know the exact dynamics between these 2 colleagues (apart from being drinking buddies on this occasion), because she's just stealing his phone to literally randomly message his contact.

Sans gender: the reason I feel strongly about this is because I actually know a mother who approaches her adult daughter's social circle to air her grievances with her daughter, and a husband who expresses his displeasure with wife's activities in front of wife's friends. And another husband who attends his wife's work functions to "casually" air her dirty laundry / things he's pissed off about in front of boss and colleagues. Interestingly, they're all related, not to me thank god. All of this attempted public embarrassment and control is just dysfunction all round.

Oh give over!! You expect him to babysit a friend you've gone out a drink with? It was two mates out for a drink, how on earth did he let down his mates wife?? Jesus imagine having to navigate that shit when out with a
mate!