Visiting in-laws who have a dangerous dog..wwyd

[Kerrieanne85]

Advice please/how would you word this???

Firstly I want to state I have a Fantastic relationship with in-laws, absolutely love my MIL and FIL.

They've invited us over to their house for FIL's birthday next weekend. They live about 2 hours away so we only see each other every couple of months.

We're looking forward to seeing them and our two DC aged 9 & 6 can't wait to see their grandparents.

Here's the thing, they are currently housing a "dangerous dog". The dog belonged to their daughter (my SIL)....she never trained the dog properly, is super hyper, doesn't take order from owners, the dog has bitten other cousins when they visited SIL, the dog attacked SIL's boyfriends leg so badly leading him to be on crutches for 7 weeks. Dog has also bitten FIL that he needed stitches at the hospital on a different occasion. Dog was advised to be put down but SIL couldn't bring herself to go through with it, so they tried to rehome him...no-one wants the dog with its history. MIL also loves the dog to bits and can't bring herself to have him put down. Now SIL has a 9 month old baby they have given the dog to MIL and FIL.

The dog is now taking medication 3 times a day to 'calm him down'. MIL says the dog has been fine with just the two of them in the house and she gives him medication.

Hubby doesn't like to see his parents with the dog there as we're all not comfortable with him. I told hubby to speak to his dad regarding possibly having the dog elsewhere when we visit with our young children. He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere as it's his step-mum and she's absolutely besotted with this dog and she can get quite defensive about the issue when it's been brought up in the past.

How would you ask her about the dogs whereabouts when we visit next week. She can have this 'it's my house, my way' attitude sometimes.

Before anyone says host them at our house. We always host them at our house when we see them mainly for this reason, this time they want us to go to their house

Thanks for the read

'Well, your SIL has single-handedly fucked up that dog’s life and created an anxious and therefore aggressive animal who won’t be enjoying any of his life, but is being forced to endure every single minute of it by the lunatic women in charge of him.

Poor, poor Zorro.'

This, what @Hibiscrubbed said. The poor dog. Of course I sympathise with those it has attacked but this sort of thing is so avoidable with correct care. Staffies aren't one of 'those' breeds that are likely to be aggressive when brought up well. She sounds dreadful and the dog sounds stressed to the max and very unhappy.
That said, I am glad you've found a solution OP.

I can see that you have come to a sensible conclusion for this time.

Do you think your PIL would be willing to seek help from a behaviourist and muzzle train the dog? I think in your position I wouldn't be comfortable with young children around him anyway but for the safety of everyone else I think it would be a good idea if your PIL are not planning to have him PTS.

I have a rescue dog with a difficult past who acts aggressively when he is stressed (he has never bitten anyone to my knowledge, but I think he probably would if he was put in a position where he felt threatened). We worked with an amazing behaviourist (not just a standard dog trainer) who helped us understand him and how to train him not to be stressed by common situations. We also muzzle trained him (ie got him to see the muzzle as a positive and want to wear it) so when we are in public or have visitors he wears this just in case things go wrong. One of the biggest triggers for his aggressive behaviour was older men and walking sticks. This meant that when we first adopted him we could not have my dad in the house. With the muzzle as a safety precaution we have trained him to not only accept but adore my dad (he likes to sleep at his feet and does a happy dance when he hears him arrive!). My dog is not a puppy so this can be done with older dogs who have poor behaviours to 'unlearn'.

My parents had a rescue dog many years ago. She nipped someone once - lots of visitors which confused and distressed her - and we didn’t want to risk it happening again, so we consulted the vet. We ended up with a muzzle for her when we had visitors. It sounds harsh, but she wasn’t distressed. She used to just go to sleep on one of our sofas - she had access to empty rooms but seemed to prefer being near people. The alternative was having her put down. We didn’t want that because she was lovely and had a good quality of life. She just struggled with visitors so we made sure she was safe around them.

@eastegg I'm not going, the original post did clearly state that in laws come to our house because of Zorro. I clearly stated "this time" they wanted us over at their house. We haven't been to in laws house in over a year because of the dog.

I did state I wanted advice on how to speak with emotional teary mother in law.

I supposed I was trying to make a suggestion about what to say. People get very protective over animals and equally us parents get very protective over our DC. Sometimes constructive ideas take away the emotion from the conversation. I hope you’re able to catch up as a family another time and equally hope that your in-laws take some action to reassure you so you can go and visit. It’s not worth risking it - too many horrible incidents where children get injured or worse by dogs. I don’t blame you for not going.

My children’s safety comes before hurting anyone’s feelings. And the MIL shouldn’t be putting you in that position she knows the dog’s history why would anyone take that risk

It's good you're not going, but I really feel for all the other people attending the party. Presumably there's no kids? But even so, an adult could be seriously hurt. What do your MIL and FIL think they're doing? Bonkers. I'm surprised BIL is going at all tbh.

' did state I wanted advice on how to speak with emotional teary mother in law'

Clearly, calmly stating thàt you will not visit them when Zorro's there, as you've already diacussed before. It sounds like you know what to say - do you worry about her reaction? Why? You can suggest where she can get support if she (clearly) struggles emotionally and reacts with such distress - perhaps GP, third sector counselling etc ? - or she may not want to, but then it's her choice to refuse help. You are not responsible for her decisions - or the consequences of these - and I have to say I'm suprised the previous incident was not reported.

