Messaged my husband’s friend and shouldn’t have

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Dh came home absolutely bladdered this evening with six pints in him and no dinner. He collapsed over kitchen too, vomited on dining room table. Managed to manoeuvre him into bed where he was sick again despite my shoulder being fucked with an injury at the moment.

I’m due in London tomorrow morning, was meant to be leaving at the crack of dawn for long pre-arranged trip. Obviously not now as don’t feel safe leaving DD (8) alone in house when I don’t know when he’s going to wake up. I know she can make herself breakfast and watch TV but I wouldn’t feel right being on train to another city not knowing.

Anyway I was really crossed and WhatsApp’ed his friend/work colleague from his phone and asked how much he had drunk because I’ve never seen DH like this and said state DH was in and impact it was now having on me. Friend was sarky and rude.

I’m regretting this as DH will be cross when he finds out tomorrow. Just found it so bloody selfish but not his friend’s problem or fault.

So cross 😡

DH and I use each other's phones regularly so he won't mind I've been on his phone but he will be cross about the message to his friend.

Yes they are close friends and have taken camping/hiking trips together.

Between the four walls of Mumsnet I find him a bit of a toad sometimes.

Does it matter exactly how many? He was drunk either way.

He is out of order for getting so drunk but you are also out of order for messaging his friend.

And don't be a martyr, wake him up and go on your trip.

You have a lot I'd built up frustration OP, he is prioritising everyone but you, start asking yourself why are you putting up with it?

Not sure why you think your dh friend is to blame is anyway, it says a lot about your mentality tbh.

I can't reply to everyone. I did eventually fall asleep last night & appreciate the guidance and support.

I am booked on a slightly later train this AM so I can reassure myself of his state this morning before leaving. Didn't feel comfortable not checking before going. I've had this in the diary for 6+ months.

DH will be embarrassed about this, this morning. How apologetic or realising the extent of his selfishness which has been a running theme lately, I don't know. He has a trip to the opera tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I should go out tonight? Unfortunately I'm crap at drinking and hate feeling sick the next day.

His work has been busy lately but tbh the level of busyness he's experiencing is my everyday. He works in a sector where you get promoted every 3-5 years and his recent promotion was a big deal. He's taken on extra work in a nearby institution and applied for a massive pot of research money. I also have a senior role and was told yesterday I would be more senior for a couple of months in spring when my boss goes on extended paternity leave. There's a history of passive aggressive behaviour from him when I get work successes when I am genuinely happy for him. That is an issue that will take a while to fix & I'm sure is connected in some way to his shitty behaviour last night.

Yuck the cat is trying to lick some vomit off the dining table that I obviously didn't clean up last night!! Those saying I shouldn't do the cleaning up - it's my DD I'm thinking of.

Thanks again all for giving me the space and the advice to rant, even with my own shitty behaviour.

Thing is, I don't put up with it.

Birthday upcoming and he sorted his Mum out with a gorgeous card from National Trust property but didn't think I would like one (my birthday is a week before hers). He is an excellent husband and father in lots of ways, but it's the emotional and relational care and prioritisation he can get a bit shit on sometimes. We've had good times though so I know he can do it but he can be a bit immature sometimes and let work take over/get bogged down by it more than he needs to.

liann34 · Today 06:06

I don't see what you did wrong. Okay, its not his friend's "responsibility", strictly speaking, but he could have been drugged or had alcohol poisoning or something.

Honestly coming home so drunk you vomit/piss yourself is not normal behaviour for an adult. Maybe once or twice in college is excusable, before you know your limits.

Couldn’t agree more. A grown arsed adult getting to this state when he knows he has to drive his daughter the next day is repulsive and a massive turn off, and that’s without clearing up a man’s vomit. He’s entitled to do this but you can’t text his horrible rude mate? He can fuck right off as well, no way should you apologise to either of them. Asking how much he had drunk when he’s throwing up everywhere and you have to clean it up is a VERY reasonable question. I hope you’re trip goes ok.

