Messaged my husband’s friend and shouldn’t have

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Dh came home absolutely bladdered this evening with six pints in him and no dinner. He collapsed over kitchen too, vomited on dining room table. Managed to manoeuvre him into bed where he was sick again despite my shoulder being fucked with an injury at the moment.

I’m due in London tomorrow morning, was meant to be leaving at the crack of dawn for long pre-arranged trip. Obviously not now as don’t feel safe leaving DD (8) alone in house when I don’t know when he’s going to wake up. I know she can make herself breakfast and watch TV but I wouldn’t feel right being on train to another city not knowing.

Anyway I was really crossed and WhatsApp’ed his friend/work colleague from his phone and asked how much he had drunk because I’ve never seen DH like this and said state DH was in and impact it was now having on me. Friend was sarky and rude.

I’m regretting this as DH will be cross when he finds out tomorrow. Just found it so bloody selfish but not his friend’s problem or fault.

So cross 😡

She made it clear it wasn't a medical emergency! Of course it's not the friends issue and he doesn't need to babysit her DH!

Wrong . These days alcohol abuse is taken very seriously . You shouldn’t be blind drunk when a child is at home. If she had to have called an ambulance due to his alcohol poisoning then social services would have 100% been alerted. Terrible parenting from him, putting his partner in that situation also so immature . My husband loves a couple of drinks now and again but would never ever be so drunk he couldn’t take care of us if need be. She deserves better and so does the child .

I grew up with an alcohol mother and I find it so bizarre that people view being completely wasted as normal . It’s not . It’s drug abuse, no different .

6 pints on an empty stomach. Maybe no food since breakfast/lunch. That would make lots of people sick.

The plan was 1-2 pints, sarky response from mate likely to be as much because 'mate' did the 'one for the road'/'you're under the thumb' storyline.

Whatever if you're frightened of his response please get help - it'll only get worse.

About the message...I think it depends what you said exactly, if the point was to ask about how much he drank that's not unreasonable, he was so ill with it that safety is an issue.

His friends reply which was sarky & rude...It is very telling that he is such good friends with someone who has so little respect for you.

Which brings me to my conclusion about your husbands behaviour: underneath it all, he doesn't have any respect for you.

How often does he get drunk? I’d be under the table after six pints, but a man who drank a lot regularly wouldn’t be.

Depends what he’s like normally but my DH had a ‘friend’ who was desperate to cling on to the illusion of youth through excessive drinking and was truly annoyed with my DH for not joining in. He would line up drinks for both of them, buy doubles instead of singles etc. DH would nurse a shandy all night (made a conscious decision to stop drinking like a student) but it takes quite a lot of strength to do that. It may be that the text to the colleague was not unwarranted.

Yeah, messaging the mate was a slightly weird move. He's not your husbands keeper.

That being said, go on your trip! I hope you're on your train now! Have a fun day!

Normal? No, I don’t think it’s normal.

Selfish bloody behaviour from the pair of them

No, it was selfish behaviour from your DH. His friend didn’t do anything wrong.

If he gets annoyed about the text, tell him you were worried he had been spiked.

This.
OP said I wanted to know how much DH had drunk as he was face over the kitchen counter and fell into the open fridge

His behaviour was alarming and OP wanted to know what he'd taken in case it could turn into an emergency. It seems reasonable to contact the person he was with and check. The DH's close friend was rude to her.

It doesn't alter the DH's horrible behaviour which is not just about getting out of control drunk but about the timing, and his behaviour towards her in the run up.

I don't see anyone saying being sick everywhere is fine, but that still doesn't mean she should've text his mate!

He was not being babysat

Can you please point out even one post saying it’s ok to be sick everywhere. Just one. Not the multitude of them you seem to be seeing?

and not one person is saying it’s ok to abuse alcohol either, simply most folks don’t get this sick over a pint a hour or so for five or six hours. Even on an empty tummy, unless they have very little tolerance to alcohol as they seldom drink , or he had a lot more than she thinks, and that he is perfectly capable of taking care of an eight year old with a hangover.

however him getting drunk does not in any way shape nor form justify her texting his work colleague and telling him exactly the state he was In and the Impact on her. No wonder he was rude back, who does that.

however him getting drunk does not in any way shape nor form justify her texting his work colleague and telling him exactly the state he was In and the Impact on her. No wonder he was rude back, who does that.