I fully believe dogs are part of the family etc but that also involves making sure they're well trained, socialised and working with a behaviourist if you're going to continue to manage a dog with a dangerous history. I feel sorry for the dog in this scenario, they aren't realistic enough about the situation to actually support the dog. Having lots of people in the dogs space is an awful idea for a highly stressed and under confident dog. It really sounds like they have their head in the sand.

Op I think you've done the right thing going and their decisions and behaviour aren't on you, all you can do is manage how you react to them and I think you've made the best choice. Sad that they couldn't see a different way so you can be included though.

@SilverLining77 I worry about her reaction because the family can be very volatile. I'm not worried for myself but they all already have fragile relationships due to numerous fall outs for various reasons throughout the years. Relationships have been "content" for the last few years due to hubby keeping his "harsh, truthful" mouth shut and everyone just going along with things.

After reading all the comments...maybe I should keep out of their family problems and not play mediator to my hubbys family issues

With the dogs history you are well within your right to, and should not go.. no way would I get anywhere near it never mind bring my kids. Totally understand why you feel uneasy about it- they should too!

Sorry, didn't read the thread until the end before posting! Glad you aren't going

My SIL has a horrible dog that nips/bites. Since she’s had it I’ve refused point blank to visit her house. She can come to us (dog stays in it’s crate in the car) for a few hours.
We have dogs but anyone who prioritises a dog over the safety of their grandchildren is a special kind of muppet!

Can’t even believe you would contemplate going to be honest and if my DH was as spineless as yours then he wouldn’t be my DH any longer! If he’s not brave enough to be honest with the in laws, then you need to be.
What kind of bloody grandparent puts their dangerous dog before their grandkids.
Total nut job!

You need to RTFT. The OP has said several times that they’re not going.

Don't visit

Step away and leave the whole caboodle to dh. After all mil has effectively sacrificed a relationship with you all. Except sil.. I feel the other guests should be told why you won't be attending.. They have the right to know the risks of turning up .

I know someone with a very unpleasant dog, not big enough to do damage but runs up to visitors barking away, has snapped at and nipped people before

It once ran across the room yapping at me for the mere "crime" of standing up to go to the loo. I shouted at it in shock/fright. It considered doing it the next time but it's almost like it thought oh you're that bossy woman that told me off. I'm scared of it as even though it's not big enough to do serious damage I still have no desire to be bitten

I won't allow it in my house

It will often start visits locked away but still end up putting in an appearance. I can imagine the same will happen with Zorro.

Also if God forbid someone accidentally opens the door of his room if they are unsure of the layout and think it's the room for the toilet, it could be very risky as he may see it as his "den" with an intruder entering

You are making the right decision not to go as you have your family's safety to protect. Meet them for a nice meal somewhere in a DOG FREE place or invite them to yours (sans dog) instead.

I only hope Zorro doesn't end his life in police kennels while he's investigated for biting someone with catastrophic outcomes. I hope they are working with a behaviourist. Im not a dog person but if I did have one and it bit unprovoked, with intent (e.g. no pain related cause/a valid reason) we'd be making a one way trip to the vets especially if children were involved

Stick to your guns OP even if there are tears. You say you have a good relationship with MIL think how that would swiftly be ended if Zorro attacked one of your family

Take a muzzle?

This is an easy one. You don't take your children (or yourselves) anywhere near a dangerous dog. So either they come to your house (minus dog) or it's no visit.

Apologies OP I should have read the thread. Glad you're not going, but I can see it's a tricky situation.

I absolutely wouldn’t go. The fact they are putting your kids at risk for the sake of MIL being ‘besotted’ with said dog- says a lot about her. Don’t go, unless they remove the dog. Very selfish behaviour in their part. If the dog has ‘been ok’ with just them 2 in the house it suggests the dog may not react to new people being there and could turn. Not worth the risk

I wasn't asking whether we should go or not. I wanted advice on how to tell MIL the dog needs to be away from the house if we do go. She is ALWAYS in tears and has had full on emotional breakdowns in the past where we have spoken about this. She says she loves the dog so much it breaks her heart to have him put down but she knows she needs to do it.

There isn't really any way other than being blunt. "The dog is dangerous and we won't have it anywhere near our child. We're happy to come over, but it needs to be out of the house".

She's just going to get upset any way you put it, so why go through the hassle of tiptoeing around her? You just have to be blunt with some people, and it sounds like your MIL is one of these people.

Sorry- yeah so just have to be blunt. If she won’t agree to remove the dog, then say you won’t go. That’s what I meant.

You'll just have to be blunt like the pp said. Really sorry but we can't come unless the dog won't be there. I'm sure he's fine with you but we just can't take the risk with the children, I'm sure you understand. Let me know if this can be arranged, if not we'll have to catch up another time. How about brunch on Thursday? Lots of love, OP.

Then leave the ball in their court.

The family's volatility is not your responsibility. They know that they can continue to behave badly and you will step in as peace keeper. Your husband can't speak the truth for fear of upsetting them.

they sound like a nightmare. I'd keep my distance for the foreseeable.

Please do keep us updated on the party though and if any of the unsuspecting guests are mauled by the dog.