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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting in-laws who have a dangerous dog..wwyd

436 replies

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 19:04

Advice please/how would you word this???

Firstly I want to state I have a Fantastic relationship with in-laws, absolutely love my MIL and FIL.

They've invited us over to their house for FIL's birthday next weekend. They live about 2 hours away so we only see each other every couple of months.

We're looking forward to seeing them and our two DC aged 9 & 6 can't wait to see their grandparents.

Here's the thing, they are currently housing a "dangerous dog". The dog belonged to their daughter (my SIL)....she never trained the dog properly, is super hyper, doesn't take order from owners, the dog has bitten other cousins when they visited SIL, the dog attacked SIL's boyfriends leg so badly leading him to be on crutches for 7 weeks. Dog has also bitten FIL that he needed stitches at the hospital on a different occasion. Dog was advised to be put down but SIL couldn't bring herself to go through with it, so they tried to rehome him...no-one wants the dog with its history. MIL also loves the dog to bits and can't bring herself to have him put down. Now SIL has a 9 month old baby they have given the dog to MIL and FIL.

The dog is now taking medication 3 times a day to 'calm him down'. MIL says the dog has been fine with just the two of them in the house and she gives him medication.

Hubby doesn't like to see his parents with the dog there as we're all not comfortable with him. I told hubby to speak to his dad regarding possibly having the dog elsewhere when we visit with our young children. He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere as it's his step-mum and she's absolutely besotted with this dog and she can get quite defensive about the issue when it's been brought up in the past.

How would you ask her about the dogs whereabouts when we visit next week. She can have this 'it's my house, my way' attitude sometimes.

Before anyone says host them at our house. We always host them at our house when we see them mainly for this reason, this time they want us to go to their house

Thanks for the read

OP posts:
jays · 10/11/2023 19:49

I wouldn’t go. Not a chance. And I would expect them to be completely fine with that.

Livinginanotherworld · 10/11/2023 19:49

I don’t even need to think about this one, I wouldn’t take my family to a house with an unpredictable dog, let alone a proven dangerous one. I wouldn’t care who I offended to keep my kids safe either.

Strictlymad · 10/11/2023 19:50

Whilst yes the dog may have had no incidents recently with mil and fil that’s no reason to presume it will be fine with other people esp young children in what it perceives to be it’s territory. I would not even chance it, if the dog is there I would not take my kids under any circumstances, medicated or not

Draculasteachest · 10/11/2023 19:50

Me and one of my sister-in-laws used to get on pretty well but our relationship cooled when I didn't want to take my young kids to theirs for the day- if their dogs were going to be free range. They were massive molosser dogs and one of them previously had caused one of the other ones a really severe injury. My brother suggested keeping them contained -he is sensible-but I could sense she thought I was being over sensitive and was offended. The invitation quietly fell through but never mind. I would never have forgiven myself if one of my children had suffered a life changing injury that was preventable. A few years previously, one of my other relatives had a terrier that tried to nip my toddlers foot about two minutes after we were told, 'Don't worry, she doesn't bite.' 🙄

Neriah · 10/11/2023 19:50

You actually needed to ask?

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 10/11/2023 19:50

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/11/2023 19:25

I wouldn't go. Realistically they are going to have to have this dog put to sleep at some point. It's going to injure someone else sooner or later, isn't it? Would you want it to be one of your children that it attacked?

It's already injured two people !

If someone presents to hospital for treatment from a dog bite isn't that reported ?

Advicing someone to have a dog euthanised shouldn't be optional , it should be mandatory .

saraclara · 10/11/2023 19:51

"We'd love to visit, but if SIL doesn't think that the dog is safe around her baby, then of course we can't have him around ours. Do you have a plan for keeping him outside or in another room while we're with you?"

ADHDGURL · 10/11/2023 19:51

Absolutely wouldn't go..

suitsyoumissus · 10/11/2023 19:51

You really shouldn't be worrying about being tactful or offending anyone about this. It would be best if your husband can speak to them, but if he's too much of a wimp you do it. Don't message. Along the lines of you're all really looking forward to seeing them but if the dog is going to be in the house you won't be able to go.
It's really as simple as that. No compromises about it being shut in a room, someone will be bound to let it out. If they protest you state 'The dog put X on crutches for 7 weeks. If that had been one of the kids they would be dead and you would be facing a prison sentence. We all love you, but do you really want to put this animal above your family?'

momonpurpose · 10/11/2023 19:52

thistimelastweek · 10/11/2023 19:06

I wouldn't visit a house with such a dog.

I just couldn't go there with my children.

Agreed a d if they don't like it too bad. I once walked out of a Thanksgiving I'm in the states when I saw the pit bull roaming about that was supposed to be put away. Nope nope nope children's safety first

EveryOtherNameTaken · 10/11/2023 19:52

Already attacked people including FiL. No chance. You would never forgive yourself or them if anything happened.