Its not a surprise revelation of poor behaviour to a colleague, to get DH into trouble at work. He knew exactly what state DH was in, since he was the one who had been out with him all evening.
The man in question is a long term close friend of DH, goes on camping trips with him, the families know each other on a social basis.

OP said she contacted friend to find out what DH had been drinking (and or taking) as she was alarmed that he'd been sick on the dining table and in the bed and he'd fallen into an open fridge. A real friend would have understood and tried to be helpful.

True, DH is an adult and can/should be able to look after himself, but a good friend would maybe try to help stop a mate getting into such a state.

The DH's behaviour is gross and deliberately scuppering OP's long booked trip, in addition to a string of other horrible behaviour - but so many are focusing on OP's contacting the useless and rude friend. It was a text, I'm sure he's big enough to get over the breach of propriety.

Texting his friend was a mistake but I definitely wouldn’t make it into something bigger by apologising. I wouldn’t mention it to your husband either. If he mentions it to you and is angry I would tell him that he was so ill that you were worried his drink had been spiked. Don’t apologise or let him turn it round on you. You're sensible to leave it a bit later to go out and be absolutely sure your daughter will be okay. Eight is still quite young. The people saying you shouldn’t have cleaned up and should have chucked cold water on him and gone anyway aren’t showing much thought for your little girl. I hope you’re on your way to London now but if you felt you couldn’t go in the end I wouldn’t blame you and I would be furious with him in your shoes. When this settles down some of his attitudes need addressing.

"Selfish bloody behaviour from the pair of them"

Erm no, from your husband yes

It's the resentment over your career successes that would have me reconsidering everything. And it sounds like it's tied to his behaviour and coming home in that state ... it fucks you over potentially in regards to your trip and he knew it.

And you are behaving like the adult child of an alcoholic, micromanaging around him, sorting out playdates for this day that is not yours to organise, phoning his colleague/friend as if he ought to be responsible for your husband's drinking and/or your upset about it, catching a later train...

I think you might do well to look at getting some support and help for this.

Obviously messaging his mate wasn't the best idea as it's a bit embarrassing for you. However, you were understandably furious and your H was not in a position to listen, so it was a proxy.

Don't give a thought to his 'poor friend' being told off. The guy won't care less. If anything he'll be laughing at you both. (Not great, but probably true.)

Give even less space to your Hs anger (unless you're frightened of him?) What you did is nothing compared to his behaviour so don't let him use it to deflect.

Would I go to London? Personally, no. But that's because when I had one like yours he wouldn't have stepped up because he 'had to'. He'd have stayed in bed all day and DC would not have been looked after. But you know him best and he may be better than that.

As for the big picture, if this binge drinking is a regular feature, I'd strongly suggest you give some thought to whether you want this sort of thing in your life long term.

"a bit standing up for myself." ... Against the friend? What did he ever do to you?

Or more likely, against your DH by dragging his friend in to public shame him and express your "shock" as you say at his actions?

If how my DH stands up for himself is texting my friends from my phone, I'd not find that acceptable.

It's not her ex, her current husband, and whatever rationalisations he spouts probably sounds exactly like yours, so idk, you decide. It's not abuse because he's male and magically OK because you're female. His emotions were running high too no doubt, the poor fella with the drunkard wife, but underlying our strong anger, concern, etc there can be other less pure intent.

As your own words show, underlying it is a desire to triangulate: to bring the other's colleagues/friends into the marital disagreeement to shame/undermine and prove a particular point. Or, as you say, to "stand up for themselves" and express their "shock" at the wife's (husband's in your case) misbehaviour.

Again, you're both in the same group so as to whether it's OK, you decide... Your actions were controlling and abusive in that instance, in my opinion – most if not all abusers claim lack of intent so only outcome matters. But, you just keep doing you and rationalising...

No,you should not have messaged.

Your DH and DD(8) will be absolutely fine.

I should've said express your "shock" and "crossness". In addition to "standing up for yourself" of course. If you want to shame him that much, next time why not just contact DH's boss and wider social circle, oh and his mum too, to stand up for yourself, show your shock and crossness, and let them know what a naughty boy he's been?

I agree with you to an extent that OP needs to not fix things for him and to let him live with the consequences but I think she’s considering her daughter who is much better off out on a play date than with her grumpy hungover Dad all day who might well just ignore her. She shouldn’t have to sort things for him but she does need to consider her child.

If I drank that much after eating I’d be drunk but ok. If I drank that much on an empty stomach I’d be black out drunk and vomiting