I also have a senior role and was told yesterday I would be more senior for a couple of months in spring when my boss goes on extended paternity leave. There's a history of passive aggressive behaviour from him when I get work successes when I am genuinely happy for him. That is an issue that will take a while to fix & I'm sure is connected in some way to his shitty behaviour last night Of all the things you have mentioned this is the one that feels like a material problem. The drunkenness itself is annoying but could be written off as an inconsiderate slip up.

If he had 6 pints (and I'm mystified that you know how many he had) and then threw most of it up before midnight he will be fine to drive today.

I think it's perfectly normal for grown men to go out to a pub not eat anything and drink too much. I'm NOT saying it's healthy or desirable just that in our culture it's perfectly normal. You only have to walk into any non-gastro/family pub any day or evening of the week and you will be surrounded by adults of both sexes doing exactly that. My husband does it quite often (although he has never drunk so much he was sick). If he is hungover the next day I'm not aware of it. He certainly wouldn't expect me to tiptoe around any self inflicted discomfort and I certainly wouldn't change any plans I had any more than I'd expect him to accommodate me if I had a hangover.

I cannot imagine ever, ever ringing my husbands friends in a situation like this and I'd be very pissed off if he rang mine if the situations were reversed. We are both adults and if we make bad decisions we own them and bear the consequences.

As you imply in your last post this seems to be symbolic of deeper problems in your relationship. I'd set them aside for now and go out and have a good time today. You deserve it. Then maybe consider some relationship counselling, either jointly or on your own to assess whether the two of you can improve things.

Messaging the colleague was beyond inappropriate.

I woikd be furious if I were you. The message you sent is irrelevant, don’t focus on it. My husband would be so contrite and would ‘force’ me to go out on my
planned day, however dreadful he felt. Hope yours does the same.

My ex used to do this- drink/ start a fight/ endanger the kids so I couldn’t leave them alone right before I went out. It’s a control thing. He wants to control where you go and what you do. I do not believe it’s an accident.

Go out anyway.

It’s often deliberately behaviour, to make the woman stay at home, and so she doesn’t get ideas of leaving the child for him to look after again.

He didn't just have 6 pints if he collapsed and vomited.

I wouldn’t tolerate this sort of behaviour beyond the age of about 21. Wake him up and go on your trip. Selfish prick!

Your beef is with your DH not his friend. His friend can be an utter prat if he wants.

They are friends as well eg hike together. But yeah.

Not ideal that you text his friend, but don’t let him turn around the situation to one where he is mad at you. I bet he will try to use it as a get out of jail card - make you feel like the bad guy for the text, rather than his shitty behaviour to sabotage your day out. I would quickly apologise for the text and then make sure he knows that he is the one in the dog house. Let him face the consequences of his actions today and go have a lovely day out.

In 13 years I have seen my partner this drunk once. It was on holiday (pre kids) and he was trying to match my dad who can tolerate an awful lot of booze. He learnt his lesson, hasn't touched wine since.

If he did that to me when we had kids and he knew I was going out the next morning I would be furious.

The text is a separate issue, I would be annoyed if dp did that to me but I wouldn't get in that state to begin with.

He's behaved shockingly. He's a grown adult, a husband and a parent. I don't care if it's a one off, or he's stressed or whatever.

If he was single he's be waking up on the dining room floor, covered in his own puke, facing a day of cleaning.

The least he ca so is man up and look after his own child for the day.

Glad your going in your day out but think last night was just a knee jerk reaction
would of just left him to it today

doesn’t sound as a particular pattern of behaviour so whilst being extremely pissed off at the time wouldn’t be the end of the world we all fuck up from time to time

think you’ll just have to front it out about texting m8

We’ve both done similar in our house not our finest hour but got in a round and got carried away

@AnneValentine OP said they are close friends.

My alcoholic ex husband, who was of small build, never built up a tolerance and would have been painfully drunk on 6 pints.

Does he always act like a selfish teenager?