Messaged my husband’s friend and shouldn’t have

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Dh came home absolutely bladdered this evening with six pints in him and no dinner. He collapsed over kitchen too, vomited on dining room table. Managed to manoeuvre him into bed where he was sick again despite my shoulder being fucked with an injury at the moment.

I’m due in London tomorrow morning, was meant to be leaving at the crack of dawn for long pre-arranged trip. Obviously not now as don’t feel safe leaving DD (8) alone in house when I don’t know when he’s going to wake up. I know she can make herself breakfast and watch TV but I wouldn’t feel right being on train to another city not knowing.

Anyway I was really crossed and WhatsApp’ed his friend/work colleague from his phone and asked how much he had drunk because I’ve never seen DH like this and said state DH was in and impact it was now having on me. Friend was sarky and rude.

I’m regretting this as DH will be cross when he finds out tomorrow. Just found it so bloody selfish but not his friend’s problem or fault.

So cross 😡

Really? I wouldn’t have minded getting a text from someone who is trying to manage a seriously drunk husband. He could have been spiked, taken drugs, anything. I’m glad you’re not my friend.

@MrsSlocombesCat sure, if that was actually the intention. None of OP's posts mention that. It's actually quite poisonous how women try to justify female abuse.

OP's first post says "I was really crossed and WhatsApp’ed his friend/work colleague from his phone and asked how much he had drunk because I’ve never seen DH like this and said state DH was in and impact it was now having on me." Maybe she can explain it away with faux concern about how much he drank but given the context, the underlying intent was probably to express outrage – she was cross, it had an impact on her, etc.

And then she adds, it "came from a place of genuine shock and crossness, and a bit standing up for myself".

So... Next time I'm shocked and cross at my DH's behaviour, and want to stand up for myself, I'll get a hold of his phone and text his colleagues, got it!

We're all different i suppose? I'm only 5 foot and could put away 6 pints without passing out. Easily. (Classy!) It seems relatively little to me for a man.

janie
Plenty of posts saying 'only six pints'

Texting a colleague (who is also a good friend) and asking how much your DH drank is understandable in my opinion.

said state DH was in and impact it was now having on me.

I wouldn´t have done that. A colleague / friend of your DH is not the place to vent your marital frustrations. And I truly don´t understand why you did that!

But I am still surprised that you`re worried about your DH´s reaction. When it´s him that should be worried about yours!

If this was totally out of character (and if he was generally a caring and responsible partner) I would feel worried about my SO tbh and try to have an open and honest conversation.

But with the back story of frustration and him being absent?
Seems like it might be time to get angry and draw some lines / have boundaries. I understand that you do not want your DD to wake up to a table full of her father´s vomit. And that is why you should have woken him up early and told him to clean!

Doesn’t matter. Spin it around. It’s a horrible thing to do.

Your actions were neither controlling nor abusive OP so please don't be persuaded by those intent on maligning women and painting men as victims into thinking otherwise.
A man who so far loses control of his drinking that he soils his home, the places where his family eat and sleep with his vomit, who needs his wife to put him to bed, who shows total disregard for his commitment to his wife and family and causing his wife to miss out on something she looked forward to (after having his own night out) is not the 'victim' in this situation however hard some people are working on here to suggest otherwise.
If he is 'shamed' by your message then it will at worst be in that toxic masculine way of being 'under the thumb', which is actually an insult to you, not him. He won't be shamed because you made his behaviour public as they will have seen the state of him already, and that will no doubt just be a huge laugh amongst 'the lads'. In the highly unlikely event he does feel ashamed of himself, well, so he should. Perhaps he'll think twice next time.
As for 'controlling', I can't imagine how low some people's bar for male behaviour is that they think women should smile sweetly while wiping a man's vomit off the dining table, because 'he doesn't do it very often, and he's an adult who can do as he pleases...'!

I’d be very annoyed if my husband texted a work colleague in order to embarrass me. There was no function for doing this other than to make you feel better OP and relieve some frustration. If you don’t like him, don’t be with him.

It doesn’t sound like he frequently does this.

When I read the thread title I thought OP had propositioned the friend. That would be horrible. This is just a little annoying. He’s a friend, he knows her husband was drunk, it’s not cool, but not some huge deal.