Just say the dog has history and may get over excited with too many people. Your priority is to keep the kids safe. This is not worth the risk.

1990thatsme · 10/11/2023 19:52

I’m a dog lover and have two large dogs myself and three young DC.

No way would I take my child to this house where there’s an unmanageable aggressive dog prone to biting. Are PILS insane?

I think it’s fair for you to make the trip to their town and meet at a local pub/cafe/whatever but I wouldn’t go in the house. Too much risk MIL would let the dog out “to show you how lovely it is” and no matter how much you want to protect a child, you won’t be able to move fast enough to deal with a dangerous dog.

AliceOlive · 10/11/2023 19:52

It's just going to stress the dog out to have children around anyway. When you explain it to her, come from the perspective that the dog has clearly had a tough time and is quite unlikely to enjoy having company. That given its history you don't want to cause it more duress which could quite likely end in disaster.

"We don't want to do this to the dog" is a solid reason to refuse to visit them there. I don't see how she can argue with it.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 10/11/2023 19:53

Forsakenalmosthuman · 10/11/2023 19:33

Another dog thread? Is it Friday night already?

@Forsakenalmosthuman any of the days or nights ending in a Y.

@Kerrieanne85 well surely SIL can have him for the weekend! 👍🏻😊

EwwSprouts · 10/11/2023 19:54

Just flip it for the sake of keeping the peace: You know how unpredictable children can be around dogs wanting to play with them it. We wouldn't want to be responsible for getting the dog over excited. We'll drive over and meet you at the pub for a lovely family lunch.

Dentistlakes · 10/11/2023 19:55

Personally, I wouldn’t be setting foot on their property if the dog was there. I would stay in a hotel and meet them away from the house (without the dog there). It’s just not worth the risk.

suitsyoumissus · 10/11/2023 19:56

You know what, this really makes me furious. The whole family enabling them keeping this dog, when people have already been bitten and one has been severely injured. Is everyone going to pussyfoot around until the absolute worst happens? FFS this is what happens before we see the tragic reports on the news.

Op - the whole family need to get a backbone, and you are part of the family, so act responsibly and sod what your husband wants to do.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 10/11/2023 19:56

Over my dead body would I go.

ladygindiva · 10/11/2023 19:57

Balloonhearts · 10/11/2023 19:08

Tell them outright, you can't risk a dog with a bite history being around your children, it would be negligence as a parent to do so.

If she's angry, she's angry. It doesn't matter. Your kids matter. Dog should have been put to sleep after it bit the second time. It was clear then that it wasn't a one off and it couldn't be trusted. Just because she hasn't fulfilled her responsibilities doesn't mean you shouldn't.

This is my answer too. Spot on.

Twillow · 10/11/2023 19:58

It simply is not worth the risk.

JANEY205 · 10/11/2023 19:58

Meet elsewhere local to them is the obvious situation. I would not step foot into their house around such a dog. I wouldnt give a shit if step MIL got upset. My children’s faces and health are more important than her bitch fits.

Standingupagainsttheplayers · 10/11/2023 19:59

We have an inlaw with a dangerous and very spoiled dog. She can't have kids, so it's her baby. It's attacked literally everyone, including kids, the elserly and other people's dogs.

After it went for our 1 Yr old (luckily, we were on high alert and DH whipped baby out the way before the dog had chance) we said we couldn't visit any more.

Our DC is now 11 yrs old, and we stuck to that decision. We love the relative very much, but we only see her if the dog is not there. If she won't take responsibility for it's behaviour, we have to.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/11/2023 19:59

"I told hubby to speak to his dad regarding possibly having the dog elsewhere when we visit with our young children. He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere"
and
hubby doesn't really communicate with them much. All get together same communication is done via me and MIL

I'm sorry but your DH needs to stop trying to be Good Cop to your Bad Cop, stand up for his own children and have your back.
How to word it?
"I'm sorry we cannot risk the children's safety with dog that is known to be dangerous, let us know if you have a suggestion for a safe alternative, " love from both DH and OP

ThisHumanBean · 10/11/2023 20:01

I'm feeling annoyed at you that you even had to post this. It is such a no-brainer. You owe no explanation to them for staying away. What do you need to ask from the Mumsnet community? No reason or apology or explanation is necessary. If they didnt care enough to tell you that the dog will be away while their grandchildren visit, then you really have no need to worry over wording a message to them.

We are not coming to your house because of the dog. The end.

dawngreen · 10/11/2023 20:01

Some one with a scary dog should be prepared to have a room or dog cage where the dog can be locked in away from other people. And make sure no one enters the room. Or accept that they won't get many visitors. Why on earth are they giving meds to calm the dog? They need to find out why he is aggressive at times. Why not suggest meeting at a pub or some thing for a meal. Some where that won't allow dogs?