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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting in-laws who have a dangerous dog..wwyd

436 replies

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 19:04

Advice please/how would you word this???

Firstly I want to state I have a Fantastic relationship with in-laws, absolutely love my MIL and FIL.

They've invited us over to their house for FIL's birthday next weekend. They live about 2 hours away so we only see each other every couple of months.

We're looking forward to seeing them and our two DC aged 9 & 6 can't wait to see their grandparents.

Here's the thing, they are currently housing a "dangerous dog". The dog belonged to their daughter (my SIL)....she never trained the dog properly, is super hyper, doesn't take order from owners, the dog has bitten other cousins when they visited SIL, the dog attacked SIL's boyfriends leg so badly leading him to be on crutches for 7 weeks. Dog has also bitten FIL that he needed stitches at the hospital on a different occasion. Dog was advised to be put down but SIL couldn't bring herself to go through with it, so they tried to rehome him...no-one wants the dog with its history. MIL also loves the dog to bits and can't bring herself to have him put down. Now SIL has a 9 month old baby they have given the dog to MIL and FIL.

The dog is now taking medication 3 times a day to 'calm him down'. MIL says the dog has been fine with just the two of them in the house and she gives him medication.

Hubby doesn't like to see his parents with the dog there as we're all not comfortable with him. I told hubby to speak to his dad regarding possibly having the dog elsewhere when we visit with our young children. He doesn't want to cause an atmosphere as it's his step-mum and she's absolutely besotted with this dog and she can get quite defensive about the issue when it's been brought up in the past.

How would you ask her about the dogs whereabouts when we visit next week. She can have this 'it's my house, my way' attitude sometimes.

Before anyone says host them at our house. We always host them at our house when we see them mainly for this reason, this time they want us to go to their house

Thanks for the read

OP posts:
ilovechristmas2023 · 10/11/2023 20:16

Give them a ultimatum set ur boundaries give them an option to have the dog not there or u wont come!
Imagine if u go and it hurts u or ur children
I was in similar boat had a dog who turned on me wen i had a child the dog was my baby before my actual baby but overall my child came first and i had to put the dog to sleep broke my heart but would of broke it even more if it was put to sleep and my child was hurt or worse !

Canisaysomething · 10/11/2023 20:18

Why on earth are you struggling to say a flat no to this. No negotiations, no trying it out. Just no. A million times no.

Codlingmoths · 10/11/2023 20:18

I could not take my dc into that house with a dog that could kill them or injure them for life in it. I don’t care what your dh says but he’d have to think of something.

Gnomegnomegnome · 10/11/2023 20:18

‘Sorry but we are not giving our dc to your dog for dinner’ should do.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/11/2023 20:19

Just ask your husband to ask his father and step mother to keep the dog in another room for the day or else outside. I have a housedog and she is lovely but gets excited when people visit. If workmen come I either put her in one of the other rooms or outside if not raining. If children were visiting I would also put her in another room and would not have to be asked as I was the same when my son was small and even though she is a sweet heart she could jump up on a child and she is a big dog but an old softie but it is called consideration for others.
Because they have a dog who bites etc they need to do that without having to be asked but your husband just needs to say while we visit can you please put the dog in another room or outside as not taking any chances with the children. Keep it simple and when you arrive at the house get your husband to go in first to make sure dog is locked away or outside. If not then do not go in as children's safety has to come first.
I love my dog to bits but would not even have to be asked as some people do not like dogs and are afraid even of the gentle ones.

sandyhappypeople · 10/11/2023 20:20

I’d ring them, texts can be so easily misinterpreted, a phone call to say you really want to go but on weighing up the risks it’s not worth it.

if they know the dog should be pts then I doubt they would kick up a lot of indignation over it, how can they, your children’s safety is you priority.

please don’t go out of any misguided sense of guilt, if a dog can put an adult in hospital then it could easily kill a child.

Original poster
Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 20:21

Just to answer a few questions on the replies:

  • I wasn't asking whether we should go or not. I wanted advice on how to tell MIL the dog needs to be away from the house if we do go. She is ALWAYS in tears and has had full on emotional breakdowns in the past where we have spoken about this. She says she loves the dog so much it breaks her heart to have him put down but she knows she needs to do it.
  • it's a pedigree Staffordshire Terrier
  • the reason they want us at their house this time is because they just finished a house extension and are also inviting family from abroad to come to his 70th birthday
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/11/2023 20:22

What’s more important, her feelings or yours and your children’s safety? This isn’t a dilemma. Neither is what you have to say to her. You’re not going.

Hayliebells · 10/11/2023 20:22

I wouldn't go to their house, I'd suggest we meet in a place where they're unlikely to be able to bring the dog. If they choose to keep a dangerous dog, they choose to not have visitors....

jlpth · 10/11/2023 20:23

superninny101 · 10/11/2023 20:16

Your role is to protect your children. Not protect your MIL's feelings. Of course you don't take your children into that environment.

I don’t think this is enough. With the amount of damage the dog has already caused, I bet it could jump that. Plus, the dog will likely be agitated by the “intruders” onto its turf.

PlacidPenelope · 10/11/2023 20:23

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 19:33

Thank you for your replies. Believe it or not, this dog issue has been the topic of many many discussions when we have met up with them. They are fully aware dog needs to be put down. I actually thought he had been put down already until recently when they were at our house and they had to leave early to go back home to feed the dog. Hubby and I were both shocked it's still around as this has been going on for over a year now.

