Messaged my husband’s friend and shouldn’t have

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Dh came home absolutely bladdered this evening with six pints in him and no dinner. He collapsed over kitchen too, vomited on dining room table. Managed to manoeuvre him into bed where he was sick again despite my shoulder being fucked with an injury at the moment.

I’m due in London tomorrow morning, was meant to be leaving at the crack of dawn for long pre-arranged trip. Obviously not now as don’t feel safe leaving DD (8) alone in house when I don’t know when he’s going to wake up. I know she can make herself breakfast and watch TV but I wouldn’t feel right being on train to another city not knowing.

Anyway I was really crossed and WhatsApp’ed his friend/work colleague from his phone and asked how much he had drunk because I’ve never seen DH like this and said state DH was in and impact it was now having on me. Friend was sarky and rude.

I’m regretting this as DH will be cross when he finds out tomorrow. Just found it so bloody selfish but not his friend’s problem or fault.

So cross 😡

Just text back and apologise

I think people have been too hard on you OP and I fully see where you are coming from. Why does mumsnet turn things around?! Have a great day

Can’t believe the number of people here who are having a go at the OP for messaging the friend but are normalising a grown man coming home and vomiting/pissing the bed. Seriously some of you need to raise your standards if you think this is remotely acceptable behaviour, even as a one off.

OP so now you acknowledge that it was a bad idea to message the friend. It happened at a time when emotions were running high, laugh it off next time you see him and really if he can’t just accept that then he’s a twat anyway.

As for the dh, I would be doing some re-thinking here. You say your dad was an alcoholic growing up, so it’s understandable that someone coming home in this state would be triggering for you, and your dh will know this. Added to which he seems to be prioritising everyone over you at the moment.

I would be having serious words about the state of this relationship and the potential of where it is heading if he keeps up this behaviour.

You deserve better than to be treated second best.

So basically, he tried to sabotage your day out and passively aggressively undermines you because you too have had some success at work? And the issue is that you texted his colleague/friend to ask what had gone on??
It’s all a bit ‘woman, know thy place’.

I wouldn’t have texted his friend, but I can understand why you did. I grew up with an alcoholic father and drunkenness is quite triggering for me. But the bigger problem is the timing here - he knew you had a day out planned, and instead of being refreshed and ready to enjoy the day, you have been up until all hours dealing with his sick, you have had to arrange a play date for your DD so that some more responsible adult can look after her, and you have had to change your plans.

This is not the actions of a good father and husband. It’s probably not the first time if you are thinking it is related to your work success. It’s part of a pattern where you need to stay in your place of supporting him and not doing more/better than him. I am betting he is an academic and recently promoted to professor because you are there providing the domestic and childcare support.

The work colleague will get over it but your bloke is responsible for getting himself in that state..He’s had more than six pints if he’s that bad, or he’s had shots in between the pints.
Ask yourself why he did this on the night before you’re due to go on a day trip, was he sabotaging your plans, knowing you’d react in the way you’re proposing? …cancelling the trip because you’d be worried about leaving your 8 year old with him. He’s drunk, not ill and he’ll be hungover in the morning but he’ll cope.
Hopefully you’ve seen sense and are on your way to the airport now.

1. Only me who misread the title as ‘Massaged husband’s friend’?
2. Don’t people have locks on their phones?

Argh, your husband sounds grim, sorry.

Totally not normal for a grown man and father to get so drunk that he vomits. Can't believe how many women here are excusing it. It's the type of thing a teenager would do.

OP. Ignore the people trying to minimize his behaviour and turn it on you. They either have low standards or an agenda...
You are quite right to be angry. And so what about texting his friend. Why shouldn't you? Hope you get to enjoy your day and he has a life-threatening hangover ©️

When you get back from your trip I’d be having a conversation with him about this.
“ You knew this trip was important to me, so why get yourself into such a state? It’s as if you didn’t want me to go but hadn’t got the balls to say so. So you did a bit of passive aggressive sabotage to try and stop me”

Re any promotions you get.
“My word, the way you’re acting over my promotion anyone would think you were jealous. Are you,?”

I don't see the issue with messaging his friend, he sounds like a rude asshole who is probably a pretty bad influence on your immature OH. I certainly wouldn't apologise.

I wouldn't want to be married and have children with someone who still behaved like that though.

DH did something similar one day, except he never came home and I had a 3 months old and 6 yr old. I was blind with rage and lost it at the friend he was out with. He apologised and still apologises every time I see him about that night (it was now 2 years ago!). He pushed DH to drink all night with him because he was going through a divorce.

I wasn’t proud of getting pissed off at the friend but sometimes you become a bit unhinged when in a rage. I’m sure the colleague/friend will live and get over it. Good luck today!

Well in my experience when things like this happen, there’s usually a ‘friend’ in the background egging them on. These men are not really friends but just encouraging your DH to join the dark side and fuck things up to justify friend’s own mistakes and crappy existence.

Obviously your DH has a brain and makes decisions for himself but the influence these “friends” can have on them is scary.

Being sick from alcohol is over the top? Do you know what social services would say if there was a Dad so drunk that he was sick in the kitchen whilst a child slept upstairs?

People like you normalising this kind of behaviour is dangerous . It’s NOT ok to be so drunk that you can’t communicate , or know where you are to vomit. She’s asking for advice which is exactly with these threads are for.

Don’t let him play the victim because you sent a text. He was totally out of order don’t let him distract you from that.

This.
Don’t worry about calling his mate.
Can your dd stay with a friend so you can go on your trip?

The bar isn't low-it's on the floor.
All the women haranguing the op for the text but it's fine for the man to be sick everywhere.
And all the 'only six pints' comments. The attitude to alcohol abuse is astounding.

Wonder what he thinks of you?

I doubt OP gives a shit as he’s a toad.

Puzzled by those saying he must have had more than 6 pints. It really depends on individual tolerance. In terms of strong beer (Stella-type) my DH years ago could be sick after 3. He rarely drinks more than a pint these days as he didn’t find this much fun 🤣. I dread to think what 6 pints would do to him.

I don't think you did anything wrong. What if you needed to know for a medical reason? I would be very pissed off at that type of friend who would get rude over a simple question. What did he say to you op that was rude?

Why? They're grown men, not students. Is the friend married with children too, wonder what his family went through last night.

Selfish bloody behaviour from the pair of them but he’s not my problem”

No, selfish behaviour from your husband. He’s not the friend’s responsibility.

Yes. They'd say literally nothing.

Sadly I believe you're right @EvenMoreFuriousVexation. Social Services normalise terrible parenting in men, it gets a free pass.

Yes exactly! This is what I meant