Do you get obliterated with your work colleagues? If so, you don’t really have a professional relationship nor a reputation that needs protecting with them.

I don’t mean drinking with colleagues is terrible. Just that it’s not just a random coworker he barely knows.

@5128gap interesting, so you believe it's OK for a man to text his wife's friend about her drunkenness to express his displeasure!

Don't beat yourself up. You were angry that he was being completely irresponsible and did an off-the-cuff thing.
Hope your trip goes well.

I've made no comment on that, given that's not the scenario we're being asked to discuss. If what you're asking is 'if the sexes were reversed' in the exact scenario here, would my opinion be the same, then the answer is..to a point.

I'd think messaging the friend was a bad idea (as I do here) but I'd understand the frustration that led to it. I'd feel great sympathy for a man having to clean up after his wife and lose his day out. And I'd feel the woman was wrong.

Where my opinion would differ would be in the 'shaming' aspect. Our society being as it is, there is a great deal more stigma attached to a woman who loses control of herself through alcohol and renders herself incapable of her parenting duties as a result than when it's a man. So a message to a woman's friends may indeed cause her to be judged and shamed, in a way a man would not, so the consequences for her would be greater.

Regardless of sex, the drunken person in this scenario is not imo a victim of abuse. They are simply a person with a partner who has carried out an inadvisable and embarrassing act after dealing with some truly appalling behaviour.

Sounds like deliberate sabotage to me.

He didn't want to pull his finger out and parent solo today so why not ensure he's not capable by getting pissed and being hungover today so you wouldn't go.

It's actually quite poisonous how women try to justify female abuse

And the award for going completely OTT goes to @alchemisty 👏

Well if she’s any sense she’s went and left him looking after his 8 year old with a hangover. Hardly an overly onerous task really. And I’m fairly sure he’d prefer she go rather than be in the house.

so doubt it.

That doesn’t make it ok.

Think of it this way.

“I went out last night. Drank way too much. Far from ideal and I hold my hands up that I shouldn’t have. Got up this morning and my husband has messaged friend who I work with!”

as if the consensus wouldn’t be controlling CF.

And still posters are minimising the DH’s behaviour in order to justify blaming the OP.

Going out and getting drunk to the point you come home and vomit all over the house, including in the bed is absolutely not “far from ideal” it is completely unacceptable. Even once.

Is it any wonder we have such a drink problem in this country wen people seem to think that anyone behaving like this should be just laughed off on the basis that it was just the once.

But people are so fixated on the OP having messaged his friend because she didn’t know how much he’d had to drink that they’re as good as condoning abuse here. Because throwing up in your wife’s bed because you can’t control your drinking absolutely is abusive behaviour.

Maybe her messaging the friend was a one off too, but that seemingly doesn’t matter.

I can only imagine that the people so keen to defend the dh here have drinking problems themselves and are frequently out on the lash and expecting understanding.

Aren't you the perfect couple?

Thank you for taking the time to reply but the experience you’ve encountered does not apply here but thank you for raising it as it caused me to reflect. I hope your friend leaves her DH x

They are friends as well and have taken trips together. I haven’t tried to disgrace him in front of his colleagues.

Of course I shouldn’t have messaged but it’s a jump to link it to systematic abuse. I wanted to know how much he drank because it informed my decision about whether to leave at the crack of dawn without waking DH or DD up.

But I don’t think you’re interested in what I say.

Depends if that colleague was a friend or not, surely?

If my DH had to leave at the crack of dawn for something that was thrown into jeopardy because I was too drunk to walk or undo my shoelaces and he messaged to ask what happened bc he was shocked at my condition, I would be annoyed but I wouldn’t link it to abuse. I personally as a woman who is more vulnerable when drunk would feel stupid for getting into a state I could have been hurt and cost DH a couple of hundred pound.

’it any wonder we have such a drink problem in this country wen people seem to think that anyone behaving like this should be just laughed off on the basis that it was just the once.’

Exactly. Comments like ‘we’ve all done it’ etc. My husband and I have never done this since having kids and responsibilities. Esp when we are caring for kids the next day. I have zero sympathy for this man and others like him, men and women.

Just reading that makes me want to vomit.