I wanted advice on how to word it to her again. Although they are his dad and step mum: hubby doesn't really communicate with them much. All get together same communication is done via me and MIL

Shit sandwich technique:

MIL you know how much we all love you and FIL but there is no way we are prepared to visit and risk our and your grandchildren's welfare whilst you still have the dog and knowing what wonderful grandparents you both are I am absolutely sure you wouldn't want us to either, I know you'd never be able to forgive yourself should something awful happen and would forever feel guilty and we don't want that.

Blunt technique:

MIL there is no way as a responsible parents we are prepared to risk the safety of our children whilst you still have the dog.

sandyhappypeople · 10/11/2023 20:23

Kerrieanne85 · 10/11/2023 20:21

Just to answer a few questions on the replies:

  • I wasn't asking whether we should go or not. I wanted advice on how to tell MIL the dog needs to be away from the house if we do go. She is ALWAYS in tears and has had full on emotional breakdowns in the past where we have spoken about this. She says she loves the dog so much it breaks her heart to have him put down but she knows she needs to do it.
  • it's a pedigree Staffordshire Terrier
  • the reason they want us at their house this time is because they just finished a house extension and are also inviting family from abroad to come to his 70th birthday

If they’ve got other people coming too, have they said anything about what they will be doing with the dog when people are there?

kennels for a few days etc?

Soggydog · 10/11/2023 20:23

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/11/2023 19:46

My bet is it's a border collie!

I'm guessing your job from your user name. Do you see a lot of border collies who are aggressive? It's not a stereotypical dog and I don't know a lot about them other than they are intelligent.

jlpth · 10/11/2023 20:23

Oops quoted wrong post

Codlingmoths · 10/11/2023 20:23

Goodness. I’d say briskly
I should hope it would also break your heart if your grandchildren were attacked. We won’t bring our children into a dangerous environment so let us know if you can’t make sure the dog is safely out of the house.

CoconutQueen · 10/11/2023 20:25

Clearly it is unanimous on here that you cannot put your children in danger (or yourselves) and you must not visit with the dog involved.

However I appreciate that you already know this and your issue is how to communicate this, without damaging relationships....

"we are really looking forward to seeing you! Hope you don't mind but the children (and us) are very nervous of DOG but they really want to see you! Why don't we meet at X Place without DOG this time; have heard it's really nice there bla bla bla extra padding"....

Bonniegirlie · 10/11/2023 20:25

I have dogs and I love dogs but I wouldn't go to a house with a dog like that there unless they were 100% going to have it in a separate room the whole time. And with children I wouldn't even consider it. How dare they put you all at risk.

Blanketenvy · 10/11/2023 20:25

It sounds like MIL is aware so I think you can approach it in an understanding but assertive way. Just say what are your plans for ddog whilst we are visiting? If she says oh I don't know or something vague, it's ok to say, I know it's really hard and you really love them but you know we can't risk them being around DD given their issues. And then see what she says.

PlacidPenelope · 10/11/2023 20:26
  • the reason they want us at their house this time is because they just finished a house extension and are also inviting family from abroad to come to his 70th birthday

And that is just going to agitate an already hyper dog further, a recipe for absolute disaster.

superninny101 · 10/11/2023 20:27

jlpth I'm a bit confused - have you got me muddled with the person who suggested a stairgate?

I wouldn't let my children anywhere near the family. I would also struggle to 'love to bits' anyone who didn't have a dog like this PTS, after witnessing a brutal dog attack in my own family (and the denials beforehand that anything would ever happen...)

Hayliebells · 10/11/2023 20:27

I hadn't read your most recent update, before I posted, but I still wouldn't go. Even if you do talk to MIL beforehand and manage to persuade her to leave the dog elsewhere, you could turn up, and the dog could be there. I understand they want to show off their extension, but again this comes down to their choices being incompatible. You can't show off your extension to guests if you can't have any guests round because you have a dangerous dog.

Baffledandalarmed · 10/11/2023 20:28

‘MIL, I will not have a dog with a history of aggression near my children. If you love them then the dog will be removed from the house/garden/property for our entire stay. I also strongly encourage you to have it PTS. If the dog is around then the children and I will leave and I will not have them go to your house again until the dog is PTS.’

But TBH OP, the sort of stupid twat who has a dog that aggressive and doesn’t put it down won’t give one shit about your kids or your feelings. You’re fighting a losing battle and should refuse to go as I’m pretty sure they’ll claim it’s not there and then you’ll turn up and it’ll be there.

Munchyseeds2 · 10/11/2023 20:28

I love dogs and we have a Staffy.
In this case I wouldn't be going to visit unless she agrees to the dog not being there - the risk of it all going badly wrong is just too great.

Either the dog is somewhere else or they come to you.
You just need to tell her and stick to it

Readingallnight · 10/11/2023 20:29

Well no it’s not unanimous!? @CoconutQueen
I suggested the dog is locked in a room or / and behind a stair gate.

However OP as there’s quite a lot of people going to be there I would go for a locked door. Some random person could let the dog out.

Surely your MIL can’t be upset by that arrangement.
She keeps the dog, you visit. No one dies.

Mummyratbag · 10/11/2023 20:29

You are worried about SMIL's feelings, but she is not worried about either your feelings or your safety!

That said it sounds as though she is in denial. SIL should have done the decent thing, but she has offloaded the hideous job to her parents - good grief.

No way I'd take my kids. I don't know how you can word it, but deep down SMIL knows she is being unreasonable. Agreeing to go there just enables her decision to keep the dog.